G’day Gaggers and welcome to another bursting Friday’s Rugby News.
Today we cover more ground than my first wife’s shadow, so first up, let’s hook in with ‘Spankfest’. Enjoy another FRN exclusive with ‘Sorry, Black Kant’. Revisit painful memories in ‘Faking It’? Look what’s happening at planet Wallaroo with ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’. Check out the latest news for our wheelchair rugby athletes in ‘Bronzed Aussies’ before a look into the near future with ‘More Than Biscuits‘. And finally, limp exhausted into a mammoth ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, much like its author, so big, so bulging, with more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Spankfest.
FISMs v Us. Argentina somewhere. Sunday, 8 September 4.00am AEST.
How good are these back-to-back mini tours during this year’s Rugby Championship? Not only do us fans get treated to a proper spectacle but the team get time away together. They get to forge bonds, work uninterrupted, hone skills and game plans, all under the tutelage of our coaching cohort. And away from unrealistic fan expectations and really shitty journalism, like The Roar.
A lot spoken about last week’s efforts from our lot against the FISMs. But for mine, it was a ‘Team 7’ and the best outing under St Joe thus far. I thought that most of our lot simply executed their core roles well. I thought our defence was outstanding (what’s the old adage of defence = team culture?), the scrum was solid, the lineout outstanding and the kick-off receipt, well, it blew chunks. But we aren’t perfect, yet.
Now to this week. The drums are beating loudly that both Noah and Tom Wright have pulled up lame after last week’s win and have been humanely euthanised and will be replaced by Ben ‘why couldn’t you do that against Italy and we would’ve had Rennie instead of the poison dwarf’ Donaldson at #10, with Mad Max Jorgo to get a start at #15. Further news has Salakaia-Loto also out injured. Which is a real shame, he’s become our enforcer in the pack. And if he can eliminate the dropped ball per game from his rugby modus operandi, we have a real centrepiece to build around (is it just me or would he be an awesome #6 to complement Frost/Smith/Swain/Williams/Blyth or Skelton as locks?).
What stood out for me were small moments that turned into big ones and the impact of our own mongrel dog, Tizzano. Don’t for a minute thinks that’s a slight on CT, far from it, it’s a real compliment. More than any other forward CT relishes the confrontation. In fact, I reckon he craves it. And the more willing it becomes, the more he shines. I believe he’s 57 successful tackles from 57 attempts across the RC at present. Plus he got 3 turnovers of his own last week. Plus, it was his chopping tackle that allowed Gus Bell his turnover.
As for some other moments. Sideshow Bob running straight over the top of Kremmer didn’t get enough review. Kremmer is a physical monster and SB left him sprawled on the ground, like Keith looking for a dollar coin, slow to his feet and rattled for a while after. Fergie Ikitau had his best game in gold for over a year. His hands, feet and power in contact is outstanding. Until now, I thought him lucky to keep his spot. After last week, he would be among the first chosen. Lastly, that ‘outside-in’ hit of Bell’s in the second half won us turnover ball and few phases later, it was Bell at halfback, handing off for SB to score and bring us right back into it.
The other player who doesn’t get the wraps he deserves is The Fez, Matt Faessler. He simply goes about his work without fuss or fanfare. His scrummage work is excellent, his lineout throwing always dependable. He makes his tackles and hits his rucks. He won’t likely make a highlights reel, but our team is always much better with him starting. I also had a chuckle with the selective memory on many fans on here calling for the return of BPA. Let’s be crystal clear shall we, his throwing was completely shite when he first wore gold. Hence his nickname of ‘lightning’: he never hit the same spot twice. Sure he’s been in France, but so have I and I didn’t come back a better hooker.
Overall, I really liked what I saw last week. Are we going to beat SAf, the Oirish or Nazi Party hosts, France anytime soon? No. But we’ll push the wobbly Minstrels in the Bledisloe and we’ll be two from two at fulltime this Sunday AEST.
