Welcome back you beautiful people. So what’s on the books for this weekend’s Six Nations tournament?

Well.. we’ve got a story of Irish redemption about to unfold, a battle of mad scientists brewing in Scotland, and a clash between the orcs and their cryogenically-enhanced neighbors. In other words, another typical weekend in the RBS Six Nations.

Enough chatter, let’s dig in.

Italy v. Ireland

The Forwards

Italy have had to make some drastic changes to their back row in light of the recent injuries to Zanni and Parisse. Both will be missed sorely, they are quality operators. Unfortunately, I can’t see the replacements, Joshua Furno (6) and Robert Barbieri (8) filling the large boots left behind by their predecessors. Parisse is truly the heart and soul of this Italian side and is their primary ball carrier, a fitting role for their spiritual leader.

Italy will be hurting without the bald bastard.

Ireland have brought in Gerber Baby candidate and vowel-monger Iain Henderson to fill for the injured O’Mahoney. At 1.98m and 115kg Henderson is a tall but athletic and somewhat surprisingly mobile unit. While he does not have the same chops at the breakdown as O’Mahoney he is a strong ball carrier and his added height and limber frame will add another dimension to the Irish line out.

Speaking of the line out, this will be the primary platform on which I expect Ireland to play their game. I would not be surprised at all if we see a very similar set of tactics as to what was employed against Wales.

Italy’s line out was a bit dysfunctional last round, losing 20% of their line outs to a Scottish line out which has been fairly heinous so far this tournament. Ireland will be licking their chops at the prospect of some more kick-drive-try rugby against a vulnerable line out.

Wholesale changes to the Italian back row only serve to reinforce this vision.

The Backs

Italy has also done some chopping and changing in the backs as well, with Tito Tebaldi coming in at 9 and the menace himself, Luciano Orquera coming in at 10. Orquera should bring a better kicking game from the tee and out of hand compared to what Tomasso Allan has been dishing up so far this tournament.

Ireland have been the most disciplined side so far in this Six Nations tournament though, so he may not get too many chances to take a shot.

Michele Campagnaro will be keen to stretch his legs and show off some of the footballing skills that we all know he has now. Whether or not the forwards will be able to lay a platform, and the halves deliver from this platform, is a huge uncertainty. The best outside backs in the world can look remarkably average when they are getting slow ball in a congested backfield.

Ireland return their full back line, including the thought-to-be-injured Sexton. As long as his thumb can stay attached to his hand I’d expect to see Sexton having a fair crack at the line with some regularity and really challenging the Italian inside backs and forwards cover to try and create space for the men outside him.

That said, I’m not totally convinced Ireland are fielding the best back line to make the most of Sextons attacking ability at the moment. This Irish back line desperately needs to “click” before they head to Paris, where they will be fighting to break a decades-old hoodoo.

Ireland will want to put as many points on the board as possible though, this Six Nations could easily be decided by points difference.

The Prediction

It’s more a question of “how much” than it is “who”, Ireland by 15+.

Scotland v. France

The Forwards

Well, it only took Scott Johnson two months to figure out what the best back row for Scotland is! With Brown at 7, Beattie at 6 and Denton at 8 hopefully Scotland will be able to spread the carrying across the back row and mix up their attack a little. Bashing with Denton 20 times a game was not, and was never going to work.

Jim Hamilton proved himself to be a defensive liability once again last round, missing 4 of 7 tackles. There’s absolutely no reason for teams not to target him right now.

Geoff Cross at tight head prop should be a step up for Scotland based on his play coming off the bench against Italy (who have a disproportionately strong scrum even without Lo Cicero). Lowe was quite underwhelming for mine this Six Nations so this should at least help stabilize the Scottish scrum.

The French scrum was criminally bad last round against Wales, but this was likely a bit of an aberration, although the Murrayfield pitch may have the final say this weekend.

France will be missing Nyanga badly at 7 and Picamoles at 8, with Alexandre Lapandry and Damien Chouly filling in for the two respectively.

In a baffling decision, Sebastian Vahaamahina (have fun with that one, commentators…maybe just settle for “Yamaha”?) has been named at 6 for France. I’m not sure if PSA has forgotten that there are only supposed to be two locks on the field, or if I’m just deluding myself into think he isn’t completely nuts.

