Wasn’t I just here? Greetings one, greetings all and welcome to another Friday’s Rugby News. I hope you’re enjoying a spectacular jentacular and ready to join me as we tour the rugby cosmos.
We kick off this Friday looking at global rugby issues with ‘The Cup with no Beer.’ Then drop in stateside to check on the progress of a Red favourite in ‘Tariff this, Trump!’. Preview round #8 of SRP for ‘Less, with much more expected from Thor’. Check out SRW chances for ‘The Finals Countdown‘. And wrap up another rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss‘, now limiting my bourbon intake to only eight glasses a night in protest. Take that Seppos.
The Cup with no Beer.
News this week of a possible bid for the 2035 RWC from a conglomerate of Gulf states keen on hosting our sport’s premier global event. Of course, none of these states actually play rugby, but that would seem a minor inconvenience given the rather large financial carrot they might offer. Rather than waffle on, I thought I’d let Australian bush balladeer, poet and scholar, Mr Slim Dusty, instruct me. A 1, a 2, a 1-2-3…….
Oh it’s-a lonesome away from your kindred and all
Surrounded by deserts and funded by oil.
But there’s-a nothing so lonesome, morbid or drear
Than to be told by Khaled: ‘it’s a cup with no beer’.
No they don’t mind beheadings and torture and stuff.
But to have a few coldies is simply too much.
The Sheiks got all cranky and called Officer Tahir,
Oh what a terrible place is this cup with no beer.
So the local constabulary turn up in a ute.
They walk into the bar and threaten to shoot.
And the smiles on our faces soon disappear.
As a part-time Jihadist screams ‘this cup’s got no beer’.
Then a drunken Pommy FIFO says ‘sod this, I’m off’
He throws down his grog and walks out in a huff.
But the cops seen him drinking and all that we hear,
is ‘durka, durka, durka, the infidel’s drunk beer’.
Now there’s commotion a plenty as we watch on and wait
As the Sheik looks on drinking some wine with his mates.
He’s not bound by the rules, nor cringes in fear,
You see he owns global breweries, that churn out much beer.
And Mustafa our tour guide, he thinks we’re in strife,
And if they take him for questioning, well he won’t see his wife.
We take a side exit, to quickly leave here,
And he breaks out an esky, for the bus has some beer.
Oh it’s hard to believe that there’s still places like this,
with state sanctioned murders, yet they outlaw some piss.
For those at World Rugby who look ahead years,
please don’t hold the cup in a place with no beer.
Apologies Slim.
Tariff this, Trump!
Finally, some good news out of Seppoville that doesn’t involve fisting a friend. News yesterday former Red and 31 test cap Wallaby, Jordan Petaia, has been picked up by the padded princesses of the NFL. JP has signed with the Los Angeles Chargers after spending 10 weeks at Florida’s IMG Academy and undergoing a crash course in the coma-inducing ‘sport’.
rugby.com.au reports: Petaia, also chased by Atlanta, Cleveland and Kansas City, is seen as a smaller tight end by the Chargers, who were first to show their interest and hardest to chase after the Australian impressed at the University of South Florida’s Pro Day.
The specialist position is a hybrid between an offensive lineman and a receiver, set next to the offensive tackle and able to catch passes, block for other receivers or protect the quarterback.
Petaia’s vertical and broad jump results were elite at Pro Day but it was his natural instinct and reaction time during route runs that convinced scouts he was capable of playing a nuanced position rarely mastered by code-hoppers.
The 25-year-old knocked back lucrative European rugby and NRL offers – and the chance to feature for the Wallabies against the British & Irish Lions – to instead give up at least five months’ pay to pursue his NFL dream.
On behalf of all at G&GR, well done JP. Go well and stick it up ’em.
Less, with much more expected from Thor.
Happy had all the teams news in his Thursday News.
Friday 4 April 5:05 pm AEDT – Chiefs v Queensland Reds at FMG Stadium Waikato, Hamilton on Stan Sport
Top of the table clash, the best in Oz against the best of the Poxy Isles, both sides wanting to play high tempo, high octane rugby. But, you won’t outrun, outgas or outgun the Chiefs. You must outthink them. And to that end not starting Tom ‘Sleepy’ (Little Noddy) Lynagh might just miss a trick.
