Friday’s Rugby News.

'The theory is near perfect, except for Kiwi's, that's almost de-evolution?'
Friday’s Rugby News.

Welcome to Friday’s GAGRs!

Today you get to play selector for the northern tour and pick your touring 36 for the tests ahead against the Nippon XXIII October 23, McScotland Nov 8, ‘The Soap Dodgers’, The Poms on Nov 14 and round it out against ‘The Northern Kiwis’, the Welsh on Nov 21. We take a look back at the unexpected success of the orange ones TRC campaign. What stood out, where are the areas, positions or opportunities to improve on and what did the team score on my patented ‘Hossometer’ to improve on.

We then round it all out with Friday’s Fast 5 Bonus, which Nielsen Ratings show to be MORE popular than anything ever written by RA cadet Journo and rumoured Gladys Berejiklian’s ‘love interest’, Nathan Williamson.

‘Welcome to my thought chamber’

The Origin of Faeces.

But first, by popular demand incessant nagging by those on GAGR & even those on the weekly rugby oddcast, Nick, Nick, Nick and some other guy, I present to you:

The ‘Hossary of Nicknames’ ………

Please commit them to memory, there will be a test later this year, with Sully promising season tickets to the magnificent GAGR Corporate Box at Suncorp, a lifetime supply of out of date Cadbury product and an advanced copy of Mr Nathan Williamson’s official autobiography: ‘It sucks being me!’

  1. Allan ‘7As’ Allaataoa – you figure it out.
  2. Taniella ‘The Abattoir‘ Tupou – he will end the career of a lot of opposing pigs (front rowers) by the time he’s done – just like an Abattoir does to actual pigs.
  3. Brendon ‘Lightning’ Paenga-Amosa . Because just like lightning he can never hit the same (lineout) spot twice
  4. Folau ‘Palestine‘ Faiinga’a. Another Folau, but not Israel.
  5. Tolu ‘Noddy2.0‘ Latu – fallen asleep behind wheel whilst drunk, more than once.
  6. Angus ‘The Bull’ Bell. Angus is a breed of cattle and he’s built like a young bull as well
  7. James ‘Jimmy Slips’ Slipper. Both a play on his name and past indiscretions.
  8. Greg ‘Methuselah‘ Holmes – both the oldest in their respective groups and by a looooonnnnnggggg way
  9. Matt ‘The Bull-shitter‘ Philip – Initials are MP, as in Member of Parliament, who are full of shit.
  10. Lukhan ‘FKA’ (Formerly Known As) Salakaia-Loto – changed his name a few years back from Lukhan Tui (for very personal reasons) so he was formerly known as…..
  11. Darcy ‘Lurch’ Swain. Google ‘Lurch’ from the Addams Family and tell me I am wrong.
  12. Izack ‘The Lawyer’ Rodda – will screw people over for money
  13. The Other Isi’ – Naisarani
  14. Will ‘John Holmes‘ Skelton – both known for being ‘Big Willys’.
  15. Lachie ‘Kenny Rogers’ Swinton – he will see a lot of cards during his career. So ‘a lot of cards’ = The Gambler = Kenny Rogers (duhhh!)
  16. Rob ‘Sideshow Bob‘ Valetini – Both a play on his name, game & a character from the Simpsons with equally large hair
  17. ‘Dirty’ Harry Wilson – go ahead punk……..make my day
  18. Michael ‘Lee Majors’ Hooper. Hoops is on $1.2m per year for 5 years, so $6m. Actor Lee Majors played Colonel Steve Austin in ‘The $6 Million Dollar Man’ (AKA ‘The Bionic Man’ – actually I still have the action figure, sealed in its original box from the 70s)
  19. Peter ‘The Pavlova’ Samu – NZ may make claims, but it’s ours.
  20. Sean ‘Sir’ McMahon – I ain’t calling him anything else – he’d punch holes in me.
  21. David ‘Brian’ Pocock – like Brian, Poey was also often mistaken for the messiah
  22. Fraser ‘Son of Brian or SOB‘ McReight – looks and plays like a young Poey
  23. Jake ‘The Commissioner’ Gordon – Commissioner Gordon was police chief in Batman
  24. Nic ‘The Lip’ White – two reasons, he never shuts up on the paddock and that handle bar ‘stache is just filthy on the lip.
  25. Tate ‘Billy the Kid’ McDermott. The real Billy the Kid (wild west gunslinger) was both young, ambitious and a wild shot (pass) like Tate.
  26. Nick ‘The Bovine Sprinkler‘ Phipps – attended a buck’s night dressed as a cow, climbed up on the bar after 8-9 too many sherberts and urinated through the costume – hence ‘The Bovine Sprinkler’
  27. James ‘JOC2.0’ O’Connor. The new updated version
  28. Quade ‘Lazarus’ Cooper – rose from the rugby dead just like his namesake
  29. Noah ‘Genesis’ Lolesio – in the bible Noah first appears in Genesis.
  30. Matt ‘Two-Cows‘ To’omua – play on his surname two-moooooo-a’
  31. Bernhard ‘Spanners’ Foley – my nuts would tighten when he played – pre 2016 in anticipation of joy, post 2016 onwards in anticipation of catastrophe. Either way my nuts would tighten.
  32. Hunter ‘The Squatter‘ Paisami. When he left Melbourne he had no contract, no options and nowhere to stay so he ‘squatted’ in his agents office for a few month’s while he sorted shit out. Gets a gig at the Reds, then gold and………
  33. Samu ‘Gandalf’ Kerevi. Based on Samu1.0 – ‘thou shall not pass’.
  34. Len ‘Fergie’ Ikatau. Mrs Hoss walked pass one night when I was prepping my Friday bit and said ‘who is lick-a-toe (L.Ikatau) – why Princess Fergie of course (Google it)
  35. Izi ‘The Mailman‘ Perese – always delivers
  36. Jordan ‘of Nazareth‘ Pataia – always tries to perform a ‘miracle’ when he has the ball – just like the Mexican backpacker from those old fairytales.
  37. Marika ‘The Exocet’ Koroibete – always explodes into action, sometimes misfires as well
  38. Andrew ‘The Ginger Ninja‘ Kellaway – both a ginger and goes about his work like an assassin
  39. Tom ‘Bastards’ Banks – cause all banks are bastards
  40. Reece ‘The Clydesdale‘ Hodge – a workhorse, reliable but slow, real slow.
  41. Dave ‘Moses’ Rennie – will lead us fans to the promised lands – or else
  42. Scott ‘Sherlock’ Wisemantel – once said ‘we need to play better & start winning’ & I thought ‘no shit Sherlock’
  43. Michael ‘Steven Seagal’ Cheika – as a coach he was forever ‘Under Siege’ – well from 2016 onwards anyway
  44. The Nearlies – they’re are not All Black – they are nearly All Black – it’s flagrant ‘fake news’
  45. The FISMs – Argentina – Falkland Island Silver Medallists
  46. The Catholics or The Pope’s lot – South Africa – just refuse to have the pill.
  47. The FUKIRsFormal United Kingdom & Irish Rugby Side sometimes known as The British & Irish Lions.
  48. The Soap Dodgers’ – the English for the propensity to avoid bathing
  49. ‘The Northern Kiwis – The Welsh and their ‘fondness’ for livestock too.
  50. God’s chosen ones’ – NSW Waratahs – that’s a no brainer.
  51. FUX Sports – well they did their best.
  52. Hamish ‘The Hammer’ Mc Clennan – is a blunt instrument, hits hard and they stay hit. I like it.
  53. Andy ‘Lex’ Marinos – Lex Marinos was an actor from ‘Kingswood Country’ who played an Australian of foreign ancestry. RA’s ‘Lex’ is from a foreign land as well, that of the Dutch Dirt Farmers…..

