Greetings one, greetings all. Can it really be Friday’s Rugby News time again? You betcha muddy footy boots it is. Another bursting Friday, so off we go.
First today we pick the scab off last week’s NSW surrender in ‘Soft and SofTah’. Preview round #6 of SRP with ‘Bottleneck’. Cast an eye Lionwards for ‘What’s in a name?’. Preview round #4 of SRW in ‘The last round, before the last round’. Then put a full stop in your rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, promising to a hold a referendum to deport all politicians who make idiotic referendum suggestions if elected.
Soft and SofTah.
Nobody beats my team 14 times in a row, do they? Well that all depends now don’t it.
What the holy fudge was that last weekend? I haven’t been that embarrassed since wearing the wrong boxer shorts to the gym in my prime. For 5km on the rowing machine I though someone was standing behind me, clapping with small hands before I realised. Sure there was a promising 20 minute start from the Tahs and perhaps even signs of a rugby blueprint to beat the Reds. It certainly gave them the yips, but it sure didn’t last long. There was precision, pace, power and punishing hits and yours truly had a stirring in the loins not experienced since the late 80s when I had confusing feelings about George Michael, and I thought, ‘it’s on here’ (rugby, not George, he’s dead). But alas, it was another Tahs false dawn. The team went from soft to softah, and I blame Andrew Kellaway.
How dare he make one of the best, most precise and technically legal tackles in the history of the game. Just WTF was he thinking? Didn’t he realise that his tackle was on a Coinslander, in Coinsland. WAKE UP MAN. Smell the moonshine in the surrounding hills. Listen to the banjos as they strum in unison ‘folks are dumb where I come from’. You know they ain’t had any learnin’ and you dish up that brilliantly timed masterclass in ‘outside-in defending’ and produce a bellringer for the ages. Bloody Nora. And from that point on, like the Titanic, I wanted to punch Leonardo Di Caprio in the face the Tahs chances sank into the murky depths of yet another balmy Brisbane evening.
Sure the Ginger Ninja had help from a few team mates to completely ensure they’d lose the game. Like Tahs prop David Copperfield (now you see him, now you don’t), known by his teammates as Taniela Tupou. His disappearing act when the Reds rolled in that maul all the way from that shithole of a pub they’re always raving about in Caxton Street to the Tahs try line. The whole way Mr Copperfield chaperoned them in, gently walking next to the maul, offering encouragement to the Reds and giving them water and nourishment as they got tired. Did he even offer to massage a sore calf muscle or two if they so desired? But nary once did he think: ‘shit, might pop my head in there and help my current team mates’. Instead of, say, breast feeding his former team mates. Well here’s a tip for free Mr T: You’re the BIGGEST prop in Australia, how ’bout you play like the BIGGEST prop in Australia!
Of course it wasn’t just our forwards who rolled over and played dead. We first had the Tahs backs deciding that using a fullback, any fullback, in defence when ours is in the bin for a perfectly executed tackle was a waste of time, so instead we’ll just have one flat line and see how that goes! Well, I’ll tell you how it went shall I? In having no fullback, they let the worst #15 in SRP kick, regather, and score untouched. That’s how it went. Hermione Murray at #15 for the Reds reminds me of Hermione Murray at #15 for the Reds; I’ve eaten lead paint that isn’t as flaky as this guy. Yet the Tahs let him score untouched. Un-bloody-touched. It’s enough to make me already question my faith in my new religion, ‘The Church of Hosstology’ #sinnerscuredforcash #notalkbackradiopersonaltiesaccepted
What can I say as a simple, humble Waratahs fan that coach Chuckles McKellar and his assistant ‘Lieutenant Dan’ Palmer haven’t already said so eloquently:
- ”we fell off a cliff and had some really soft moments’.
- ‘that maul try was borderline embarrassing’ (Borderline embarrassing? What constitutes actually embarrassing?).
- And my favourite from Lt Dan: ‘you’ve just got to stick your head in and f#####g push’
This Saturday night will perfectly illustrate those Tahs who listened to the coaches this week and those who did not. There were certainly some who toiled long and toiled hard in Brisbane, Charlie Gamble prime among them. Players like him deserve, nay demand, to have his team mates put ‘shoulders on’ and fight the good fight.
