Good evening, good morning g’day and greetings rugby lovers. Welcome to an absolute bursting Friday’s Rugby News. And today truly has a global tinge with rugby stories from all three rugby hemispheres.
Enough dilly-dallying, let’s start by jumping across the ditch for ‘Those bloody rotten Kiwis’. Discuss all things SRP round #7 with ‘The rise of the Australians’. Jump up north for all the latest news in ‘Lions, tamer?’ Preview the last regular season round of SRW with ‘Is that it?’ Then put the cherry on top of your rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss’ with Hoss’, a genuine alternative for your next prime minister, #hosstheboss.
Those rotten bloody Kiwis.
For every story with a hero at its heart there must also be a villain. Think of the fable of the Jewish backpacker guy and Lucifer. Or natural selection and the unlikely rise of Tasmanians. Then there’re innocent American gun owners up against those pesky schoolchildren. Hell, there’s the public service against Peter Dutton playing out right now. But in sporting terms it’s now Australian rugby against those rotten bloody Kiwis.
Not content with trying to steal Phar Lap, the lamington, Crowded House, Dragon, Split Enz and pre-Gladiator Russell Crowe (they can have post Gladiator Rusty), the Kiwis have this time thrust a dagger into the warm bosom of freedom. Through the soul of democracy, severing the sacred bonds of brotherhood that had once bound our nation along with their poxy outcrops, they have struck a blow at the very core of what was once an unshakeable bond between our nations, rugby.
This week the hallowed pages of G&GR have been awash with outrage and stupification normally only seen on a Wednesday. For too long we Aussie rugby fans have been pushed around, ridiculed and subjected to appalling language. Not exactly swearing per se, just listening to them completely butcher the spoken word (eg, hey, cuzzy brew). But suddenly, almost overnight, NZ attitudes to Australia have hardened, goodwill has vanished. As too, any semblance of sportsmanship or adherence to the game’s laws, let alone its spirit, all because we started to win a few games. Once we had the temerity to finally rise above our rugby station we’ve encountered something we haven’t seen from Kiwis since they faced a year 4 spelling test when they were teenagers, or completing a social security declaration: genuine fear. For rugby union defines what it is to be a Kiwi. And if the Kiwis aren’t good at rugby, well then, who exactly are they? Perhaps the site of a future penal colony. It’s been done before.
And it’s only taken a few paltry Super Rugby wins for the Kiwis wafer thin veneer of rugby superiority to fade away, replaced instead by fear and anxiety bubbling to the surface infecting all from the average fan to the very top of the Kiwi rugby dynamic, the NZR.
For 20 years Kiwis have enjoyed the sleep of the smug, secure in the knowledge as they pull up their earthen blankets, huddled as a clan on the dirt floors of their Hobbit shacks, content that they were rugby deities. Their claim was sound, their record indisputable and they lorded it over us at every chance they got. You know what I mean: ‘We’re bored with playing Australian sides’, ‘We miss South Africa’, ‘How does it help us playing these Aussies so often?’, ‘Why don’t we have writers like Hoss?’.
And I tell you, Gaggers, it’s only taken three wins from six against the Kiwis this season for them to have shat their dacks completely. So much so the ANZAC test concept slated for April 2026, that the NZR were initially firm in the crotch area for, is now a bad idea and not something they want to commit to! And why exactly? Because the breakdancing Kiwi coach wants to, wait for it, ‘protect their winning record’.
Now call me dim and simplistic (many judges have) but isn’t that a concession of guaranteed pending defeat? Call it what you will folks, but you’ve seen evidence on these very pages this week, as Happy pointed out succinctly yesterday. Multiple (for our Kiwi readers, that means more than 1) cheating attempts around fake HIA ‘injuries’. Cheap shots on Aussie game players that don’t even get a bloody replay in NZ, let alone any sort of investigation or sanction. Deserting the 2026 Rugby Championship so they can chase coin in the lands of the Dutch Dirt Farmers. The ‘reserving’ of a test in Chicago later next year, to chase Seppo coin. Yet they turn their back on guaranteed millions for an ANZAC day test in the middle of Super Round. All funded by Australian taxpayers AND with a guaranteed payment to all SR sides of over $200,000 AUD as compensation for some of their players being unavailable due to the test match. $200,000 AUD to NZD is, what, $12.6m. So excuse me when I say in my best Kiwi: ‘wutt thu ecktural fick?’
It’s a dark day for trans-Tasman relations and no, I don’t mean those in a trans, Tasman relationship, I mean the relationship between our two nations. Where once we shed blood together, fought for what was right together and stared down evil together we find as Australians we stand alone. The darkness in Kiwi souls has surfaced. Their petty rugby insecurities exposed. The echo of rugby losses past has extinguished the fires of rugby courage required now.
