Greetings one, greetings all from the Ponderosa.
Today’s news has very much a northern flavour to it, which I believe means sculling a pint of Guinness sprinkled with coal dust on top. So, what you are you waiting for? All aboard the Friday’s Rugby News Express for ‘The North Remembers’. Embrace the global nature of our sport in ‘McWhat?’ Encourage turgidity in ‘Harden Up’. Look at travel advice with ‘France Sucks’. Enjoy yet another FRN exclusive interview* with our Wallaby coach ‘Toe to Toe, with St Joe’. Before laying back in bed spent and lighting a gasper for this week’s ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, inspired by Senator for Bogans, Lidia Thorpe, shining a light on the problem with our electoral voting system.
The North Remembers.
That they are shite at rugby.
Ever since the first World Cup was held in 1825, the north, all of ’em combined, have won a princely sum of one WC crown. One. And that was against a team coached by Voldemort, so it really shouldn’t count. But once again the eyes of the world will descend on the paddocks and village greens as those from the south step forward and reaffirm rugby’s global order. You lot oop north might’ve invented the sport, but we dominate it. Well, the south does anyway.
The northern teams have confirmed their squads for the Autumn Series and can be found at planetrugby.com.au The tour is a tantalising 8.5 sleeps away from kick off when The Minstrels take on The Soap Adverse at Twick Allianz Stadium (no, not that one, the other Allianz) on Sunday, 3 November, 1:10am AEDT. I’ll post the fixture lists and times next week for us down under. Until then autumninternationals.co.uk has all the NH dates and times. Be afraid NH, be very afraid. What odds a Southern Hemisphere clean sweet? Insert spooky music here.
The North will remember alright.
McWhat?
Sione McTuipulotu is living proof we don’t need the Melbourne Rebels. Unless of course you want to lose millions of dollars and achieve NOTHING that is.
Born in Melbourne, went to St Kevin’s College before progressing through the vaunted Melbourne ‘pathways’ program of Melbourne Rising, Rebels, Shizuoka Karaoke Blue Revs, Eastern Suburbs and then scarpering off for his current stint at the Glasgow Warriors. And now? Captain of his adopted homeland, The Haggis Munchers. Thanks for nothing, Melbourne.
Congrats to Sione for a terrific and well-deserved honour. Shame Fiji will spring the upset though. But still, enjoy the occasion and go Mcwell.
Harden Up.
Not only heckling, sorry encouragement, from Mrs Hoss on my birthday (I’d rather get a turtleneck sweater anyway. At least they keep their elasticity), but also the tone of a story at that other site. And for a change, I happen to agree.
The man with the woman’s name over on that site has opined, as I have here, that those in gold must find their inner mongrel if they are any chance of arresting the slide of the past two decades. Yep, for those in the QPRQ, that’s nearly seven years above the current law allowing cousins to marry up there. So, there’s every chance your Coinsland bride is likely to’ve never witnessed the Wallaby glory days, or running water and an inside toilet for that matter. And, possibly, never a dentist.
Now granted my article had its origins over a large steak, cremated over a hickory wood flame, drowned in a JD BBQ glaze (Christmas is coming up if you were wondering what to get me) and washed down with a bourbon or 18. The other guys might’ve contributed during a transcendent moment listening to Orinoco Flow. But I digress. Mongrel should not be confused with meat-headedry or thuggery, but grit, resolve, sting, rugby smarts and staying in the fight.
The large appendage is back in the squad for the NH tour, Kerevi too, an injury free Angus Bell, a fitter Tupou and a dynamic McReight (who would be my captain all day long). Add a world class Sideshow Bob, an abrasive Salakaia-Loto and a growing Dirty Harry and you know what? Our pack don’t look half bad.
I get they won’t scare anyone, but I don’t want them too and we don’t need them too either. What we need is calm, dipped in steely resolve and all on the same page. Sure, a Lachie Swinton/Melon Finegan type #6 would be handy in just unsettling a side. Not by thuggery, but by a physical presence. And accuse me of bias if you like, but I thought Mad Dog Swinton and Flanders Hanigan were outstanding last year for the Tahs. And who knows?, both are based in the NH at the moment if required.
Having seen what time in the saddle did for our Wallaroos, maybe, just maybe, those in gold might harden up, up North. Me, I’ll have to wait till next birthday I guess.
France Sucks!
