Author: Dismal Pillock
Dismal Pillock
Having been banned from NZ rugby forums, Dismal Pillock found a home for his disturbing and hilarious warped stream of consciousness in the G&GR forum. We try to publish some of the least offensive nuggets of gold here.
Adelaide Team Set To Join Super Rugby –SMH— An upstart Super Rugby franchise located in Adelaide have taken out a court injunction demanding immediate inclusion into the Super Rugby competition. “We have bided our time for long enough, LONG ENOUGH” a team spokesman said. “It is constitutionally un-Australian to continue to deny us inclusion in the Super Rugby competition. We also demand big f*cking financial bailouts from the ARU so we can follow our romantic dream of being the hero every f*cking Saturday arvo. No more questions. F**k you all.” The Adelaide-based franchise have secured a number of high profile backers…
–NY Times– Shell Oil have today announced the purchase of the rights to a Canterbury Crusaders rugby commentator’s diamond-hard stiffy. A spokesman for Shell stated “we were monitoring drilling activity in the North Sea when the meters suddenly went off the charts. Systems indicated the presence of a tiny little rock hard drill bit located in a rugby commentary box in Christchurch, New Zealand. Our shocked technicians ran some quick diagnostics and breathlessly announced that the individual in question is named Mr Tony Johnstone of Christchurch, New Zealand. Our charts indicate that when this individual is commentating matches involving the Canterbury Crusaders, he has…
–National Geographic– It is basic science that The Tears of Phil Kearns are some of the most treasured minerals known to man. Just one single solitary tear, rubbed lovingly upon the fontanelle of a newborn infant, has been scientifically proven to: ward off evil spirits forever. ensure a healthy appetite. bestow a lifelong disposition of just benevolence. guarantee a lifetime of stiffies. even for girls. Once shed, Phil Kearns tears are quickly pooled along with the tears of every other sook bastard on the fuckin’ planet.. 99.8% of whom now reside on the internet. However, due to their priceless nature, Kearns tears,…
The All Blacks are set to unveil their secret weapon at the Rugby World Cup. Waisake Naholo, a strike winger, has been selected for the squad despite currently having a broken leg and being only 3-feet tall. “Don’t worry England”, said NZ captain McCaw, “he is tiny, we only brought him along to sing songs for us on the long bus rides. No use even telling him to dance. He only has one good leg, and at 3 feet tall if he tries to dance he just keels over and starts crying. Nothing to see here.”
Hello, and Welcome to part two of The Official IRB 2015 Rugby World Cup Guide. You can see part one here Let me guide you through the key elements of the upcoming tournament, featuring a close-up in-depth look at all of the 19 foreign teams that are cruelly and viciously and, frankly, racistly looking to deny New Zealand their 3rd Rugby World Cup and second Rugby World Cup in succession. France **Threat Level**: HUGELY TERRIFYING. I only know about three of the French players names but who cares, once France front up against NZ at a Rugby World Cup it’s as…
[Written some weeks ago, we’ve unearthed a unique Kiwi preview to the tournament – Ed] Hello, and Welcome to The Official IRB 2015 Rugby World Cup Guide Let me, your resident rugby expert (see panel pictured below, that’s me, on the far right), knowledgeably guide you through the key elements of the upcoming tournament, featuring a close-up in-depth look at all of the 19 foreign teams that are cruelly and viciously and, frankly, racistly looking to deny New Zealand their 3rd Rugby World Cup and second Rugby World Cup in succession. Without further ado, let’s meet the teams: Argentina **Threat Level**: HUGE…
WARNING: TWISTED MIND AT WORK (ED.) “Hello everyone, I’m Richard Graham and welcome to The Queensland Reds Gala Ball for 2015! “First of all, I’d like to thank the Wollongong Working Men’s Club here in sunny Sydney for very kindly agreeing to host this years Queensland Reds Gala Ball. Some might say a venue closer to Queensland itself might have been more suitable but frankly, I had some issues booking any sort of venue at all in and around the greater Queensland/Western Australia/Darwin/Perth/Tasmania area. Well then. What a great year it was! Yes, we had a few ups and…
Hello. Gene Gunston here. Are you sick of golf? Of course you are! It’s a bloody stupid game! In case you haven’t noticed, the golf hole itself is ridiculously small. Especially compared to the massive acres of parkland you have to wander around to even find the little prick. Well, rest easy because have we got the sport for you. Rugby Golf! All you have to do is tonk your ball over the rugby goalposts and that’s it. Hole finished. Par 5? Just tonk it over the posts and pencil in birdie or some shit. You’re getting the hang of…
Now then, straight down to business; are you having trouble with your rugby TMO’s lately?
You buggers didn’t buy enough Tah stubby coolers and don’t click on enough ads, so we’ve gone into partnership with Dismal and his Aunty – Ed. Gunston Oil For sale: Oil Rig. $400 million O.N.O All the fat pricks currently on the starboard deck? No problem. This Gunston oil rig will roll with the punches. Trampoline is high and dry. Fun for all the family. $6,000 bucks. (the basement may be a bit wet) This oil rig will arrive at your front door in VERY FUCKING CLEAN condition.…
Renowned political activist and occasional rugby player David Pocock has spent his Friday night in Auckland chained to one of the goalposts at Eden Park
Going cheap, the Melbourne Rebels 2014 Merchandise Catalogue