Greetings one, greetings all and welcome all to another Friday’s Rugby News. Time and circumstance are against me this week so, an abridged version of Friday’s News.
Today we ponder what the bloody hell is going on with the Wallabies attack in ‘Up Schmidt Creek?’ Preview our next test with ‘The Italian Job’. Run the rule through a bevvy of other tests this weekend with ‘Fill ya boots’ before farewelling another working week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, now available at all good illegal tobacco stores near you.
Up Schmidt Creek?
Sometimes you don’t want to watch, but then you can’t look away either: enter stage right, our Wallabies at Twickenanz. What a dog’s breakfast that was. It was harder to watch then a t-shirt presser with Sussan Ley. There was the endless box kicking the pill away, repeated penalties conceded, opponents marching relentlessly upfield. A #12 who attempts to sell more dummies than Baby Target. In fact if he wanted to catch the opposition D off guard, he’d actually pass the bloody thing, that’d fool everyone, even this fan. It would be a dummy on a dummy, or as they call it in Coinsland, ‘cousin cuddling’.
The game was like a bad rugby horror film. Backs who couldn’t catch. Halves who couldn’t organise any semblance of an attacking structure. Forwards with bewildering white line fever and endless pick and drives to glory (it didn’t work for 10 phases, so why would it work after 15?) And perhaps the world’s most dangerous attacking player in Mad Max Jorgo, with fewer ball touches than a 2GB staff Christmas party (allegedly). It was just plain stupefying to this fan.
The team looked flat, jaded, tired, short on ideas and lacking in fight and played accordingly. And if it weren’t for F-Mac and a clever/lucky intercept the score may’ve been uglier than a Kiwi’s family tree. Quite clearly the Wallabies were a distant third, and that in a two-horse race. So I ask, just who is jaded the most? A team, bereft of attacking nous? Or perhaps a coach with one eye on the exit?
If indeed St Joe is pulling the levers on attack, he’d best whip out some WD40 and unleash some of its vitalising viscosity, because the levers are stuck. When it comes to the cut and thrust of rugby offence, our lot are constipated. There’s no width. No deception, No changing of lines, decoy plays or manoeuvring opposition D around to create space, there’s nada, bupkis, nil, sweet Fanny Adams. There’s just a grouping of 15 in gold around the ball, kinda like under 6s playing soccer, or a gaggle of ‘gulls around a chip. Any Plan B seems to be to repeat Plan A, only this time with more oomph. By the way, Plan A is for the continued battering of opposition D in narrow channels by our forwards, or by anyone in gold for that matter. Anyone wonder why our team might be fatiguing a bit towards the end of the year?
To my eye the Wallabies have regressed substantially in the second half of the season. Let’s hope this week we see some more width, dare and creativity. Having Flash Gordon at #10 is certainly a step in that direction, albeit in his first run back for near 17 months. Otherwise, we might just all be up Schmidt’s creek by season’s end. Pass me the WD, will ya.
The Italian Job.
Italy v Australia. Bluenergy Stadium. Sunday, 9 November 4:00am (4:40am kick off) AEDT on Stan.
There’s a certain charm and beauty to Italy. From the majesty of the Forum to the grandeur and history of the Catholics Clubhouse. The genius and artistry of the Sixteen Chapel to the sheer romance, beauty and engineering audacity of Venice. But, there’s also a sinister underbelly percolating just beneath the thin veneer of this charming host nation. There’s a visceral malignancy to the place; you can sense it, actually, you can feel it. Always lurking, always watching and always waiting to strike. Be it in a doorway, a crowded bus, or the heaving footpaths around the magnificent sites. Italy will invite you in, seduce you and then relieve you of a wallet, jewellery or handbag. Or, in the case of former-former Wallabies coach, Dave ‘Moses’ Rennie, your livelihood. So for this week’s match, the Wallabies have everything to lose and not a whole lot to gain. And that’d be so very Italian: a sunny day, a beautiful city and, if you’re not switched on, a brutal daylight mugging.
Surely, the expectation of every Australian rugby fan for this test is the Wallabies win, and win well. So what would be an acceptable outcome within that victory look like? Would a more polished and clinical attacking outing yielding five tries be a pass mark? Should we look for more width, cohesion and flair in attack? Do we dare hope for a better pack performance from the forwards as opposed to leave it to Beaver (F-Mac) and hope he makes another 16 steals and 32 turnovers? Can we whet our attacking appetites with more than just the hope of another intercept try?
St Joe has tinkered with his side to face Italy. As expected, Flash Gordon returns to gold for the first time since June 2024. Flash is one of two backline changes with Corey Toole the other, returning for a rested Mad Max Jorgo, who’d be exhausted after his two touches last week. In the meat eaters, Matt Faessler returns to the starting side and the side welcomes back, for mine, our best forward this year in Tom ‘Mongo’ Hooper, pushing Sideshow Bob to the pine. Bob will sit alongside Pete Samu, himself inline for his first test since 2023. Surprisingly, John Eales Medallist and Eddie Jones Fan Club president, Lenny Ikitau, misses out altogether. I could possibly accept the omission if Sticky had been outside the setup for a few months but, that’s not the case and seems an odd call. And as Moses Rennie might attest, we would want to be at full strength against these coach-killing Azzurri.
For mine, just having Mongo Hooper back gives me real spring in my step. Add in the flair and skill of Flash Gordon and he could unlock our threats out wide. That’s as long as the Commissioner gives him the ball and doesn’t box kick the living shite out of it, again.