For sure as spit, there’s having a dig and getting rolled by a better team and then there’s whatever that was in Brisbane last week. Fans can cop a loss built on effort, attitude and endeavour. But to roll over and go from soft to softah is completely unacceptable to all and everyone.
One thing’s for sure, I am going to need a new LG come Sunday morning if there’s a repeat of Brisbane’s efforts. And any new TV had better come with fecal matter impact rejection technology, or it’s gonna be an expensive season for this Tahs fan.
Bottleneck.
Friday 21 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Moana Pasifika v Chiefs at Navigation Home Stadium, Pukekohe
MP finally get a match at a home ground. No wait, Pukekohe is in Auckland. WTF have MP done wrong? Who have they upset? And the news don’t get no better as they face the table-topping Chiefs. And in a double whammy they do so without inspirational skipper Ardie Savea, who really couldn’t be bothered playing in Auckland again. Well, that and a hamstring injury.
The Chiefs got the job done against a fast finishing Blues side last week, just. If you haven’t already done so, it really is a match you should watch in full replay. It was a cracker. Cut it any which way you like, but the only team who can beat the Chiefs in this one, is the Chiefs. Well that and being worried their team bus might get stolen during the match. Bloody Auckland.
Fearless Prediction: Chiefs by 25
Referee: Marcus Playle Assistant Referees: Angus Mabey, Fraser Hannon TMO: Shane McDermott
Saturday 22 March 2:35 pm AEDT – Highlanders v Reds at Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dunedin
Dirty Harry Wilson will become the 129th Reds skipper in their more than 140 year history when he leads the Reds out against the Highlanders in Dunedin. With their 38 co-captains, including season ticket holder Eugene Thistlethwaite in row 18, seat 6E, being either injured (F-Mac and Wrongaz Wright) or ‘managed’ Tate and Ryan Smith, Dirty Harry was last man standing. Well, after he recovered from being viciously attacked by 64kg, bird-watching, Capricorn, Pina Colada-drinking, peace activist Andrew Kellaway last outing. And good thing too, the Reds record in Dunedin is woeful and they will need Big H to lead them well. Having lost their last 12 times (or something like that anyway).
As for the Landers, in what surprise many they’re currently in the top 6, playing really good rugby and have been a tad unlucky not to record a few more Ws. The Landers are at home in an enclosed stadium full of inebriated youths, trying to forget they’re in NZ’s deep south, who worship the Highlanders and will be drinking, screaming and drinking in the hope of continuing the Reds misery in Dunedin. There’s a self-evident statement if ever there was.
Fearless Prediction: Now they’re not playing my Tahs, I can cheer for them again. Reds by 9 two two Kiwi hoodoos broken in three weeks by Aussie sides. What a precursor for the Bledisloe huh!
Referee: Damon Murphy Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, Jeremy Markey TMO: Brett Cronan
Saturday 22 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Blues v Crusaders at Eden Park, Auckland
Those sneaky south island buggerers buggers, when did they sneak up to second? They were last five minutes ago. After putting the cleaners through the Force last week, with nine tries to the back three, the Saders are back. Probably because they have an Aussie at #10, an Aussie who’s BIL chances can’t be harmed being part of a humming Kiwi side, can it? With those around him benefitting from his ball play can it? Sure he may not be a starting #10 (that will be Tom Lynagh), but there’s a fair bit of value with JOC 3.0 wearing #23. But I digress.
The Saders have their punch back up front and their mojo out wide and the competition is the better for it. Currently second on the ladder four points behind the Chiefs. And they also face a wounded and underperforming Blues side.
For the Blues, they looked much better with Stephen Perofeta playing #10 and their forward pack is still outstanding. One could argue if last week’s game had’ve gone five minutes longer they were specials. As it was, it was only an upright that cost them victory against the Chiefs.
As an Aussie rugby fan I’ll be glued to this one. Are the real Saders back, and will the real Blues stand up? If so, could be a battle for the ages. I’ll also be keeping a weathered eye on one James O’Connor. This match could be special.
Fearless Prediction: Crusaders 38-Blues 36. JOC to kick winner from out wide after the hooter.
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referee: Mike Winter, Fraser Hannon TMO: Richard Kelly
Saturday 22 March 7:35 pm AEDT – NSW Waratahs v ACT Brumbies at Allianz Stadium, Sydney
The whisky wars begin. Nutta and I have agreed the loser shall provide one bottle of the sponsors product for the victor to savour. And yes, I am best part of a crate of whisky behind.
