Greetings one, greetings all and welcome to the Valentine’s Day edition of Friday’s Rugby News. It’s the journalistic equivalent of a dozen oysters for all lovers of rugby. Why is it that good things always happen on a Friday?
Let’s keep that lovers theme running today and take a deep dive into the Aussie sides chances this SRP season with ‘The Awesome Foursome’. Pack your togs and leave your inhibitions behind as you’re invited to an exclusive club in ‘Fantasy Island’. Sit back and relax at the Ponderosa’s grotto as we look at round one tips via ‘A Fat Man’s Folly’. Before kicking back, lighting a cigarette and feeling completely satisfied (again) for ‘Friday’s Goss’ with Hoss’, rugby titillation for the soul.
The Awesome Foursome.
Let’s face it, nobody likes Melbourne, not even Victorians. And sure as spit, there wasn’t anybody who loved rugby in Victoria, not even Melburnians. So while it was too bad, so sad that the Rubble folded, the upside is that the remaining four Oz sides are now brimming with additional talent and the benefit that brings with increased competition for limited Oz SRP spots. It could be reasonably argued that Melbourne’s greatest contribution to Australian rugby was, in fact, folding.
And so we find ourselves at the vinegar stroke of a new season. A season of invigorated hopes. Of outlandish dreams and of daring to want more from our SRP teams. So what better time to run an eye over the chances of the four Australian sides left standing:
Tahcelona.
‘Go east young man, for surely goodness and light shall follow you the rest of your rugby days’. Or some-such.
The ‘February favourites’, the ‘pre-season pretenders’, the ‘HorrorTahs’, you name it, I’ve heard it. So just why will the 2025 season be any different? Well, I call it the Chuckles effect. It’d be fair to say that since 2015 the Waratahs may have had a soft underbelly. Sure, there was razzle-dazzle in the fairies, some energetic loosies and one or two reasonable piggies. But as a pack were they feared? Did any side arrive in Sydney with the forwards thinking ‘bugger me, it’s gonna be a long night?’. Maybe not.
Roll forward to 2025 and the arrival of the never-smiling Dan ‘Chuckles’ Mackellar and the start of developing that ‘edge’ the Tahs pack so sorely needs. Chuckles strikes me as intense, no-nonsense, demanding and driven. Let’s face it, he looks angry all the time. And when he doesn’t look angry, he looks angry. And I like that. There’s a certain Cheikaesqueness to it all (ahhh, the good ol’ days).
Sure, there’s some quality in the backs with the addition of Kellaway, Lancaster, Caitlyn Jenner (interestingly at #15), a fit Mad Max Jorgo and the Mad Ranga. Tane Edmed had a rugby epiphany and reignited his love and his drive for the game in New Zealand where he found his rugby soul. It’s possibly the first time anyone has found something in NZ that didn’t require three weeks of penicillin and the robust application of a steroid cream over a number of weeks when they got home.
But none of the flair, pace, skill and prancing of the backs means diddly squat if you simply aren’t aiming up, up front. And that’s where Chuckles will earn his keep. More grunt, more cohesion, more willingness to embrace the physical battle and dominance from a large, mobile pack.
It would be ridiculous to expect miracles from the Tahs this year and only an idiot would do so. Coming from the wooden spoon spot last year, a new coaching team, many new players, new combos and the injury gods to intervene when and where they deem fit. So expectations must be subdued and realistic for this year’s season ahead.
Season fearless prediction: Top of the Aussie sides and will make the final. Probably winning it, too.
The Communists.
Much to like about this side indeed. But will it be ‘second season syndrome’ for the coaches and the squad? Or will they be the John Howard of Australian rugby and resurrect themselves, soufflé like?
I made, and make no secret, that these guys are my second favourite Aussie side. At least when they aren’t playing the Tahs. I like the calibre of the young men in the team. I love the tempo and style of game they play. I like how they’re coached and I genuinely enjoy watching the brand of rugby they play. But make no mistake Gaggers, it has to be final four, maybe even final two or bust for this side this year. Expectations, squad depth and coaching ability simply demand it.
