Greetings one and all and welcome to another Friday’s Rugby News. Today we jump straight in with ‘Joe & his JOC itch’. Pay our respects in ‘#thnx4nuttin’. Offer up an opinion piece with ‘Opinion’. Say farewell for now, with ‘You’re the voice: no more’. Head up north for ‘Four Play’. Ponder World Rugby ‘discipline’ with ‘Le Jaws’ before farewelling the working week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, looking forward to increased property values when the Ponderosa becomes ‘beachside’ in 2050. Burn that coal peoples, burn that coal.
Joe & his JOC itch.
For the record, I am not an international rugby coach (despite most on here agreeing I probably should be) but, if I was I doubt I’d send my only experienced #10, who is already 35 years old at that, half way around the world on Monday and call him to fly back the following Thursday (travelling 51,000km in the process) for a massive test match the following week!
I’m a huge St Joe fan; he’s a deep thinker and cunning tactician and no doubt us mere mortals aren’t privy to our rugby overlord’s inner machinations, but this one just seems bat-spit crazy. Especially so as Will Skelton has been overlooked due to club and logistic issues. However, Skelton ‘could’ be called upon for Bledisloe #2 in Western Jo’burg, when should the Wallabies win at Eden Park. I guess Joe just has a JOC itch he needed to scratch.
Anyhoo, the Wallaby squad to face the Saffa roadkill is:
Forwards (19) Allan Alaalatoa, Angus Bell, Josh Canham, Nick Champion de Crespigny, Nick Frost, Tom Hooper, Fraser McReight, Josh Nasser, Zane Nonggorr, Brandon Paenga-Amosa, Billy Pollard, Tom Robertson, Lukhan Salakaia-Loto, James Slipper, Carlo Tizzano, Taniela Tupou, Rob Valetini, Jeremy Williams, Harry Wilson
Backs (15): Filipo Daugunu, Tane Edmed, Jake Gordon, Len Ikitau, Max Jorgensen, Andrew Kellaway, Ryan Lonergan, Tom Lynagh, Tate McDermott, James O’Connor, Hunter Paisami, Harry Potter, Hamish Stewart, Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii, Corey Toole
#thnx4nuttin
Not to be confused with the top trending adults only Kiwi thread of #thnx4mutton (#ewesolgrlzrok, #stuffindamutton) but instead a big Aussie ‘thanks for nothin’ to those dirty rotten South Africans for poking the the NZ rugby bear while it slumbered soundly on earthen floors. With visons of Richie and former glorious deeds dancing like sugar plums, across the void that lies within.
We all know the Kiwis hate losing at the best of times. But a record loss on home soil, to their ‘greatest rival’ (I thought a Kiwi’s greatest rival would’ve been Year 4 mathematics, but there you have it). An inauspicious win record (by Kiwi standards) of 15 wins from 21 matches for coach Scott ‘Razor (as in hangin’ onto his role by a razor thin margin) Robertson. Third place world ranking (apparently they can only get #1 when we win and help them out). Third in the RC, and hardly the scary Dark Lords of yore is surely enough to energise those across the dutch and make us pay for the Saffas’ sins.
We all expect a Kiwi ‘bucklish’ (a stewed sheep dish with yam and a choko sauce?) when we face them next week, but maybe, just maybe, they ain’t that good no more. And before some half-witted, rugby moron starts writing about this being ‘our year’, ‘how destiny awaits’, or any other lazy, clickbait tripe, how ’bout we all just keep our powder dry a bit longer shall we.
Opinion: Why we’ll win the Bledisloe this year.
The signs are obvious. We top the RC table. We won at altitude for the first time in 200 years and whichever way you look at it, legally, ethically, morally, we also won the Lions series. So it’s been a pretty good season so far, a year of firsts even. Which dovetails beautifully into the chance to be the first Wallabies side to win at Eden Park this century and the first to win the Bledisloe back since before records were kept. It’s simply our time, it’s the vibe.
As JFK famously said: ‘Will I see you after dinner Marilyn?’ “If not us, who? If not now, when?” Works for me.
You’re the voice: no more.
And so the ref’s mic falls silent. Again. News this week that now 70 cap Wallaby veteran and #1 competitor Nic ‘The Lip’ White has officially-officially retired, again, but this time for good. I said it after his first retirement that I’m an unabashed fan of ‘Whitey’. I loved the competitor spirit, I loved that he demanded the same from those around him. I loved that the gold jersey meant so much to him and he conveyed same so succinctly with his farewell message, a photo of his jersey and the caption: ‘F**k, I am gonna miss this’.
We’ll miss you as well, Mr White, and thank you.
Four Play.
The RWC has reached the pointy end with the world’s top #4 sides through to the semi-finals this weekend:
Saturday, 20 September: New Zealand v Canada. Ashton Gate Stadium Bristol. 4:00am AEST on Stan.
Should be a cracking game. The Fannucken Cannuckens are #2 in the world and have an excellent forward pack and speed across the backs. They’ll be further boosted with news that the Kiwis are without superstar Sevens convert, Jorja Miller. While her injury is ‘unspecified’, Miller played half a match against the Bok with a heavily strapped knee and didn’t return after halftime.
Fearless Prediction: ANZAC bonds apply, Black Ferns by 6.