Putting last week aside, this shapes as potentially being a terrific contest. The return of Sideshow Bob to the Brumbies pack and his head-to-head against Clubba Langi Gleeson could be a real peach. Although in disappointing news, Charlie Cale has been reported as suffering a longer term back injury. I’m a huge fan of this young man. He’s a terrific talent and for what it’s worth, Charlie, all on G&GR wish you nothing but a full and speedy recovery. Across the park it’s current Wallaby v current Wallaby, or Wallaby contender v Wallaby contender and you won’t know where to look or when.
Even in the coach’s box you have two former Brumby head coaches, both with time in Europe, squaring off. You have former Brumby players in Lt Dan and one of my favourite Brumbies ever, Lachie McCaffery in the Tahs coaching box. You have the Wallabies coaching role (maybe) still up for grabs as a savoury sub-plot to all else and then you have two teams, who don’t like each other, approaching the game from opposite ends of the form spectrum. One team building nicely, nowhere near their best yet, but still winning well and winning in NZ. The other, well, see the article above.
For all of that, you can’t tell me both coaches won’t have their packs salivating like hungry dogs, eyeing each other off, like a stray pork chop on the other side of the fence. Snarling, spitting, growling and ready to bite any hand that comes near it. The question will be, which pack can play to the edge without emotion taking over? How do you prime a drag car engine to ignite with just the right fuel mix, but not a drop more? Who can best park the emotion and concentrate on the job at hand? What a tight rope that is. That’ll be the challenge for the coaches. Who has his side finely tuned enough, to extract optimum performance over unbridled emotion? What a match we might see.
However, one old adage always rings true, class is permanent, form is temporary. Whichever way you cut it, the Ponies are a much classier side than the Tahs. Besides, you’d be a complete moron to pick the Tahs after last week’s embarrassing handbags at 10 paces.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 1. As an aside, I am also hoping to see BOK regain his form, he has seemed a bit below his best so far and perhaps a little unsure of himself. And when he’s good, he’s great.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referee: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw TMO: Glenn Newman
Sunday 23 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Western Force v Fijian Drua at HBF Park, Perth
Interesting one this. Sure you have some serious cattle returning for the Force this week. But you learn from doing, not from resting (a line I’ve used on successive Mrs Hosses over the years, to little effect) and I just ponder whether the Force might just be a touch clunky for this one. Enough that the Drua might just get the lollies.
For the Drua, a casual glance of their travel schedule shows:
- Day #1 Brisbane to Mt Isa via rail, travelling economy. 12 tickets for party of 41
- Day #2 Mt Isa to remote cattle station of Weirdafukarwee (Indigenous word meaning ‘bloody hell, more lost white boys’). Drop bags and go on night time buffalo hunt in the Cape.
- Day #3 Leave Weirdafukarwee and travel by 4wd convoy to Darwin. No comfort breaks allowed, however SRP have provided five empty, one litre juice bottles for the journey. #dontdrinktheapplejuice
- Day #4 Arrive Darwin 03.30am. Check into Darwin Backpacker Hostel. Hit the sack.
- Day #4 Team Roll call 05.25am. Leave to catch Gan-Gan to Adelaide
- Day #5 Team counselling session to debrief and provide support about being in South Australia. Xanax issued, rest of day spent unconscious, or performing some killer Janis Joplin at hotel karaoke bar.
- Day #6 05.30am. Team roll call to limit SA serial killer opportunities and rescue any missing group members. 06.45am Meet with SWAT team. 09.30 those missing declared dead, survivors fly to Perth.
- Day #6 Arrive Perth 14.30pm. Catch bus straight to Forrest Fun Park & Football Ground to face Force.
- 17.05pm Kick-off and don’t complain about treatment or refs calls. Lose in the 79th minute due to fatigue.
- Day #8 Reverse above travel route and fly to Fiji from Brisbane. Arrive 30 minutes before next home fixture kickoff. Rinse and repeat.
Fearless Prediction: Only this time, they don’t lose to fatigue. Drua by 8. As a result, SRP to look at extending travel times.