So there it is, I feel sullied and violated. Like David Copperfield giving up his secrets for the sake of the idiot masses.

There will no doubt be more nicknames over time as more players earn the right to have a nickname and get an orange jersey to boot, so it’s a win-win-win.

‘Selector for a day’

Your Wallaby 36 for the Northern Invasion

Today you get tp pick your Wallaby 36 for the Spring Tour. Most pundits are predicting the squad will be ‘trimmed’ to 36 with some players given a rest plus and an enhanced pre-season in preparation of 2022.

Whatever the reason, here’s your chance to be selector for a day. You get to pick 36 players from the list attached. I used the TRC squad and added John Holmes, Noddy2.0 & Arnold for your consideration. Polls close at 2pm today and I will post the results this arvo to compare v Moses & Co’s choices.

Please share with your friends (it’s alright Yowie, you just do your own) – the more votes, the better.

You can vote here, just type in your credit card details, Medicare number and off you go.

Just kidding, we don’t need your Medicare number……

Happy voting.

How did the Orange ones TRC campaign rate?

Wallaby TRC Campaign – apparition or aperitif?

Four in a row with back to back wins over The Catholics can’t be sneezed at cannit?

Even during the Bledisloe beltings, there were signs, fleeting maybe, but signs none-the-less that those in Orange were improving, had real danger in attack, were fitter and our forwards can mix it with the best in the world. Sure, a never ending series of brain explosions (wasn’t it 18 intercept tries or something?) put paid to these glimpses of golden light, but they were there, something was building, or so it seemed?

Roll forward to the non-Nearly games of the TRC. Who didn’t feel crook in the guts when we got belted in Perth and then had the Pope’s lot, fresh from their series win against the FUKIRs lying in wait for us and we all know the rest from there, four wins in a row, second in the TRC & now ranked #3 in the world.