Fearless Prediction: The Wallabies with a five tries to three win and a 17 point margin. It simply must be thus.
Italy (15-1): Ange Capuozzo; Louis Lynagh, Juan Ignacio Brex (capt), Tommaso Menoncello, Monty Ioane; Paolo Garbisi, Stephen Varney; Lorenzo Cannone, Manuel Zuliani, Ross Vintcent; Andrea Zambonin, Niccolo Cannone; Simone Ferrari, Giacomo Nicotera, Danilo Fischetti
Replacements: Tommaso DI Bartolomeo, Mirco Spagnolo, Marco Riccioni, Federico Ruzza, Alessandro Izekor, Martin Page-Relo, Tommaso Allan, Leonardo Marin
Australia (15-1): Andrew Kellaway; Corey Toole, Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii, Hunter Paisami, Harry Potter; Carter Gordon, Jake Gordon; Harry Wilson (capt), Fraser McReight, Tom Hooper; Jeremy Williams, Nick Frost; Taniela Tupou, Matt Faessler, Angus Bell
Replacements: Billy Pollard, Aidan Ross, Zane Nonggorr, Rob Valetini, Pete Samu, Ryan Lonergan, Tane Edmed, Filipo Daugunu
Match Officials: Referee: Andrew Brace (IRFU) Assistant Referee 1: Hollie Davidson (SRU) Assistant Referee 2: Sam Grove-White (SRU) TMO: Olly Hodges (IRFU) FRPO: Leo Colgan (IRFU)
Fill ya boots.
Ireland v United Nations of Japan. Somewhere in Guinnessville. Saturday, 8th November 11:30pm AEDT on Stan. Ireland by 83.9.
Haggis Luvvas v Sheep Shaggers. Murrayfield Fracking Compound. Sunday, 9 November 1:30am AEDT. Mutton maulers by 23 and the ‘Grin Slim’ half complete.
George Ford XV v Fiji. Twickenanz Stadium. Sunday, 9 November 4:30am AEST. Fiji by 1. It would be just so British to underestimate those fortunate enough to share the field with them.
WWII Participation Award Holders v The Dutch Dirt Farmers. Stade de France, Sunday 9 November 7:00am AEDT on Stan. This could be something rather special folks and at a reasonable viewing time for us down under. Frogs by 8. Vive les Bleus.
Wales v Los Pumas: Principality Stadium Cardiff. Monday, 10 November 2:00am AEDT. Rees-Zammit to announce his retirement at half-time to pursue his dream of playing ice hockey for Washington. Argies by 35.
Friday’s Goss’ with Hoss.
Odd squads.
The 2026 SRP squads have been announced at rugby.com.au. If you look closely at the QPRQ lot you’ll see they have more #10s than Torville & Dean. Warehousing much! And before you start, it’s far too early to announce the Tahs as probable favourites. Let’s wait till 1 January next year to do that.
The Professor Pontificates.
Interesting insight from the SMH’s Professor Payten on this week’s Inside Line on Stan. It seems our World Rugby rank anguish may be a tad misplaced. The Professor explained that, as the host nation, the Wallabies will automatically be in Pool A. ‘So what’ you ask? Well, with the additional four sides in RWC2027 there’s now a round of 16 before the QFs. And for the top two teams in Pool A, they go on to both play a second placed team from other pools. So, rip, spit or bust, the Wallabies will play a second placed side (and likely not a top #6 ranked side) to make the QFs. Even then, they’re unlikely to meet a top #6 side until the SFs.
Simples.
Scott free
Red card recidivist and, unsurprisingly, Kiwi skipper Scott Barrett, has enacted a 6 month non-playing sabbatical clause in his SRP contract and will just plain ‘take a break’ from SRP next season. Barrett might target the later rounds of SRP to return while he simply rests and recovers from the rigours of rugby. Sounds like a smart decision for mine.
Cooked early.
I love the candour of the Big Fella Nella Tupou; he was very honest in telling the SMH he felt ‘cooked’ during the warm up before the Pommy test. However, it was his best outing in gold this year, and by some margin. He seemed free of the dark clouds that have troubled him for a spell. So maybe turn up the oven again for this one big man and go hard for another 45 minutes. It was great to see him play well and even better to see him appear more comfortable in his own skin. Go well, TT.
Look closer.
Great to see Scottish ref Hollie Davidson as AR1 for the Wallabies match. I’d go as far to say that Davidson is the best ref in all of rugby at present, bar none. I immensely enjoy watching games she officiates. Outstanding communicator. Calm, not pedantic and with an exceptional feel for the game. Don’t be surprised to see more of Davidson in the next few years, including the men’s RWC2027.
Bald & Beautiful XV
We ran a poll a few weeks back inviting you to pick your all time Bald & Beautiful World XV and I forgot to publish the results. Big shout out to some rooster (with an email ending in smh.com) for continually nominating Peter FitzSimons across all XV positions, and for the role of captain as well. The final side chosen by you ain’t half bad. Thank you to those who voted.
Bald & Beautiful XV: 1. Dan Cole. 2. Keith Wood. 3. Owen Franks 4. Nathan Sharpe. 5. Peter FitzSimons 6. Scott Fardy. 7. Senator Poey 8. Sergio Parisse. 9. George Gregan. 10. Felipe Contepomi 11. Jonah Lomu 12. Mike Tindall 13. Stirling Mortlock. 14. Wendell Sailor. 15 Gareth Thomas.
Until next week. Go you good things.
Hoss – out
