G’day, greetings, salutations and welcome! Test rugby is back baby, wall-to-wall-to-wall rugby this weekend. The southern titans take on the northern imposters. There’s drama, excitement, scandal and hope, all in this Friday’s Rugby News palooza.
With our side to face Ol’ Blighty named last night, let’s dive straight in to the golden ooze in ‘Land of Hope & Glory‘. Dare to dream with ‘History Never Repeats. Does It?’ Check in on our Contiki tourists at ‘Drinking Interrupted by Rugby Match’. Preview the blockbuster Oirish v Minstrels match with ‘Paddy Whack‘? Take a look at the Dutch Dirt Farmers and the Braveheart XV in ‘Freedom’. Before putting the icing on another rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss‘, seriously considering The Donald’s offer to build a wall at the Queensland border.
Land of Hope & Glory?
Yes. Yes it is.
The wait is over, the talk is done, the Wallaby team to start the Grand Slam Tour has been named, and I am both incredibly excited and suitably impressed. Excited to see the side perform, but also impressed by the courage, endeavour and vision of those responsible for selecting our side and including one Joseph-Aukuso Sua’ali’i to start at #13. I’d even go as far to say it’s probably the boldest selection call I’ve witnessed in the last 20 years of following our team.
I’m a firm believer in changing everything to change everything. The time for talk is done. The prelude to this young man’s career and the incessant drone about money are at an end. Now folks, it’s about performance. And I simply can’t wait. So much so, I’ll get up and watch the Wallabies live, just to watch him play. Something I personally haven’t done in an age.
Sua’ali’i is the only change to the starting XV, with the coaches resisting the temptation to rush in either Skelton or Kerevi. Instead most of the changes are made to the bench. James Slipper returns, as does Mad Max Jorgensen who has recovered from an illness he contracted in Argentina.
Wallabies (1-15): 1. Angus Bell (33 Tests) 2. Matt Faessler (12) 3. Taniela Tupou (56) 4. Nick Frost (21) 5. Jeremy Williams (8) 6. Rob Valetini (48) 7. Fraser McReight (22) 8. Harry Wilson (c) (19) 9. Jake Gordon (27) 10. Noah Lolesio (26) 11. Dylan Pietsch (4) 12. Len Ikitau (35) 13. Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii* 14. Andrew Kellaway (35) 15. Tom Wright (33)
Replacements: 16. Brandon Paenga-Amosa (16) 17. James Slipper (140)18. Allan Alaalatoa (76) 19. Lukhan Salakaia-Loto (37) 20. Langi Gleeson (9) 21. Tate McDermott (37) 22. Ben Donaldson (13) 23. Max Jorgensen (3)
Joe, who made thee mighty, make thee mightier yet!
History never repeats. Does it?
Soap Dodgers v Wallabies. Twickenanz Stadium. Sunday, 10 November. 1:30am AEDT.
I ain’t gonna whisper it no more Gaggers. Why can’t we finally talk about it out loud and with, well maybe not confidence exactly, but perhaps with a determined aspiration sprinkled with a modicum of belief?
We are about to start a Grand Slam tour of the third world nation formerly known as Great Britain. And just why can’t we win it again, just like we did 40 years ago? Well, there is no reason, that’s why.
England are old, fat and slow. Coach Borthwick reckons use of the bench is something you lift weights on. Marcus Smith is a prissy, lippy, private school prefect. Sit him on his backside with The Bull or Sideshow Bob tickling his rib cage (legally or otherwise) and I guarantee he’ll spend the rest of the match sulking. He has the emotional maturity of a sock. Likewise Marjo ‘the mouth’ Itoje. He’s like a Costco store, plenty of front but full of shit inside. Rile him, needle him, provoke him and watch him implode.
I watched the replay of Dad’s Army v The Minstrels, and in the Soap Dodgers I saw a side that needed to rev up its own fans in order to rev themselves up. I didn’t see a calm resolve with clarity across the paddock and a collective understanding of what was required. Instead, I saw animated hand gesticulations to the crowd, fist-pumping antics at penalty wins, and mouthing off at the ref, who had a blinder. I saw Smith mouthing off at his winger for the cross field kick 45 seconds in. I saw hollowness and rugby nothingness masquerading as passion.
For when a straight penalty kick or a well executed drop goal, from right in front, was needed, there was nothing. The hype had gone, the air had all but leaked from the balloon, and once again English rugby lay unresponsive and flaccid on the ground. Just like a One Direction band member on a bender. What seemed like a good idea in the build up ended up akin to a bungee jump minus one crucial bit of kit and another sad ending for all involved.
