This week in Dismal: Reds Special

WARNING: TWISTED MIND AT WORK (ED.)

“Hello everyone, I’m Richard Graham and welcome to
The Queensland Reds Gala Ball for 2015!

“First of all, I’d like to thank the Wollongong Working Men’s Club here in sunny Sydney for very kindly agreeing to host this years Queensland Reds Gala Ball. Some might say a venue closer to Queensland itself might have been more suitable but frankly, I had some issues booking any sort of venue at all in and around the greater Queensland/Western Australia/Darwin/Perth/Tasmania area.

Well then. What a great year it was! Yes, we had a few ups and downs but frankly I feel vindicated as the head coach when I see all the Reds players that we managed to get into the Wallabies squad this year. Personally, I think 2016 is shaping up as a very exciting year. We have a world class inside halves pairing of Will Genia and Quade Cooper. They will greatly complement the pace and power of James O’Connor out wide. And in the forwards we have the very exciting prospect Liam Gill and the ever-reliable James Horwill. What an engine room! I beg your pardon? No, I will not ‘sit down and shut up.’ Besides, for some reason this Gala Ballroom appears to be entirely bereft of chairs. It must be in readiness for the Gala Ball Dancing to come later, once the other guests arrive.

“Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, 2016. Oops, thats my cellphone, just a second, it’s my mother I have to take this. ‘Yes. Yes, mum. I understand. OK. Umm, mum? Is that John’s voice I hear in the background? Mr Connolly, is that you? Oh. OK. Just the wind. OK mum. Bye.’ Sorry about that, everyone. Turns out my mum can’t come tonight. She says she’s busy having her pipes cleaned AAAAH, JESUS, my face, why did you throw that at me, aghhh, I’m bleeding, that was a full pint glass you maniac, quick someone call an ambu

Rugby player gets up off sofa in Hamilton to enter stoush.

–NZ Herald–

All Black squad member Liam Messam surprisingly entered a melee during the 2nd Bledisloe test match in Auckland after seeing it begin to develop while he was watching the game on telly from the comfort of his sofa in Hamilton.

As for his All Black teammates, none of them were surprised in the slightest to see Messam turn up in the centre of the scrap. “As soon as things started getting a bit tetchy early on I knew Liam would be up off the sofa in Hamilton and be en-route to Eden Park” said teammate Brodie Retallick.

When queried as to how he managed to get from Hamilton to Auckland so quickly, Messam said he commandeered a helicopter, telling the pilot to “get out bro, I need to commandeer this for official All Black business.”

Queensland Reds Board Reappoint Richard Graham after he promises them “unlimited access” to biggest drug warehouse in all of Australia.

“You freaks will not believe this goddamn place. Are you high off the fumes yet? What about now? Holy shit, I think I am!”

“Moth-er-fuck-er! Wake and bake my mofos!”

“Forget the stupid rugby. I will get you all wasted instead.”

“Haha! Get down from there! We have not even started smoking yet and you are already a stoned motherfucker!”

“Colonel Carmichael. You can hold onto me. It’s ok. We are already stoned on the future days of tomorrow. Whatever that means.”

“Holy shit! I think I am already having a drug-addiction vision of the 2016 season! It must be the fumes! The colours! The colours!”

“Is our Queensland Reds flag in there? Do we even have one? What about now? Where is our flag? So high I can’t see shit!”

“Attention, Suncorp motherfuckers! I have good news! We now have enough marijuana tobacco for all of you too! Wake and bake, my mofos! Peace out!”

“What the fuck. Can you drongos in the back even hear us? We smoked the whole lot last night. In the parlour. Suncorp is closed today. Go home.”

“So wasted right now.”
“Stupid dick. The board smoked the whole season’s supply of marijuana last night. We weren’t even there.”
“I am definitely renewing my season membership if it means more marijuana that we didn’t get any of last night.”

“I am pretending Coach Graham gave me this marijuana cigarette. You should try it too. This drug delirium is awesome. How big does that anchor look to you?”