Wallabies team to play Argentina at Estadio Colon in Santa Fe on Sunday, 8 September at 5:00am AEST
1. Angus Bell (30 Tests) – Hunters Hill Rugby 2. Matt Faessler (9 Tests) – USQ Saints 3. Taniela Tupou (53 Tests) – Brothers Rugby 4. Nick Frost (18 Tests) – Hornsby Lions 5. Jeremy Williams (5 Tests) – Wahroonga Tigers 6. Rob Valetini (45 Tests) – Harlequin Junior Rugby Club 7. Carlo Tizzano (3 Tests) – University of Western Australia8. Harry Wilson (16 Tests) – Gunnedah Red Devils9. Jake Gordon (24 Tests) – Canterbury Juniors10. Ben Donaldson (11 Tests) – Clovelly Eagles11. Marika Koroibete (61 Tests) – Nasinu Secondary College, Fiji12. Hamish Stewart (1 Test) – Toowoomba Bears13. Len Ikitau (32 Tests) – Tuggeranong Vikings14. Max Jorgensen (2 Tests) – Balmain Wolves15. Andrew Kellaway (32 Tests) – Hunters Hill Rugby Substitutes16. Josh Nasser (5 Tests) – Easts Tigers17. James Slipper (138 Tests) – Bond Pirates18. Allan Alaalatoa (73 Tests) – West Harbour Juniors19. Josh Canham* – Harlequin Junior Rugby Club20. Langi Gleeson (7 Tests) – Harbord Harlequins21. Tate McDermott (34 Tests) – Flinders Rugby Club22. Tom Lynagh (2 Tests) – University of Queensland23. Josh Flook (2 Tests) – Brothers Rugby
Fearless Prediction: Dry track. Good pack. Improving team. Us by 12.
Sorry, Black Kant.
In another Friday exclusive* we’ve been provided a copy of the SARU written apology to the Black & White Minstrels (formerly known as the All Blacks) for the shenanigans during their haka in the crime capital of the universe, Jo’burg. Best read with a heavy South African accent, or an aggressive, phlegmy, chest cough:
Dear Mr Foster,
On behalf of the world’s greatest ever rugby nation, we would like to extend to you an apology for the perfectly timed and completely unscheduled interruption to your little Polynesian jig last week.
While we may be the best team in rugby, by some distance, with the best coach, players, fans and administrators, we would never stoop to tactics such as the unfortunate accident that saw a beautifully choreographed combination of fireworks, rock and roll music and a flyover from a 747 occur during your Hakarena.
We understand, hold dear and cherish how important the tongue wagging, thigh slapping is to you little insignificant people and assure you that we would never knowingly disrespect your dance carnival.
For the record, it wouldn’t’ve made a difference anyway as we are clearly superior to you in every rugby sense. Well that and another British referee gifting us an undeserved win with horrendous calls at critical stages.
Now that the statue of limitations has also expired, we would also like to apologise for poisoning your 1995 RWC final side at their team breakfast a few years back. We had hoped for simple nausea, but full blown diarrhoea was a bonus for our team. Having said that, if we had any idea those events would’ve lead to Matt Damon’s portrayal of revered skipper, Francois Pienaar, alongside our President, Morgan Freeman, we would never have done it. Even we have our limits.
We look forward to resuming hostilities with you this weekend and once again proving you are nothing compared to us. Further we can almost promise that the Haka will be given the full South African respect it deserves. Besides, scheduled flights at that time are not available and Jo’burg residents stole the remaining fireworks and audio equipment anyway.
Yours in Rugby
Jaque-Hanhs Phlegmgeittner
President SARU.
Faking It.
Not since my honeymoon to Pacific Palms Tourist Park & Truck Rest Stop have allegations of ‘faking it’ made me so damn mad. This week the sheiks of shite, the Rasputins of rugby, the DDFs had the absolute temerity to claim that the head injuries the Wallabies suffered against them in Perth, were in fact ‘faked’. Little more than a ruse to have uncontested scrums!
