Greetings all and welcome to the first ever RWC edition of ‘Green & Gold and Nearly All Black Rugby’ or ‘GAGANABR’ (pronounced ‘gag-en-aber’). I said a few weeks back we all needed to embrace our inner Kiwi as our own side looked destined for the dung heap of RWC oblivion.
With only a few more sleeps before our dear ol’ pet Wallaby is finally laid to rest and shot in the head at close range by Fijian hunters, today we look at the games that still matter for those nations who can actually play rugby.
Let’s start today with a FRN *Exclusive with ‘Dear Nathan’. Put on your flares for ‘Staying Alive: RWC Round 5′. Polish my one good crystal ball in ‘The Hosstradamus Prophecies’. And close the chapter on another unproductive work week with ‘Friday’s RWC Goss with Hoss’ now cramming my Kiwi studies with a doco called ‘Hiz our Russell Crew Brew’ and lustening to Splut Unz. But I draw the line at ‘patting’ a sheep only.
‘Dear Nathan’
In another Friday Rugby News *Exclusive, I’ve been provided a transcript of a letter reportedly sent to Penriff Panfers #7 and rugba loig legend Nathan Cleary, allegedly from an international rugby coach who’s currently under a degree of intense pressure. Well may you call me the ‘Tom Decent’ of G&GR or perhaps more likely, Tom is the ‘Hoss’ of the SMH:
‘Dear Nathan,
It is with great excitement that I write you today about an exciting opportunity to be part of the most heroic rescue in sporting history and stamp your name as perhaps the greatest footballer in Australian sport of all time. Now by ‘footballer’ I don’t include the Mexican sport of ‘everyone gets a point for trying’ or the round ball version ‘man-bun diving’. I mean for playing full body contact chess, or better known as ‘rugby union’.
Rather than plot out any decipherable game plan or selections for our match against Portugal, instead I sat down to watch the match of your current employer, the ‘Penriff Poker Machine Proliferators’ against the ‘Brisbane (as a state we are totally shite at sport) Banjoes’, and what I witnessed from you was pure sporting poetry and it got me thinking: ‘How much money would it take to bring you to our great game’?
You see, our code’s in a spot of bother and you may very well be the answer we have been looking for. The truth is, ‘growing’ our players and restructuring as we need to is just so, well, boring and ‘long term’. So, like a fading fat kid at three o’clock, what our game really needs is a ‘sugar hit’ and you’re that ‘sugar’. Granted a sugar hit fades pretty quickly and you end up with a shocking headache and long term health issues, but who cares! If we win in ’27 I am outta here anyway, if not earlier, but keep that on the down low. It got mentioned at a presser recently, but I think I got away with it!
At this stage it’s fair to ask you just what loig ‘mountains’ are left for you to climb? Is ‘four in a row’ really any more memorable than three in a row? Can loig fans actually count to four without removing a shoe anyway? You’ve both won and lost ‘Debate of Origin’ series’. You’ve played in four successive grand finals and represented Australia against other loig nations like Lebanon and Papua New Guinea, so what exactly do you have left to conquer in loig?
That’s where I might come in with a unique opportunity and challenge.
I work for an organisation whose chair said directly to the media, that I could have ‘whatever he wants’ (sucker) and I want you. I want you as our future Wallaby #10. We had a couple of old farts I got rid of just in time to register an historic result in France. And I’m pretty sure I’ve completely singed the young blokes I took, thus leaving a vacancy for our hollowed orange (sorry, meant ‘gold’, some w@nker on G&GR always calls them ‘orange’) and when I saw you carving up a bunch of heavily tattooed troglodytes I thought this had ‘density’ written large all over it.
So to my offer.
We have recently shelled out a whopping $1.6m pa for a loig outside back to join us in 2025 and he could be the best since one ‘Izzy F’. I acknowledge his aerial skills aren’t quite the same and I’m unsure on just where he stands on eternal BBQs for same sex relationships either, but my point is, if the muppets in suits can be hoodwinked into $1.6m for him, how does $2.5m pa sound for you?
Of course, being nearly bankrupt as a code, well, apart from a $60m loan against possible future earnings, known in financial circles as ‘Russian Roulette Lending’, we may need to discuss a ‘payment plan’ type arrangement with you to cover the amount, but we’re good for it, eventually, for sure, perhaps. We could even use that money we had planned for sheila rugby, no one at RA even knows their name anyway, it’s the ‘Kookaburras’ I think, I’m sure it’s a native bird name, has a nice symmetry to it, might be the ‘Kestrels’, I’m pretty certain there’s a ‘K’ in it, I’ll check with Phil.
