Hello commoners & welcome to Friday!
I know I should care about Kiwi & PP sides and I do, in so much as that I care only when they play Australian sides and are likely to lose, other than that I have ‘care factor zero’ in the trials, tribulations and machinations of the lesser rugby nations. So with that in mind, today let’s dive deep into each of the five Aussie sides and look at their squads and scientifically proven places, within the Oz rankings for season 2022.
Then round it all out with with Friday’s Fast 5 Bonus the real reason behind the Australian Christian Lobby government’s mothballing of the ‘Religious – Freedom to Discriminate Bill’ otherwise known as ‘Izzy’s List Legislation’.
The battle for minor placings.
We all know when it comes to Aussie sides in SRPP the real contest is in the playoff for 2nd to 5th place.
Tahs will get #1 in a canter and after that, who really cares? Well, apart for some of the riff-raff on here anyway. That’s how 2022 will play out. With a new coach, new dynamic and new culture at Team Tahs this year, along with the return of the prodigal ‘3 Hs’ – Hooper, Hanigan & Holloway first place to the Tahs in the Oz conference is a fait accompli.
The 2022 Oz conference winner’s squad can be found here.
But, in deference to the simple folk on G&GR, who through sheer misfortune or poor breeding don’t reside in NSW nor (gasp) follow the Tahs, let’s run the ‘Hossometer’ over your sides chances for finishing 2nd to 5th from a strictly Oz team perspective for 2022 season proper.
#2 The Queensland People’s Republic of Queensland (‘QPQR’) side – The Communists.
I am an unabashed Red’s fan. Since day #1 I have been a fan of The Padre as coach. He took on a squad of talented, yet undisciplined young men, made what were some big calls at the time on some senior players and largely fashioned these young men into his own likeness. Tough, hard working, humble, fit, physically abrasive and always up for the contest.
Sprinkle that with some seasoning of rugby street-smarts & wisdom from the likes of Jon Snow (James O’Connor) and a coaching group of vast experience and the Reds will usually find a way to stay in the hunt and often steal the cookies in the shadows of full time.
Squad depth too is a real strength of The Communists. They have forward power & depth a-plenty with a back row squad consisting of the likes of Wright, Dirty Harry Wilson, McReight, Scott-Young (one of my bolters for Gold this year & beyond), Uru, Solokaia-Loto & more!
Not too shabby in the fairies either with Tate ‘Billy the kid’ McDermott, Jon Snow, ‘The Squatter’ Hunter Paisami, Jordan ‘of Nazareth’ Pataia. Daugunu, Vunivalu – it really is an embarrassment of riches and if not for the might, class, polish and steel of my Tahs, they would understandably top the Oz conference again.
Full Reds Mens squad here
#3 The Puppy Killers, The ‘Ted Bundy’ of Australian Rugby – The ACT Brumbies
When I read a few weeks back that The Ponies intended to play ‘running rugby’, with ‘ball in hand’ I may have laughed out loud.
Let’s be honest, the ONLY time the Brumbies will run the Gilbert this season is when the forwards run from line out to line out for a rolling maul-athon. There is more chance of free and fair elections being Held by Vlad Stalin Putin and Chinese leader and human rights activist ‘He Who Pings’ then those from the sex capital of the Southern Hemisphere (Parliament House) running the ball like the mythical era of Gregan / Larkham and co.
Sure, the Ponies are not without their strengths. An all Wallaby front row and a full set of Wallaby locks & loosies. In young Noah Lolesio there is the raw material to make a potential long-term gold #10. Outside him at #13 Len ‘Fergie’ Ikatau, that even this rusted on Tahs fan admits could be our Orange #13 for some time and has the makings of a very ‘complete’ player. Out wide there is pace-a-plenty, experience and skill, intermingled with a high propensity for self-destruction and I’d suggest keeping the Benny Hill soundtrack ready when it does implode. At the back they are ably served by Tom ‘Bastards’ Banks. A seasoned SR #15 who is reliable and safe, but for mine not yet secured the Orange #15 jersey (the form of Jordan of Nazareth @ 15 will make for interesting viewing this year).
At home in the soulless, barren wasteland that is the ACT they are always a challenge and will always be near the pointy end of any competition, but beat the Reds or Tahs for top spot and play ‘running rugby’ at the same time? I’ve heard many a pork-pie originate out of the ACT, but that’s right up there with ‘no child shall live in poverty’, well except for the really poor ones anyway.
