Hoss had to hand over the Friday’s Rugby News keys due to a medical emergency. Not to worry. At the time of writing, Hoss is lying on his belly in the recovery ward, texting me his game tips after a successful extraction.
Let this be a warning for any of us tempted to change a bathroom light bulb by standing on a rickety chair while kitchen condiment bottles are on the floor. I hope the experience hasn’t permanently put you off Worcestershire sauce, mate.
Weekend Games
See all team news in Happy’s Thursday News.
Women – Friday 12 April 5:05 pm AEST – NSW Waratahs v Queensland Reds, Allianz Stadium, Sydney
Hoss’ tip: “The Tah women have won four from four so far, so they are overdue for a slip-up. That’s just basic probability and statistics for you. I only did Maths ‘A’, so I have an excellent grasp at the basic level. Reds by five.”
Men – Friday 5:05 pm AEST – Moana Pasifika v Queensland Reds at Semenoff Stadium, Whangarei
Hoss’ tip: “That’s the name of the stadium and town? Seriously? Is this a Carry-On movie? That aside, New Zealand is the natural centre of the Pacific, that’s why NZ are entitled to all those Pacific Island players. Moana are at home so they are going to smash the Reds on Friday night by two converted tries.”
Men – Friday 7:35 pm AEST – NSW Waratahs v Crusaders, Allianz Stadium, Sydney
Hoss’ tip: “Speaking of statistics, after five losses on the trot, the Tahs are a certainty to turn that around this weekend. Just quietly, it’s not an “injury crisis” at the Waratahs, we’ve just borrowed from the AFL Brains Trust to strategically rest a few players if you know what I mean. Tahs by fifty.”
Women – Saturday 13 April 2:35 pm AEST – ACT Brumbies v Western Force, Viking Park, Canberra
Hoss’ tip: “You know my thoughts on women in Canberra. If you look really closely at the news footage you can see me in the crowd near that “Ditch the Witch” sign at the 2011 Parliament House rally. What was the question again? Oh yeah, Force by 3. They’ll lift away from Perth. Too many local breweries is no good for performance. Somewhere like Canberra with bugger-all to do will help the Force focus.”
Women – Saturday 13 April 5:05 pm AEST – Melbourne Rebels v Fijian Drua , AAMI Park, Melbourne
Hoss’ tip: “Rebels are none for four, so that dam is 100% going to burst this weekend. No need for 617 Squadron. Plus someone in the Melbourne stadium will probably shout-out some crook shit. They’re all like that down there. The cultural superiority they claim to have over the rest of us is just cover for a bunch of wrong-uns. Even the best Drua player can’t defend against tries AND drag some scarf-wearing ‘flog’ (to use the Melbourne expression) out of the stands and onto the field for a bashing. Rebels by ten.”
Men – Saturday 13 April 5:05 pm AEST – Hurricanes v Chiefs, Sky Stadium, Wellington
Hoss’ tip: “Damian McKenzie is holding the Chiefs back. Normally I’d tip the Hurricanes to lose based on my statistical genius (see above), but the Chiefs’ Saturday line-up is as useless as a screen door on a bull. Canes by eight.”
Men – Saturday 7:35 pm AEST – Melbourne Rebels v Highlanders at AAMI Park, Melbourne
Hoss’ tip: “The Highlanders, being Scottish, will be confused by Andrew Kellaway’s red hair and probably pass him the ball or something (in between the Highlanders’ water-carriers running on with deep-fried offal and heroin). Rebels by seven.”
Reds embrace ‘Goatee Week’
Here at G&GR we stop at nothing to bring the hard-hitting investigative journalism, regardless of the personal cost. Our tireless investigation has revealed that the Reds’ annual Goatee Week has produced some impressive growths with Zane Nonggorr a clear winner.
“We’re all keeping it. You would’ve seen Zane Nonggorr’s come through this week,” Wright told media on Thursday. “He’s won by a country mile but a lot of the guys have got around it and some staff too. It’s a fun week and it’s just a way to keep building that culture and connection … and show it visibly. It’s never fun going into a bye after two losses. We made a big point of recognising we’ve only been under these coaches and Les for a short time now so the things we’re building will still build over this next period.”
The Reds-Moana clash launches a four-week campaign against NZ opponents and looms a litmus test for Queensland, who sit 3-3 despite their promising start to the season.
Reds lock Ryan Smith will earn his 50th Super Rugby cap in the MP game. “Smitty’s 50th is a big week for us. He brings a lot of energy to the team, he’s come through all the grades, done all the hard work and he’s been a grafter for us.”. There’s nothing more “Queensland” than graft. “Tough year last year with his shoulder but he battled through for us and I think he’s shown the real(ly) good footy he can play this year.” Wright said.
