Ladies and gents, and all those in between, it’s time to breath again.
The eternal emptiness of the holiday season is over, rugby is back. So to the most sacred day of the rugby week and you know what that means, Friday’s Rugby News is finally here. Refreshed, rotund and roaring to go, so let’s climb aboard the insanity express and hook into rugby, 2024 style.
We kick the year off with a look at the exciting prospects for the code with ‘Funk Off?’. Take a trip down south with some scandalous allegations in ‘Rebels Yell’. Go inside the gala awards season with ‘Nobody likes Sideshow Bob‘. Then a visit to the substantially augmented reality of ‘The Tahdashians: Episode 1. Great Expectations. And for a first week back bonus, come with me for an exclusive interview* with the new coach of the Queensland Communists, Wendy Matthews in ‘Like Angels Do?’. And farewell today’s news with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss‘ – still not officially accredited with Rugby Australia, hmmmmm.
Funk Off?
There’s a bright golden haze on the meadow, or is it the light from a large, possibly thermonuclear munitions explosion? Let’s see.
Is it just me or does any other rugby fan feel like we’ve just woken for the worst nightmare we’ve endured over the last 20 years?
Let’s be clear, RA has got our man with the appointment of St Joe. There was only one sensible choice for a proven, consistent, world class coach to take over the basket case formerly known as The Wallabies. Calls for an Australian coach from mental giants like Greg Martin are narrow-minded, jingoistic crap. The same people jump into their Tesla wearing their Apple watch, their Nikes and Levis, fly their Chinese made Australia flag out the driver’s side window on Oz day on their way to a pizzeria to enjoy some French bubbles. Give me a break already. The best person for the job is the best person for the job. Borders be damned.
St Joe is a winner. Everywhere he goes he gets results, and more than that he leaves teams, people and organisations better than when he found them. And that folks is what we crave, what we need and what we get with the appointment of St Joe.
The great temptation for fans is to expect too much, too soon. We need to temper our expectations and take small wins along the way. For me, those wins will be around consistency of selection and a sustainable improvement trajectory. Does that mean we’ll win any trophies this year? Sure as spit – no. What it means to me, though, is we see the emerging embryo of a playing squad to face the FUKIRS next year. A squad allowed time in the saddle, to build combinations and grow their games. It means the semblance of a game plan the players can execute week in – week out. It means consistency, tempered with patience and an understanding that game by game, camp by camp our men can regain their mojo. They’ll again understand they are infinitely better than what that pillock of a former coach delivered us and that rugby in our country is in good hands and is reborn.
I am excited to see what St Joe can deliver us. Give us hope, mixed with patient, realistic understanding and consign 2023 to the deepest darkest recesses of our minds. Achieve this and Aussie fans might all shake the funk off once and for all.
Go well, Mr Schmidt.
Rebels Yell.
‘When the Rebels yelled, they cried, more, more, more. We got no coin, we need more, more, more’
It seems my brevity and excitement about Oz rugby’s chapter next lasted exactly one article! Breaking News in The Australian last night and a rather serious allegation from the Mexican side that RA had deliberately poisoned the financial well from whence the Rebs and all Oz sides drink.
The Australian is behind a paywall, and for those without access here are some quotes from the article to give you a brief, but general feel for the allegations:
‘Explosive documents obtained by The Australian also reveal the Melbourne franchise has privately been known for the past seven months as “Rebels Pasifika”, with it set to merge with fellow Super Rugby team Moana Pasifika this year.
The board document circulated revealed the Melbourne Rebels leadership felt they “could not” survive because of RA’s funding cuts, which saw $1.7m slashed during the Covid pandemic and not reinstated, accusing Rugby Australia of “oppressive conduct”.
The Rebels claim that RA’s leadership, headed by former Wallabies Phil Waugh (chief executive) and Dan Herbert (chair), were leading a board that had acted in a “unconscionable” and disrespectful manner towards Super Rugby clubs’.
Now, if I may. From a fan of rugby in Australia, it’s my opinion that, by any metric, the Rebels should have been axed in 2017, and since their inception they have enjoyed more monetary arse wipes from RA and Victorian taxpayers than a toddler with irritated bowel syndrome has received from their parents. So while I feel for the players and their families and their 16 fans, the time has come to accept the experiment is over. It was noble, it was worthy of a calculated business gamble, but it’s failed and it’s time to turn off the financial life support at season’s end. We have indeed been sold a dead rugby parrot and no amount of additional funds will give it life.
As a resident of the Hunter Valley I’ll leave you with this analogy: everybody knows you don’t bring coal to Newcastle. The Rebels are a single piece of coal in a landscape completely awash with AFL coal already.
It was tried, it failed. Too bad, so sad, move on.
‘Nobody’ loves Sideshow Bob.
Three cheers for Sideshow Bob Valetini for his victory Wednesday night in the John Eales (‘Nobody’) Medal. Voted by his Wallaby peers as the Players’ Player of 2023.