Yep, the team that bought us video abuse of match officials, whose fatties feign injury every two minutes to slow down play. Whose shoes require trainer attention every 73.26 seconds and whose head coach spent the entirety of 2020 – 23 on the field as ‘water boy’, has accused the Wallabies of faking head injuries, extracting advantage by milking the rules for their own benefit.
Pot-kettle-black anyone?
Leaving on a Jet Plane.
Our Wallaroos side flies out today, headed north. The team are heading to the land of warm beers and cold hearts, as part of a pre-WXV2 hit out and also for RWC2025 preparations in England. The team will face Wales and Ireland, the latter celebrating its 150th anniversary of rugby and never making a RWC semi-final. After these matches the Wallaroos get stuck into the WXV2 comp against Wales, Italy, South Africa and Japan.
Aussie coach Jo Yapp has nailed our golden colours to the mast, declaring her side will win the WXV2. This would be a welcome confidence boost to our team after an ordinary WXV1 campaign. Go well golden ones.
Squad details available here. WXV2 fixture details available here
Bronzed Aussies.
Big shout out to our Wheelchair rugby team, the Steelers, who have won bronze in the Paralympics this week.
After the heartbreak of an overtime loss to Japan, that saw a rooky mistake from our most experienced player gift Japan an equalising try in regular time, it would have been easy to throw the lollies on the floor in this game and miss a medal altogether.
And not only did our team respond, they did so by beating 2020 gold medallists and the team who beat them in the opening round match at these games, Great Britain: 50-48.
Skipper Chris Bond went on to say: “It was so disheartening yesterday when we battered out of the semi-final in the way we did, the fact that we had the game in our hands, and we lost. But we told the team to just let that sink in, use that as fuel for motivation today, we always wanted to finish on top and get a win. Two thirds of our team coming in had never received a Paralympic medal before, and now they’re Paralympic medallists.
.Well done to our team on winning a games medal. I’d highly recommend you read the excellent article from paralympic.org.au for more.
More Than Biscuits.
News late Thursday from the SMH’s Iain Payten that the loooooong talked about Anzac Day Test between us and those of the Poxy Isles is set to be approved for 2026. Not only that, but it’d be the centrepiece of SRP Super Round to be held in a city that actually supports rugby and even better, has a team in the competition: Perth. Take that Bill Pulver.
The move is welcome news after the sheep shaggers and the Dutch Dirt Farmers announced formal tours of each other’s nations in 2026 and 2030, believed to comprise eight matches in total. In a hark back to olden days, that would mean three tests and five mid week games.
Payten reports that since the Saffa SR sides chased the euro, both unions have looked at how to milk the cash cow that is broadcasting rights. Enter stage right, SA’s own SuperSport network.
With so many moving parts to this story, if you can, make sure you read the SMH article.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Kiwis steal Kiwi.
Bloody typical huh. Thieving bastards. Not content with copying our flag, the South Australian accent, roads, cars, our form of government and democratic underpinnings AND our rightful sole place in this part of the Pacific, turns out they’ve also stolen our bird for their national symbol.
Yep, according to rnz.co.nz, the stunted emu was actually Australian all along. Sure, we might’ve borrowed Phar Lap, lamingtons, the pavlova, Russell Crowe, Crowded House, Dragon, (Sunny Brew is all yours) and a few other things. But as soon as their careers are over, or they’re dead, or in a tawdry press headline, we quickly relinquish ownership. That’s the type of friends we are. But you guys? Take, take, take.
You better hope China doesn’t start eyeing you off for liberation. Ain’t no Z in AUKUS, baby!
POD Gods
Great to have The Rugby Report Card team join with our own Happyman and swearologist KARL for a joint Talking Teams podcast this week, for a review of the recent RC matches. Some terrific insights and one or two really interesting suggestions as well. Just be aware, the language gets a bit fruity, so best to keep away from kiddies’ ears.
Hunter Rugby Needs Me.
It appears the HRU are after a GM to help Darren Coleman in his plans at the Wildfires for total world rugby domination. Before I decide if I should let them interview me, a few questions must first be answered:
- Are staff beatings encouraged?
