Well, trust Scotland to make people depressed! But never fear people, Friday’s Rugby News is here to resurrect hope in the darkness, to turn fiction into fact and to help you find a way through the mundane quagmire at the end of your working week.
Today we kickoff with a quick recap of last week’s abomination with ‘Grand Sham’. Dive deeper into the subtext of this week’s test in ‘Pluck off the Oirish?’. Preview the actual match in ‘He’s our Joe, too!’ Watch from a distance as the Poxy Isles implodes with ‘A Fraction too much Friction?’. Before signing off on the international season in ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, credited by the government in helping turn people off the internet. You’re welcome, Albo.
Grand Sham.
Ok, so it’s all been said. But not by me. I though RAWF’s excellent player ratings on Tuesday were spot on. Overall I think the team was a 5.5. I mean the game was there to win, until Joe Dirt, pulled out a 7 iron and found the water on Amen Corner, like another Coinslander with a shocking haircut in the 80s did. And then it was goodnight nurse.
To be fair the origins of the loss started approx. 6 seconds into the match. It wasn’t the shanked kick-off by Lolesio, it was the absolutely disgraceful body language immediately after it. Don’t believe me, go back and watch. The backs seemed annoyed and pre-occupied and more interested in the niggle than the result. Their whole attitude stunk. In fact, I was interested to read 7As comments post game, along the lines of: ‘we are really disappointed. We thought the Grand Slam was a real chance’.
Now call me cynical, but does that sound like a team entirely focused on executing on their skills and game plan against Scotland before marching on? Or a team already picturing sinking pints at fulltime in Dublin? Maybe the ‘testy’ attitude of the backs (in particular) was because they had collectively pre-ordained the Scots unworthy of their efforts and simply a speed bump on the highway to history?
The Scots are the Argentinians of the UK. Not just because they, too, surrendered to England (again and again and again), but because they love to make the game a scrap, a junkyard brawl. The rucks and mauls are like watching a bulldog eating porridge, except now they have perhaps the most sublimely skilled 10 in the world and take advantage of the chaos his forwards have caused as well as unleashing a fairly handy 11-15 who will carve you up as well.
Perhaps the greatest pain of the Wallaby attitude and performance and loss last week is yet to be felt? Imagine if they beat Ireland; how much will the poor attitude, the poor execution and poor discipline that lead to the Scottish loss haunt them?
Grand Sham indeed.
Pluck off the Oirish?
Talk about plots, sub-plots and whatever comes after sub-plots, Liberal leadership spills? This week’s match against the Oirish has more layers than the lead paint in my Nan’s kitchen. Obviously you have the two teams, that’s the boring part, but a scratch a little beneath the surface an you’ll also find:
Master v Grasshopper
In the gold corner. You can’t help but absorb this week that in Oirland, St Joe is more popular than Guinness and that Jewish guy who had the gap year that ended badly when he upset the Romans, Brian something. St Joe was the much loved and respected Irish coach from 2013-2019 and oversaw the transformation of the side to world #1, including a first ever win against NZ, multiple 6N titles, a Grand Slam in 2018 and then their first ever win against NZ in Ireland. This all culminated with him winning World Coach of The Year in 2018. Fair Emerald rugby CV, wouldn’t you say?
In the green corner. Mr Andy Farrell. The most popular Englishman in Oirland since, well, since ever. It could be reasonably argued that Farrell not only inherited a very good side, but has perhaps improved it as well. Although one could say that the trajectory has maybe started to tip the other way of late. Either way, they’re a formidable and world class rugby outfit. And the clash of the coaches is one to luxuriate over.
Munster Master. It’s not entirely widely known, but Lord Laurie Fisher played no small part in turning Munster into an Irish jersey production line there for a while. In fact, Fisher’s Munster claimed a Magners League and two Heineken Cups during his tenure as forwards coach
Data Porn. Another from the Irish camp turned Wallaby analyst is Eoin Toolan (pronounced ‘Eoin’). With St Joe renowned for being pedantic about the detail, one might understand if Mr Toolan was not perhaps the business man in camp and, maybe, the most unpopular among players.
Rugby Whisperers. In all of this, let’s not forget the current head of High Performance at RA is Peter Horne, who played no small part in building the successful structures in Ireland. Let alone David ‘Julius Caesar (‘et tu Brumbies’) Nucifora also acting as a consultant when required. Green fingerprints everywhere across RA.
