Off-White Card brings you a weekly scandal sheet full of gossip, half-truths, mixed metaphors and innuendo. Follow @offwhitecard on twitter and keep an eye out for updates. If there’s something in the rugby world you think needs to be exposed, let us know. Off-White Card is on your side!
Jimmy Cowan To The Rescue
It appears as though Administrators appointed to liquidate The Otago Rugby Union may have found a way for the club to move forward financially. While the plan is still in its infancy and details are sketchy, OWC understands it involves the setting up of a ‘punching-booth’ where people can punch Jimmy Cowan in the head for $1.
Although the proposal has its detractors and nothing has been confirmed publically, initial financial modelling suggests revenue from the ‘Jimmy Cowan Punching Booth’ could see the Union back in black by the year’s end.
A source close the deal has confirmed to OWC the potential goldmine that has been uncovered.
“We couldn’t believe it to be honest. Sure we knew Jimmy wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but we didn’t know there were that many people who’d line up to snot him one!
“We’ve only done conservative estimates at this stage, but based on a $1 a punch, we think we could gross around NZ$3.5 million before the end of the Super 15 season. The plan is to take the ‘punching booth’ on the road when the Highlanders play away games. It’s a winner for sure.”
While acknowledging the potential health risks with the plan, it’s believed they are minimal.
“After Jimmy was head-butted by Bakkies Botha a few years ago, he had some cranial scans and they confirmed what we suspected all along – Jimmy actually has a skull within a skull. It’s a rare condition that doesn’t leave a lot of space for the grey matter.”
Melbourne’s Grand Pricks
Organisers of this year’s celebrity race at the Melbourne Grand Prix are in damage control after 3 of their headline celebrities were involved in a traffic incident late last week.
The trio were returning home after spending the day honing their driving skills when the accident took place.
A red-faced race director has told OWC that the plan to involve the three had now been shelved.
“It’s not a good situation for anyone really. We told the boys to go out and get some practice behind the wheel so it’s quite disappointing that things have turned out this way.
“The problem is that if these blokes can’t keep a Hyundai Getz on the black stuff while going around a second gear corner, then there’s just no way we could responsibly let them loose in a race car.”
Organisers have also been quick to quash any suggestions that Melbourne Rebels Captain, Stirling Mortlock, might be invited to join the celebrity race.
“From what we understand, with amount of injuries Stirling has had in the last little while he now requires disabled parking and unfortunately there just isn’t any of that available in pit lane.”
Undercover Takeover
It’s long been known of the South African Rugby Union’s desire to field six teams in the Super 15 however what’s not widely known is how far advanced those plans are.
Speaking candidly to OWC, a source close to the SARU outlined the radical plan to have an extra South African team included in the competition starting next season.
“Ja, the planning is well ahead of schedule. We identified that the easiest team to takeover would be the Brumbies so it’s full steam ahead. We’ve had a few operatives infiltrate the Brumbies set-up in recent years so we’ve got a great idea of how to do it.
“We’ve been able to build on the ground work done by agents ‘Vickers the Brain’ and ‘Aussie Clyde’ by having another operative, ‘Jake the Peg’, working from the inside on deep cover since mid last year.”
Australian rugby officials shouldn’t be surprised at the SARU actions after a similar plot delivered the Saracens Rugby Club to them a few years ago.
When questioned whether the Waratahs were a target of a similar plot given rumours of another two South African agents had infiltrated that team, the source was having none of it.
“What, the Tahs? Not a chance Broer,! The rugby they play is kak, they are more boring than the Bulls. We had to extract Agent Dud – his skills were completely wasted I tell you. ”