So what were the key takeaways? For me:

  1. Hooper is a world class leader – at last. Whatever Read & Shag did for him – thank you. There’s no doubt a refreshed mind and body in Nippon, some mentoring from true greats and the wisdom of age & experience also contributed and Lee Majors is now the captain we should all get behind. He did not pull a wrong string in the TRC and must be close to player of the tournament as well. The man is world class, why will it take his retirement for all Oz fans to finally see that? If he was a ‘Red’ would the vitriol be the same……….
  2. Age shall not weary him. Like many, well except rose coloured glasses wearing, rusted on QPRQ fans, I had my doubts about Lazarus. I have never doubted his skill set, but IMO, there were always far too many roos loose in the top rugby paddock. He was and I stress was, as flakey as old lead paint. But the man who took the field this year is just that, a ‘man’. Travelled, chastened by life, cultural & rugby experiences, wise and entirely at peace with himself and the game and his place within that. It is deeply satisfying that perhaps the manic genius of his youth had been replaced with the wily conductor of this version. Long may it last indeed. Outside him is a group of exciting prospects, Fergie, The Ginger Ninja, Gandalf, Jordan of Nazareth, the Mailman – big units, strong units, skilful units, but they ain’t nuthin without a #10 who can unleash that potential.
  3. The Ginger Ninja Rocks. Nutta says it best when he says ‘this kid is every inch a footballer’ It’s no coincidence he ‘pops up’ at the right time and place. He works his freckle off to be there, reads the game brilliantly and he will be a 50+ test veteran by the time his days are over.
  4. Our forwards – collectively are ok, but……………….We don’t have a world class #2. The Abattoir is very inconsistent – northern packs may exposes him/refs ping him for not packing square. Who is our best #6, while we have cover at 4 & 5 are they world class? Who is #8 if Sideshow Bob gets injured (reports are that Dirty Harry will stay in Oz)?

So with all that said, my overall, collective rating for the Wallabies unit for the TRC campaign is a 7. Which is a marked improvement on all the games that went before them, but the toughest part lies ahead, not the teams they face, but their oldest and toughest nemesis – ‘consistency’.

Tame that opponent and the skies the limit for this side.

‘Me? I’m nobody’

Friday’s Fast 5 Bonus

Nobody’ cares.

Former Wallaby Skipper and ok lock, also my BFF, he was on my honeymoon, well ‘wider’ honeymoon to be specific, but he was still there (Mrs Hoss reckons I looked at him with more love than I did her), John Eales likes what he sees with Moses & Co. This from chief propaganda provider at

TRC ‘Team of the tournament’

More Wallabies than Kiwis…………….you can almost hear the bleating & for once it’s not distressed livestock from the Poxy Isles, but a collective ‘wet the fax bro’. Six Wallabies, five Nearlies & four Catholics make up the TRC XV according to I think that’s being overly generous to the mutton lovers and the Pope’s lot, just sayin!

15 Jordie Barrett (NZ), 14 Andrew Kellaway (AUS), 13 Lukhanyo Am (RSA), 12 Samu Kerevi (AUS), 11 Makazole Mapimpi (RSA), 10 Quade Cooper (AUS), 9 Tate McDermott (AUS), 8 Ardie Savea (NZ), 7 Michael Hooper (AUS), 6 Akira Ioane (NZ), 5 Lood de Jager (RSA), 4 Brodie Retallick (NZ), 3 Taniela Tupou (AUS), 2 Codie Taylor (NZ), 1 Steven Kitshoff (RSA).

Reds Staying Put

The SMH reports that a handful of Reds will be left at home from the Spring Tour. These players reportedly include FKA, Dirty Harry, Son of Brian & Genesis. Cue banjoes being thrown on the floor in tanties & the Brisbane Bogan/ QPRQ Premier to ask for federal money for the expense of having them in their own state………ahhh Labor’s Queensland, beautiful one day, bankrupt the next.

WA Sucks.

In other squad news, Two-Cows looks set to stay at home after a nasty concussion in an opposed trial against the Farce in Perth leading up to the on again off again test verse those from middle earth. Like most visitors to the West they usually leave regretting their visit in the first place. At least MT may not remember his.

God’s chosen ones

The Tahs squad seems just about finalised for ‘Reset22′ which is entirely different from Reset 2015-2021 because it has ’22’ in it. After being softer than a Shi Tzu’s tummy up front last year the Tahs have secured Ruhan ‘I’ve been everywhere man’ Smith on a one year deal for 2022. The Tahs have also added a 21yo Lightning Ridge product Archer Holz to their stocks. The full squad and coach Gary Coleman’s thoughts can be found here courtesy of the SMH.

Go you blue things

I am off on work commitments next week. See you back here Friday 22nd.

Hoss – out.


A Masters from the Uni of Life, majoring in BS. Call the Hunter Valley home and a passionate Wallabies, Tah's and then the also-rans of Oz rugby next. Yearn for the days when uppitty Kiwis knew their place - losing in dying stages of Bledisloe's or as garbage collectors.

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