Referee: Nic Berry Assistant Referees: Jordan Way, Jordan Kaminski MO: James Leckie
What’s in a name?
You can use the name for a biscuit, but not for the joining of Australian and NZ rugby forces to repel foreign rugby invaders from our shores? Interesting.
It would appear that the use of the term ANZAC is off limits as the proposed name for the joint Oz/ Sheep Shagger side to face the BILs (is it still ‘BILs’ with no Scots or Welsh likely in their ranks?) in Adelaide, 12 July in what has been described, like Yowie’s university entrance exams, as ‘the fourth test’.
News yesterday that one of the coaching positions will be filled by none other than failed Kiwi coach and current coach of second-last placed Japanese side Godzilla Subaru Walkman Karaoke Sushi Bar Cherry Blossom XV, Ian ‘Fozzie’ Foster.
For his bit, Fozzie is bullish about the Wallabies growth and their chances. When asked about the Wallabies chances of victory, telling rugby.com.au: “Absolutely (they can win). I think we saw some significant growth last year. Clearly, I’ve worked closely with Joe over the year and I can just see the foundation pieces put in place. There’s a lot of work to be done and certainly seeing growth in some individuals during Super Rugby, which is great”.
With more coaching announcements to follow and the naming of the players still to occur, there certainly is a buzz of expectation around this match. Will it be made up of ‘fringe’ Wallabies, for example, those in the squad needing game time, or those just outside the squad who might be injury cover and needing a run? Will players like Ritchie Mo’unga be considered? Will Michael Hooper get the farewell he deserves, or indeed fall into the above categories as well as be named skipper of the side?
One thing’s for sure, the concept will generate plenty of interest, not only in the game itself, but in the wider tour. And that can’t be a bad thing. It’s only a shame that the team can’t be called the ANZACs. I think that would be brilliant for the players involved, for the brotherhood and history our two nations share (and it wouldn’t hurt from a marketing perspective, either).
Although I acknowledge it could be worse. It could be a joint venture side comprising Australia and the US, or ‘ANUS’ if you will. Which somehow seems strangely appropriate for the times we live in. What’s in a name, indeed. Makes you wonder how the name ‘Turkish Delight’ ever got approved.
The last round, before the last round.
Bloody hell, blink and you miss it. This weekend is the one, before the last one in SRW in a shortened comp due to the Rebels refusing to pay back loans, fund their business model, provide transparency around trading positions, etcetera. You get my drift. The season is very much alive for all teams with the Reds, Force and Brumbies all with a game in hand over the Tahs and Drua, although any loss this weekend, could be terminal for their finals chances.
Saturday 22 March 1:05 pm AEDT – ACT Brumbies v Queensland Reds at Viking Park, Canberra
The Brumbies have it all to play for in this one when they host the Reds in Canberra. Currently last on 3 points; lose and their season is likely done; win and they’re a chance of staying in the 4. The Reds were belted by the Tahs last week and have made a number of changes in what will be their #100th women’s rugby fixture. Charlotte Caslick gets a start at #15 with Lori Cramer moving into the #10 jersey.
Fearless prediction: Bye-bye Brumbies. Reds by 20
BRUMBIES (1-15): Sally Fuesaina, Katalina Amosa, Keia Mae Sagapolu Sanele, Ashley Fernandez, Lily Bone, Siokapesi Palu (c), Chioma Enyi, Tabua Tuinakauvadra, Ella Ryan, Faitala Moleka, Biola Dawa, Merania Paraone, Manua Moleka, Gabrielle Petersen, Ashlea Bisho Replacements: Tania Naden, Martha Fua, Iroha Kishimoto, Easter Savelio, Edwina Munns-Cook, Piper Rankmore, Jay Huriwai, Kyah Little
REDS (1-15): Bree-Anna Browne, Tiarna Molloy, Eva Karpani, Tiarah Minns, Deni Ross, Jemma Bemrose (co-c), Carola Kreis, Zoe Hanna, Layne Morgan, Lori Cramer, Ivania Wong (co-c), Shalom Sauaso, Faythe Manera, Caitlin Urwin, Charlotte Caslick Reserves: Zophronia Setu, Cristo Taufua, Charli Jacoby, Veneta Teutau, Maraea Tupai, Nat Wright, Carys Dallinger, Piper Flynn
Sunday 23 March 7:50 pm AEDT – Western Force v Fijian Drua at HBF Park, Perth
The Force are in a similar position to the Brumbies; however they’re in 4th due to a superior F&A. But their challenge is even sterner when they host the Drua in Perth. The Drua are only one point behind the Tahs, although this is their last regular season match. Win and a spot in the top 4 is guaranteed, lose and other results next week could cruel them.
