Nutta’s Randomness – different XVs.

Hello cobbers,

I hope you all had a merry Christmas and a safe and happy New Year (so far anyway).

Over the festive season the news can dry up a bit. And so we find ourselves with a few moments to reflect, surf some sites and look for some brief escapism when mid-shift on following the wife about on shopping expeditions or when we’re somewhere between our 2nd and 3rd helpings of the Christmas Day trifle that’s still in the fridge and passing the sniff test.

So in aid of providing a little content to fill such moments of semi-conscious interweb surfing, between reruns of The Griswolds Family Christmas and Die Hard, I thought to perhaps prewrite a few wee articles and drop them periodically.

This one is about day-dreaming over who would make my Star Wars 1st XV. I recall something similar to this popping up years ago, so I make no claim to originality, but thought to refresh a wee bit. So here goes:

1. Loosehead Prop – General Grievous. He’s a bit of a punisher at the pub as he keeps banging on about being a ‘Separatist’ when on the sauce. But he’s a classic big, bad tempered, wheezy and ‘angry at everyone all the time’ bugger. So you just wind him up a bit and cut him loose, then he’ll go belligerently berserk. It’s like he has an extra set of hands and is happy to use them with malice. Thus he’s the perfect loosehead prop.
2. Hooker – Watto. The gambling junk dealer from Mos Espa. This oversized blowfly is the typical hooker’s combination of physical unlikeliness combined with rat cunning and an uncanny ability to survive the unsurviveable. You just know the little deviant is armed and, despite his looks, he can be relied on to get the job done. But avoid him in the card games at the back of the bus as he’ll clean you out. A better example of a deviant No2 you shall not find.
3. Tighthead Prop – Jabba the Hutt. Massive, patient, immensely strong and unmoving, he’s everything you want at tighthead prop. He doesn’t move fast, but that’s because he doesn’t have to move at all. His idea of positional play is to just stay put and eventually the game will come to him. Be warned, he’s a bit prone to eat weird stuff after a match. But he’s a good anchor both on-field and for the boat race team no doubt.
4. Loose Lock – Wampas. Wampy is this enormous, clearly carnivorous, semi-sentient, angry albino Jason Momoa type dude from some place down south called Hoth. We think it’s in Tasmania somewhere. He constantly has visa issues apparently and has also been known to randomly bite opponents, so he can inexplicably go missing occasionally. No one is quite sure what his chat is about and his lineout jumping is abominable for a snowman. But he’s always keen for a feed so he’ll be at the post-match speeches sniffing about for leftover BBQ for sure.
5. Tight Lock – Chewbacca. Another enormous hairy unit, no one really knows what Chewy’s calling in the lineout either. Or at any time really. But he’s cuddly fun on tour, handy in a pub blue, never seems short of cash and has great toys. He’s another shoo-in for the boat race team and seems to have a bizarre love triangle vibe with the 10 and the 13. But if his family shows up and they all get on the sauce, just leave. Immediately. And don’t hang about him at airports because he’s always smuggling something he shouldn’t be. He’s a good chess player as well, apparently, although he’s known to get rather passionate about it, so it’s safer to just let him win.
6. Blindside Breakaway – Bobba Fett. He’s your typical nasty Kiwi (they’re like clones those blokes) who just quietly shows up wherever it’s getting ugly and gets himself dirty. But be warned, while keen for a brew or 13, he clearly doesn’t like “useless pricks” who do “too much weights and not enough speedwork.” It’s fair to say he’s pretty tough and he plays like he’s wearing some sort of armour. Oh yeh, his original nickname was Bobby the Greek (Fett/Fetta), but that got canned after he flew across the bar and jammed the 10 into some sort of freezer unit out the back of the pub one night and then tried to sell him to Jabba. So clearly there’s history about that and it’s best to leave that be.
7. Openside Breakaway – Darth Maul. He’s the athlete. He clearly does way too many pump and callisthenics classes and he’s always equally keen for a game or a fight. He’s a bit standoffish and has this mangy skin condition where the ruck marks on his scalp won’t heal but form these freaky little scabs. Apparently, Palpy the physio found him at some obscure church group BBQ meet & greet thing Palpy went to thinking it was a Tinder date, but it turned out to be this cult shindig. We all reckon it was a Mormon recruitment trap. Anyway, we’re all pleased he’s on our team.
8. No8 – Darth Vader. Apparently Vads and Maula have some history and they’re both clearly under the thumb of Palpy. But no one’s really sure about the specifics of it and we don’t ask. They pretend to not know each other half as well as they obviously do. And coupled with the equally obvious mutual distaste for each other, this makes us think they’re either cousins or in-laws. Vads can be a bit intense, gets upset about folks ‘lack of faith’ in the game plan, and is keen to grab opponents by the throat whenever he can. But he has mad skills, seems to have the ball on a string in open play, and along with Bobby and Maula, the 3 of them combine to make a proper ‘Nasty Bastards Incorporated’ back row which we all love.
9. Halfback – Jyn Erso. Big knobs around the club quietly whisper that she’s the daughter of Galen Erso, the Star City engineer (whoever that guy is, I dunno). She’s quick, nimble, clearly has guts and has a knack for surviving most situations. She’s a bit quiet compared to a typical 9, but you’ll know when she wants the pill and we all appreciate that. A number of the lads are a bit keen on her, but she has a weirdly intense vibey-thingy with Vads and so we all stay out of that as we reckon she would stab someone if it came to it, and none of us wants to fight Vads unless we really had to.
10. Flyhalf – Han Solo. Lazy, arrogant, big mouth and impetuous; he’s your typical 10. But no doubt he has speed, some obvious skills and luck is usually on his side. He’s best mates with Chewy and they spend inordinate amounts of time working on that shitebox Falcon of theirs which he swears is blindingly fast. And he seems to have something going on with the 14, but no one’s sure to what extent, and he’s certainly pretty nonchalant/noncommittal about it all. Although it must be said that Luke the fullback clearly seems to get frustrated by it. So it’s a sore point between the 3 of them and we all tiptoe around it.
11. Left Wing – Rey Skywalker. She’s fast. Really fast. She has some confidence issues in attack, but throws herself into stuff and isn’t afraid of the rough and tumble. But a word to the wise: she has attachment issues with the 10’s idiot son, so don’t ask her out. She also spends a lot of time chasing the 15 around. But we all reckon it must be a family thing (same surname and all yeh?).
12. Inside Centre – R2D2. A deceptively powerful and solid little bugger who can always be relied on to show up, plug the gap, carry the pill without spilling it and have a proper dig. Just tell him ‘you’re our only hope’ and he seems to grow an extra foot and goes ballistic. Rumour has it that ‘Blue’ has this little stun gun gadget never too far from hand and apparently he’s good at fixing stuff (like bloody Solo’s Falcon). Positionally he’s a bit random as he won’t do what he’s told and stay out with the backs, so he is frequently found in the thick of any action and at the bottom of rucks. But the pigs all like him.
13. Outside Centre – Lando Calrissian. He figures he’s a 10 but seems more suited to responsibility and running stuff so 13 it is. And he has this long running bone of contention with Han over ownership of the Falcon (what is it with that damn vehicle?). That said, he’s clearly got himself together when in a scrap and has a surprising streak of speed and ruthlessness when needed.
14. Right Wing – Leia Organa. Watching ‘Princess’ tear it up and down that touchline in that skimpy bronze activewear she parades during the preseason stirs deep emotions. Deep emotions. But don’t be fooled, she can handle herself. Don’t worry about that; Jabba got a bit possessive and over excited about her once at the annual mid-winter fancy dress ball, so she choked the big-fella out with a 1/4 inch chain. You’ve been warned.
15. Fullback – Luke Skywalker. Let’s be honest, at preseason we all thought he was a bit of a ponce wanting to rack off to Torche with his friends all the time instead of doing his chores sprints. And coach Yoda will still generally bawl him out for not focussing on ‘where he is and what he’s doing‘. But, he has great athleticism, some fantastic hand-eye coordination and he seems destined for great things, so he had to slot in somewhere. No one is 100% sure about the relationship with either of the two wingers (11 & 14), so tread carefully there.