So says Charlotte Caslick. CC has opened up on the devastating nature of their elimination from the Parasite Olympics. Talking to rugby.com.au, she speaks of the rollercoaster of emotions since then. At times feeling like they’ve been processed and done; at other times, feeling the full brunt of those emotions and starting all over.
I know as a mad fan of our women 7s I felt numb. One dropped ball late in the SF and from that point on, well you know the rest.
With the Scottish tight arses now canning 7s from the Glasgow Commonwealth Little Athletics Carnival in 2026 (thanks again Melbourne #613reasonstohatevictoria), I reckon CC is at the point where I’d love to see her give XVs a red-hot crack, especially for next year’s RWC in the UK. Although there’s some proper talent in the Wallaroos, having someone like CC as mentor and driving standards can’t be a bad thing, can it? Not to mention how good a pair of Levis might be.
Toe to Toe, with St Joe.
Despite his hectic schedule with two squads at multi-state training camps, RA commitments and all else on top of that, our new coach and most favourite Kiwi since Phar Lap, St Joe Schmidt, found time to talk with yours truly before leaving on a jet plane:
H: St Joe, good afternoon and thanks for talking to Friday’s Rugby News. Great to have you with us.
StJ: Huss, ibbsoloot plizzya tu be wuth you. And jist ‘Joe’ is fine.
H: Not falling for that one your rugby eminence. The last time I upset a pious figure like yours I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth for weeks. Let’s jump in at the deep end. Exactly what can Wallaby fans expect from this northern tour?
StJ: Well, we’re gunna giv ut a rid hut crick und wun thu Grinn Slim.
H: Come again?
StJ: A rid hut crick. Ewe know, rull up the slivs and giv ut a go und wun ut ull.
H: By chance, did you and Sunny Brew go to the same school?
StJ: Wot, no. I’m way older and Sonny Brew was siventeen wun he wuz un siccond grade. Slow lunna thut boy.
H: Right. You face Dad’s Army first up at Twickianz Stadium, what would you like to see first up from your boys?
StJ: Will, Owin Ferel using huz arms in a tuckle would be good stut, ay Huss.
H: Good one, Your Holiness.
StJ: I’d rully like tu see some cohesion from our puggies. Hunt uz a pick, rilly unsittle those ageing, fet Poms, so we kin carve um up litter un thu siccond huff. I fill thuz a rill chunce to git un Markiss Smuth’s grill and unsittle him iz wull. Put hum off hiz game a wee but. We rully nid tu dictate tums frum the git-go. Frum thet, we rilly are musters ov our own dominn.
H: How critical is a first up wun, sorry, win for the side?
StJ: Shut Huss, ut’s uvrathung. I minn, uff we wunted tu just drunk worm puss and fruz our tuts off and huv to deal with dumwuts, ud spind a wikkind un Ukklind und not puss abit un Inglind. Bussides, I fuggung ditist curries.
H: Fair nuff. From England, you essentially travel home to the Emerald Isle to face the daunting Oirish. You must have some fond memories of your time there, the friendships you have and the long list of outstanding achievements you racked up as coach.
StJ: Nut rilly Huss. Uff imm brutully honist, I hitted thu place. Jinny Sixton wuz nuthing but a whiney frigging sook. Putta Ohmunny wuz ull tup, but no ussberg. Und uz soon uz we hut thu world cup I knew we wuzz buggudd. Hiss, wiv hud tea bugs stay un a cup longer than an Oirush at thu Wirld Cup.. On tup uv thut, Gunness ibsulootly sux . Virry glid to liv thu joint.
H: So a prediction for the result?
StJ: Us, by thutty.
H: So we’re 2-0 up at this point in quest of a Grand Slam and a chance at writing a history for our code, last achieved by Alan Jones way back in 1984. Has the Jones boy reached out with any advice or tips as yet? Any insights he can give?
StJ: Yup, tu be hunnest, ut wuz a bit cruptuc. He luft a musseg un my phone thit sumply sid, ‘ullways use a private cubucle’. Stull not sure wut thut mins. Although Kuttlee Bill simmed uxcited by the idea.
H: Moving on. Next up it’s the Welsh side, prediction?
StJ: Gloruffide trinning run Huss. 3-0 wuth one tu go. Brung ut on beby.
H: The tour and our grand slam opportunity finishes against the wee Scots. How are you feeling at this point?
