Today we welcome guest writer and long term G&GR member, Mike D, to the ranks of author. Take it away Mike.
We’re into the silly season, and as Christ’s Mass approaches I threw together a team based on the Bible for a fill in article. As a devout atheist I’ve, hopefully, hit the right balance of humour without disparagement, out of respect for those genuine Christians among us. Now, without further ado, here is:
Starting XV.
1. Peter. He’s an absolute rock in anchoring the scrum, so Peter gets the nod for loosehead starter. He’s generally good in a tight spot and will back you all the way. Except against the French – that damned rooster you understand.
2. Herod. Some people like their hooker to be a clean and clear-eyed personage of high moral position. I don’t. I want an absolute bastard. And there’s no better man to fit that description than this bloke. Guaranteed to deliver at least one sneaky uppercut per scrum, and every breakdown is going to be a pillage session with this prick in the mix.
3. Solomon (c). You need wisdom, courage and foresight to manage as tighthead prop, Solomon has all these in spades. Added to that, as an able communicator he gets the little (c) next to his name. Also, he has pots of money, which adds financial stability to the club.
4. Goliath. Has a problem with head knocks, so not great around the park, but his height in the lineout is invaluable and he powers the scrum like a weapon. Has a bit of an issue with the half back though.
5. Abraham. Maybe a bit of a smoky for some, but like all the best second rowers, he’s often doing the unseen work and is incredibly dedicated. It’s been said that he’d just about give up his first born for the team.
6. Cain. You need an enforcer in the back row, and this man is it. When it comes to dirty deeds (done dirt cheap) there’s no more Abel man than this, he’d be murder on the pitch. Often heard bellowing his own personal war cry, “Am I my opposition’s flyhalf’s keeper!?” Rumoured to have personally coached Samipeni Finau.
7. Delilah. Mate, I love me a good pilferer at seven, and this girl could pinch the hair off your head. Swift to action, indefatigable, and if one thing doesn’t work, she’ll try another. She brings a hard edge to the seven role and has been absolutely cutting it up in the Philistinian Pro Nations.
8. Methuselah. Personally I like an experienced #8, someone with a bit of maturity and wisdom, and they don’t come much more mature than the Meth man. Despite the implications of his name, he’s a clean living chap – hence his longevity in the game; 969 years old and still hitting it up for his club, the Babylon Beasts.
9. David. This bloke slings an absolute bullet pass, both left and right, with terrifying accuracy and precision. Excellent at shepherding the forwards in the right direction as the fatigue sets in, he’s a natural leader and fits the #9 role surprisingly well. Despite being the elder of the father-son duo with Solomon, he retains a youthful demeanour, willing to step back and allow Solomon to lead. Just keep him away from the #4 when they’re on the after game brews.
10. Pontius Pilate. #10 is a tough position in this team and the answer is a tough man. Shrewd and far-sighted, Pontius is quick to pick up on opportunities and exploit them, and he will absolutely crucify the opposition for any mistakes. An excellent marquee signing.
11. Mary of Nazareth. This woman is, frankly, amazing. She can carry a football like no other player on the team, from here to Jerusalem I’d reckon. And she’s a stayer; even if your team’s on an absolute hiding, she’ll be there to the end. As such, she could play any position above 10. However, she has an absolute freakish ability to catch. Often in a game players, under pressure, may attempt some sort of wild pass that’s thrown in the desperate hope of it’s working, rather than with any real considered method (if only there was a shorthand term for that). Usually it fails, but not with Mary receiving. Instead, she will pluck it deftly from the air, and somehow make a miracle of it. She gets my nod for wing.
12. Eve. This one might be controversial. I’m not a big fan of the crashball 12, preferring my inside centre to have a more complete game. Eve just has so much knowledge of the game, it’s like she’s seen it all from the start and, I don’t know, somehow taken it all in. Also, a fantastic distributor of the ball, particularly to the outside centre…
13. Adam. So, this bloke’s not real bright, but what he lacks in brains he makes up for in sheer athleticism. The dude can make lounging about, poking someone’s finger look both relaxed and dynamic (for further reference see pictures by one Mister M. di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni – note NSFW due to nudity.).
14. Noah. Got this bloke in as a bit of a wet weather specialist. No matter how soggy the pitch gets, or how many bombs they rain down on him, somehow Noah can float above it all. He has that gift of enhancing those around him; he does this so well that he’ll often “carry” two of his team mates with him. (Note – seems to work best when the two are mixed gender, don’t know why, just the dynamic of the team I guess.) If there’s six weeks of rain forecast, get this man on the team.
15. Moses (vc). Ever seen a player and thought, “this bloke couldn’t outrun a geriatric barnacle,” and then just get totally blindsided? Well, this is that man. His counter attack is astounding, he can pass through a sea of defenders untouched and leave them floundering in his wake. In addition, his knowledge of the laws is so good he could tear up the book, for which reason he gets the vice captaincy.
Reserves (5/3 split).
16. John the Baptist. Good in damper conditions. Knows how to duck his opponent’s head in the scrum.
17. Joseph. Ever dependable, somehow finds room in any team, no matter how packed, and just solid at scrum time. Can fill in at hooker or prop.
18. Paul. Originally a rugby league man, but went on a road trip to the Damascus Sevens tournament and flipped his position completely. Now a very serviceable prop of the game.
20. Lilith. Every team needs its dark horse and Lilith surprises as back-row cover. What she lacks in bulk, she makes up for with cunning and skill. (Note: at team functions keep her and the #12 separate at all costs, and never leave unattended with the #13).
19. Samson. Is a fantastic second rower, but also good at 6 and 8, so fills a bench spot as broad cover. Very touchy about “The Do”.
21. Mary Magdalene. Has had to face a few demons in her time, but she seems to be stronger for it. One of those journeyman players who fits the crowd. Good back three cover.
22. Judas Escariot. I’m putting him in as reserve half back because he’s a great bloke and a real team player. He seems very committed to the cause.
23. Balthasar. A wise head to bring composure to the final minutes of a game. Also carries the deodorant – essential for team road trips.
Coach: Who else? Someone who gets mistaken for a former Wallabies flanker/eight, the side is coached by none other than Jesus H Christ himself. With his amazing ability to bring wildly disparate players into a harmonious whole, this son-of-a-god is a veritable miracle worker. You’d accuse him of picking favourites, but then, every single player on the team is his favourite. Added bonus, the bar never runs dry when he’s around (so long as you like Shiraz) and he always knows where to find a good fish and chips after hours, even when everyone else has run out. Mate, this bloke is just 33, in his prime and hitting his straps. Who knows how long his coaching career will go and just how high.
So there you have it, my biblically inspired team. Who would you have in there? Whom would you drop, and why? And perhaps most importantly, what would be the team mascot?
