Good evening, good morning and good riddance to another working week and welcome to Friday’s Rugby News.
No rugby? No worries! There’re still tests, teams, tanties and tall tales to discuss right across the rugby cosmos. Today kicks off with a probing investigation of ‘X-Rated?’. We meet our new Wallaby forward coach in ‘It’s Hips to be Square’. Talk about the treatment of national rugby coaches and wider expectations with ‘R.U.S.P.I.C.T’. Welcome the alleged new Tahs overlord in ‘Bula’. And round out the working week with another ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, the Julian Assange edition where I publish your full names, home addresses and credit card details, all in the name of protecting free speech. You’re welcome, Australia.
X-Rated?
Ponder on this Gaggers: when was the last time, say over the last decade, that a Wallaby squad didn’t include a player selected because of ‘X-Factor?’ You know, that elusive, intangible, indefinable quality, that won us so many games, retained the Bledisloe and lead to a decade of greatness for the Wallabies and us fans? Yep, me neither.
For the first time in a rugby age it appears our national squad has been selected around some ridiculous notion that it’s players who can do the meat and potatoes of their roles well, time after time, after time that’ve been selected. Not an X-Rated or ‘X-Factor’ player anywhere near the team. And how bloody refreshing is that!
Now before you all get excited, I understand that with only four days together before the first Welsh test that selectors have erred on the side of caution and there’s an element of selecting existing state combinations to help plug gaps that will arise. Similarly, I also understand there will no doubt be future selections of players of national interest to a wider squad, but, for now, this squad of 38 have absolutely earnt their spots.
Sure there are one or two tough calls (Uru and Canham) and one or two players that may seem a tad fortunate. I mean, is this cubicle taken? really the type of good comms Gilbert Beale brings to the table? And what exactly has Clubba Langi Gleeson done to warrant his spot? But, overall, during my week of research (aka doing bugger all actual paid work) I reckon this is perhaps the most balanced Wallaby squad of the past 10 years.
I think we can safely say, based on selections, that St Joe and his serfs have valued effort and consistency over something that is shiny, new and flashy. The best example of this is the absolutely warranted selection of Hamish Stewart. This guy for me, epitomises what St Joe is after. Very good at his core skills, does the unsexy stuff very well and makes those around him better players by providing space and time for them. In other words, a ‘team player’.
In naming this squad St Joe has laid down a marker. If you want to play for his Wallabies you now know what’s required; he values effort, attitude and consistency over moments or flashes of X-Factor. And that’s music to my ears. Quality lasts and finally X-Rated is confined to where it belongs: hidden under Sully’s bed for when his wife works late.
It’s Hips To Be Square.
Let’s be honest here, Gaggers, props and forwards in general are dumb. Not in a book, or school, learn things sort of way dumb. More in a team before self, willingness to bash and barge into other large dumb objects sort of way dumb. Are they the dumbest on a rugby field? No way, backs are completely and utterly dumb. And I do mean in a book, or school, learn things way, ignorant of the world American type, impervious to any actual facts or teachings dumb. Their dumbness is a special, unique, soul deep, proper, stupid dumb. Show me a smart back and I’ll show you a failed forward.
As a reference I once attended a corporate gig many years ago, a Wallaby back of the Robbie Deans era was there. The back and I spoke for a brief period; it was brief only because I could feel my IQ evaporating, almost through osmosis, for every second we spoke. I think the gent must’ve been an organic farmer in his spare time because, sure as spit, he had a sizeable mob of free range roos, roaming loose in the top paddock. And I’ve spent time around Yowie, so I know proper stupid when I’m near it.
But I digress. The difference between a forward and a back? A forward can be taught. A forward wants to be part of a successful collective. A forward wants to impose their will on opposing forwards and belong to something far greater than themselves.
Enter stage right, new Wallaby forwards coach, Huey Lewis (aka Mike Cron). Cron’s arrival into Oz rugby is exciting for Oz fans and pundits alike. But more than that, it’s his determination to bring a genuine passion and desire to teach our forwards to seek and relish the set piece challenge and to assert a singular dominance through applied technical aptitude, underwritten by the right attitude, that is genuinely exciting to me.
Of course our forwards won’t go from competitive to world domination in a few tests. But under Cron’s tutelage we have the makings of a proper piggy collective. 7As, The Abattoir, Jimmy Slips, Fez, Salakaia-Loto, Ryan Smith, Sideshow Bob, Liam Wright; that’s a group of big bodies that could make up a starting collective. I was also impressed by ‘Scrabble’, Zane Nonggorr’s (you try making a word outta two Gs, Ns, Os and Rs. That’s gotta be a quadruple pointer, surely?) and his end of season form. He was very impressive from the bench for the QPRQ and is still something like only 17 years old. And just wait till Gus ‘The Bull’ Bell is fully fit again. Now you should be starting to get excited as well!
Cron brings experience that rugby dreams are made of. You don’t just happen to be a coach of the All Blacks for 217 tests. And it’s little coincidence that Cron’s tenure also coincided with the same period the dark lords enjoyed the title of perhaps the world’s greatest sporting side. Not just world’s greatest ever rugby side.
Talk is cheap and improvements and results on the field are yet to come, but one thing’s for sure, with Huey Lewis in charge of our forwards, it’ll start with hips to be square and the rest will soon follow.
You can check out more of Huey Lewis and his news at mikecroncoaching.co.nz
R.U.S.P.I.C.T
You just gotta laugh, dontcha?
