Author: Roscoe Tims

The Emirates Western Force have been quietly going about their business without too much fuss, kicking a few goals on the way. Unlike some other franchises, they’re relatively cashed up and have recruited wisely over the summer. They may surprise a few people next year. Apart from their Wallaby players who have been resting after the Spring Tour, the playing squad have been training hard for the past eight weeks of the pre-season.

In a combined statement released by the ARU and QRU, Quade Cooper has been ordered to undergo an extensive personal development and counselling program before he will be considered for future selection by the Queensland Reds and Wallabies. And subsequent to his court case being resolved sometime next year, a Code of Conduct disciplinary tribunal established by the QRU will be convened to revisit the issue. Why is it that Lote Tuqiri was ‘moved on’ by the ARU for a minor Code of Conduct violation, admittedly in conjunction with some previous ‘form’ but hardly hanging offences, yet Quade Cooper remains…

CONVICTUS the Movie: A true story about one man’s (or was that two?) incarceration at the notorious Robbin’ Island. High veldt rugby drama involving sharp haircuts, the snarl, tatts and attitude. One not to be missed. All star cast including: Kurtley Beale as freedom fighter Nelson Mandela Quade Cooper as clean cut Francois Pienaar John O’Neill as the Evil Warden Special Guest Appearance by Nigel Owens as Suzie the Waitress and sensationally debuting Gareth Thomas as Winnie Mandela This Blockbuster coming soon to a Magistrates Court near you. Disclaimer: Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

(Cue – singing) Seagoon: Hear that crazy rhythm, driving me insane, strike your partner on the bonce.  Eccles: Ooh. I felt no pain! The Goons Sellers, Milligan and Secombe’s classic Ying Tong song is a metaphor for Australian rugby in 2009. No, really…..stick with me….. You could feel the rhythm starting to happen but every time you got comfortable with it you were smashed on the scone and didn’t it drive you crazy.

Now its the ARU’s turn. Quade Cooper appeared in the Southport Magistrates Court today in response to his arrest and burglary charge arising from last Sunday morning’s incident on the Gold Coast. He was remanded without plea for a commital hearing requested by his solicitor Angelo Venardos. This was granted by Magistrate Daley and the matter was set down for Friday, 2 July 2010.

The reported incident on the Gold Coast involving Quade Cooper and allegations of burglary has the potential to turn nasty and markedly set back his union career in Australia. If you’ve been living under a rock for the past 24 hours you may not know Cooper was arrested by Gold Coast Police for allegedly breaking into an apartment in the early hours of Sunday morning and taking some property. He was apparently located nearby the premises with police sources intimating that he had to be subdued by capsicum spray during his arrest.

Barbarians 25 All Blacks 18 You get what you deserve when you treat a game like this as a ‘development’ match and turn up with your 2nd XV expecting to easily roll a scratch Baa Baas side. It wasn’t always like this. The history of All Blacks v Barbarians end of tour matches goes back to 1954 and there have been many occasions since where prolific running rugby skills, commitment and elan were on display. The match in 1973 and Gareth Edward’s ‘best ever’ try is the classic example. In the days when front rowers only scrummed, even England…

From the outhouse to the penthouse. In the space of five matches on their Northern Tour the All Blacks have stunningly recovered their reputation. In a match that could only be described as a showcase of free flowing power rugby, the Kiwis blew Les Bleus out of the Stade Velodrome in Marseille. How is it that just a few months back they were on the verge of becoming the worst performing team in All Black history and vilified by all and sundry?

This is what the Welsh think – a poll from the South Wales Echo: Do you think Wales can defeat the Wallabies on Saturday? Yes, they’ve got the ability 85.0% No, it’s too big an ask 7.4% It’s too close to call 7.7% The Welsh can sniff it again. The vulnerability of this seemingly disparate Wallaby touring side, inconsistent and incontinent (well, pissing in the wind anyway) with a lack of game day direction.

The Wallaby team to take on the Cardiff Blues on Tuesday night has been named and contains a couple of interesting selections, with Beale on the wing and Cross again in the mid-week centres. The makeup of the front row and the bench in particular will have the armchair aficionados reading the tea leaves to forecast test selections against Wales. The Cardiff RFC record against the Wallabies in tour matches is six wins from six starts dating back to 1908. Even the much vaunted 1984 Wallaby Grand Slam side lost to them.

All Blacks 19 England 6 Just like the ‘win’ at Dunkirk in 1940, the Poms went down fighting in a ‘glorious defeat’ against an All Black team that has finally recovered its confidence. However, unlike Dunkirk it didn’t involve a ‘strategic’ withdrawal as they continued to attack the Kiwis right up until the end but were unable to climb their Everest and snatch the Hillary Shield. Although the portents suggested a loss early in the 2nd half when Jimmy (note: christian names to be used only, due to their well-knownness) scored the only try of the match, England were still…

A new day, a new country. The Wallabies are now in sunny Edinburgh preparing for Saturday’s match-up against the Scots at Murrayfield. The Scottish team has been named and it remains unchanged from the side that defeated Fiji last weekend. I’m not sure that’s an entirely good thing for them? That’s because in my view a number of their players just don’t look up to international standard. They’re going to have to do a whole lot better if they want to compete with the Wallabies.

