Author: Off White Card

RA has been rocked by a new crisis that threatens to cripple the organisation and derail any plans to get the game back on its feet post the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems the latest problems relate to extensive plumbing issues with RA’s new offices at Moore Park. Sources close to the crisis have confided in OWC that if left unchecked, the plumbing problems could well be the final straw in RA’s fight for survival. “It’s not pretty that’s for sure, but to be honest RA’s plumbing has been buggered for years” said a source familiar with the situation who did…

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The Off-White Card can exclusively reveal that Sanzaar decided to cut the Sunwolves only after a passionate speech from Karl Pilkington. English radio celebrity Pilkington produced a speech called ‘Do We Need ‘Em?’, which sources say was centred on asking the question about whether or not Super Rugby “needed” Sunwolves. Pilkington, 42, is best known as being Ricky Gervais’ stooge when Gervais had his own radio show in London in the early 2000s. Pilkington’s idiot-cum-genius charm is apparently what attracted Sanzaar, as Sanzaar’s board, and entire philosophy, is based on making smart decisions that everyone else thinks is really dumb.…

David Pocock has disappointed many by opting for a marriage with a lady friend instead of an open bromance with his keen followers, fan boys, well wishers and such and such. The vast male, both straight and gay, following of the talented rugby player stretches not just along the elite Eastern Coast of Australia, but also to the culturally impoverished Western Coast of Australia, and across the rest of the world. Many followers identify with Pocock’s tenacious pilfering, hard-headed determination and jaunty progressive political outlook. In fact, since Pocock’s rise through Australian rugby ranks researchers have found a corresponding increase…

In a high level memo obtained by OWC, senior figures within World Rugby are pushing to clarify role of TMOs after several controversial interventions in recent weeks. It is clear from the leaked memo that World Rugby is prepared to take decisive action for the good of the game and to clarify the delineation of match day officials. Speaking on the promise of anonymity, a highly placed source has told OWC the current problems surrounding TMOs had been building for some time and that TMO’s need to get back to “core business”. “When the idea of a TMO was floated,…

Perth – This Friday will see the debut or rebirth of the Western Force, 72-96 hours after they were cut last year. There are a few nervous administrators amongst the Force’s ranks, as their hard work will come to bear against the Fiji Warriors in the first game of World Series Rugby. No one is more nervous than the Force’s benefactor, mining billionaire Twiggy Forrest, who has told the Off-White Card that he hopes this second coming won’t be as disappointing as The Last Jedi. “I’ve got high hopes right now,” Twiggy said, “just like when I saw The Last…

The Least Embarrassing Sporting Code in Australia power rankings have been updated overnight, after the Australian cricket team cheated in South Africa last night. The biggest news is the fall of Cricket Australia, who have fallen 3 places from 995th to 998th, meaning that the NRL, Rugby Australia and the FFA have all risen one place in the rankings. The reinvigorated NBL is on the top of the rankings, with the basketball league being pretty well run and having no outside dramas about it, backed up by Crab Racing, one of the fastest growing pub novelty sports in the country.…

EDINBURGH – The Wallabies’ players who took part in the match against Scotland on the weekend, will make up for their performance in the 54-34 loss by purchasing televisions for all those fans who stayed up or got up to watch the match. Wallabies fans around the country have been vocal in their displeasure, by neglecting to mention there was any game at all because they just can’t be f*cked wasting their time writing about the Wallabies’ shit performances at all. Denise Vialli, a die-hard Wallabies fan from Applecross, foamed at the mouth and turned her eyes into the back…

After seeing his team get trounced by the All Blacks 54-34 on the weekend, Wallabies coach Cheika has come under a lot of pressure from all corners. The biggest area of concern was the poor defence and strange defensive structures. Revered Australian coach Laurie Fisher chimed in with a tweet criticising the Wallabies defensive strategy. It seems like Wallabies D is different at every set piece. Constant swapping of positions depending upon field position. Can’t fathom it. — Laurie Fisher (@LordLaurie58) August 19, 2017 The tweet going viral, Cheika Facetimed Fisher early Monday morning. Calling their chat “very, very positive”,…

After enduring a difficult week, there is finally some positive news emanating from  ARU HQ with speculation the Australian Rugby Union is about to sign a lucrative deal to join a new Super Gymnastics competition. While the finer details of the competition are yet to be determined, Off White Card understands the interest in the new competition was prompted after some impressive gymnastics displays in recent weeks from senior ARU figures. While not being drawn into specifics, an ARU spokesperson confirmed the existence of the plan and that it would be a subject of discussion at the next ARU Board meeting. “It…