Like the Tahs, the Reds are sprinkled with some former Rebels. Well to be fair, they’re more like Red boomerangs: Reds, Rebels, back to Reds again. Big Lukhan Salakaia-Loto is a player reborn. I love how he’s harnessed his natural aggro with better decision making, improved his fitness and added deft skill to his all round game. Every pack needs an enforcer that plays hard but fair, and I love this guy in gold #6. Likewise, I’ve been a fan of Dirty Harry since he first appeared on the scene. Big engine, great skills, looks for contact and now plays a bit tighter as well (silencing some critics who I think totally missed the point of his play). Still can’t believe he was born in NSW, yet chose to play for the Reds (like a mule trying to mate with a wombat. I get the intent, but really, are you serious?). And the awesome and improving Fat Boy Slim of Oz rugby, Fraser Mac. Perhaps our most complete #7 since The Dreadlock Demon himself, George Smith. They certainly share a similar physique. Add in a few others, like the rather handy Filipo Daugunu (who I think is vastly underrated) and the Reds look, well, pretty damned impressive.
I would be remiss of me not to single out Les Kiss and his coaching team. Wendy Matthews took on a solid side who never quite lived up to their potential. He released that potential, added some polish by giving their attack some subtlety and deception and, voila, the Reds are now perhaps the most Kiwi-like Oz side we have. Very tight and organised on D, great counter attack and can call on many different attacking plays as required. Can play tight and slow as needed. Likewise can let the ball wide with extra pace and skill in the fairies. To that end, I’m rather excited to see the evolution of Tom Lynagh this year. He’s had a taste of gold, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he were in gold #10 against the incoming FUKIRS.
I would argue the Reds are the most complete squad of all the Oz sides. Real depth in their list (hell, there are Wallabies who’ll miss match day squads for example). Sprinkle that with the dust of potential with Australia’s best up and coming #10 that I’ve seen in an age. Throw in a very good coaching group and there’s much to be excited about as a Queenslander. Well apart from dental hygiene, public education, life expectancy rates and public education anyway. Did I mention I love watching them play?
Season fearless prediction: Will be at the pointy end. Semi-finalists and anything is possible from there.
The Ponies.
Australia’s most consistent side of the past decade. Good roster they’ve developed themselves. A terrific pack. A dangerous backline. Well coached. Well Drilled. A well oiled-rugby machine. So where’re the trophies to show for it?
Few could argue with any of the above comments. The Brumbies run possibly Australia’s best rugby programme. Wallaby laden, coached by our best Wallaby #10 ever and many good coaches before him and yet – nada. Forget the domestic COVID comps, they were a necessary evil of the time. But they mean nothing. Nothing at all. Why don’t the Brumbies have more to show over the past 10 years?
Sure there’s been some red-hot Kiwi sides. I mean before Rob Penney screwed the Saders pooch, they won 38 titles in a row or something, but the Ponies have usually accounted for such sides. Not always, maybe, but always in the contest for sure. For mine the Achilles heal of this team has been around the 9-10 combos of the last decade. Sure, they weren’t bad players as such, but have they capitalised on what the fat boys have fought for? No, nuffin’.
The good news is there’s simply no way that the Ponies will not be at the pointy end of the comp. For all those reasons above they are too good not to be. But can the #9 and #10 of the porn capital team get the return on the blood, sweat and grunt invested by their much vaunted pack? You’d want to hope so, for one of them wears the gold #10. For now at least.
If the Ponies want to go deep, real deep, into the 2025 comp, they simply must get more pay for their piggies toil. Do that and we might just have an all Australian final. Wouldn’t that be horrible?
Season fearless prediction: Quarters at worst.
The Force is strong?
Well, maybe.
There’s nowhere left to hide for the Force is there? The Rebels are dodos. Tahcelona look more robust. The Commies are quality and the Brumby juggernaut will keep chugging along. So where does that leave those west of rugby civilisation? Suddenly the Force need to stand by their results and, to be fair, I can’t see those results being all that flash.
Cron Jnr and his coaching team have recruited reasonably well. But I can’t shake the feeling that the Force remind me of a rugby departure lounge. There’re players that look to be passing through to somewhere else more exciting, or just plain heading for the exit doors of their rugby careers.
Sure, I can see them being more than competitive with their starting XV. You have the likes of The Lip, Lurch Swain, The Bulldog Tizzano and Dr Tom Robbo is back from getting 13 doctorates and 3 masters at Oxford. The piggies welcome ex Aussie-turned-Pom-back to Aussie in Nic Dolly ‘Parton’ and by all reports might make Wallaby selectors take note. Three Knees Dylan Pietsch has moved west as well (WTF?) and the team are not without rugby ability, nor do they lack coaching smarts.
Indeed, I’m a huge Jeremy Williams fan. He was unheralded at the Tahs and, somewhat gobsmacked, they let him go. He has improved his game well in the west. He’s a terrific young leader and certainly did his career trajectory zero harm during last year’s TRC, and especially on the northern tour. In fact if a Wallaby side was picked today, I’d wager next season’s crop, Williams and Frost, would be the starting locks.