Mark this day of infamy Gargarians, and let history books bear witness to that which has unfolded. NZ rugby has killed the ANZAC spirit. At the going down of the sun and in the morning we shall remember those rotten bloody Kiwis.
The rise of the Australians.
Enough talk, time for actions. Happy has all the team news here.
Friday 28 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Hurricanes v NSW Waratahs at SKY Stadium, Wellington on Stan Sport
The Hoodoo Gurus are out to bust another barren streak when they take on some lowly placed, boring and unimaginative Kiwi team, Wellington-something or other. It’s been a decade since the Tahs have won against the Canes in Wellington. Having spent three years in Wellington one weekend a few years back, I can tell you the Tahs focus will be ‘laser-like’ as there’s bugger all else to do in the windy backwater.
The Tahs have a few changes to the team that was robbed by BOK last week. The Ginger Ninja is on a mandated break and Hugh Sinclair (ill), Porky Porecki (calf), Mahe Vailanu (broken arm), Tristan Reilly (shoulder) are all missing from the side. In Sinclair’s absence Joey ‘The Schnoz’ Walton has been named skipper for the match. Congratulations to The Schnoz.
The match also sees Caitlyn Jenner return from a toe injury and named at 13 for the fixture with Mad Max Jorgo moving to #15. A big G&GR congratulations to for Archie Saunders making his Tahs and SR debut on the wing. As a schoolboy he once clocked 10.30 seconds for the 100m. Which isn’t that quick, I can do 148 in a 60 zone getting to Dan Murphy’s before it closes.
As for the Hurricanes, who really cares.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 9. Although beware, Aussie BOK has the whistle.
Referee: Damon Murphy Assistant Referees: Marcus Playle, Jeremy Markey TMO: Brett Cronan
Friday 28 March 7:35 pm AEDT – ACT Brumbies v Highlanders at GIO Stadium, Canberra on Stan Sport
Perennial Waratah easybeats, the Brumbies, are at home this weekend and take on the Highlanders. The Lander sit in seventh spot on the ladder, and must be said have been in every game so far. Probably a tad unlucky in a few as well. The Brumbies apparently feel aggrieved by last week’s officiating, which kept them in the contest longer than they deserved, but will no doubt come out firing at home. Last week’s second best #8, Sideshow Bob Valetini will be better for the run (he was pretty awesome last week) and I expect the Brumbies pack to be much too strong for the Landers in this outing.
As a side note, we invite you to play the ‘Tavatavanawai Tipple’ with the G&GR writers this evening and every time his name is mentioned by the commentary team, imbibe a neat poison of your choice in one gulp. I didn’t even make the kick off last week before I was three sheets to the wind.
As for the landers they’ll turn to skipper Tavatavanawai (skol) for impact. Tavatavanawai (skol) has been super impressive this year and without Tavatavanawai’s (skol) the side would be really struggling.
Fearless Prediction: Ponies by 18 in a comprehensive win.
Referee: Jordan Way Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, Jordan Kaminski TMO: James Leckie
Saturday 29 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Crusaders v Moana Pasifika at Apollo Projects Stadium, Wellington on Stan Sport
JOC to start, the rest is meh.
Fearless Prediction: Saders by 33.
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Mike Winter, Jeremy Markey TMO: Angue Mabey
Saturday 29 March 7:35 pm AEDT – Queensland Reds v Western Force at Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane on Stan Sport and the Nine Network
Quiet possibly the match of the round and I never thought I’d type that in a game featuring the Force!
I admit I may have been slightly tipsy due to afore mentioned drinking game with the Reds and Highlanders last week, but I must’ve watched a different game to most in regards to Kilani Thomas. I thought he was tripe. In fact the Reds were poo for much of the first half, saved in large part by a Kwastralian reserve prop in the second half. In the end the scoreboard was about right, but it will take a much more disciplined game from the Reds to get over the Force this week. Actually, to even match them.
The Force surprised me last week, in a good way. I honestly expected some rust from returning players, but what we got was the opposite. A well drilled, highly skilled efficient and ruthless display that had the game effectively in their keeping after just 20 minutes. And for mine they start favourites for this one and have the better bench. There’s a sentence I don’t think I’ve typed before!
Notionally, the match is a home one for those in the QPRQ as they’re returning from NZ while the WA boys are flying over from 1983. So to an extent ‘home ground advantage’ may be neutralised. For the record, I love watching the Reds play, but I’m yet to see a controlled, disciplined and ruthless forward display capable of winning the SRP title and I don’t think I’ll see it this weekend either.