Splitters. Of course, every good story needs a villain and in twin Canberrans, Mack Hansen and Finlay Bealham, us Wallaby fans have two splitters to curse and rage against. At least until full time and then they’re our boys again.
It’s kinda interesting; for me Hansen seemed only ever a benchy in SR. He wasn’t entirely useless in a Melbourne Rebels/Western Force player type way, just I never saw in him the player he would and has become. As for Bealham, he left for the Emerald Isle straight outta high school, so good luck to him. I hope Mack drops plenty of ball and has nightmares after fulltime at what Caitlyn Jenner will do to him. As for Mr Bealham, one hopes he’ll need mouth wash to get the taste of his own anus out as our front row shoves his heads backwards through his body. But only until full time, I’m not that vindictive.
Lions Aperitif. Of course in all of this, it’s the last international outings for the gold coaches and players before the 2025 FUKIRs tour. The Lions, no doubt, will be largely Irish, playing a largely Irish brand of rugby. And standing in their way, the most successful Irish coach of all time, in charge of the Wallabies lying in wait. Prepared, analysed and one can only believe, with more than a few tricks up his sleeve.
Everywhere you look there’s context and a story behind the story and I simply cannot wait to immerse myself in this thrilling fixture. It seems we have plucked off the Irish indeed. And in more ways then one.
He’s our Joe, too!
Ireland v Australia. Aviva Stadium. Sunday 1.30am AEDT on STAN.
It’s all been said really, all that’s left is 80 minutes of the brutal ballet that’s this thing we call rugby union (don’t know how you say this stuff Goog. Even typing it I feel like a complete wanker!). Last game of the year, players can empty their tanks with long end of season breaks and sandy beaches beckoning.
For what it’s worth, I expect a high octane, expansive and thrilling fixture and am tipping 60+ total points to be scored. Sure, there’ll be a loser, but I reckon there’ll be some rather contented rugby fans at fulltime. Can’t wait.
Ireland (15-1): Hugo Keenan; Mack Hansen, Robbie Henshaw, Bundee Aki, James Lowe; Sam Prendergast, Jamison Gibson-Park; Caelan Doris (capt), Josh van der Flier, Tadhg Beirne; James Ryan, Joe McCarthy; Finlay Bealham, Ronan Kelleher, Andrew Porter
Replacements: Gus McCarthy, Cian Healy, Tom O’Toole, Iain Henderson, Peter O’Mahony, Craig Casey, Jack Crowley, Garry Ringrose
WALLABIES (15-1): Tom Wright; Andrew Kellaway, Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii, Len Ikitau, Max Jorgensen; Noah Lolesio, Jake Gordon; Harry Wilson (capt), Fraser McReight, Rob Valetini; Jeremy Williams, Nick Frost; Taniela Tupou, Brandon Paenga-Amosa, James Slipper
Replacements: Billy Pollard, Angus Bell, Allan Alaalatoa, Lukhan Salakaia-Loto, Langi Gleeson, Tate McDermott, Tane Edmed, Harry Potter
Fearless Prediction: A Wallabies win will see anticipation for the 2025 BIL soar and be great for rugby in Oz in general. So it’s Wallabies by 4 (35-31). For the good of the game of course. You’re welcome, rugby union.
Match Officials: Referee: Oh goody, European officials everywhere (and one Pom).
Referee: Andrea Piardi (FIR) Assistant Referee 1: Nika Amashukeli (GRU)
Assistant Referee 2: Gianluca Gnecchi (FIR) TMO: Eric Gauzins (FFR) FPRO: Ian Tempest (RFU)
A Fraction too much Friction?
To paraphrase Shakespeare’s introverted mummy’s boy, There’s something fushy within the state of NZ rugby.
News this week that the senior leadership group within the squad were none too pleased with the Razor Gang and their lenient treatment of the Joker himself, Damien McKenzie, for what appears to be a rather serious breach of team protocols.
When news of the breach first broke around August that the Joker had missed a team bus to LAX for their flight home after the test against Fiji in San Diego, I didn’t give it much credence. Indeed, when the article said he’d been found in his hotel room trapped beneath a few hookers, I initially thought ‘good on him for some extra practice after hours’. The traits of a selfless team man. Going above and beyond in his quest for excellence. Maybe they were talking tactics, techniques, or working on a game plan or two. But now I’m wondering if I misunderstood said article?
