Hello lovers. It’s the Friday of Valentine’s week, so give your loved one the gift they truly deserve: the lack of your company and leave them alone for 30 minutes while you enjoy another Friday’s Rugby News.
No rugby to talk about? Don’t you believe it. This week we have dead pets, Mexican rebellions, whingeing Scots and a whooooooole lot more, First up we take a look at SRP in ‘The Parrot is Dead‘. We then journey south of the border to Mexico and ‘Rebels without a Clause’. Check out this weekend’s meaningless games in ‘Trials & Tribulation’. Try having a rational discussion with the Scots in ‘Harden up ya lily kilt wearers!’. You get another exclusive* coach interview in ‘Cut Foote Loose’, and the icing on your rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’ apparently no longer engaged to Albo. I knew he’d break my heart.
The Parrot is Dead.
So said Mr Cleese back then and well might we say the same when talking about the listless, fermenting corpse that is Super Rugby Pacific today. But the real question is: what to do next?
Let’s be honest, we were always going to be infected by the northern financial contagion that gripped English rugby by the short and curlies last year, weren’t we. And here we are in the shadows of 2024 season proper and the once grand dame of Super Rugby now looks like something Craig McLaughlin wouldn’t bother to cross the stage to (allegedly) harass. Stating what’s wrong with SRP is a mug’s game (even Karl can do that), but how to fix it, well therein lies the rub.
So to kick off debate, here’s my exhaustive 64 point plan to fix SRP. You’re welcome RA and yes I would be available to chair the new SRC for an exorbitant annual stipend, plus benefits as I deem fit.
Establish a Super Rugby Commission. Yeah I know this has been mooted already, but it’s not just establishing a SRC, it’s the powers that it must have, the final structure it must implement and the competitions it must oversee. Yes, I typed ‘competitions’:
- Revenue pooling and fair share allocation. The SRC must have the power to negotiate on behalf of all clubs with all broadcast and sponsorship partners (more on this later). Any agreed amounts are to be pooled for the good of the 18 sides and split across all Tier 1 SRPP and Tier 2 SRPC teams. Such a split would be determined by which Tier you played in.
- The SRC would act as one central unit with all revenue split evenly. No more lone wolf central unions doing their own thing and pocketing ‘their coin’. It’s one in, all in. Don’t like it? Then piddle off elsewhere else. It would create an entity based over several large Asian areas, a potential audience north of 100 million, access to global companies (especially Asian-based goliaths) and the attention of some bigger players than Stan (no offence). Maybe like Amazon Streaming as an example.
- Player Draft: The SRC oversees all player draft movements and contracts. The off-season draft would, IMO, be every bit as interesting as the competition and maybe should be overseen by a sub-committee of Abbott, Turnbull and ScoMo for added intrigue, backstabbing, manoeuvring and outright lying. The draft would also have a mid-year transfer window available.
- Competition 1: Consisting of 10 sides, with relegation and promotion as part of the structure. This comp would be the Super Rugby Pacific Premiership or ‘SRPP’ and involve 10 sides: 3 from Oz, 4 from NZ, 1 x Fiji and 2 from Asia with one having to be from Japan, preferably both Asian sides would be Japanese initially. It would involve a regular home and away series, a final series of 5 sides, with the bottom 2 sides at the end of the regular season relegated to the second tier.
- Competition 2: Eight sides : Super Rugby Pacific Championship: 3 x Oz sides (I like the idea of ‘Rebels Pasifika’ as one of the Oz sides and the introduction of a Western Sydney side that can be filled by Georgian, Portuguese or a combined PI players team based in OZ , NZ or Japan), 2 x NZ sides, 1 x Singapore, 1 x Anzac side, 1 x TBA. Again a regular home and away season, no final series, with the top 2 at seasons end going up to the SRPP for season next.
- The Wild Card: At any time during a season a team could play a ‘Wild Card’ meaning double points for the win would be available. However, lose and the double points go to the winning side instead. Adds a bit of mystique, keeps the season well and truly alive, even deeper into the competition.
- The G Word: Not something I thought I would ever suggest, but challenging times means challenging solutions: align with a gambling facility/company. Why should others profit on your product? Are you not at least entitled to some form of profit share, a percentage of the take? I go back to the revenue generation and sharing principles I outlined the SRC must oversee, perhaps gambling income should be another revenue stream considered for the game to grow. I fully accept that there will be integrity concerns and a discussion surrounding the social impact of it. But like it or not, millions already gamble on rugby and the code gets nada for it. It’s worth a conversation at least, however unpalatable that may be.
No doubt there are 618 other points that need expanding on. There’ll be challenges and roadblocks aplenty. But I’d wager this, as a code we’re gonna hate change much less than we’re gonna hate extinction.
