Greetings Gaggers and welcome to another Friday.
Today’s rugby news has a distinctly international feel to it, but before we sample foreign whines we put forward a coaching solution for the Tahs with ‘Spoon Fed’. Then look into the magic of ‘targets’ in ‘All Black?’. Look at a simmering battle brewing in the land of the sheep lover with ‘Uncivil War’. Learn some new swear words at a Rob Penney presser with ‘Fargin’ Icehole’. Jump into this week’s round #14 SRP preview with ‘Who Cares?’. Preview the so far underwhelming Wallaroos in ‘Harden Up Princesses’. Before putting an exclamation on your rugby week via Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, today with your chance to win an all expenses paid trip to New Caledonia.
Spoon Fed.
Never waste a good crisis, right. And what bigger crisis in professional sport is there than winning the wooden spoon?
Now is the time for RA to think outside the box and appoint a new coaching structure for the Tahs and indeed for the future. Today, I announce the candidacy of a G&GR Coaching Cartel for the vacant Waratahs coaching role. A crap crack squad of unique skills, foresight and ambition:
- Myself: head coach (naturally). My ability to relentlessly delegate so that I have no actual responsibilities at all, other than appointing blame, is a skill acquired over a long and eventful career and one that seems to fit seamlessly into RA’s existing structures.
- Professor Nutta: bush orator and forwards coach. What this man doesn’t know about the dark arts isn’t worth knowing. A fan of instilling the fight into every dog regardless of size. Driven, ferocious, slightly mental and 100% scary. Can also provide security for team functions.
- KARL: both a referee and a Kiwi. Can make sure the team is across the nuances of the laws of the game, the latest interpretations and how to flagrantly exploit them. Always reminding the team, it’s not ‘cheating’, it’s ‘gamesmanship’. Also useful as cultural attaché when touring NZ and navigating tricky livestock laws.
- Bris: at over 2 metres tall, and a fan of violence, can oversee lineouts and implement brutality against both suspecting and unsuspecting opponents. Born in NSW with a deep and abiding affinity for the state. Will be able to scare the players into doing it his way. His use of ‘body bags’ at pre-season training is a real motivator.
- Yowie: no real rugby experience or insight, skills or knowledge. Perfect as backs coach and running vehicle DIY nights during the weeks.
There you have it Gaggers, your coaching team to make the Tahs great again. RA, I expect your call soon. And I challenge you all to ask yourself this, could we really do any worse?
All Blacks?
No, but a few more would be nice.
Interesting read on planetrugby.com earlier in the week with a report for the South African Rugby Union stating the 2023 World Cup and recording breaking side had ‘failed in its transformation targets’. What is a transformation target you ask? Planet Rugby explains:
”Despite the positive work that has been done over the past few years, which included appointing their first-ever black skipper in Siya Kolisi, the Boks are still falling behind the targets set by the governing body”.
Last year, which saw The Catholics win a record-breaking fourth Rugby World Cup title, the Boks were tasked with including 54 per cent “generic black players”.
”Of that number, 27 per cent had to be “ethnically black players”, but in the the Rugby Championship it was at 39 per cent and 13 per cent respectively. Meanwhile, at the big dance in France, they had 38 per cent “generic black players” and 16 per cent “ethnic black players”. Despite efforts and a commitment (to transformation), the Springboks did not achieve the transformation targets in any of the three series in which they played (in 2023),” the report said.
When asked by yours truly if SARU intended to hand back the William Webb Ellis Cup for failing to meet the transformation target no answer was received.
And therein is the difference between aspirations and imperatives.
Uncivil War
Well what have we here?
The NZ Rugby Players Association, or CHEATS for short, has issued a rather aggressive and blunt warning to the NZRU that has the potential to split the game in two. Much like the World Series Cricket and the Australian Cricket Board affair did in the 70s, and more recently like Hamish and Eddie did to Australian rugby.
Rather than repeat it verbatim, here stuff.co.nz has all the gory details.