The revelation this week on planetrugby.com instead has the Joker scarpering 200km in an Uber to LAX, just to make the flight home. And his punishment from those in charge? Why the starting #10 jersey for the RC a week or two later, that’s what! And that, it would seem, has caused a fissure in the ABs camp. At least among senior members, with the report stating some are ‘angry & disillusioned‘.
We’ve all heard that tired ol’ chestnut that ‘good people make good ABs’ (HTF do you explain Reiko Ioane then – huh?). Well, it would seem there’re exceptions to the AB rule of law when the starting #10’s involved huh? Then team values, principles, rules, history and culture go flying out the window. With no Princess Mo’unga it would seem the starting #10 can shag the team manager’s daughter during the Haka and Razor and his gang would clip his toe nails for him while he was at it.
I get young, healthy, vigorous athletes, are going to have appetites and mishaps that young, healthy, vigorous people do. I mean, I’d give my last good cajone to have one last such experience (but the chances of Mrs Hoss getting it out of the jar on her bedside dresser makes those chances slim to nuttin’). But when you’re the starting #10 of the ABs, hell any union player with the chance of being an AB and you are charged with upholding the history and deeds performed in the name of that revered formerly nearly all black, now largely white jersey, then is it too much to ask that you rise and shine in time to catch a bus?
No wonder the leaders are pissed off. But I’d love to also hear how Ethan de Groot feels right now? For if the bar is set so low for D-Mac, yet de Groot’s offences were so egregious he had to sit out a number of fixtures, just how many goats were involved and just how ugly were they?
A quick word of wisdom to Razor and a useful reminder: A fush allwees ruts frum the hid dun.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Leadership Gamble.
The Tahs leave our shores for a trial game against the Kubota Fax Machine Ink Refill Spears Friday, 29 November (no coverage), with Charlie Gamble named as one of the co-captains for the tour. By his own admission Gamble was a notch or two off his 2023 form in 24 and hopes to remind Wallaby selectors during 2025, so he might challenge the incumbent Wallaby 7s, 4N20 and The Pitbull.
The game will be the first trial under new coach Chuckles McKellar and see a host of players from a former Melbourne side (sounds vaguely familiar) get a run in the fabled sky blue. For a change, right now I’ll make no grandiose forecasts for the Tahs 2025 season. That comes in early Feb, when they will be pronounced as 2025 SRP favourites by many an astute rugby judge.
Go the Tahs.
Professor Sonny? No Bull.
In proof that money and fame can buy anything, even a fake education, Sunny Bul Wullyums has been appointed to a senior academic position at Albukhary International University in Malaysia. Sunny Bul will be lecturing in ‘Chull Cuzzy Brew: The Phonetic Mutilation of the English Language’, and ‘How to look good wearing the sleeveless tank-top: Look at my guns on Tik Tok, Media Studies’.
In other news I would also like to congratulate myself for my recent graduation, with honours, from Stanford Merthyr School of Performing Arts with a doctrine in Quantum Journalism and for the successful publication (in hardcover baby fur seal leather no less) of my thesis, ‘Living with Brilliance: The Burden of Success’.
Betty White loves the Scots.
In news to warm the cockles of even the most jaded rugby fan, how good was it to see Betty White present the Hopetoun Cup to Melbourne born, Japanese trained, Scottish captain, Sione Tuipulotu. It’s a sign of how far rugby has come when a Hollywood titan wants to be associated with the game. Lovely to watch. Heartfelt and genuine. Well played SRU for organising and allowing it. One of the great sights of the 2024 rugby year. The SMH has more.
Thieving Mongrels.
In further evidence that the faceless mongrels (big corp) steal all their ideas from the little battlers (G&GR), SRP has announced via their propaganda channel rugby.com.au the start of a 2025 SR Fantasy League. In an agenda item from the G&GR Hansard of minutes two months back we started to develop our own fantasy league. But noooooooo, we’ve been gazumped. Bris and IT guy, I smell infiltration. You can, and should, register for this pale imitation of our planned fantasy league at rugby.youdirtycheatingbastards.com.au
For the last time this year: Go The Wallabies.
Hoss- out.