The Reds welcome back a whole heap of returning starters for this one while the Chiefs are jam packed with All Blacks. I’d love to see Sleepy get quality ball from their starting front row and unleash his 60m kicking game and pin the Chiefs deep and take some pace out of their game. Plus I was salivating at the thought of him going head-to-head with D-Mac from the get go. How good would that be?
The battle for #1 position is up for grabs and I’m taking the arvo off to be sufficiently lubricated and savour the match.
Fearless Prediction: Reds by 2. 38-36.
Referee: Nic Berry Assistant Referees: Damon Murphy, Angus Mabey TMO: Brett Cronan
Saturday 5 April 12:05 pm AEDT – Moana Pasifika v NSW Waratahs at North Harbour Stadium, Auckland on Stan Sport
Listening to Chuckles McKellar anyone would think Tongan Thor has been promoted to the bench from the starting XV as I was left pondering the ‘we need to get more from Nela’ comments from the coach. How do you get more from someone by requiring them to do less all the while paying them $1.2m a year? If so, are you hiring? I can do much, much less for more.
Now of course I understand you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. But, what happens when the target of the softly-softly eats all the honey, how you supposed to catch the flies then?
Speaking with Happyman and Sully on the ‘Talking Teams’ podcast on Wednesday night I agreed it was just a bad game for the Tahs against the Canes and not a bad sign as such. But within that bad game were some worrying bad signs from players the Tahs should expect more from. Chief among them, Mr Tupou, who looks disinterested, disengaged and disconnected. Should he fail to deliver in a reduced 30 minute bench cameo this weekend, you can also add another ‘dis’ to the list: discharged.
As for the rest of my beloved Tahs, I do have concerns about their ability to put 30 points on MP, because that’s what victory will take. The side sees the Ginger Ninja return and on the wing, Tristan Reilly and Lalakai Foketi back in the run-on side. Caitlyn Jenner starts at #15 and will be better for last week’s run and cobwebs blown out. Interesting that Tane Edmed has missed the matchday XXIII, with Jack Bowen getting a spot on the pine highway.
MP will be buzzing from their defeat of the Saders last week, but can they climb that emotional mountain and backup again?
Fearless Prediction: No they cannot. Tahs by one. Small steps.
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referees: Marcus Playle, Fraser Hannon TMO: Richard Kelly
Saturday 5 April 2:35 pm AEDT – Fijian Drua v Crusaders at HFC Bank Stadium, Suva on Stan Sport
The Drua are back in Fiji and while not Lautoka, home is still home. I don’t recognise a lot of the Crusaders forwards names and they have a reshuffled backline, with Sevu Reece playing #13 for example. The Saders were rolled and bowled by MP last week. They have several changes to their side and are flying to Fiji. Add all those things up and you only get one answer for mine.
Fearless Prediction: Fiji by 15.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referees: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw TMO: Glenn Newman
Saturday 5 April 5:05 pm AEDT – Blues v Hurricanes at Eden Park, Auckland on Stan Sport
Will the real Auckland Blues please stand up? Reading this week’s team list you realise just how many outstanding players they’ve had injured, and finally this week they have a side resembling their best on the field. And they need to too, lose this fixture and it the finals are just about Mission Impossible.
The Canes were simply electric last week, and as a team probably 9.5/10 for skill and execution. The man with the most Polynesian name in Super Rugby, Du’Plessis Kirifi, is perhaps the premier #7 in the competition, only just ahead of Mad Dog Tizzano and that other guy from the Reds. Cam Roigard is the best #9 and players like Asafo Aumua and Tyrel Lomax are no slouches either.
But I just can’t get past that Auckland side picked and should they click, it’s gonna get ugly. I can see this being a blowout score.
Fearless Prediction: Blues by 20.
