Rocky Elsom was named today as the captain of the Waratahs for 2012. At G&GR we can exclusively reveal that this announcement has resulted in a new book being written about Elsom, following on from the incredible success of “Rocky Elsom: Leader of the Wallabies”.
Previously G&GR excerpts (found here and here) have shown Elsom to be a very different character from the growling beast he resembles both on and off the field. In fact he is quite the Renaissance Man, much to the surprise of the wider rugby community.
The new book does not disappoint. Its title is “Rocky Elsom: Leader of the Waratahs“, and as luck would have it we have managed to get our hands on the opening chapter. It is quite explosive, shedding light on some of the biggest questions in rugby, such as: Why did Rocky leave the Brumbies? What really goes on at the meetings of the Tahs Leadership Group? What did Rocky get up to in the off-season?
The following we believe was written just after Rocky was announced as captain. Have a read:
Rocky sat down at the press conference, about to be announced as captain of the Waratahs. Yet he couldn’t help reflecting on the last three months and how they had brought him to this point.
The Rugby World Cup was a disaster for Rocky, and confronted by injury and failure he needed to escape for a while. Luckily a spot had opened up on an archaeological dig at Ounjougou near the breathtaking Bandiagara Cliffs in central Mali, and Rocky had secured it for a month. Like any Australian male Rocky was fascinated with the early human population and paleo-environment in West Africa, and he couldn’t wait to visit the area widely acknowledged to be the birthplace of pottery. Also the time in the arid environment would allow him to revisit Islamic Philosophy, and to do this he had picked up a collection of the early works of Avicenna- whom Rocky regarded as the most influential polymath of the Islamic Golden Age.
But eventually Rocky had to return to Australia, faced with the task of starting at a new team- the Waratahs. This would be difficult, yet Rocky took solace from the words of Epictetus- “The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it. Skilful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.” A qualified pilot himself, Rocky could relate to this quote, as he could for most of Epictetus’s work. In fact there were a great many similarities between Rocky and Epictetus, a fact that he was surprised his teammates hadn’t realised. Sitting on the plane home Rocky’s thoughts turned back to the Waratahs.
Certainly he looked forward to donning the sky blue of NSW as it reminded him of the early works of Kandinsky, where he often relied upon the light shade of blue to highlight the non-representational attributes of colour and form. And he was pleased to be moving back to Sydney, a city which suited his cultural peccadilloes far more than Canberra. Whilst it was widely known Rocky was restless in the nation’s capital, the press had mistakenly pointed the finger at the Brumbies staff and players as the root of this unhappiness. The true cause however was a very limited range of poorly performed Shakespeare and a complete lack of both Vietnamese water puppetry and Russian cinema. This amounted to three strikes for Rocky, and thus he had to get out of Canberra.
Two months later Rocky finally felt comfortable in Waratah blue. He was pleased to be given a spot in the Leadership Group, and was even more pleased to be elected captain by the group. After the press conference (where Rocky once again spoke in a series of banal clichés, an elaborate ruse he had been keeping up for years now) he started to prepare himself for the evening, where he would be giving his first address to the Leadership Group. This was his big moment, and he had drawn extensively from his favourite speeches in writing it, particularly the second inaugural address to the UN in 1993 by Boutros Boutros-Ghali, one of Rocky’s top 4 Secretary-Generals of the last century. He parked his 1947 Opel Kapitan outside Waratahs HQ, and proceeded inside. He was a little late, and the music coming from the meeting room indicated to Rocky that the festivities may have begun without him.
He entered the room and expected to find the Leadership Group deep in discussion. However the first thing he saw was Rob Horne sobbing in a corner, attempting to straighten his arm which had clearly dislocated at both the shoulder and the elbow. Michael Foley was passed out on the table naked, while Tatafu Polota-Nau and Benn Robinson had saucepans on their heads and were charging at each other like mountain goats. Worst of all Berrick Barnes, Drew Mitchell and Tah Man had broken into Rocky’s office and were urinating on a priceless tapestry Rocky had been given by the Crown Prince of Bhutan. Rocky sighed. Maybe the Waratahs would not be so easy after all.
Really interesting stuff. I can’t wait to read the whole book, and I’m sure G&GR might be able to publish some more chapters as the season goes on. Early word is this book will come with an accompanying vinyl record of Rocky singing Song of the Viking Guest from Rimsky-Korsakov’s ‘Sadko’. I’m betting it will fly off the shelves.