Fearless Prediction: Force by 13.
And for the record: should the Tahs, Force and Ponies win this weekend , it will really consolidate their top #6 spots and put them two games clear of sides like, oh I dunno, say the Canes, Landers and Blues for example. Oh the humanity.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referees: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw TMO: Brett Cronan
Lions, tamer?
Well readers, it seems the FUKIRs head coach is somewhat confused.
Yesterday he named his assistant coaches for the upcoming ‘Dead Man-Walking’ tour. In that he named the man who took the Oirish backwards, Simon Easterby, plus some other random rugby dudes who I couldn’t be bothered looking up. As if that wasn’t bad enough he then told rugby.com.au that there were still ’75 players in contention’ for spots in the Lions squad? Surely he jests right – 75 possibles? He knows he can’t pick the French, right? And surely he’s seen Wales play or at the very least, he’s heard how shite the boyos went. He even played the thinly disguised nepotism card by saying he hadn’t ruled out those plying their trade in cough- Owen-cough – France.
Besides, if he needs any help the readers of planetrugby.com have already selected their Lions side. Interestingly with 17 Kiwis and 8 South Africans in their ‘British’ squad. Be interesting to see if Mack ‘Paddy’ Hansen gets a gig as well.
Under 100 days to go. Can’t wait.
Is that it?
With so much good news with our code and the terrific leadership of RA, is it just me or does anyone else feel short changed with SRW season 2025? Surely it’s time for a combined SRW with those rotten bloody Kiwis. Don’t our female rugby players deserve it already? Come on RA, make it so.
Friday 28 March 5:05 pm AEDT – ACT Brumbies v NSW Waratahs at GIO Stadium, Canberra on Stan Sport
BRUMBIES (1-15): Sally Fuesaina, Tania Naden, Keia Mae Sagapolu Sanele, Ashley Fernandez, Lily Bone, Siokapesi Palu (c), Chioma Enyi, Tabua Tuinakauvadra, Ella Ryan, Faitala Moleka, Biola Dawa, Merania Paraone, Manua Moleka, Bienne Terita, Gabrielle Petersen Replacements: Katalina Amosa, Lydia Kavoa, Iroha Kishimoto, Easter Savelio, Edwina Munns-Cook, Jay Huriwai, Kyah Little, Ashlea Bishop
WARATAHS (1-15): Bridie O’Gorman, Adiana Talakai, Faliki Pohiva, Annabelle Codey, Kaitlan Leaney, Leilani Nathan, Emily Chancellor, Piper Duck (c), Tatum Bird, Arabella McKenzie, Desiree Miller, Katrina Barker, Georgina Friedrichs, Maya Stewart, Waiaria Ellis Replacements: Millie Parker, Emily Robinson, Seneti Kilisimasi, Jayjay Taylor, Anahera Hamahona, Martha Harvey, Nicole Nathan, Amelia Whitaker
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 19
Sunday 30 March 2:05 pm AEDT – Queensland Reds v Western Force at Ballymore, Brisbane, on Stan Sport
This will be closest of the weekend. The Reds have been underwhelming so far, especially given the 7s talent they ahem, borrowed. The Force have been had one win, one draw and one loss to date and will be up for this one.
Fearless prediction: Force by 9.
REDS (1-15): Bree-Anna Browne, Tiarna Molloy, Eva Karpani, Tiarah Minns, Veneta Teutau, Jemma Bemrose (co-c), Carola Kreis, Sarah Riordan, Layne Morgan, Lori Cramer, Ivania Wong (co-c), Shalom Sauaso, Faythe Manera, Caitlin Urwin, Charlotte Caslick Reserves: Zophronia Setu, Cristo Taufua, Charli Jacoby, Deni Ross, Zoe Hanna, Nat Wright, Carys Dallinger, Piper Flynn
FORCE (1-15): Megumi Takagi, Hera-Barb Malcolm Heke, Braxton Walker, Sera Naiqama, Michaela Leonard, Tamika Jones, Ashley Marsters, Pia Tapsell; Mio Yamanaka, Grace Freeman, Brooklyn Teki Joyce, Trilleen Pomare (c), Cecilia Smith, Adi Vani Buleki, Sheree Hume Replacements: Madi Schuck, Hannah Palelei, Alapeta Ngauamo, Rosie Ebbage, Nami Dickson, Nicole Ledington, Ngamihi Monk, Samantha Trehern
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Izzy back? Surely not.