The short story revolves around an upcoming vote about a proposed governance model for rugby in NZ. And if you don’t think the players are serious, check this out for a quote: ‘The NZRPA letter – signed by David Kirk, Richie McCaw, Tammi Wilson Uluinayau, Sam Cane, Scott Curry, Les Elder, Sarah Hirini, Ruby Tui, Patrick Tuipulotu, Samuel Whitelock, Will Jordan, Scott Ireland and Rob Nichol – said that professional players would simply refuse to recognise NZ Rugby’s right to govern the game if its preferred proposal is blocked‘.
What’s the old adage? Never interrupt your enemy when they are making a mistake. Punch on NZ, punch on.
Fargin’ Icehole.
Nope, not a Norwegian health spa, but instead a rather churlish and chastened Kiwi coach.
I get being the Saders coach may not be much fun at present, but it’s sure as spit more fun than being the Tahs coach. Not since Mrs Hoss found I’d bought another pair of RM boots have I heard such an expletive laden torrent at a fellow human being. Crusaders coach Rob ‘I am gonna f**** the corpse of your dead mother and urinate in her eye sockets’ Penney, has been caught on a ‘hot mic’ unloading on a Kiwi journo, who it must be said didn’t ask anything all that confrontational.
Coach under pressure much? Can you see Dingo Deans ever doing this?
You can catch Mr Potty Mouth’s interview here. Warning: some poor language is used.
Who Cares?
The penultimate round is upon us and realistically, all bar two teams still have a chance at making the eight. Who wins and why? I don’t really care anymore, so I’m picking five draws.
Happy’s Thursday’s News has all the team details.
Friday 24 May 5:05 PM AEST – Chiefs v Hurricanes at FMG Stadium Waikato, Hamilton
Shaping up as a really good game. Interesting to hear the boys Talking Teams Podcast with Happy suggesting the Chiefs have considerable ‘grub factor’ in their DNA. The Canes, they’ve got a few changes made, most on the back of niggling injuries. While I hope they bash the living snot out of each other, a Chiefs win would do wonders for the Brumbies top #2 aspirations
Fearless prediction: Chiefs by 12 and no Canes bonus point.
Referee: Paul Williams Assistant Referees: Dan Waenga, Mike Winter
Friday 24 May 7:35 PM AEST – ACT Brumbies v Melbourne Rebels at GIO Stadium, Canberra
As Seinfeld nearly said, ‘the Brumbies could be master of their own domain’ come kickoff tonight. With the Chiefs/Canes match run and done, the Ponies will know what they need to do. Obviously they must win first and against an underrated Rebels side that’s mission one. Once the victory is confirmed, bonus points will become very much a live option.
But no Flash Gordon for the Rebs means no chance for the win. Besides, the Ponies really do have too much at stake to roll over in this one.
Fearless Prediction: Brumbies by 21
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, Jordan Kaminski
Saturday 25 May 2:35 PM AEST – Moana Pasifika v NSW Waratahs at GO Media Stadium, Auckland
A front row made up of brave club warriors, a piecemeal backline, loose forwards playing out of position, a coach that’s been rissolled and a wooden spoon on offer. That sound about right?
Plus you’ve got the man who hates the Tahs the most, with the whistle. Make it stop. Just make it stop.
Fearless Prediction: I always want my Tahs to win….and they will. Tahs by 5.
Referee: Nic Berry Assistant Referees: Reuben Keane, George Myers
Saturday 25 May 5:05 PM AEST – Crusaders v Blues at Apollo Projects Stadium, Christchurch
Two teams who care little for each other. A coach under pressure and a championship team and a dynasty looking like it’s disappearing up its own backside.
Good theatre at least.
Fearless Prediction: Blues by 18.
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referees: Jono Bredin, Fraser Hannon
Saturday 25 May 7:35 PM AEST – Queensland Reds v Western Force at Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane
Pretenders v Contenders, but, just which is which?
Last week the Communist side fluffed its lines in Fiji. Sure the Drua at home are blah blah blah blah. But you wanna wear the crown, you got to win outta town (copyright Ponderosa Publishing 2024). And on this front the Reds looked like the great pretenders.
The Force, well they’ve actually flown under the radar haven’t they. Currently two points outside the eight, the Force are threatening to not only make the eight, but also cause a bit of mischief if they get in.
The Reds do look strong on paper for this one, but I like what the Force and Cron are building out west. Besides, a few of the Reds cattle are just back from a spell, and it’s been my experience that first run back from the paddock players just ain’t at their best.