As for our competitiveness as a rugby nation, I can absolutely guarantee you that even though we might be ranked #10 in the world, you would be joining the highest ranked Tier 2 rugby nation currently in world rugby. With recent comprehensive victories over some traditional rugby powerhouses like Italy Georgia and Portugal.
I’d love to get the chance to discuss this with you in person soon and make a formal presentation to you to transition to our code and leave a legacy unlike any other rugby player. I am heading to Japan after the RWC for a job opportunity to holiday with the family and would welcome the opportunity to meet with you should I be unsuccessful.
Until then, I’d ask that you might consider my offer and I welcome any feedback you or your agent feel pertinent.
Sayonara Mate.
Mr Jones’.
*authenticity of letter remains highly questionable.
STAYING ALIVE: WEEK FIVE
All times are AEDST and all coverage on STAN.
Team details: rugby.com.au
Pool Standings: rugbyworldcup.com
Match Officials: worldrugby.com
Friday, 6 October: New Zealand v Uruguay, OL Stadium, Lyon (6:00 AM)
Prédiction Intrépide: “For as long as I’ve been playing, one of the toughest challenges of the week is preparing for a team that you know will be easy to overcome” said Ofa Tu’ungafasi and ‘no’ he wasn’t referencing our Wallabies, although…..
At least he said what everyone thinks anyway and is usually to PC to say. The ABs have made 9 changes to the side that destroyed the Pasta Lovers last week and this match will be little more than an opposed training run. Nearlies by a ‘Bradman’: 100
Saturday, 7 October: France v Italy, OL Stadium, Lyon (6:00 AM)
Prédiction Intrépide: No Dupont? No worries. You don’t concede nearly 100 points one week and turn around and threaten the team who already beat the team who scored near 100 against you the week earlier. Frogs by 60.
Sunday, 8 October: Wales v Georgia, Stade de la Beaujoire, Nantes (12:00 AM)
Prédiction Intrépide: Wales are one of only two teams to have already locked in a QF spot and I don’t really know what to say given the ‘turmoil’ Welsh rugby seemed to be in heading to France. So if Wales beat Georgia by less than they had beaten us, what does that say about us exactly? Wales by 25.
Sunday, 8 October: England v Samoa, Stade Pierre Mauroy, Lille (2:45 AM)
Prédiction Intrépide: England, yes England, are the only other side to have already qualified for the QFs and I don’t know what galls me more. An Australian side falling in the pool stages for the first time ever, or an English side so desperately poor in terms of skill, fitness, tactics and general rugby ability that it has already qualified for the QF? Although, on current trajectories, they’d run into Fiji in that QF (cue spooky music and evil laugh here) . Soap Dodgers by 40.
Sunday, 8 October: Ireland v Scotland, Stade de France, Paris (6:00 AM)
Live G&GR Chat will be available
Prédiction Intrépide: A match that could actually knock the defending world champions, ‘The Catholics’, out of the World Cup entirely. Now that might cheer up a Wallaby fan or two. That’s right folks, depending on a number of obscure outcomes in this match, the Saffas could be sent packing: check out all the permutations on stuff.co.nz
This really is the match of final pool round of the RWC and sets up any number of mouth watering QF ‘possibilities’ for next week, for the winner of this pool (Pool B ) will most certainly face New Zealand (runner up in Pool A) next week!
To be fair I don’t know much about Scotland. Other than it has shite weather, loves the English, has Glaswegians who speak a ‘language’ I could never understand and a fantastic comedy club culture in Edinburgh. Well that and the fact I’d relocate there tomorrow, it’s a living postcard populated by some of the warmest, most gracious people on the planet.
After a flat start against The Pope’s Lot when they were rolled quiet comfortably, the Scots have basically been the forgotten team. Until now. This Scottish team has more flair and skill than previous sides. They have also troubled the Oirish in the 6N and will be well ‘up’ for this one and not spooked by anything Ireland might offer.
As for the Oirish, well all and sundry have sung their praises as a rugby force of some regard. But I reckon the shite kicking of the Saffas may have covered over a few issues with the Blarney Stone smoochers. Sure, they played well, but if Pollard had’ve played I reckon the result would have been different. And nothing papers over cracks like ‘winning’ can.
I actually find this one really difficult to call and sense a Scottish side lying in ambush for Sexton’s soldiers.
Bugger it, The Haggis Eaters by 3 just to see how the dominoes fall!
Aussie Nic Berry has the whistle too and has been, IMO, below his best since Jaco Johan did his bit.
Match Officials: Nic Berry (RA) Assistant Referee 1: Wayne Barnes (RFU) Assistant Referee 2: Jordan Way (RA) TMO: Brett Cronan (RA)
Sunday, 8 October: Japan v Argentina, Stade de la Beaujoire, Nantes (10:00 PM)
Prédiction Intrépide: The weekend’s second best and most impactful fixture. Short story: this is a battle for a QF spot with England assured of finishing first.