StJ: Like unnewun who’s spint time un thut part uv Northern Ingland I giss. Cold, bored, wundurrung wut I dud to dusserve being there. But frum a rugby point, U’d be tuxting Phull und gitting him to pripare the tucker tape purrade. ‘Cuz were bout tu be 4 und 0 beby. Spushully with that fummer Ruble player now their skupper. Bloody Millbun ay.
H: Before we finish up St Joe, your first thoughts on young rookie sensation Caitlyn Jenner and the point of difference he will add?
StJ: Love thut nickname. Fust ind foremost Huss, hiz a Tah, so the quality is girrintid. Siccondly, I can’t bulliv how chip we got him. $1.6 mill uz a still. The cud’s worth twice thut. Un fect, I half fill a but sorry for the NRL. Of wait, no I don’t, stuff the thuving gaol ball bustids.
H: Love the cut of your jib St Joe. From all our readers on here, go well. We have every confidence and can’t wait to watch your team, our team, in action up north.
StJ: Thinks Huss und thinks for all on G&GR for the sipport. Wiv got a bit ov time, you maybe wanna make a confission or two.
H: We don’t have that much time, Joe. Go well.
*chance interview might not have possibly, actually happened.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Touring Japanese.
The Minstrels have a stopover in the karaoke capital of the universe, Nipponville. The Dark Lords who aren’t already in Drab (‘Great’, not so much) Britain will enjoy sushi, sake and smashing of the Brave, but ultimately futile, Blossoms. Love the Nippon players, loathe their coach.
Saturday, 26 October. Japan v NZ. International Stadium, Yokohama. 3:30 AEDT coverage & kick off.
Escorts to leave balls alone.
Finally. stuff.co.nz reports that World Rugby has instructed MOs to crack down on escorts who shield teammates catching high balls (usually from dreaded box kicks). Both the box kick and the escorts are a blight on the game and equally take away from the skill of the kicker and catcher. They also increase the danger for the catcher and the chaser. There are numerous occasions where a bump from an escort has led to a nasty collision, midair, for all contesting parties. More often than not, the challenger getting blamed.
Doris’ Day.
While up north, news from the Oirish camp that backrower Caelan Doris has been named the new skipper. Nathan somebody reports, ‘The Leinster back row, 26, led Ireland in their Six Nations victory over Italy in February and in the win in the second Test against South Africa in July.’ Que sera sera I guess.
Captain, my captain, my captain, my captain, my captain?
Whispers abound that perhaps we are about to see our fifth skipper named under St Joe’s guidance. With initial skipper Liam ‘Wrongaz’ Wright seemingly having a rotten run of bad luck. One might even say, in rugby terms, ‘he killed a person of Mandarin extraction, who identifies as male’ (love live PC Fridays!). Having not recovered from said killing of the Chinaman (PC Fridays were good while they lasted), Wright has been replaced by 7As, Jimmy Slips, Joe Dirt McDermott and now the long standing Dirty Harry Wilson.
For the record, Dirty H has done a fine job. But if the skipper is to be a weekly automatic selection, my standout for long term skipper is Fraser McReight. He is world class, great with match officials, emotionally mature and respected by all. Plus, I love that he’s fat-fit, he’s chunky. For too long we had Pocock and his subliminal fat shaming of people like, well, you all. Then came Lee Majors, the energizer bunny, Hoops, with a body fat index of -14%. Compared to say someone who owns a farm and tips in at 131%.
So, if there’s got to be a change, arise skipper number 5, Fraser McReight. New skipper and new G&GR moniker, ‘Four’N Twenty’ or ‘4N20’ for short. Chunky, but gets the job done every time.
Be Brave.
To quote another Mrs Hossism, men are idiots. Now admittedly she has a pool size of one to draw her data from (although the farm hand seems to be spending more time inside when I’m on the road lately), but perhaps she’s also honest when it comes to men and mental health challenges and our reluctance to discuss it.
Anton Lienert-Brown has opened up, in what must’ve been a difficult yet rewarding discussion with stuff.co.nz, about his own mental health struggles. His story is raw, honest and should be a light in the darkness for those who may also be facing their own challenges. Indeed, if you, or someone you know, need/s to talk, please reach out and start a conversation with those who can help you. You are most certainly not alone.
It’s incumbent on us all to also be better friends and just pick a phone occasionally and say g’day to those in need.
Lost in Translation?
You can catch the English translated version of the interview with St Joe here.
Until next week. Hoss – out.
