We all deal with grief in different ways. Hoss seems to be dealing with the loss of One Direction‘s Liam Payne via a deep dive into conspiracy theories, according to his text messages to the writer: “Don’t just accept the ‘mainstream police’ explanation for it. There was a 5G mobile phone tower near that Buenos Aires hotel. Coincidence? Liam was too gorgeous so they killed him for it. I could be next!”
As such, Hoss is unfit for Friday’s Rugby News duties until he feels better.
Wallabies’ low fuss deployment
Rugby365 reports that the Wallabies have quietly set off for their most significant tour in ages.
Australia’s 34-man squad headed to the UK on Thursday night with an opportunity to complete the first grand slam sweep in 40 years with successive victories over the Poms, Taffs, Jocks and Paddies. Beating all four home nations in consecutive Tests hasn’t been achieved since the Alan Jones-coached, Andrew Slack-led, Mark Ella-inspired, rocker, roller and out-of-controller Wallabies of 1984 managed the feat for the one and only time by Australia.
Coach Joe Schmidt opted against addressing the media before flying out, saying to airport media “What’s thit over there!?” before doing a sideways ninja roll past the boarding gate and running down the ramp to the aircraft, laughing. Schmidt’s understated approach is a far cry from when his predecessor Eddie Jones told Australian rugby journalists to “give yourselves an uppercut” in an infamous departing press conference before last year’s World Cup in France.
“It’s extremely exciting,” Wallabies prop Angus Bell said before flying out. “I haven’t had one [a tour] in a while and it’s a great test before the Lions tour coming up next year. So we’re really excited to test ourselves against, I guess, some of the best teams in the world and, yeah, we’re looking to come away with four wins.”
Some rugby media have turned the above quote into the headline “Angus Bell makes a bold ‘four wins’ Wallabies tour prediction”, but G&GR is above that sort of nonsense. Even the hard-of-understanding know the difference between having a performance goal and predicting a result.
The Wallabies’ open the first grand slam tour since 2016 against England on 10 November 2024, 1:10am AEDT at Twickenham, a place that features in a lot of limericks that Karl likes to tell.
Specifics of Rocky payments revealed
The SMH has revealed some of the details from the 17-page charge sheet against Rocky Elsom from the cheese eating surrender monkeys.
The documents reveal investigating magistrate Melodie Fabre dismissed charges of theft and of breach of trust, including in relation to a club-owned Land Rover Defender that had been lent to Tongan breakaway Chris Hala’ufia and allegedly not returned. Being a Land Rover, the vehicle is assumed to be broken-down somewhere.
But Fabre found Elsom had made various payments while the club was experiencing serious financial difficulties “in order to benefit his circle of friends and serve his own interests”.
“At worst, it shows there might be a fragile civil case put against me if [the claims were] correct, but certainly there are no criminal offences here and nothing that I would say was detrimental to the club,” Elsom said. The original article discusses a number of player payments (not repeated here). It was claimed a doctor’s contract had been backdated by six days, but Elsom said: “It is ridiculous to suggest anyone committed forgery by signing on a document that accurately reflected his continuous employment.”
Another transaction brought up in the investigation was payments of €37,503 to a UK-based bar equipment and stock supplier called Beer Clear, for which Tongan international Halaʻufia was a director and for which no service was provided. The deal was to replace Heineken in supplying beer and beer taps at Narbonne’s home ground. According to Elsom, he did not know Halaʻufia was linked to the company but maintained it was entirely legitimate. “I paid the deposit in the agreement [with Beer Clear], which was to supply beer and bar equipment,” he said. “[The club] didn’t honour the agreement, so no goods were provided.”
Fabre determined that Elsom had “indirectly benefited” from a payment of $149,480, or about €100,000, transferred in July 2016 to Elke Elbow, an Australian company trust registered in Elsom’s name. Rouan, the club auditor, said there had been no service provided and the investigating magistrate noted that a study of tax invoices from Elke Elbow did not itemise products or services.
Elsom told this masthead earlier this month that funds were sent to the company to hire Australian-based support staff such as a strength-and-conditioning coach and analysts on a part-time basis, with the arrangement approved by the board and announced in 2012. According to Elsom, he was never obliged to itemise services provided by Elke Elbow, which could receive up to €15,000 per month.
(This extract edited for brevity. See the original article for a better sense of the matter.)
Itoje seeks wins not personal records
Rugby365 reports that Maro Itoje may be set to exceed World Cup-winning captain Martin Johnson’s tally of 84 England caps against New Zealand at Twickenham on Saturday, but he also wants to match his fellow lock’s trophy haul as well. For 29-year-old Itoje, a member of the England side beaten by South Africa in the 2019 final in Japan and the semi-final in France last year, team glory matters more than individual honours.
“The big thing is not just about racking up caps, racking up appearances for England,” Itoje told reporters. “What Martin Johnson did was win.” “He won Six Nations, big games against Southern Hemisphere teams.” England were twice defeated by the All Blacks during a two-Test tour of New Zealand in July, going down 15-16 and 17-24.
The Saracens star is confident England’s squad morale will be maintained despite the decision to award a limited number of enhanced player contracts. Itoje is one of 17 players who now have a fixed deal worth some £160,000 per year as part of a new agreement between England’s governing Rugby Football Union and the ten Premiership clubs. It also allows England coach Steve Borthwick to have the last word on all medical matters relating to those players, including the timing of any surgery they may require.
Eddie Jones dresses as himself for Halloween
Japanese children and adults alike were terrified by the sight of Eddie Jones on 31 October.
Little Junichi Satō told Green & Gold Rugby’s Japan correspondent that his fun evening of skeletons, ghosts and witches was brought to a frightening end when the 64-year-old Tasmanian was spotted out and about. エディがナンセンスなことを言って代表チームをダメにしてしまったらどうする？ said Junichi. ゾンビ映画は好きなんですが、これはやりすぎでした.