- Are Fair Work Australia laws used as a rough guide?
- Is 100% work from home available?
- Would any forensic IT searches be conducted on my provided laptop?
HRU, you really can’t afford to miss out on me, see contact details below.
Murderball for Yow Dummies.
Ever wondered about the strategies, tactics and rules around Murderball? Well worth a watch – youtube.com
Kiss of Death.
Uh oh. It would appear Steve Borthwick’s days are numbered with RFU’s chief exec trotting out the ol’ 100% support for Steve quote on stuff.co.unzud. The facts seem indisputable: Borthwick has gone through more assistants than Eddie Jones this year and twice as many as Razor! The recent departures of Aled Walters and Felix Jones have rattled the Pommy setup leading to the CEO death riding the (soon to be former) Soap Dodgers coach. I’m sure the ‘100% ‘support quote will evolve over coming days to ‘full board support’ and then metamorphosise into ‘a full and thorough review’ before an ad pops up in the Sunday Times for a coach with ‘international experience for a gig around the Twickenham area’.
Your reporter reached out to Eddie Jones to address rumours he’s applied for the soon to be vacant English role, to which I was told, from the back of a black top near Hyde Park, wearing a monocle, a tweed jacket with leather patches and a walking cane, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, old chappy. Toodle pip’.
Kiwi Picnic. Sorry, Panic.
What do you call mass changes to a Kiwi side who are equal with us on Rugby Championship wins? Pffft, forget about ‘renewal’ or ‘fantastic opportunity’ or any of those other masking words. The Kiwis have made 26 changes for this weekend’s second test against the Boks and are in desperate search of a win. The main four casualties in this panicked decision are the benching of the only Barrett without a test match red card, Beauden, and 43yo halfback PJ Paranoia. Luke Jacobson is back on the bench and Wallace Sititi earns his first starting cap.
Imagine a Kiwi loss and third place on the RC table…………………spooky huh.
New Zealand (15-1): Will Jordan; Sevu Reece, Rieko Ioane, Jordie Barrett, Mark Tele’a; Damian McKenzie, Cortez Ratima; Ardie Savea, Sam Cane, Wallace Sititi; Tupou Vaa’i, Scott Barrett (capt); Tyrel Lomax, Codie Taylor, Tamaiti Williams Replacements: Asafo Aumua, Ofa Tu’ungafasi, Fletcher Newell, Sam Darry, Luke Jacobson, TJ Perenara, Anton Lienert-Brown, Beauden Barrett
Dolly, Pardon?
New Force recruit Nic ‘Boobs’ Dolly is itching to go for season 2025. Born in Sydney (traitor), Boobs moved to Boris World in 2017 and enjoyed stints with Sale Sharks, Coventry and Leicester Tigers. Informed rugby people speak highly of Boobs and I understand Wallaby coaches are excited to have him back on Oz soil.
It’s a Miracle 2.0.
Siya Kolisi has recovered from a fractured face, severed leg and a kidney transplant to rise from his hospital bed to lead the Boks this weekend. Inspired by the recovery of the alleged pistol whipper last week, Kolisi will lead a team consisting of five changes.
The most startling of all Rassies changes? A 5:3 split on the bench! Although the three backs are two former locks and an #8.
Springboks (15-1): Willie le Roux; Canan Moodie, Jesse Kriel, Damian de Allende, Cheslin Kolbe; Handre Pollard, Grant Williams; Jasper Wiese, Pieter-Steph du Toit, Siya Kolisi (capt); Ruan Nortje, Eben Etzebeth; Frans Malherbe, Bongi Mbonambi, Ox Nche. Replacements: Malcolm Marx, Gerhard Steenekamp, Vincent Koch, Kwagga Smith, Elrigh Louw, Jaden Hendrikse, Sacha Feinberg-Mngomezulu, Lukhanyo Am.
Fearless Prediction: I can’t ever pick SA, unless it’s against a NH side for the RWC. No comment.
Until next week – I need a lie down.
Hoss -out.
*exclusive may not be entirely reliable.
