The Front Row
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1. Loosehead Prop
Samwell Tarly – Jon Snow’s best buddy is naive as he is round. However, he does have that fat baby face that would make the ref say, “how could I randomly penalise a face like that?”
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2. Hooker
Davos Seaworth – His new-found ability to read means Ser Davos has always been trained to be player who needs to read the least.
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3. Tighthead Prop
Varys – He’s niggled his way to the top with diplomacy – can he niggle his fat neck and bald bonce to scrum victory too?
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Second Row
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4. Lock
Hodor – His height and communication skills make him an ideal lock, while his boy-carrying ability surely translates to ball-carrying ability.
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5. Lock
Brienne of Tarth – Her sense of honour often lets her down at the breakdown, but her rather stilted manner means she’s a great lifting option.
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The Back Row
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6. Blindside Flanker
Jaime Lannister – That golden hand comes in handy when knocking down lineouts, or reaching around mauls.
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7. Openside Flanker
Diana Rigg – This experienced old schemer comes with a wealth of tactics to get over the gain line in international diplomacy and internal politics. She also comes with a Tony Award for Best Actress, which is always handy.
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8. Number 8
The Hound – While his ball-carrying is yet to be tested, he has a pretty interesting character arc. That hints at some underlying pathos, which is always an important characteristic of any good number 8.
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Halves
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9. Scrumhalf
Littlefinger – Despite not being a big guy, Littlefinger’s slimy nature and ability to piss people off makes him the perfect choice to be a scrumhalf. Displayed a good tactical kick when he punted Lysa Aryn down the sky well.
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10. Flyhalf
Daenarys – Let’s face it, she’s going to take over the main place and marry Jon Snow. She has white hair, he has black hair; her dragons breath fire, his name is Snow and he spends most of his time in north. Song of Ice and Fire and all that. Anyway, she’s flyhalf.
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Centres
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12. Inside Centre
Jon Snow – He doesn’t know a whole lot, but he does know how to set up a box play. Also teaming up at 10-12 with his future wife.
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13. Outside Centre
Melisandre – “Normal” outside centres like Samu Kerevi barge their way through defences. Melisandre births ghosts out of her vagina to get past defences. To each their own.
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Outside Backs
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11. Winger
Arya Stark – She’s small, she’s nippy, and she take on other people’s identities (like that of a respectable footballer). Just like every other winger.
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14. Winger
Bronn – Not trustworthy enough to put at fullback, the mercenary man has been shunted out to the wing. Has a few street smarts.
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15. Fullback
Cersei – All her children are dead, and she it’s mostly her fault because she’s an absolute bitch. Therefore, in the Mike Brown mold, she’ll be a great fullback.
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