The FIMS were awful against an English side down to 14 players for 77 minutes in game one of their 23 RWC campaign, but that was also without Nicholas Sanchez pulling the strings at #10 (there’s that number again, Eddie). Los Pumas almost looked constipated by fear in that first game, contrast that to the joy and expressiveness of their outing against Chile.
Japan look like a team that’s stayed together a bit too long. While they’ll look to play a high speed, high skill game, i just don’t believe they can withstand the Argentinian forward power long enough to express their own game plans and ambition.
For me, this is Argentina’s match to lose and I think coach Chek has them on a good trajectory at present. BOK has the whistle for this one and lets a genuine contest at the ruck develop, which will also suit the team in blue and white hoops. So for me it’s Los Pumas by 18 and I reckon they’re specials to roll Wales next week too and into the SFs.
Match Officials: Referee: Ben O’Keeffe (NZR) Assistant Referee 1: Paul Williams (NZR) Assistant Referee 2: James Doleman (NZR) TMO: Brendon Pickerill (NZR)
Monday, 9 October: Tonga v Romania, Stade Pierre Mauroy, Lille (2:45 AM)
Prédiction Intrépide: Tonga by 70.
Monday, 9 October: Fiji v Portugal, Stadium de Toulouse, Toulouse (6:00 AM)
Prédiction Intrépide: Don’t do it to yourself Wallaby fans! Fiji by 45 and the remains of Australian rugby to be scattered at Fromelles.
The Hosstradamus Prophecies.
Quarter and semi-final predictions, with my winning tips in ‘bold’:
QF1 Saturday 14th October
Winner Pool C: Wales v Runner up Pool D: Argentina
QF2 Saturday 14th October
Winner Pool B: Ireland v Runner up Pool A: New Zealand
QF3 Sunday 15th October
Winner Pool D: England v Runner up Pool C: Fiji
QF4 Sunday 15th October
Winner Pool A: France v Runner up Pool B: South Africa.
Semi Finals
Friday October 20th
Winner QF1: Argentina v Winner QF2: New Zealand
Saturday 21st October
Winner QF3: Fiji v Winner QF4: France
Saturday 28th October
Final: France v NZ. Doesn’t that have a wonderful symmetry to it!
Friday’s RWC Goss with Hoss.
No Razor allowed.
No, not French security guidelines for fans at RWC grounds, but an insistence from Fozzie B Bear that disruptor and incoming AB coach Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson not be allowed anywhere near the Nearlies during the Battle for Bill. stuff.co.nz has more
Buy that pigeon a drink!
RA’s marketing pigeon ‘Nathan’ deserves a drink for trying to stay positive in the unrelenting face of reality, with yesterday’s release on rugby.com.au proclaiming ‘Elsa’ Frost and ‘Flash’ Gordon are both ‘ruled out from the rest of the Rugby World Cup’. You have to give them an ‘A’ for effort, but bugger me if it ain’t also taking the micky a bit and that’s my job.
What odds Eddie calling up a replacement now you reckon?
Loig pre-season
Roger Tuivasa-Sheck has wasted no time in his return to loig, starting his pre-season early for his old/new team the Warriors. RTS has been spotted doing plenty of fitness work, weights in the gym, oh and pleading guilty to drink driving charges as well. stuff.co.nz has more.
More ‘boring’ please
Battle of the press conferences this week with Fozzie B Bear labelling the Dutch Dirt Farmers match against the Chokers ‘boring’. Now, I watched the SA v Ireland game and I thought it was possibly the best game of rugby I’d witnessed in a looooong time. Sure it was low scoring, but as for sporting theatre, skill, fitness and physicality, I thought it was a magnificent spectacle. I also thought it was brilliantly officiated from BOK as well.
Contrast that to a 96-17 thumping and well, I know what game I’ll replay and watch 10 years from now and none of them will be wearing Nearly All Black jerseys.
planetrugby.com has more.
Sympathy from the Devils?
Taking the pus, sunking the slupper un or really good point. stuff.co.nz has more.
World Rugby hates plates.
It seems cramming 24 teams into a RWC is a much better idea then growing the game among ‘the second tier’. theguardian.com has more.
Hammer time.
It’s one thing to get on here and vent, shout, kick and scream among fellow Australian rugby fans, it’s almost a free therapy service and ‘by crikey, by jingo‘, don’t we need it. But it’s another thing all together to ‘confront’ a member of RA or a Wallaby when they’re with family in the manner reported in the SMH this week. This folks is simply never acceptable.
That’s all for another Friday folks. Time to get behind Fiji and NZ, yes, even NZ.
Sigh.
Hoss – out