Physio – Sheev ‘Emperor’ Palpatine. He’s the man with the magic fingers. And far from being some pretty little Twi’lek female strapper with the typical ponytail and active wear, when Palpy starts heading your way to palpate your sore groin with that special blue Deep Heat he has going on, you’ll get up and rejoin the defensive line right quick. He can be a bit of a megalomaniac and clearly has designs on the committee. But the club expenses in tape has decreased markedly since he showed up – ironically the same year Vads and Maula appeared – but we reckon it’s only because no one wants to go near him if they don’t really have to. Either way, it works. Funny that.

Water Boy – C3PO. He’s R2’s buddy, flatmate, constant companion and it has to be said that the pair of them are forever bickering. So we suspect they may be, well… you make up your own mind. He’s a bit uptight, can be a pain in the arse, doesn’t drink and talks wayyyy too much about generally useless shite. But he is a veritable font of general knowledge, so he’s first pick for pub trivia nights. And he knows a surprising amount of languages and so is good value at the Chinese takeaway, end of season Bali trips, or when we’re arguing with the taxi driver or the kebab shop guys after the pub closes.

Coach – Yoda. There’s nothing about rugby that little green freak doesn’t know. Actually, there isn’t much he doesn’t know about everything full stop. But his pre-game rev-ups can be a bit of a punish, especially when he starts poking you with that bloody stick of his. And his preseason training programmes aren’t much fun either. And don’t let the ‘harmless old man’ caper fool you, as you’ll see him move right spritely enough when he’s sufficiently motivated. Oh yeh, the quiet word around the shed is that he takes micro-dosing and spliffing to seemingly religious heights.

Manager – Mace ‘Master’ Windoo. Definitely the coolest mo’fo to be found anywhere. With DJ Master Mace on watch the jerseys are organised, the bus is pimped-out and pumping tunes, and the post-match drinks are as cold as they are aplenty. Plus he’s good for arranging some other ‘post-match performance enhancing additives’ so I’ve been told. He’s even rumoured to have organised Twi’lek ‘exotic dancers’ in the grand-final dressing sheds one year. So he’s first rate. But don’t give him cheek. And don’t be rude about his purple boots. Seriously. It ends badly.

Club Secretary – Lobot. Apparently he’s some sort of computer liaison nerd at Star City and he does a fair bit for the club website and facebook page as well. He’s a good administrator obviously. Allegedly he works for Lando Calrissian who dragged him down one preseason and he hasn’t smiled since. But they seem pretty tight mates nonetheless.

So there you have it. But have I done it justice? Or are there other groups who should make a XV? Let me know your thoughts below.