Greetings earthlings and welcome to another instalment of Friday’s Rugby News, your rugby happy place. Cast aside the yolk of despair and come with me on a rugby adventure.
We kick off today looking for a place to shelter with ‘Unfriendly Fire’. Preview the round before the penultimate one of SRP in ‘Let’s get physical’. We look to foster bilateral relations with ‘Seppos can: Fukofuka’. Before slamming the door shut on another rugby week with a booming ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, so big, so audacious, so bulging, I probably should be given my own exclusive jet.
Unfriendly Fire.
When it comes to making the Wallabies squad to face the Lions, it seems all is fair in love and war. It also appears that the term ‘team mates’ is more a loosely applied concept rather then a rigid belief system at the Tahs. Just ask the Ginger Ninja himself, Andrew Kellaway. Because when it comes to a gold jersey in July, it’s each to their own and any overpaid cross-code pretty-boy had better beware.
It’s common knowledge Gaggers that there are three absolute certainties in life:
- Death
- Taxes
- Nurses &
- You should never trust a ginger.
And so it was that Caitlyn Jenner learnt the fourth of these three lessons last week. With malice aforethought and darkness in his heart, his own team mate, a fellow blue brother, a comrade in arms, The Ginger Ninja, saw an opportunity and with ruthless ambition deployed a ready, fire, aim approach and JAS was left much like the Tahs season, listless and prone on the sodden Sydney turf.
But never fear Wallaby fans, for the news isn’t completely bad. JAS was spotted back in the Tahs gym on Thursday maintaining his fitness routine. Indeed coach Chuckles McKellar even telling rugby.com.au : “It’s nothing major. It’s just a disappointing setback from a Waratahs perspective, but he won’t be missing any Test matches or anything like that,”
From the heart of darkness some light doth break through. And JAS, a word if I might. Should the Ginger Ninja offer to break bread with you over a mushroom dish, best leave it alone.
Let’s get physical.
The pointy end of the season is upon us and with the revised 11 team competition all sides are still a mathematical chance of making the six. Sure, some sides are a slim chance at best, but even Yowie got married. So no matter how incalculable the odds, miracles do happen. Catch all the team news in Happy’s Thursday News.
Friday May 16 5:05 pm AEST – Hurricanes v Highlanders at SKY Stadium, Wellington, Stan Sport
Hurricanes 6th: 26 points. Highlanders 10th: 18 points
It hasn’t been the Highlanders year, but they’ve been so close. A 3-8 return from 11 games would appear a poor record. But they have the second most bonus points (6) in the comp and a for & against of just -66, at a touch over 8 points per game for those lost.
However, it’s the Canes who have most to play for and are in strong form leading into this one and will be too strong for the Dunedin side.
Fearless Prediction: Canes by 17
Friday May 16 7:35 pm AEST – NSW Waratahs v Crusaders at Allianz Stadium, Sydney, Stan Sport
NSW Waratahs 8th: 22 points. Crusaders 3rd: 37 points.
Why wouldn’t the Tahs be confident in this one! Playing against their 2024 bunnies and a side coached by a bloke who could never win in Sydney, even when he coached. The Dark Lords will also be without Scott Barrett, Fletcher Newell, Ethan Blackadder and Will Jordan, to name a few.
The match will also be the last home game for a host of departing Tahs. With Clubba Langi, Rob Leota, Julian ‘Slicer’ Heaven, Felex Kapalu and surprisingly (didn’t know about this one) Mahe Vailanu, all departing at season’s end (after we appear in the SRP final). The Tahs are largely settled with only JAS missing from last week’s side. His spot’s taken by Darby Lancaster.
For the Tahs to be any hope at all of making the six, they must win and secure an elusive bonus point. On that last point alone, the Tahs are last in the entire competition for BPs with a miserly 2 BPs accrued. Indeed even the last placed Drua have more BPs with 3. When the dust settles at season’s end I reckon those in Tahland might want to reconsider the importance of both winning and racking up a few more BPs along the way.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 9 and a BP in the bag.
Saturday May 17 2:35 pm AEST – Fijian Drua v Western Force at Churchill Park, Lautoka, on Stan Sport
Drua 11th: 15 points. Force 9th: 22 points
The Force are in an almost identical position as the Tahs in terms of their season, but with one fewer game to play due to a pending bye in coming rounds. Which simply means, to be any chance they cannot drop a game and ideally also must secure a BP in their last two games as well.
The Force have played 12 games to the Tahs 11 and have a 4W, 1D & 7L record, yet also 4 bonus points and are ninth simply through a poorer F&A than the Tahs. While the Drua are a mathematical chance, they don’t really as their form and inconsistency has cost them dearly this year.