Fearless Prediction: Australia by 15. One win from one test: three to get. Who said history never repeats? Not me.
ENGLAND (15-1): George Furbank; Immanuel Feyi-Waboso, Henry Slade, Ollie Lawrence, Tommy Freeman; Marcus Smith, Ben Spencer; Ben Earl, Tom Curry, Chandler Cunningham-South; George Martin, Maro Itoje; Will Stuart, Jamie George (capt), Ellis Genge
Replacements: Luke Cowan-Dickie, Fin Baxter, Dan Cole, Nick Isiekwe, Alex Dombrandt, Harry Randall, George Ford, Ollie Sleightholme.
Match Officials: Referee: Ben O’Keeffe (NZR) Assistant Referee 1: Nika Amashukeli (GRU) Assistant Referee 2: Paul Williams (NZR) TMO: Glenn Newman (NZR) FPRO: Marius van der Westhuizen (SARU)
Drinking interrupted by rugby match.
Bristol v Australia XV. Friday, 8 November. Ashton Gate, Bristol. No coverage. 7:45 GMT.
The travelling purveyors of the pint, the Australia XV side, has been named for Saturday’s match (our time) against Bristol. And with one or two rather interesting calls made.
Perennial card magnet Darcy ‘Lurch’ Swain has been named skipper for however long he stays on the field. But in a move that has certainly girded my loins, Hamish Stewart has been named at #10. Yep, #10. And is it just me, or does that seem like a really natural fit and potentially a very interesting one at that? I’ve always thought Stewart was a natural #10 in how he played the game. Good distributor, attacks the line, excellent support player, has a good kick and an excellent defender. Interesting.
With nine capped Wallabies in the match day XXIII there’s a good sprinkling of youth and some experience against what will be a match hardened and competitive Bristol side, I reckon it’ll be a good game. Unfortunately, there seems to be no television coverage at all for this match. If anyone knows otherwise, please let us know in the comments section below.
Australia XV
1. Tom Lambert – NSW Waratahs 2. Lachlan Lonergan – ACT Brumbies 3. Rhys van Nek – ACT Brumbies 4. Angus Blyth – Queensland Reds 5. Darcy Swain (c) – Western Force 6. Tom Hooper – ACT Brumbies 7. Rory Scott – ACT Brumbies 8. John Bryant – Queensland Reds 9. Issak Fines-Leleiwasa – Western Force 10. Hamish Stewart – Western Force 11. Corey Toole – ACT Brumbies 12. Joey Walton – NSW Waratahs 13. Josh Flook (vc) – Queensland Reds 14. Lachlan Anderson – Queensland Reds 15. Andy Muirhead – ACT Brumbies Substitutes 16. Tom Horton – Western Force 17. Harry Hoopert – Western Force 18. Tiaan Tauakipulu – Western Force 19. Ryan Smith – Queensland Reds 20. Luke Reimer – ACT Brumbies 21. Ryan Lonergan – ACT Brumbies 22. Ollie Sapsford – ACT Brumbies 23. Jock Campbell – Queensland Reds
Match Officials: Referee: Craig Evans (WRU) Assistant Referee 1: Sara Cox (RFU) Assistant Referee 2: George Selwood (RFU) TMO: Dan Jones (RFU)
Paddy Whack?
Ireland v NZ. Saturday, 9 November. Aviva Stadium. 6:00am AEDT. Live on STAN. But with Kiwi commentators. At least they’re easier to mute than the average Kiwi.
Will the All Blacks paddy whack the green at home? This ol’ man doesn’t really know.
Mouth watering fixture this week when world number #1, the Oirish, a ranking thoroughly deserved for never winning a title of any significance (or for even making the semis of a title with any significance), host the might of the spluttering, and perhaps lucky to win last week, Kiwi dark lords.
The Kiwis enter the match with a couple of changes. Beaudie Barrett is out injured, but D-Mac slots straight back in and his brilliant goal kicking was the difference last week. Those in emerald green have their own big out with Tadhg Furlong unavailable due to injury. The gobby shite, ref whinger, Johnny Sexton is leading the Reiko Ioane fan club from the sidelines having retired from his career of incessant refereeing abuse last year.
The ABs were lucky last week. Sure they got the job done, but I thought they made England look much better than they actually are. The ABs of Sir Rutchie’s era would have won that by 30+. But, I do concede there are signs of Razor’s fingerprints starting to emerge on this side. And they do look to be improving. They are playing flatter at the line and targeting slower (ie, forward) defenders with inside balls to the likes of Jordan and Tele’a. Look for D-Mac to play flat and drift sideways looking to expose those gaps. And in Wallace Sititi the buggers seem to have unearthed a future world player of the year and a 10 year AB veteran in the making. He’s something special.