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, Mike Winter TMO: Paul Williams
Saturday 5 April 7:35 pm AEDT – Western Force v Highlanders at HBF Park, Perth on Stan Sport and the Nine Network
The Force are back in the west having been the better side last week, but rolled by a better fighting team. The matchday XXIII of the Force, in my opinion, is one of the best, most complete teams I think the Force have ever trotted out. Williams and Swain are the premier locks in Australia. When it comes to tries Tizzano has scored more often than a Coalition minister with a staffer. Donno has been very consistent, The Lip has his groove back and then you have the excellent de Crispigny and co roughing up rival packs
The Landers are not without their own talent with de Groot, Tavatavanawai and Nareki among them. But they can switch off for big chunks of a game and a good side will punish them. And the Force are a good side.
Fearless Prediction: Force by 12.
Referee: Jordan Way Assistant Referees: Jeremy Markey, Graham Cooper TMO: James Leckie
The finals countdown.
Wow, that was quick! This weekend is the semi-finals of this year’s SRW competition. Interesting to hear Goog talk on ‘Inside Line’ about an expanded SRW domestic competition as a precursor to some form of AU/NZ women’s format. But first must come the coin from the Lions tour to help fund such ambition. However, Iain Payten made the astute observation that we host a women’s RWC in 29, so time is running out to get more games, experience and match skills into our ladies before the cup will be here.
Sunday 6 April 1:05 pm AEDT – Queensland Reds v Fijian Drua at Ballymore, Brisbane, on Stan Sport
The Reds have underwhelmed this year, but the Drua have a condensed travel schedule to overcome as well (see more below).
Fearless Prediction: Drua by 19. Still too classy.
REDS (1-15): Bree-Anna Browne, Tiarna Molloy, Eva Karpani, Tiarah Minns, Veneta Teutau, Jemma Bemrose (co-c), Carola Kreis, Sarah Riordan, Layne Morgan, Lori Cramer, Ivania Wong (co-c), Shalom Sauaso, Faythe Manera, Caitlin Urwin, Charlotte Caslick Reserves: Zophronia Setu, Cristo Taufua, Charli Jacoby, Deni Ross, Zoe Hanna, Nat Wright, Carys Dallinger, Piper Flynn
DRUA (1-15): Bitila Tawake, Keleni Marawa, Anasimeci Korovata, Mereoni Nakesa, Asinate Serevi, Alfreda Fisher, Salaseini Railumu, Karalaini Naisewa (c), Kolora Lomani, Salanieta Kinita, Alowesi Nakoci, Ema Adivitalonga, Vitalina Naikore, Repeka Tove, Luisa Tisolo Replacements: Isabella Koi, Loraini Senivutu, Tiana Robanakadavu, Nunia Daunimoala, Rusila Nagasau, Setaita Railumu, Merewairita Neivosa, Evivi Senikariv
Sunday 6 April 3:05 pm AEDT – NSW Waratahs v Western Force at Leichhardt Oval, Sydney, on Stan Sport
The Tahs found their mojo midway through this abridged season and are back in form. At home and settled they’ll be too strong for the Force and set up yet another Tahs v Drua final.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 16
WARATAHS (1-15): Bridie O’Gorman, Adiana Talakai, Faliki Pohiva, Kaitlan Leaney, Annabelle Codey, Leilani Nathan, Emily Chancellor, Piper Duck (c), Tatum Bird, Arabella McKenzie, Desiree Miller, Katrina Barker, Georgina Friedrichs, Maya Stewart, Waiaria Ellis Replacements: Millie Parker, Emily Robinson, Seneti Kilisimasi, Jayjay Taylor, Ruby Anderson, Martha Harvey, Caitlyn Halse, Jade Sheridan
FORCE (1-15): Megumi Takagi, Hera-Barb Malcolm Heke, Braxton Walker, Sera Naiqama, Michaela Leonard, Tamika Jones, Ashley Marsters, Pia Tapsell; Mio Yamanaka, Nicole Ledington, Brooklyn Teki Joyce, Trilleen Pomare (c), Cecilia Smith, Ngamihi Monk, Samantha Treherne Replacements: Madi Schuck, Hannah Palelei, Alapeta Ngauamo, Rosie Ebbage, Nami Dickson, Georgia Cormick, Sheree Hume, Halley Derera
Friday’s Goss with Hoss
Come for the rugby. Stay for the Ponderosa.