Queenslander Tom Court, the country boy from Gatton, has been selected in the Irish test squad to take on the Wallabies on Sunday. The interesting thing about this is that one of his front row opponents in the Wallabies, who was also a former club mate, could have been playing beside him. Stephen ‘Squeaky’ Moore, born in Saudi Arabia of Irish parentage was another who considered offers to play rugby in Ireland and potentially gain international selection for the green, but not gold. 

New Zealand 19 Wales 12 Wales will pose a significant threat to the Wallabies in three weeks time after bravely going down to the All Blacks at Millennium Stadium this morning. If you think losing seven consecutive matches to the All Blacks has become a psychological issue for the Wallabies, spare a thought for the Welsh boyos who haven’t won against them since 1953. You know, the year that Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tensing climbed Mt Everest and the coronation of Queen Elizabeth II took place.

Alexei Sayle sings: “I keep tropical fish, in my underpants. Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor? Ullo Jonny! Gotta new motor”. Leave it out! Jonny Wilkinson ain’t got a new motor. He’s got a reconditioned motor temporarily minus an Ian Beale warranty. It’s the sort of deal Arfur Daley would approve of, although Arfur would front up with a dodgy MOT after a few VAT’s down the Winch – “put it on the slate Dave”. Wilko is an absolute, dead-set ancient Greek. Not only between the poles but working the geezers around the light and dark. And what he can’t do with an Albert Hall!

Update – Wallaby team named v Gloucester:       15. Kurtley Beale 14. Lachie Turner 13. Ryan Cross 12. Tyrone Smith 11. Drew Mitchell 10. Quade Cooper 9. Luke Burgess 8. Richard Brown 7. Matt Hodgson 6. Mitchell Chapman 5. Dean Mumm  (Capt) 4. Dave Dennis 3. Salesi Ma’afu 2. Tatafu Polota Nau 1. Sekope Kepu   Reserves: 16. Pek Cowan 17. Matt Dunning 18. Mark Chisholm 19. Wycliff Palu 20. Richard Kingi 21. Matt Toomua  22. James O’Connor        Gloucester Rugby: Freddie Burns; Charlie Sharples, Henry Trinder, Tim Molenaar, Tom Voyce; Carlos Spencer, Dave Lewis; Paul Doran-Jones, Darren Dawiduik, Pierre Capdevielle; Will James, Adam Eustace; Jake Boer (captain), Akapusi Qera, Dan Williams Reserves: Ben Phillips, Rupert Harden,…

If you’re reading this post then I have been killed, or so the line went from Pauline Hanson with her so-called ‘obituary’ video. I’m currently visiting enemy territory in the southern North Island of New Zild on business and expect to be terminated at any time with extreme prejudice.   It’s no comparison to El Dommo I know, who’s on the sake express to Tokyo (as you’ll be reading about soon), but you take the good with the bad. As soon as I open my mouth here I’m targeted as an ‘awful Aussie’; one of those guys who supports that weak and woeful Wallabies team. 

Update: Martin Johnson has named a 32 man squad for the upcoming November tests starting with the Wallabies on 7th. The squad includes replacements for at least 12 test players unavailable due to injury including four top line front rowers. There are three new uncapped forwards selected in the squad, namely young tyro lock Courtney Lawes from Northampton; another 2nd rower in Richard Blaze from Leicester and veteran Bath prop David Barnes.    In a blast from the past other veterans of note recalled are Mike Tindall of Gloucester, 35 year old Bath prop Duncan Bell and now unretired heavyweight hooker Steve Thompson from Brive.

The All Black team for their Northern Tour was announced today and it contained a solid core of the usual suspects; a few players who you could say are lucky to be retained, and of course a couple of bolters. The squad features 18 forwards and 15 backs and will again be captained by Richie McCaw. Interestingly, there has been a change in the coaching responsibilities. Steve Hansen has lost the job of forwards coach to Graham ‘Smug’ Henry in the reshuffle. Hansen will concentrate on attack duties and Wayne Smith moves to become the defensive coach.

In what must be a new record eight Brisbane State High School players have been selected in the forthcoming Australian Schoolboys tour of England, Wales and Ireland . Team Captain Jordan Tuapou and Vice Captain Rohan Saifoloi are also both from BSHS. The squad contains 28 players, 13 of whom are Queenslanders and importantly, four Victorian players in a sign that rugby in the non-traditional states is stirring.