BLACK FERNS (1-15): Chryss Viliko, Georgia Ponsonby, Tanya Kalounivale, Maia Roos, Alanan Bremner, Liana Mikaele-Tu’u, Kennedy Tukuafu (cc), Kaipo Olsen-Baker, Risi Pouri-Lane, Ruahei Demant (cc), Portia Woodman-Wickliffe, Sylvia Brunt, Stacey Waaka, Braxton Sorensen-McGee, Renee Holmes
Replacements: Atlanta Lolohea, Kate Henwood, Amy Rule, Chelsea Bremner, Layla Sa’e, Maia Joseph, Theresa Setefano, Ayesha Leti-I’iga
CANADA (1-15): McKinley Hunt, Emily Tuttosi, DaLeaka Menin, Sophie de Goede, Courtney O’Donnell, Caroline Crossley, Karen Paquin, Fabiola Forteza, Justine Pelletier, Taylor Perry, Asia Hogan-Rochester, Alexandra Tessier, Florence Symonds, Alysha Corrigan, Julia Schell
Replacements: Gillian Boag, Brittany Kassil, Olivia DeMarchant, Tyson Beukeboom, Laetitia Royer, Gabrielle Senft, Olivia Apps, Shoshanah Seumanutafa
Sunday, 21 September: England v France. Ashton Gate Stadium Bristol. 12:30am AEST on Stan.
Talk about a spicy meatball of a match. Centuries of war, BREXIT, Peugeots and warm beers, these nations just don’t get along on the sporting field and this fixture will be no exception. The female Soap Dodgers have been unbeaten for 31 matches in a row. In fact, their last loss was the previous RWC final when the Ferns got the chocolates. Having said that, Les femme Frogs ran them real close in this years 6N, which the English won 43-42.
Well travelled Kiwi coach John Mitchell has to be congratulated. He has the England team not only successful, but playing a high skilled and attractive brand of rugby that I truly enjoy watching, and I reckon they’ll be too good for the French.
Fearless Prediction: England by 21, Destiny awaits.
ENGLAND: 15 Ellie Kildunne; 14 Abby Dow, 13 Megan Jones, 12 Tatyana Heard, 11 Jess Breach; 10 Zoe Harrison, 9 Natasha Hunt; 1 Hannah Botterman, 2 Amy Cokayne, 3 Maud Muir, 4 Morwenna Talling, 5 Abbie Ward, 6 Zoe Aldcroft (captain), 7 Sadia Kabeya, 8 Alex Matthews.
Replacements: 16 Lark Atkin-Davies, 17 Kelsey Clifford, 18 Sarah Bern, 19 Rosie Galligan, 20 Maddie Feaunati, 21 Lucy Packer, 22 Holly Aitchison, 23 Helena Rowland
FRANCE: 1 Ylane Brosseau, 2 Agathe Gerin, 3 Rose Bernadou, 4 Madoussou Fall Raclot, 5, Hina Ikahehegi, 6 Charlotte Escudero, 7 Lea Champon, 8 Teani Feleu, 9 Pauline Bourdon Dansus, 10 Carla Arbez, 11 Marine Menager, 12 Gaby Vernier, 13 Nassira Menager, 14 Joanna Grisez, 15 Morgane Bourgeois
Replacements: 16 Kelly Arbey, 17 Elisa Riffonneau, 18 Annaelle Deshaye, 19 Assia Khalfaoui, 20 Taina Maka, 21 Seraphine Okemba, 22 Alexandra Chambon, 23 Lina Tuy
Le Jaws.
We’re used to squirrel grips, eye gouging, stomping, king hits and the like, but flagrant French fang work is pretty merde even by their chequered standards. So it transpired when French flanker, Axelle ‘Foley’ Berthoumieu, bit sumptuously named Oirish player, Aoife Wafer, in their last RWC pool player.
Disgust and shock echoed around the rugby world with Berthoumieu cited for biting Wafer and, while the flanker accepted the foul play (bloody hard not to, have a look at the photo again), she appealed the initial 12-match ban (down from a starting point of 18 weeks) and has been successful in having the ban further reduced to 9 weeks because of her ‘clean previous disciplinary record, remorse and public apology’. One feels she should appeal again and perhaps get off completely and Wafer found guilty and suspended for being named after a food, thus enticing Axelle Foley to bite her in the first place! Frigging Irish.
Gotta love World Rugby ‘discipline’. Let’s look for reasons not to punish offenders instead huh.
Friday’s Goss’ with Hoss.
Taking the puss a wee bit.
What does Nelson Mandela and Buck Shelford’s testicle have in common? Why possible reasons for the Kiwis’ record loss last week, that’s what. It didn’t take long for Kiwi humour to resurface after last week’s thumping. planetrugby.com has more.
Dick’s fetish.
It’s not only me who thinks the Nearlies are the Aztecs of rugby (once powerful, now extinct-ish). Richard Knowler of stuff.co.nz also thinks so.
What utter crap.
G&GR (and every other rugby media org. in the world) got a ‘special’ press release this week, ’embargoed’ to not run until a certain date. And the hot topic, the inside edge, the ground breaking piece of rugby news that is too precious to be whispered until a gazetted time? One of the Poms will have ‘world-first release of her personally designed boots’. Whoop-de-friggen-do. In other embargoed news, one of the Kiwis folds his toilet paper left-handed. Oh the humanity.
‘Sup cuz.
Calculators have sold out across NZ’s South Island and six-toed cousins are in high demand as Crusaders fans try to work out the sums on just how much 40% more is over their 2025 membership fees for their 2026 season tickets to their new stadium. stuff.co.nz has the details
Fracking Hell.
The Santos Festival of Rugby is on again this weekend. Some G&GR royalty will be in attendance with Happyman driving down to civilisation from Coinsland and Stephen Tremain also attending to capture the atmosphere with his brilliant photography. All details of the festival here. The feature match of the weekend will see the Waratahs and Reds facing off in Super AUS round #2.
On the other side of the planet, the Force host the Brumbies this Saturday at 2:00pm WST, which I believe is next Wednesday, 9:30am, real east coast time and not ‘who cares’ time.
Fantasy update.
Two rounds to go and Beerad has a handy lead.
Until next week: toodles
Hoss – out.