In a major development, the ARU will partner with the QRU to set up a rugby museum in Brisbane. While still in the initial stages, this wonderful initiative will be a world first as it will offer visitors a truly interactive experience, rather than a static display that defines most museums. The museum’s curator, Professor Michael Cheika, confirmed to Off-White Card that the acquisition process was already in an advanced stage, “We’ve been very busy on this since getting the green light from the ARU. Although I wasn’t involved in the early stages, the initial plan was just to secure…

As the NRC enters the finals series, the ARU today gave a glowing assessment of the season thus far highlighting the gains that have been made both on and off the field. Despite the NRC not being accepted by all in the Australian rugby community, it was made clear in an exclusive briefing to Off-White Card from ARU spokesman, Wallace Arlington-Magnus, that the benefits of the fledgling competition far outweighed any perceived downside. “What we’ve seen this season has been nothing short of spectacular and we’re starting to see the competition bear fruit. The growth in player depth and talent…

With concerns about the financial stability of rugby in Australia growing, the ARU today announced it was diversifying into global executive recruitment as a way of generating alternate revenue sources. The announcement comes hot on the heels of another successful world-wide candidate search by an Australian rugby franchise which saw interim Western Force coach, South African David Wessels, appointed to the role full-time of Head Coach.   Early indications suggest the new HR venture is unlikely to have any impact on the cost base of the ARU, as the additional work in specialist recruitment services will covered by existing resources. ARU spokesman…

In a stunning aftermath to the second Bledisloe test, French referee and aspiring food and lifestyle blogger, Romain Poite, has revealed that he has officially “broken up with” Australia. Speaking from a vineyard in Hawke’s Bay the morning after the acrimonious Wellington test, Poite went to great lengths to distance himself from perceived bias saying the Wallabies had brought it all on themselves. “I cannot take anymore, I say Non!”, an animated Monsieur Poite told Off White Card between sips of Pinot Noir. “When I am in Australia I ask M. Pulver, can I please have some fromage for the…

In response to last weekend’s record loss to the All Blacks, the ARU has taken immediate action and will bring in Rio Olympic’s Chef-de-mission, Kitty Chiller, into a newly created role the ARU hopes will go someway to improving the Wallabies chances of Bledisloe success in the future. In what some are calling a knee jerk reaction, Chiller will head up the ARU’s new Under-Performance Unit (UPU) and will be tasked with managing under-performance at provincial and national level across both XV’s and the 7’s programme. It appears a chance meeting between Chiller and ARU supremo, Bill Pulver, was a…

Despite not winning a gold medal in either the men’s or women’s rugby sevens, the NZRU has claimed both teams are Olympic Champions. In a brief statement provided to Off White Card, the NZRU has moved quickly to reassure the New Zealanders that cheating was at the core of the failure of both teams. In move that may raise eye brows across the rugby world, the NZRU has argued that due its unassailable status as the world’s best rugby nation, it naturally follows that all their rugby teams are the best in the world and can only be beaten when referees…

The ARU has unveiled a secret plan which has it on the verge of Bledisloe success. In a bold move set to revolutionise the game, the ARU will invest in virtual reality technology to break the 13 year Bledisloe drought. “Yep, it’s a game changer alright,” said a highly placed ARU official. “We came to the conclusion at half time during second Pommy Test that we’d never beat the Kiwis. So instead of raising the white flag and admitting defeat, we decided to do something about it.” The largely untried technology has presented a few problems but these are quickly…

Super Mario may have dropped a bollock at the Captian’s run, but here’s your exclusive insight into the All Blacks’ tactics as supplied by @SweatyJester

Did you wonder if you did see it on Saturday night, but you weren’t sure? Turns out, you were right, Dan Carter did ankle tap Bernard Foley without the ball in the opening minutes of the Bledisloe last weekend and to his credit, somehow completely got away with it! Considering it was just Foley and Milner-Skudder (OK, he’s toey) between that and the line, it was a pretty ballsy move, epecially with the way referee Wayne Barnes ended up dishing out yellow cards. But we should probably remember that this wasn’t Dan’s first time…..

We have no doubt that all of our fans and readers are proud to be a part of this passionate collective, know as the rugby community. It’s a community that lives long and lives passionately and is there to support your mates. Well the time has come for this very community that we are proud to all be apart of, to stand up for the little man. Only a few will know of the struggles of a man affectionately known as Waratah Jesus. You must travel some distance to find a person as passionate for any team as WJ is for his…