But that aside, it’s the squad depth that may well be the curse of the Force this year. It’ll be where they are exposed and it will be the unravelling of any finals chances. If they can keep the nucleus of this squad for 2-3 years more then I really think they will be something to be reckoned with. But also, they have to learn to win away. During the week my ears pricked up when I heard on Between 2 Posts, that their record is 0-15 away for the last two years. Whatever the reason, what ever the obstacles, that’s just poor whichever way you slice it.
It’s one thing to make your home ground on the far horizons of the rugby cosmos a fortress, but the Force need to be smarter, better prepared and play no nonsense rugby when they’re on the road. They simply must win away from home to be anything above average. Either that, or perhaps Australia might be better with three teams instead?
Season fearless prediction: Bottom half finish.
Fantasy Island.
With season proper kicking off this evening, just a reminder you can still enter the G&GR Fantasy League competition (as part of the broader Fantasy League Comp). You can play selector, coach and private equity master with your budget and weekly selections. There are boosters you can add, and I reckon plenty of fun and the occasional sledge along the way.
We’ll post the weekly G&GR Ladder on here each week. It’s free to join and the instructions could even be understood by those in South Australia.
It’s not too late – find registration details here. Good luck.
A Fat Man’s Folly.
Many will note our Thursday writer (and kleptomaniac), Happyman, covered off on round one of SRP here. But, for what it’s worth:
Friday 14 February 5:05 pm AEDT – Crusaders v Hurricanes at Apollo Projects Stadium, Christchurch
Fearless Prediction: Canes by 17.
Friday 14 February 7:35 pm AEDT – NSW Waratahs v Highlanders at Allianz Stadium, Sydney. NINE & STAN
Fearless Prediction: Really?
Saturday 15 February 2:35 pm AEDT – Fijian Drua v Brumbies at HFC Bank Stadium, Suva. STAN.
Fearless Prediction: Fijian ambush, Drua by 6.
Saturday 15 February 5:05 pm AEDT – Blues v Chiefs at Eden Park, Auckland. STAN.
Fearless Prediction: Blues just, by 5.
Saturday 15 February 7:35 pm AEDT – Western Force v Moana Pasifika at HBF Park. STAN
Fearless Prediction: Force by 11.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Gatland Guns.
stuff.cuz.bro.co reports the daughter of currently unemployed rugby coach, Wazza G, gunning for certain Welsh rugby legends (a misnomer if ever there was) for their attacks and sniping on her Dad during his attempt to breathe life into the festering corpse of the Welsh rugby team. And fair enough, too. The only thing of note those same legends ever achieved in either a Welsh or Lions jersey was under the control of their former coach, who they have seemingly abandoned. Pot, kettle, black, boyo?
Helmut hears a who?
Little known QPRQ cattle breeder (I mean he owns the property that cattle breed on, he’s not a Kiwi for god’s sake), Tim Horan, reckons that RA are ‘2-4 weeks’ away from announcing the next Wallaby coach and that St Joe will indeed stay on as a consultant. Helmut claims that RA are deep in conversation with potential replacements and an announcement is expected sooner rather than later.
When did Cheik pull the pin again? Interesting. planetrugby.com has more.
French Lecter?
What’s a drunk and hungry player to do early in the morning when the local kebab shop est fermé? Why, bite one of his team mates of course. Biarritz Olympique player, Masivesi Dakuwaqa, a gold medallist with Fiji at the 2016 Olympics, has had his contract terminated for biting a team mate on said night out.
The bite itself saw him get 6 weeks, but doing so without a une belle bouteille de rouge, ou un délicieux fromage really got the Frogs’ dander up, and he was told to faire chier.
The Frogs take their food seriously.
Unlucky 13.
What’s going on with Kiwi easybeats, the Crusaders? There hasn’t been a ball kicked in anger and already, yes already, they have 13 players out injured! stuff.co.nz has the story. Long year ahead methinks.
Tootully suc ah, cuz.
It seems JOC 3.0 is a hit with his Force, Rebels, Reds, Crusaders team mates. JOC, who turns 47 this year, has always had a self described Kiwi ‘itch’ (see above statement re penicillin) that he needed to scratch. And being the holder of a Kiwi passport, courtesy of his parents, the opportunity to experience life and rugby in a third world country was too good to pass up. nine.com.au has the story.
Until next week. Enjoy the rugby and go the Tahs.
Hoss – out.