The Australian Rugby Shield has a new home from 2026 and it’s to be held just down the road from the Ponderosa, in Newcastle. A revised 14 team format will be held (up from 12) with state and regional sides fighting through pool play and placing rounds to determine a national men’s and women’s champion.
Contact me for rates for an exclusive Rugby Royalty Weekend Escape Package at the Ponderosa. Be regaled with a local walking tour of the back paddock, marvel at the overgrown Garden of Mystery self-guided adventure. And join the Cartwrights for arguments and infighting at The Feast of the Pheasant (reheated KFC). Inquire today.
Hurricaned.
The Hurricanes have reported a $700,000 NZD loss for 2024. This is an improvement on the $1.4m loss for 2023. stuff.co.nz reports the Canes are on a $1m capital raising exercise from existing shareholders because they have ‘a plan’. In other news I, too, have a plan (to live large and buy stuff), so if anyone would like to donate $1m to my campaign please email me or donate directly at #hosslovesstufftoo.
You cannot be serious!
The smh.com.au reports Fijiana Drua CEO, Mark Evans, being rather nonplussed with travel arrangements from RA regarding their semi-final this week and possible return travel arrangements should they make the final. In summary, should the Drua make the final they’ll fly home next Tuesday, have a training run Wednesday and then board the plane back to Oz on Thursday.
I get there’s economics, agreements and budgets, but there’s also equity, decency and common sense. RA have got so much right these past 18 months, surely if the Drua make the final sanity will prevail.
‘NOS’ ignites.
News yesterday that Lachlan ‘NOS’ Lonergan has re-signed with RA until the end of 2027. NOS, who is early days back from injury, is often forgotten about in the Wallaby conversation. But with his pace, work ethic and engine, he’ll be thereabouts come Lions time.
Sevens hits Singapore.
Our medal winning sides from Honk Kong are off to Singapore this week for the next round of the HSBC 7s competition. Our women’s side is still with a chance of being crowned champions again, sitting only 8 points behind the Kiwi side. While our men are on the improve and currently sit in #6th spot.
After this weekend’s round the teams head to LA in early May for a winner takes all World Series finale. Go well gold. Stan has all the 7s coverage from Singapore.
And we’re off.
The Charter Hall Shute Shield competition for 2025 kicks off this weekend with some ding-dong battles set to fire. Eastwood and Randwick are squaring off, as well as the Marlins hosting Northern Suburbs. Away from Sydney, the Coleman Brothers Rugby Club (also known as the Hunter Wildfires) are at home to little known and lowly regarded Warringah Wombats, or something like that. Coleman Incorporated has former Tahs guru Darren as Director of Rugby and brother Scot as head coach. Third cousin Selina washes the jerseys and their uncle Leroy is groundskeeper. I’m heading in to Newcastle #2 Sports Ground for a gander too. It’s been far too long since I caught some local rugby. Can’t wait.
Infamy and no pay awaits.
Just on the Shute Shield & Hospital Cup comps. G&GR would welcome any contribution to help cover these two premier competitions. Maybe you’re a member of one of the clubs, a former player or a passionate fan, whatever your station, we’d welcome your contribution to keep our readers up to date on the next-gen rugby stars in clubland.
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Size matters. Not.
Fitting result for French flyer and excitement machine, Louis Bielle-Biarrey, being named 6N player of the tournament. He received a whopping 65% of the fan vote, who can argue with that? Some of the tries he scored were breathtaking in execution, audacity and blinding speed. I’ll admit the hair on the back of my neck stood up whenever he got the ball.
One wonders if the Brumbies can better utilise their own Louis in Corey Toole. To my eye, he has all the same ingredients to be a sensation as well.
Until next time, sing it Slim and go the Tahs.
Hoss -out.