Few could argue with the result, with perhaps Angus Bell the only other serious contender for the title. Although Marika ‘don’t tally my missed tackles or bad defensive reads, but I run around a lot’ Koroibete making a charge home in third place.
Sideshow Bob played all bar 12 minutes of every test under that delusional, halfwit, former coach, Voldemort. Every one of his carries had purpose, mixed with vigorous intent. While every tackle made was authoritative and bone-rattling. For a big unit he has a terrific engine, good speed, great skills (remember his own kick and chase Brumbies try here), is mature beyond his years and despite his physical and abrasive play remains largely injury free, compared to Cliff Palu for example.
Not to be outdone, Eva Karpani was named the Buildcorp Wallaroos Player of the Year. I really enjoyed watching Karpani play this year, in fact for mine, it was the year she found belief to marry her talents and delivered on both those fronts consistently all year. Some of her carries were outstanding. She nails the meat and potatoes work of a prop and has now added real grunt and skill to her work in attack. Very well deserved award.
Last man standing at rugby.com.au, Nathan Williamson has all the winners from the night.
Congrats to all who took home a gong at the awards from all at G&GR.
The Tahdashians: Episode 1. Great Expectations.
Nary a ball has been kicked in anger and the drums are already beating at Tahdashians HQ. According to the SMH, third year coach, Gary Coleman (‘wot you talkin’ bout Hoss’) has been told he has four games to ‘earn’ a contract extension. Now I don’t know what the configuration of wins might look like during said four games, but one might imagine a minimum would be a 2-2 W/L outcome. Now as someone often accused of a Tahs bias, I find the call, if true, fair enough.
For too long Oz rugby fans have accepted mediocrity from our players, coaches, administrators and clubs. If you want to change results, then change everything. Methods, players, training and/or coaches. By all means a certain investment of time is required, but if it ain’t happened by year three, why will it happen in year four?
Let’s face it, it’s a competition of 12 sides that has a top 8, nearly everyone gets a prize and even the meek and mild make the finals. That’s like participation awards for all, even the fat, rancid, untalented kid at the back, you know, the Western Force of school kids.
In the Tahs case, the first four matches are:
- Reds v Tahs at Suncorp (bonus point win to the Tahs).
- Crusaders v Tahs in shitsville (tough 4 point win to the Tahs, just to stick it to Rob Penney).
- Tahs v Highlanders. Romping Tahs win for first home game, Tahs by 23.
- Tahs v Blues. Hard fought 19 point win to the Tahs.
So by round 4, not only will Coleman be safe, we’ll be 5 points clear at the top of the table and probably resting a few players for the home semi-final later in the season!
The Tahs have seemingly flown under the radar with recruitment during the off season, but there are two additions to the playing ranks I am suitably impressed by. Firstly, you have giant human Miles Amatosero, standing 318cm tall and weighing more that a Citroen hatchback. Miles returns from the land of the world cup chokers hosts France and bolsters what was an area of concern, the locks. Equally, one of my fave players in Oz and a Hunter Valley local (love Scone) Fergus Lee-Warner returns home to NSW. FLW was always a proper rugby player in that Scott Fardy mould. Never gonna make a highlight real, but every team is better when he’s on the field and the Tahs will benefit from his presence. If the coaches can rid him of the bad habits and lose accustomed ways he inherited out west he could be something special this year.
Sure, there’ve been some departures as well. Australia’s best #10 under Voldemort, Ben Donno, has headed west and taken with him one of the young bucks I thought had Wallaby written all over him in Will Harris. But the Tahs will also welcome back the much forgotten, left-footed attacking dynamo, Will Harrison from loooooong term injury to add some pressure to Tane ‘Ed Sheeran’ Edmed at #10.
The one fly in my whisky though is the pending departure of Mark, The Cockerel (not yet a rooster), Nawaqanitawase. The kid’s got game, he’s every inch an athlete. Great hands, fast, big, a real threat, even in little room and with a big thirst for work. How RA let him slip through their fingers is just mystifying and a lasting testament to life under Hammer and Voldemort. Sure we get Josef ‘Caitlyn Jenner’ (a former Rooster) Sua’ali’i in 2025, but those two together at the Tahs, well that’s just rugby porn right there. Sigh.
For those of you who don’t follow the Tahs, firstly, you’re all idiots, secondly, you can check out your side’s full squads for the 2024 SRP courtesy Wide World of Sports wwos.nine.com.au
Like Angels Do?
You have to love a good off season, don’tcha Gaggers. It’s full of the promise of growth, of engagement, of hunger and desire. It’s like the early days of courtship, everything is new and fresh, exciting and you get that tingle of excitement and anticipation, that can be at once equally exhilarating, yet strangely nerve-racking.