At 2.03m and nearly 130k good old Yamaha isn’t exactly the most mobile unit around. But, of course, it will be pissing rain and windy when the teams face off at Murrayfield. Whether or not this translates into the entire game being slowed, or Yamaha having his exhaust pipe clogged with mud and puttering out on the field remains to be seen.

The Backs

Scotland return an unchanged back line from Italy. Alex Dunbar will be licking his lips at the prospect of another big game and honestly with him and Matt Scott lining up against Maxime Mermoz for France he may well get another meat pie if the Scottish halves can figure out a way to move the ball.

Mermoz is another just completely baffling selection by PSA. He has a nifty highlight reel and can be a mercurial player (what is it with the French, seriously) at his best but is rarely at his best and when he isn’t is fairly average and a questionable defender. The selection is doubly bizarre as it means Gael Fickou remains on the bench instead of you know actually playing some damn rugby before the World Cup.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, as PSA has named Maxime Machenaud at 9, replacing the piss-poor service from Doussain that has clogged the French back line for the entirety of the tournament so far. You can have the best forward pack this side of a rugby-based Space Jam remake but if your 9 is taking trips to the Basque Coast in between rucks your backs aren’t going much of anywhere.

Oh yeah, and naturally the out of form Maxime Medard has been parachuted in at the expense of Bonneval, who was actually performing above the other French backs in his recent games – as you do.

Hopefully Machenaud will actually, you know, do scrumhalf stuff and make some space for the bigger French runners such as the increasingly portly Mathieu Bastareaud.

The Prediction

I’m feeling lucky, Scotland by 3+!

England v. Wales

**England has not named a starting line up yet so I’m going to speculate as best I can, apologies if I’m wrong on anything

The Forwards

My personal feelings about England aside, their forward pack is playing very well right now. They are especially effective in the loose and at the breakdown where they hunt like a pack of wolves, playing as a much greater whole than the sum of their individual parts.

In the form of Hartyley, Lawes, Launchbury, Morgan, Robshaw and Mako Vunipola they possess a wealth of very effective ball running options, and these guys aren’t any slouches on defense either. I’m pretty sure I saw Lawes kill a guy in a tackle once.

The aggression of the forwards-led blitz that England has been employing and the sheer speed with which they realign and reset has been nothing short of incredibly impressive. This pattern will do a lot to stop some of the big Welsh forwards such as Hibbard from bashing their way over up close and facilitating Gatlandball.

Not like any of that will stop the Welsh pack from throwing the kitchen sink at them.

The set pieces are likely where true forward dominance will be established by either team. England will look to pressure the line out while Wales will be looking to scrummage England straight into the North Sea. Whereas England should enjoy a decent advantage at the line outs, Wales will expectedly have a massive edge at scrum time.

After losing 4 of 9 scrums to Ireland in the last round and watching the Welsh scrum demolish the French, England have very good reason to be worried. This becomes compounded by the robotic kicking on Leigh Halfpenny. It’s been a minute since his kicking has really been the big factor in a win for the Welsh, that could easily change this weekend. If England slams the front door shut like they did against Ireland, Wales will be looking to milk scrum penalties for points all day long.

The Backs

Wales finally have their preferred center combination playing again for what feels like the first time in ages. Jiffy Jr. is a player who has always shown a lot of promise, but who really began to grow into his own before his pectoral tear late last year.

If he can recapture some of that form he will be giving England headaches for 80 minutes. Likewise, Jamie Roberts will be testing the shaky defense of Billy Twelvetrees early and often. Roberts punching up over the middle is a crucial component to the witch’s brew that is Gatlandball. Surely none of Gatland, Roberts, Twelvetrees (or yourself) have forgotten the shellacking that Matt Toomua gave to Twelvetrees in the Fall.

The defensive understanding between Davies and Roberts will also be crucially beneficial for Wales.

Mike Brown will likely continue his remarkable streak of form and should do well to facilitate the young wingers on either side of him. Johnny May has genuine pace and if he gets a sniff at the time I highly doubt he will be dropping the ball over it this time around.

The Prediction

This is a tough one, England by 5+.