Fearless Prediction: Dry track and fast footy? That’s going to suit one side more than the other. Drua by 17
FORCE (1-15): Allana Sikimeti, Loretta Mailangi, Braxton Walker, Sera Naiqama, Michaela Leonard, Tamika Jones, Pia Tapsell, Ashley Marsters, Mio Yamanaka, Grace Freeman, Brooklyn Teki Joyce, Trilleen Pomare (c), Cecilia Smith, Adi Vani Buleki, Sheree Hum Replacements: Hera-Barb Malcolm Heke, Megumi Takagi, Alapeta Ngauamo, Rosie Ebbage, Nami Dickson, Ana Afuie, Nicole Ledington, Samantha Treherne
DRUA (1-15): Salaniete Nabuli, Keleni Marawa, Vika Matarugu (c), Merevesi Ofakimalino, Asinate Serevi, Nunia Daunimoala, Salaseini Railumu, Karalaini Naisewa, Evivi Senikarivi, Kolora Lomani, Merewairita Neivosa, Josivini Naihamu, Vitalina Naikore, Repeka Tove, Luisa Tisol Replacements: Loraini Senivutu, Anasimeci Korovata, Tiana Robanakadavu, Alfreda Fisher, Bitila Tawake, Setaita Railumu, Ema Adivitalonga, Alowesi Nakoci
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Marvel at that.
News yesterday that an ‘Indigenous Pasifika’ side (formerly known as the Rebels) will square off against the Irish Globetrotters at Marvel Stadium Melbourne in July. Details of players and coaches are yet to be confirmed, but yet another terrific concept that should see some great engagement and an entertaining rugby spectacle.
Training blues, Blues
As if missing players like Beauden Barrett-san, Ofa Tu’ungafasi, Ricky Riccitelli and Zarn Sullivan wasn’t bad enough, Blues skipper Patrick Tuipolotu appears to have been taken out by a sniper at training on Thursday. The big lock hitting the deck for reasons unknown and likely to miss this weekend’s match. The big Blues skipper leaving the field on the back of a tow truck to waiting medics.
Although the Blues currently sit in ninth place, just one point ahead of last place Moana Pasifika, through the closeness of the competition they are also only one point outside the top #6. Howzat for a cracking SRP competition!
Levis back in vogue.
World Rugby Player of the Year, Maddi Levi is set to return to the paddock for next week’s bonkers in Honkers 7s tournament. Levi has been sidelined since breaking her thumb during the Perth tournament at the start of the season. The side also welcomes back Sariah Paki from injury.
The two are timely returns given Charlotte Caslick and Bienne Terita are staying in XVs for a tilt at the Wallaroos RWC squad.
The gospel according to Fitz.
Good read from Mr P FitzSimons, of brief Wallaby but enduring SMH fame, where he quotes some stats that confirm what most on here already feel. SRP is back baby:
- Average attendances up 34%
- Stan and NINE ratings up 11%. In Fiji ratings are up over 40%
- NZ ratings up by double digits
- An average of 62.4 points and 9 tries per game(highest ever)
- Most wins by a Waratah side since 2024
The game is currently in rude health due to a combination of Wallaby momentum from the northern tour, the quality of the SRP season and the product delivered by coaches, players and match officials alike. In no small part too, because of the quality of decision and leadership from RA. The code is in the news for all the right reasons and we have a product that is sparkling.
Besides, if you’ve ever watched a game of gaol ball/5 tackle/kick, you’d understand just how monotonously dull and god-awfully drab it really is.
What he said: part #2
Seems RA head honcho Dan Herbert is a fan of this year’s comp as well. The SMH has more
Tonga lands coach ‘Hangers’
News Thursday via social media that former Tah and current Blues assistant coach Daniel Halangahu has signed on as part of the Ikale Tahi coaching team. Well done to Tonga and go well Hangers.
Until next week. Go the Tahs
Hoss – out.