I predict like a dog returns to its vomit, so the Ponies will return, at first obstacle, to 80 minutes of the rugby equivalent of tv coverage of a ‘Senate estimates committee’, rolling mauls.
Yawn. The Ponies squad can be found here
#4 The side from The Hermit Kingdom – The Western Farce
Look, everyone likes a ‘toiler’.
You see ’em at wedding tables all over Australia. They sit towards the back of the room in the dark. Everyone, but them, understand they were never supposed to be invited. But your mum insisted they be invited and they’re her second cousins from the side of the family whose cousins mated and had children. Everyone makes an effort to make them feel special & wanted, but the cold reality is they’re ‘seat fillers’ and once the big do is finished they’ll go back to their caves or shanty towns around Perth and hunt goats or kill cats or whatever it is they do in the West. No wonder they keep the borders closed.
Which brings me to the Farce.
Again the stories of stellar recruitment, tight bonds, and chutzpa of the coaches is terrific, heart-warming, page-filling stuff. There’s the strident belief that ‘this is the year’, another season of promise, potential, of gain, of triumph and celebration. Then of course the whistle for season kick-off blows and with that comes all the laden brutality of a cat cruelly toying with a dim-witted mouse and the team of ‘triers’ once again cast their eyes to ‘season next’ with unwavering belief that once again it ‘could be our year’. As legendary Aussie band ‘Splut Unz’ said ‘Hustory nuva ruppits’ unless you’re the Farce that is.
They will be ‘brave’, they will be ‘unlucky’, they will be 4th.
Western Farce squad here
#5 Rebel Scum.
Who cares. Last & by some distance.
For the two Rebel fans on here – the squad can be found here
Friday’s Fast 5 Bonus
Show me the money!
What’s scarier than ‘The Abattoir’, Nella Tupou running at you with the Gilbert tucked under his wing? Nella Tupou doing that for a club side in France – that’s what.
At just 25yo and with his best years as a prop AHEAD of him he would be mad not to test his value on the open market. Similarly RA would be bonkers not to table an offer worth seven figures pa to this young man whose value transcends the playing field and spreads far and wide inspiring the next gen of plus-sized humans to our code.
I’ve already started a crowd funding page and personally contributed Mars bars, a lifetime supply of Steggles chicken, a gold Pizza Hut coupon AND a copy of my autobiography ‘Inhosspitable – Prison & Me’ (half ’50 shades of grey’, half a prison almanac) to help keep the big man on golden shores.
You can contribute cash to the ‘Save Nella Foundation’ here #thisisnotascamtrustme
Good read from SMH here
Rennie Reckoner.
Wallabies coach big Moses Rennie is singing a sweet tune to this punter’s ears. He has told planetrugby that he expects a ‘much more settled’ Wallaby squad for 2022 as they bed down the players, the style of play and cohesion needed to go deep at the RWC 23 and beyond. About bloody time.
Super Mario calls time.
News out of Rugby.com.au that everyone’s favourite Argie, Mario Ledesma, has called time on his coaching with Los Pumas. Humble to the very end big Des says “We’ve always seen a progression and an improvement and we didn’t see that last year,” Ledesma said of a year in which the team won only three of their 12 games.
One of Rugby’s good guys I am sure he will bask in the glory that is 2022 Tahs throughout the year.
John Eales wins Michael Hooper Medal again!
Legendary Waratah AND possibly the best Wallabies skipper EVER, has won his 34th John Eales Medal as voted by his peers. Good read here from the SMH on Hoops being ‘closer to the end’ of his career, the ‘leave’ built into his current contract to prolong longevity and this plans for time he has left in Orange.
Well done captain, my captain.
Eddie Jones – rugby’s Barnaby Joyce?
So if you can call your boss on the record AND own up to it, a large lying, steaming pile of shite, who shags goats and brags about it (I made that bit up – he didn’t brag about it) and not get the bullet just what do you have to do to get your walking papers? rugbystuffnz.com asks the same about why one ‘Dr Evil’ Eddie Jones would also seem to be ‘unsackable’ as Soap Dodgers coach. Interesting.
Until next week – take it away, the one, the only, Mr Peter Allen.
Hoss.