Which leads us nicely to all the noise coming out of the Queensland People’and Republic of Queensland (QPRQ) players, fans & administrators about their new coach, ‘Wendy Matthews’. So in search of fact over fiction, of meat over ‘vegan meat’, yours truly sojourned to the banjo capital of the universe for this exclusive* one on one:
H: Wendy, welcome to Friday’s Rugby News on G&GR, pleasure to have you here.
W: ‘Thanks Hoss, but before we start, just to clarify, I am actually Les’.
H: We all are at some point Wendy, no judgements here, G&GR is a broad and inclusive rugby church. Life after The Padre, Brad Thorn, seems to’ve been seamless for you, are you pleased with what you’ve achieved thus far?
W: ‘I am Hoss. The first week was a mess. I spent a few days throwing out bibles from The Padre’s office, not to mention the protein shake satchels in his drawer, but after that it’s been full steam ahead to achieve our goals for ’24.’
H: Just on that front, you seemed to inherit a side that underperformed over the last couple of years and when you came in, looking from the outside, you had fewer props than a low budget porn movie. How have you set about the recruit and rebuild required?
W: ‘I think it’s fair to say the side didn’t meet their own internal expectations last year and yep, when I arrived here we were a few piggies short of a barnyard, that’s for sure.’
H: That’s coach talk for ‘we were proper shite’ right?
W: ‘Guilty as charged. But we’ve signed a couple of Kiwi props, recruited well and I like our chances for the year ahead, plus we’ll get our Melbourne-based players back next year as well when the Rebs fold, so the future is looking rather peachy.’
H: Well maybe not if you’re a Rebel player or fan, but I get your drift. There’s been a lot of noise north of the border about a new attacking style. Just what can Reds and Oz fans expect from your side this year?
W: ‘More attack.’
H: Wow, inciteful. How do you plan to get the ball wider? Given you have a #9 who can’t pass and #10s either past their best or still with L plates and a #12 in The Squatter, who sells more dummies than Baby Target thus starving outside backs of ball? Not to mention the prop problem we discussed earlier.
W: ‘Woo up Hoss, they told me you were a Rick with a silent P. Joe Dirt has matured and is growing his game, we have a few young guys being mentored by JOC2.0, We have pace and size in the backs and a big athletic pack. So we look ok.’
H: And props?
W: ‘Piss off Hoss.’
H: Thought as much. Despite the mediocre results, the organisation seems to be a good space at present. Ballymore’s up and running and there’s money in the bank account, how do you build on the momentum you have as an organisation?
W: ‘By winning and playing a brand of rugby that resonates with Queenslanders. Well that and banjo concerts at half time for all home games.’
H: One last question Wendy. How has it been having former Reds and Wallaby legend ‘Lieutenant Dan’ Herbert sitting atop the RA throne. How do you best leverage that?
W: ‘That’s not on our radar Hossy, we will simply let our rugby do the talking this year. Prepare well, have some fun along the way and belt the Tahs a few times.’
H: Sounds like the realm of dreams and fantasy Wendy.
W: ‘What, like angels do Hoss?’
H: Well played Wendy, well played indeed.
*Interview may not have actually happened. It might have, but who’s to really say.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Blowing the whistle.
Interesting news from World Rugby and their ability to track a ‘Queensland Idiot’ (that’s an exhaustive list if ever I saw one) who made vile threats to Wayne Barnes after the RWC final. Now, as a neutral I thought Mr Barnes had an exceptional game. Anyhow, to that end, rupgypasstv have the excellent ‘Whistle Blower‘ doco that’s well worth a look. It does require a free account set up and 18 years of harassing promotional emails, but worth it none the less.
For the record, I find people who sit behind fake online names and write stuff about people to be complete tosspots. Well from Monday to Thursday anyway.
6N Name change?
planetrugby.com has all your 6N news, teams and stats for round two this weekend.
Halfpenny not the full quid.
Disappointing news for former Welsh star and new Crusaders recruit Leigh Halfpenny has torn a pectoral muscle when he ran out for the Saders against Munster in Oirland last weekend.
The Saders have confirmed surgery will be required with best case scenario he will be able to take the field later in the season. Here’s to a speedy recovery and return for the Welsh and Lion legend.
Rassie wrangles rookies
Water boy turned head coach Rassie Erasmus has unveiled his new and somewhat surprising coaching set up for 2024 and beyond, planetrugby.com has more.
Yowie mating call?
Trial, my backside! Let’s be clear here Gaggers, when the Reds and Tahs face off, the only thing ‘trial’ about it is Reds fans trialling new excuses for losing: ‘the last pass was forward’, ‘we had a cyclone’, ‘I lost my banjo’, ‘we only had 16 co-captains’, ‘my marriage is over cause my sister left me’.
Both squads have been announced via rugby.com.au for the Santos Fracking Festival of Rugby in Roma this Saturday. For the record, it’s Tahs by 38.
That’s all for now, it’s good to be back.
Take it away Wendy
Hoss – out.