Nawaqanitawase out of Tahs squad
Nine reports that Tah coach Darren Coleman is experimenting with moving Marky Mark to Left-Right-Out. The athletic Wallabies winger was one of Australia’s best performers last year (a year not worth dwelling on) and will join the NRL’s Sydney Roosters on a two year deal from 2025. But the 23-year-old has struggled to make an impact for the Tahs this year and is yet to score a try after seven rounds of Super Rugby Pacific.
Wahlberg has been replaced by Triston Reilly for Friday’s Crusaders game, with the bench making other arrangements for bum-warmth. “Triston deserves his chance,” Coleman said. “We all saw what he did against the Crusaders last time. He missed out for a couple of weeks there, but he took it in the right way. He went back and worked hard on his game, stayed positive and played really well for Randwick on the weekend in the Shute Shield. His effort areas like kick chase and defence are really strong and I’m looking forward to what he can provide us this weekend.”
At time of publication, the Waratahs’ Media Unit haven’t answered G&GR’s question about whether Triston Reilly has trained well. Reilly is a former Australian sevens flier who played three NRL games for the Wests Tigers last season before returning to rugby.
“He’s been very active and probably deserves to be out there,” All Blacks great “Army Degrees” Muliaina said. “I tend to agree it’s that time of the year when you start to look at your top players and think ‘well, are they starting to plateau?’ And Nawaqanitawase probably has. Reilly is enthusiastic, he wants to look for work.”
NFL training a piece of piss compared to Rugby
PlanetRugby reports that Welsh test player and Seppo-football recruit Louis Rees-Zammit admits he’s “never done anything as hard” as Wales’ preparations for the 2023 Rugby Word Cup in France.
Warren Gatland’s pre-global tournament training camps have become famed for their brutality and Rees-Zammit experienced his first one in 2023. The 23-year-old went on to make his World Cup debut, scoring five tries as Wales reached the quarter-finals before being ousted by Argentina. Rees-Zammit has since departed rugby, taking up gridiron and joining the Kansas City Chiefs via the NFL’s international pathway program.
The Welshman has revealed the differences between the two types of training, with football’s anaerobic nature very much suiting the Northern-hemisphere sheep-botherer. “The difference is it’s more explosive, you’re not doing long endurance testing and training. It’s all about explosive power and speed; short, sharp kind of stuff, so it’s perfect for me!” he said. “I found it easier than the World Cup training camp because it suits me. I’m more explosive, I’m all about speed; short, sharp intervals as opposed to constantly running up and down the pitch.”
Lawrence Dallaglio charity work
PlanetRugby has this item about ex England captain Lawrence Dallaglio’s charity work to improve the lives of kids, aged 14 to 17, excluded from mainstream education.
“It’s an area no-one really knows much about because they don’t want to,” says Dallaglio. “It’s so dark, so bad and so broken that it’s very hard to fix. Actually, it’s not that hard, people just ignore it.” He says he could not do that, partly because he knew how far a little help got him at that age. “Everyone advised me not to go near it because it’s tough, but that was a red rag to a bull,” he laughs. “I don’t mind a bit of pain to get where I want to get.”
Dallaglio contends that no young person is born bad, “just born into different circumstances”.
The mission of his charity is to improve the odds for those disadvantaged. Using rugby as a hook, it works to ensure kids excluded from school are not excluded from society.
“…delivering our programme with an 85% success rate gives me enormous pride. We’re not an after-schools club,” he points out. “Our programme is built into the curriculum. We are there every week because what these young people don’t need are people who turn up just once then leave. They’ve had that all their lives, which is why they are where they are.”
On average 102 young people every week are excluded from school. The lifetime cost to the state of permanently excluding one person is estimated to be £370,000.
“The trend is that these kids get excluded and end up in a pupil referral unit where their chances of any degree of success are almost non-existent,” says Dallaglio. “The drop-off goes from 64% getting five GCSEs or more in mainstream education to 4% among those excluded. Even worse, 63% end up in prison where 66% go on to re-offend because the prison system is completely bust. The majority, if not all of the young kids the charity works with, are born into chaos,” he adds. “They might have no parents or bad parents, be around drug abuse, violent abuse or generational unemployment. Quite a lot of them are primary carers in their own home. What they need is help and that’s where we come in. What rugby does is recognise difference. Actually, it celebrates difference, brings different people together. Some of our alumni actually work for us now.”
For now, in what is an ultra-competitive charity sector, Dallaglio RugbyWorks needs to find £1.7 million a year to deliver its programme. Which is why its founder is bound for Rome, ready to lead a 100-strong group, including his World Cup captain Martin Johnson, on the gruelling 900-mile Dallaglio Cycle Slam ride.