Fearless Prediction: Force by 9. But beware the Damon Murphy effect, he’s to rugby officiating what Pamela Anderson is to deportment lessons: hard to take seriously.
Referee: Damon Murphy Assistant Referees: Jorday Way, Jeremy Markey
Sunday 26 May 12:05 PM AEST – Highlanders v Fijian Drua at Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dunedin
Perhaps the most important game of the year for these two sides. Win and your destiny is in your hands for the top eight. Lose and you must win next week and have other results go your way. The Landers are perhaps a better side than the ladder indicates. The Drua, we all know they’re home ground heroes and pretty shite everywhere else. Remind me again where this game is being played?
Fearless prediction: Landers by 12.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referees: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw
Harden Up Princesses.
NZ v Wallaroos. Sat may 25. Kick off 11:40am AEST – on STAN.
Let’s be blunt. The Wallaroos have been poor so far. Against the American Kiwis a few weeks back I could accept a degree of rust, a lack of cohesion and an allowance for being ‘a bit off’. But against the actual Seppos last week, that second half performance was just utter rot.
There’s no denying that the Wallaroos have a few Ferraris out wide. But there’s no good having the race cars out wide if you run them on watered down unleaded petrol! And that’s what the Wallaroos pack has done now. Twice!
It’s a well worn rugby path that forwards win you a game, the backs decide by how much. Well so far this year, the forwards have lost the Wallaroos both games and decided the margins of the losses. And it don’t get no easier this week when they take on a Black Ferns side who had their pride pricked by the Canucks last up. So if our forwards don’t front up, it could get ugly. Real ugly.
Team details rugby.com.au.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
115 Not Out.
Big shout out to our best pea blower, and also one of the world’s best, Gus Gardner. Gus breaks the SR record of Jaco Peyper this weekend for his 115th game in charge when he officiates the Brumbies and rebels this weekend in Canberra.
Gus tells rugby.com.au “As much as anything, it’s just been an awesome journey. It’s interesting because when I did my 100th not so long ago, I said refereeing is as much about the people that helped you get there so I think whenever you achieve a milestone in refereeing it’s great to acknowledge the people that have helped you get there”.
Congratulations Gus.
What is he good for?
Phil Waugh talks to the SMH, without saying anything at all, about the search for a news Tahs coach: “It’s a matter of making sure that, like we did with Joe Schmidt’s appointment, that there’s a thorough search and ensuring that we have good visibility of who is available in the global game.”
Mr Waugh also had this to say on the drawn out Rebels saga: “Clearly, we have a responsibility to players, to staff, to the rugby public to get to an outcome as quickly as possible to provide certainty across the system,”. I just checked my calendar and ‘as quickly as possible’ appears to have been three months ago.
Drama Queen.
All Black #24 and president of the Richie McCaw fan club, Nigel Owens, tells planet rugby.com: “I fear that introducing this new law is simply papering over the cracks of the game’s issues and is more likely to create further problems than solve the existing ones,”
I do get what he is inferring, however, the officials can still award full arm penalties and issue yellow card sanctions should scrum shenanigans warrant thus. Good article, interesting points.
Poacher turned gamekeeper.
The Drua have shown RA what a succession plan looks like in appointing former SR referee and current assistant coach Glenn Jackson as next year’s head coach. Jackson will take on the role when Mick Byrne ascends the thrown to become king of Fiji rugby and head coach of the national side.
See RA, it’s not real hard to do.
The north remembers.
Its finals time up north. This Sunday AEST the finale of the Champions Cup takes place between Irish powerhouse Leinster and the French flair of Toulouse.
For Leinster they are looking to avoid their third straight Cup final defeat, while Toulouse are looking to add to their trophy cabinet and also their reputation as European rugby royalty.
Be a cracking game to watch and planetrugby.com has all your Champions Cup news.
Getting intimate with Hoss 2.0
Who said it wouldn’t last? Another podcast drops at 12:30pm today. Without giving away any names, imagine a former Waratahs championship-winning coach, who took the Wallabies to a World Cup final and now lives in France, as my special guest.
Until next week. Go the Tahs.
Hoss -out.