What do you get for a $10m payout and quadruple that in bad press, upheaval, turmoil, loss of sponsors and unwanted distraction in a RWC year? Why a spot in an invitational team to play against the Lions.
I’ve had to chuckle and occasionally crack a wry smirk lately as a litany of aged former Wallabies up north, in their Japanese nursing homes, stating their ‘availability’ to be selected for the combined AuNZ side to face off against the Lions. We’ve got 64 year old Sanchez Genia nominating himself and throwing Quade into the mix for example. And yesterday also we had BBQs Galore ambassador and roving rugby roustabout, Mr I Folau throwing his name into the blender of selection. And I believe his original message to all rooters, looters and shooters may still grace his social media account as well.
As someone who has occasionally shat where he has eaten (must have been the violet infused Peking dumplings) I have never had the nerve to call and make a booking at the same restaurant again, no matter how good their slow cooked pork belly is. Maybe that’s just me. Although I don’t mind a good BBQ.
Bonkers in Honkers.
So just what does a $AUD 6.2 BILLION stadium look like? Tune into the Hong Kong Sevens this weekend to find out.
That’s right, the new stadium came in at $AUD6.2B. Which is a lot when you think about all the free prison labour, sorry, ‘guests of re-education camp’ labour, the Chinese had access to? Although flying those Uyghurs in may’ve been a bit expensive.
You can cheer our Aussie men’s and women’s side at Stan where all HK7s games are covered.
The rise of the Australians.
Unembellished. I promise. stuff.co.nz has more.
Lions legend.
For all the no names in the Lions coaching team, one is worth of special mention: Simon Easterby who will become the first former Lions player to coach the BILs. Easterby played in the 2005 Dan Carter masterclass tour. Let’s hope his experiences are just as lousy in Oz.
Of course, Easterby will match ‘Aussie’ Geoff Parling, who also played as a Lion and will roll out for those of goodness and light as part of St Joe’s posse. Well done to both gents. Outstanding effort and great reward.
Finally: Thank you Filipo.
At last a rugby player has confirmed what I’ve been saying for years: fat is where it’s at. Filipo Daugunu has come out and credited his scintillating form with putting on 12kg. Since returning to the Reds from the Aztecs he’s gone from 89kg to 101kg to withstand the rigours of the #13 jumper a little better. And he credits his weight gain with making him a better footballer.
Keep going Filipo and you’ll get there. Another 39kg and you to can experience a true existential awakening and membership to The Ponderosa Pudgy Society. True happiness awaits. Feast on young man, feast on.
Piss off, INEOS.
The same cash-strapped NZR that said no to free money in April next year had decided ‘unuff uz unuff’ and removed the name of former shirt and short naming rights sponsor, INEOS. I wrote a few weeks back that INEOS is a company that takes contracts seriously and their multi billionaire owner Jim Ratcliffe is a man of his word. Or something like that. Maybe INEOS and NZR are made for each other after all.
Another Aussie to rescue Kiwi rugby.
JOC3.0 gets his first start for the Saders this weekend in another sign of Australian dominance over the infidels. To be fair, the usual Saders starting #10 has kicked 3 from 96 this season and it’s only a matter of time until it bites them. So the master blaster comes in to start.
Fantasy Update.
Don’t forget to update your Fantasy League selections for this week. It wasn’t until last Saturday night I realised I still had Fraser Mac and Joe Dirt in my team, both of whom were rested from the Reds match. Go team! The G&GR ladder looks thus after 6 rounds:
Leinster losers? Who needs ’em.
Whispers on Thursday afternoon that gypsy rugby coach Stuart Lancaster has thrown his hat in the ring for the top job in gold. ‘The Bomber’, so called as England bombed out of their own World Cup, has recently parted with French side Racing 92 (stupid name) and is looking for a gig. If a history of underachievement is what RA’s looking for I might as well apply.
Catt purrs.
Tahs attack coach and Jonah Lomu speed bump (it just never gets old!) Mike Catt, likes what he sees at the Tahs. Creepily so, and his infatuation and comments about two of the youngest players Max Max Jorgo and the million dollar casualty Joseph something-something. The Catt purred when talking about the ability of Mad Max and Caitlyn Jenner, plus the incredible upside they both still had as rugby players.
I do admit it will be great to see them both on the field this weekend. Read more at smh.com.au
Show me les euros.
Reports that the BILs are deep in negotiations to play France on the way to their 2029 tour of the cash adverse nation of NZ. I understand the rugby calendar is getting tighter each year, but these sorts of games are a no-brainer aren’t they? Depends who you ask. planetrugby.com has more.
Until next week. Go the Tahs
Hoss – out.