This parrot may not be dead after all, maybe it’s just bored stiff from lack of innovation?
Rebel without a clause.
Which brings us to the Rebels financial plight. Last week some whacko on here, Yowie I think, essentially said the Rebs were dead men walking and that the experiment had failed. I would add to that ‘índeed, the experiment has failed’. But as per my above article, are there not other, entirely different experiments to be tried instead?
I must admit, my initial reaction to the Rebels Pasifika idea last week was one of ‘ooh, that actually sounds alright’. I’m not shying away from my comments that in its current form, the Rebels cannot and should not survive. But I would say that if possible, some presence in Melbourne could be maintained until at least season 2026, when the next evolution of SRP and broadcast rights monies arrive.
I understand this is a sad and horrible topic for many, no more so than the players, coaches, staff and loved ones of those involved. Especially so for those laid off this week and those who survived now on ‘4 month contracts only’ (more from the SMH) How do you plan a future for your kids, their education, your career, your wider family, future contracts with utter uncertainty banging on the door? It’s akin to building a house on quicksand, day one might be ok, but day two could be shite.
The economics of this matter make this a simple, but brutal conversation. Rebels 1.0 cannot and should not be resuscitated. But that doesn’t mean there should not be planning and consideration of what an evolution to Rebels 2.0 might look like. Those decisions must be made quickly to stop losing both a vast amount of rugby IP to overseas and give all involved absolute assurance for their futures.
I understand this is a financially fluid situation and there will be discussions and negotiations happening on many fronts between RA and many other parties. But in chaos there is opportunity to reset, recalibrate and redesign something better than what came before.
All involved with the Rebels deserve such an opportunity to be part of the future, whatever that may look like and a marriage with Pasifika seems like a good fit and a drawcard/retention tool for the rugby pathways Melbourne has established.
Whatever happens, decency, respect and empathy dictate that decisions are made in a timely manner for all involved.
Trials & Tribulation.
It’s last chance saloon for sides and players this weekend with all SRP sides having a final hit-out and their last trial before season proper kicks off next week. Players will look to earn a starter’s jersey, coaches will look to embed patterns of play and combinations and make a decision on their XXIII for next week.
For all the above, I was left surprised to see coach Coleman ‘throw off’ the game last week against the Communists, in far western nowhere Queensland last week. Obviously the master coach is setting a canny trap by feeding the confidence of the QPRQ side. It’s the sort of cerebral deep dive the Tahs guru is known for.
All this week’s team news can be found at superrugbypacific.com.au
Harden up ya lily kilt wearers!
Wow, the nation that bought us Mel Gibson in a skirt, a global fast food restaurant chain, a chance to urinate off Hadrian’s wall (admittedly towards York) and centuries of countless meek surrenders to the English, just won’t let it go!
For the record, there is a difference between ‘I rickon it’s doon McHamish, wot do yoo rickon Jimmy’ to ‘actually McHugh, I cannay see it on the groond, ay wush it were doon, bit I just cannay see’.
And it seems World Rugby has given the Scots a large get stuffed too, planetrugby.com has a wee bit more on the matter as well.
I shouldn’t be surprised, though, to quote Scottish folk singers and Mr Magoo love children, the Proclaimers:
‘When I’m whingen’ well, you know I’m gunna be,
I’m gunna be the man who’s whingen’ next to you‘
Perhaps I’m being too harsh on the Scots and the last word should go the next and returning POTUS via youtube.
Cut Foote Loose?
As part of the build up to the 2024 season, this week we go inside Club Mexico with the Melbourne Rebels. Yours truly spent an afternoon with club coach Kenny Loggins to find out how the coach and his players were holding up:
H: Kenny, thank you for allowing G&GR’s best into the inner sanctum this week and for sharing what must be a tough time for all at your organisation.
K: ‘No problems, Horse, it’s a bright light of distraction in a pretty tough time for the club.’
H: In all the negative news of the past few weeks, it’s easy to overlook the fact you’ve actually assembled a half decent squad here this season. With the addition of The Abattoir and FKA to the forwards to complement the likes of Pone and Uelese, you certainly have some size in the forwards to match or best many sides, well not the Tahs obviously, but lesser Australian sides like the Brumbies, for instance.
K: ‘Yah, Horse, I hope we get the chance to see our lads play to their potential. We are excited about belting a few teams as we go. We have a group of large humans up front, some sharp backs and we’re really keen to do our talking on the paddock, if we can afford too.‘
H: I though RA were chipping in on that front for the time being?
K: ‘They are, Horse, for contracts and weekly payments etcetera, but I mean the weekly meat bill feeding some of this lot. Most of them eat like they have two backsides and to be fair, in person they look like they might have. It took me 35 minutes to walk around Taniela last week, his arse needs its own postcode and an Uber service.’