Saturday will be 29 degrees and 70% humidity expected in Lautoka, and with their season almost shot one wonders how ‘invested’ their players will be for this one. Although injuries to some of the Force’s best, like: Nick ‘Cement’ de Crespigny , Vaiolini Ekuasi, Marley Pearce, Dylan Pietsch and The Bulldog Tizzano all missing, could see this game be a close run thing. One thing’s for sure, the loser’s season will be officially over.
Fearless Prediction: The Force by 10 to beat a distracted and perhaps disheartened Drua.
Saturday May 17 5:05 pm AEST – Moana Pasifika v Blues at North Harbour Stadium, Auckland, on Stan Sport
MP 7th spot: 24 points. Blues 5th spot: 27 points
I reckon I could name five sides in the top six keen to see MP roll the Blues this weekend. Certainly a Blues loss (and depending other results) see them drop to around 6th spot. Equally a MP victory will see them jump to around 5th on the ladder.
It really is the little brother in MP trying to stick it to their big brother Blues in this one. And for those of you with a history of brotherly spats, you all know just how tenacious little brothers can be. And in Ardie Savea as their talismanic leader, you just know they MP side are going to be right in the fight.
But, however maligned the Blues have been these season they are now in the top 6. They’ll have other sides looking over their shoulder and man for man and especially bench against bench they appear just much too strong.
Fearless Prediction: Blues by 32.
Saturday May 17 7:35 pm AEST – ACT Brumbies v Queensland Reds, on Stan Sport and the Nine Network
Brumbies 2nd spot: 39 points. Reds 4th spot: 32 points.
Match of the round and potentially the chance for the Brumbies to go top of the heap and into #1 spot. That’s right, a win of any sort will see the Ponies leapfrog the Chiefs on 41 points, who have the bye this weekend. Alternatively, a loss for the Reds will see them either hold 4th spot or slip to no worse than 5th (depending on the size of the Blues win).
A few barbs flying earlier this week with breakout Brumbies player and Brisbane-raised Tuaina Taii Tualima, questioning the Reds physicality. I don’t know about that, but I would say that the Reds have been a tad lucky so far this season. Now sure, good sides create their own luck, but unless the Reds can take James Doleman with them for every game, sooner or later their gonna get found out by more physical sides. Just like they should’ve been last week late in the game, when Doleman shirted the big calls, when the Reds scrum continued to be obliterated by the Tahs. Yet the Tahs got SFA pay for their efforts. Protected species indeed, Dan M. But I digress.
One thing’s for sure, the injury gods didn’t not smile on the Reds for this one with three new additions to their bulging infirmary ward: Salakai-Loto, Sleepy Lynagh and Seru Uru joining a list that already contained Dirty Harry, Liam Wright, Alex Hodgman, Josh Flook, Matt Faessler and Isaac Henry to name a few.
The Western Force certainly did the Reds some favours last week by bashing the Ponies in D, but the Ponies switched to ‘finals footy mode’ a few weeks back. Ruthlessly efficient in the forwards, complemented with flair and pace out wide to land the killer blow. And to be frank, I think Bernie Larkham will unveil a rugby rope-a-dope this weekend: invite the Reds to try and go around them, then isolate them and pick them off one by one before punishing the Reds straight up the eye-diddle-diddle. And wouldn’t being comprehensively out-thought, out-coached and out-scored make for some interesting Wallaby coaching discussions?
Fearless Prediction: Brumbies by 19. All hail #1.
Seppos can: Fukofuka.
Sat urday 17th May. Wallaroos v Seppos. Canberra GIO Stadium. 4.30pm on STAN.
The rugby side from the rootin’, shootin’ and Costco lootin’ nation of Trumpville has arrived on our shores, to face the Wallaroos. And the Seppos wonderfully named coach Sione Fukofuka (hopefully pronounced as it’s spelt) reckons they’re a real chance. Especially as they rolled an underwhelming Wallaroos in the corresponding match last year. I would, however, suggest the Wallaroos of 2025 are made of much sterner stuff then of the early-mid 2024 side.
The Eagles land on our shores fresh from a first up win against the Canucks in Kansas City last week and in front of a record crowd at that. And this fixture has extra significance with the Wallaroos and Eagles set to meet again in the same pool at this year’s RWC.
The Yanks have global rugby superstar, Ilona Maher, starting in the centres. Maher has approx. 4.9 million followers on Instagram and apparently that’s a pretty big deal. I for one am so glad to live in a world where the currency of ‘followers’ passes for far more than anything tangible, of real substance. Say, like the curing of diseases, the ending of conflicts, saving the environment, or the general advancement of the species. But I guess photographing your food, espousing ‘wellness’ techniques and quoting philosophy from Hallmark cards is really-really helpful as well.