Motivational speaker and he of the sunny disposition, Shag Hansen, is telling anyone who’ll listen that his mate Ian ‘Fozzie’ Foster was dussruspucted by both the NZR and the Kiwi media (both members) during his tenure as coach of The Nearlies.
And you know what, he might just have a point. But it’s a wee bit hard to take such claims seriously from a guy who had a caricature of Michael Cheika as a clown on the front page of the papers (ok, he may not have arranged it as such, but he didn’t protest much) and then accused the Wallabies of planting listening devices in the ABs meetings room when in Sydney. A blatant attempt to generate a siege mentality for his own troops’ motivation and 100% BS that caused a police investigation.
The whole affair almost blew up in the Kiwis’ faces anyway with NSW police referring the matter to the RSCPCA for an investigation into alleged beastiality plotting by some members of the AB squad. Certainly a suspicious volume of velcro gloves and industrial quantities of lanolin were delivered to their Sydney hotel in the days leading up to the match. Well that, and a few players had also downloaded a lot of Barry White music to their phones as well.
stuff.co.nz has more
Bula.
The SMH reports former Wallaby assistant coach, and recent Fjian head coach, Simon Raiwalui (pronounced Si-mon) is to be unveiled today (to capitalise on the massive viewing numbers of G&GR’s FRN) as Tahs director of performance.
This is outstanding news for the Tahs and if, as expected, Dan Chuckles McKellar gets the head coaching gig, then finally the planets might start to align at Daceyville. Players will start to sign and the Reds can stop stockpiling players who will never get any game time anyway.
And RA, please note, happy to put Dan and the clan up at the Ponderosa while he gets settled. Come for the coaching, stay for the bourbon and the Hosspitality.
Good call for mine.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Cheik Mate.
Breaking news last night that Mr Michael Cheika has been named new coach of the Tahs Leicester Tigers for next season. A proven winner in Europe, Cheik unselfishly leaves the runway clear for Chuckles McKellar to ascend the NSW coaching throne. rugby.com.au has more.
Crap Judiciary Result. Again.
The two teens who stabbed Toutai and Rachel Kefu in a botched home invasion in August 2021, when the offenders were aged just 15, have been sentenced to less than 10 years detention, despite a judge finding the offending particularly heinous. Yet I could get 20 years for not paying taxes. Go figure. abcnews.com.au has the story.
Under 20s Side Named
The U20s side to face Georgia has been named. Some impressive young players in this side too.
Australia U20 v Georgia U20: Athlone Sports Stadium, Cape Town at 4.30pm Saturday 29 June (local) / 12.30am Sunday 30 June (AEST)
rugby.co.au has the details.
Surly Saffa Sulks.
Failed Brumbies coach and Eddie’s mate, Jake White, went full Rassie with his opinions and commentary on the officiating of the Bulls loss last weekend. With quotes like ‘it’s twice in a row now the referees let the away team win’. Is it any wonder Gus Gardner told Wednesday’s Rugby News that the Saffas could ‘get a dog up em’.
Sore losers? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo. Only when their cheating doesn’t pay off.
He ain’t heavy, he’s my captain.
Quarter pounder inhaler and sometimes rugby player, Siya Kolisi, is not only back in The Catholics side for the Ireland series, but he is also captain. Current head coach and former head coach who ran water, Jaco Johan, has briefed planetrugby.com of the return of the rotund one. Of course I’ll be cheering for the Oirish in this series, but the Saffas are a different animal with Kolisi at the helm. Bring it on.
You can’t handle the truth.
Bugger me if the current generation aren’t just the most fragile beings in existence. planetrugby.com ran a story of replacement Welsh sex worker, Sam Parry, leaving the Welsh camp when Warren Gatland disrespected him. And just what was Wazza’s crime? Why he’s reported as telling the injury cover player that he was, in fact, injury cover. What a total and utter bastard.
“I was straight up with him and told him what the situation he was in in the squad. We’ve put a release out to all the players that we’d picked a squad of 37 and we were only taking 34 on tour. I just wanted to be straight up and front him as a player. I’d like to know where I actually stood’.
No wonder Gatland failed his player. First he didn’t reinforce the player’s parents’ lifelong messaging of him being extremely special and talented and that any rugby side would be lucky to have him. And that he should ask for more money, or alternatively go on stress leave if that was denied, or at the very least seek compensation from HR and indefinite paid leave for duress and suffering.
Having been left out by Gatland, at this point Parry had two choices:
- Go back to his home in one of those quaint Welsh villages like Edithpiafhumptydoo and work on areas of his game and earn full squad selection. Or,
- Go straight to the media and play the victim card.
What do you think little Sammy did again? Oh the humanity.
Melbourne Who?
The Ginger Ninja, Andrew Kellaway, has returned to where it all began for him and is ready for the Tahs 2025 season. Kellaway probably would’ve said something like ‘the last three years have been really shite in Victoria and I couldn’t wait for the team to go under so I could come back to civilisation. And I hated playing in front of crowds of 28 people and 83 seagulls anyway’. But that part of his interview wasn’t quoted.
A smart footballer and a good guy. Welcome back AK.
Music to my ears.
We’ll let St Joe close out another Friday for us with some quotes from a story on rugby.com.au about his lack of time, but eagerness to get stuck into coaching our boys. “But if I wasn’t nervous, I don’t think I’d be on the edge doing my job right. So I’m happy to be nervous because it just encourages me to work a bit harder and engage a bit quicker and a bit more often with the players so that we can try to be on the same page.”
Until next week. Go The Wallabies
Hoss – out.