H: Yeah, I’ve said before when he walks, his backside resembles six men wrestling in a three man tent. I guess when your pack nudges the 1 tonne mark in combined mass, that’s a lot of beef needed weekly to keep them in, ummm, ‘shape’?
K: ‘Or horse, Horse. We can’t afford beef no more. So we’ve gone for horse beef instead, Horse.’
H: Sorry, you’ve done what know?
K: ‘horse‘
H: Yes?
K: ‘No, Horse, horse.‘
H: Ok, I’m lost know, what are we talking about?
K: ‘With the recent cut backs at the Rebels Mr Horse, we, the Rebels, have substituted beef from cattle for horse meat to keep costs down.’
H: Ahhhh, you mean ‘Cantonese Cattle’, gotcha. If it works for you mate, it works, smart move for mine. To the season ahead Kenny, I guess external problems like this can either motivate you through anger and resentment to perform at new heights or crush you under the mountain of that anger and resentment. What’ve you seen that gives you hope?
K: ‘It’s brought the team closer together, Horse. There really is a siege mentality and our whole club has çlosed ranks around one another. There’re things we can and can’t control. On the paddock, we are masters of our own destiny and we’re gonna fight, Horse, what else can we do? Imagine if we fight and make the semis.’
H: Now that would make for some interesting conversations. I guess it’s simply time for the Rebels to Cut Foote Loose huh Mr Loggins!
K: ‘That’s actually pretty good, Horse.‘
H: You’re welcome mate. From all at G&GR we wish you well not just for this season, but many ahead.
K: ‘Like to join us for a beer and some horse, Horse? Of course, you’ll have to shout.‘
H: Happy too mate.
*authenticity of interview may be a bit chewy
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Munster Mash the Musical?
rugby.com.au reports a playwright in Oirland is penning a ‘comic play recounts Irish provincial side Munster’s 1978 defeat of the touring All Blacks, a win that still ranks among world rugby’s greatest upsets.‘ In the search for historical accuracy they have turned to last known Australian to ever touch the Bledisloe, one John Eales for some inspiration.
7As Ok.
The forgotten man of the Wallabies, Allan Alaalatoa, who was at least lucky enough to miss the Voldemort Parisian Shite Show through injury, is chipper about his likely mid-season return to SRP.
7As tells a rugby.com.au cadet journo and former executive car washer about his new found perspective that the injury afforded him. Can’t wait to see the big unit get back on the paddock, even if he is a Brumby.
Smart Mouth ah?
When is high impact not high impact? Depends on your mouthguard. For the science nerds Eloise among you all, here is an extract from the SMH:
Current regulations state that for men’s players an impact above 70G and 4000 radians per second squared will recommend a HIA, with lower thresholds of 55G and 4000 rad/s² for women’s players.
To put the collision into context, ex-Formula One driver Romain Grosjean experienced an impact of 67G when he suffered his fireball crash in the 2020 Bahrain Grand Prix, while Max Verstappen experienced a 51G force when he crashed at the 2021 British Grand Prix after colliding with Lewis Hamilton.
Three Nations and Britain
Round three of the best tournament in the world according to the numerous times you hear it during the coverage and I do mean numerous. Maybe it’s the ‘best tournament’ in the world for the sides who can’t actually make the final of the tournament for best team in the world? But anyway, the 6N continues this weekend with round three to take place:
- Ireland host Wales. The Oirish will be three wins from three outings at full time with a comfortable win against the perennially ‘rebuilding’ Welsh side. Paddies by 22.
- Scotland v England. Chance for Scots to bury the demons of correctly losing last week, when they take on the second worst team in the comp this week. Who wins? Scotland by 5, just to stop the McWhingeing for a while and I just can’t ever cheer for England. It’s a ‘you killed my ancestors’ thing.
- France v Italy. Who cares? France without Dupont is like visiting Disney without Mickey. There’re some other characters running about, but it ain’t the same.
Coverage details on Stan
All your 6N news on planetrugby.com
35yo sideways running NRL player? Why not.
Free of the impediments of the last 18 months or so, one Kurtley Beale was back on TV this week (a 9 Exclusive no less) sprouting his desire to have a crack at NRL or union, or dominoes or maybe even bobsledding. Now call me cynical, but at 35yo with his best athletic years perhaps behind him and a CV punctuated with several, well, unsavoury experiences, I do wonder how many Loig teams, or union teams, domino sides or bobsledding outfits will be beating a path to his door, or cubicle, as it were?
That’s more than enough for one week – I dare you not to sing this all day if you listen to it!
See you next week
Hoss – out.