The Wallaroos welcome back Caitlyn Halse at fullback and with Waratah loose forward, 18yo Ruby Anderson set to debut from the bench as well. Yapp has made three other changes to the starting side from the side that lost 38-12 last weekend, with loosehead prop Bree-Anna Browne and hooker Tania Naden joining Eva Karpani in the front-row. Ash Masters gets the start in place of Emily Chancellor.
If you’re in Canberra why not head down and support the Wallaroos and Eagles sides. The match is part of a double header at GIO Stadium, preceding the Brumbies belting the Reds later on.
Fearless Prediction: Wallaroos by 16. Go you good things.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Irish maths puzzle.
It seems Oirish maths leaves a bit to be desired, with seven into fifteen = -$34,000,000 USD (United States Dollars, also known in China as ‘imperialist arse-wiping paper’)
The IRFU, which is Gaelic for the ‘Rugby Federation of Oirland’, has announced the axing of its men’s 7s program entirely, claiming ‘men’s sevens programme doesn’t serve as a meaningful development pathway for the 15-a-side game’. And that may very well be true, but just how much were they paying them? stuff.co.nz has more.
Stan and the St Joe show.
If any doubt existed about the selection of overseas bound players for the Wallabies, may I invite you to watch last Mondays Between 2 Posts on Stan. Grimace, The Peacock and The Void had St Joe on the program for an engaging 20 minute interview. Joe was his usual open and honest self and made it crystal that unless there was a quantum gap between a player committed to Oz and one bound for overseas, the Australian based player would get the jersey. Simples.
Lancaster bombs RA.
So you’ve just been ‘released’ from your French club. Your last national coach gig ended up as a record breaker, being knocked out in the pool stages of your own World Cup and then you get humpty about missing out on the Wallabies gig? Then for good measure, you torch the bridge once you’ve reached the other side. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Stuart Lancaster via planetrugby.com
Add more niggle.
Kiwi citizen of the year and lovable rogue Reiko Ioane, reckons rugby needs more ‘spats’ just like the one he had with Johnny Sexton in the 23 RWC semi. Many might recall that Johnny Sexton, which in a strange twist is ancient Gaelic for ‘European Reiko’, was given a send off at full time by Ioane who reportedly said to him ‘Injoy your retirement, you c@@@’. And why is all this news again? Well, Ioane is off at end of SRP for a 12 month sabbatical to, wait for it, Leinster, the former club of one J Sexton.
I thought Ioane’s ‘send off’ was inappropriate and factually incorrect at that time. As technically Sexton was not retired just yet. As for the character assessment? Well.
So simple a Kiwi could follow it.
Wondering how the finals format of SRP will work. Here’s a dumbed down version that even a sheep shagger could follow. stuff.co.nz has more.
Girls just wanna ruin fun.
Great news for three of our female match officials with Ella Goldsmith, Jess Ling and Dr Rachel Horton all being named to officiate in this year’s RWC up north. Goldsmith is one of 10 refs appointed to the tournament, with Ling and Horton to serve as ARs or TMOs.
rugby.com.au reports that Goldsmith’s ascension has been swift since officiating her first test in 2023. Jess Ling at just 22yo is the youngest MO at the RWC, Dr Horton, who specialises in hearing Hoo’s, rounding out the group. Dr Horton’s CV is actually rather impressive: Born in England (nobodies perfect) holds a PhD in immunology and for spits and giggles, completed a tour of Iraq as a Captain in the British Army.
On behalf of all at G&GR, well done to all three and we hope you enjoy the experience.
Rugby: picking the fat kids since 1823?
Not in NZ they don’t. What happened to the game ‘for all shapes and sizes’? stuff.co.nz has the story.
Seeing Red?
Just ask Justin Marshall on planetrugby.com although he does have a point. Apparently the Lions series will not include the 20 minute red card law.
There’s a bear in there?
A few whispers around media sites that 6 cap Wallaby and likely Lions combatant Billy Pollard, might be eyeing off a switch to Gaol Ball with the new far western North Sydney Bears, in Perth. Of course, with the Bears needing to find 70 athletes by 2027 to be ready for any matches, anybody who’s ever been anywhere near a rugby ball will no doubt be floated in the media as a ‘possible, likely, certain’ starter for the new franchise.
Me, I think the challenge they face with recruitment lies in just one word: Perth. Yuck.
Parling pings off.
News yesterday that Wallabies assistant coach Geoff Parling will depart as coach at the end of the Lions series and instead take up the vacated head coaching role at Leicester, when Michael Cheika heads back here to take over at the Reds (you know it’s going to happen).
Many on here may also forget that Parling will be the first ever former Lions player to then coach against the Lions side, when the sides meet soon. He seems a genuinely decent human and we wish him well on his head coaching journey. And welcome back home Cheik. The Reds need you to fix that soft underbelly of theirs.
Until next week. Go the Tahs
Hoss – out.