Will they improve enough to beat the world’s #1 side on their home deck this week? Yes they will.
Fearless Prediction: Kiwis by 11. Rankings be damned.
Ireland (15-1): Hugo Keenan, Mack Hansen, Garry Ringrose, Bundee Aki, James Lowe, Jack Crowley, Jamison Gibson-Park, Caelan Doris (capt), Josh van der Flier, Tadhg Beirne, James Ryan, Joe McCarthy, Finlay Bealham, Ronan Kelleher, Andrew Porter.
Replacements: Rob Herring, Cian Healy, Tom O’Toole, Iain Henderson, Peter O’Mahony, Conor Murray, Ciaran Frawley, Jamie Osborne.
New Zealand (15-1): Will Jordan, Mark Tele’a, Rieko Ioane, Jordie Barrett, Caleb Clarke, Damian McKenzie, Cortez Ratima, Ardie Savea, Sam Cane, Wallace Sititi, Tupou Vaa’i, Scott Barrett (capt), Tyrel Lomax, Asafo Aumua, Tamaiti Williams.
Replacements: George Bell, fa Tu’ungafasi, Pasilio Tosi, Patrick Tuipulotu, Samipeni Finau, Cam Roigard, Anton Lienert-Brown, Stephen Perofeta.
Match Officials: Referee: Nic Berry (RA) Assistant Referee 1: Karl Dickson (RFU) Assistant Referee 2: Andrea Piardi (FIR) TMO: Brett Cronan (RA) FPRO: Ben Whitehouse (WRU)
Freedom?
Far Northern England v South Africa. Scottish Gas Murrayfield (I know!). Monday, 11 November 3:00am AEDT.
Not so much. Scotland are the team who love the grey. In fact I reckon they love being close and losing, rather than actually winning. Because if they were happy, they’d be truly miserable, as they’d have nothing to be unhappy about and that would be genuinely upsetting to them.
You know what I mean: ‘we nearly beat them’. ‘We were a wee bit unlucky not to win’. ‘We were brave, we tried, oh and Jimmy, we hate Craig Joubert’.
The Scots host the world champs this week and even if the DDFs are at 60%, I can see a proper rugby hiding coming the way of the Haggis lovers. Rassie has developed so much squad depth, frighteningly so, that regardless of who he picks or who’s injured, the side doesn’t lose anything at all. The Boks are just imperious at present.
And if you don’t think there’s a touch of spicy curried Haggis about this game, you’d be wrong laddy. Check out this barb from Andre Esterheuizen to those South African-born Scottish players: ‘I’d rather have 18 caps for the Springboks than 70 caps for a country I’m not actually born in’. Zing!
Teams unknown at time of publishing.
Fearless Prediction: It’s the DDF by 20+ for me and the Scots happiness in their misery to continue. Who said ‘it’s shite being Scottish?’ Was it Boris Johnson?
Match Officials: Referee: Christophe Ridley (RFU) Assistant Referee 1: Luke Pearce (RFU) Assistant Referee 2: Craig Evans (WRU) TMO: Ian Tempest (RFU) FPRO: Tual Trainini (FFR)
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Ethan de Grooted. Again.
For the second week in a row (that means two for our NZ readers) Ethan de Groot has been left out of the match day XXIII for a breach of team standards. When quizzed on what exactly that meant, break dancer and coach with worse record than Fozzie B Bear, Razor somebody, said it was based on internal standards and a performance decision and that ‘in general, he (de Groot) didn’t meet them. So he’s not available for selection this week’. Ouch.
Vive Las Vegas.
Bright light city gonna play host to a 2029 Lions tour match? Well, maybe. It’s a Lions tradition to play a match in a country which differs to the host nation and it appears the neon city in Trumpville is being considered as one of those venues. stuff.co.nz has more.
Drunken Sailor?
Sad news yesterday arvo that former Wallaby and gaolball exponent Wendell Sailor was charged with five offences by police, after an ‘incident’ at a Sydney watering hole. And this on top of an AVO served earlier in the day in an unrelated matter.
Now the big unit is no stranger to an incident or two, such as public drunkenness, road rage, nightclub altercations and spitting in a women’s face, plus his Wallaby contract terminated for returning a positive test to NRL nose candy. For all of that, I sincerely hope that those who care for and have the ear of Sailor can get him the help he would appear to need. The SMH has more.
The Lions are coming and so am I.
Second round allocation of BIL tickets dropped yesterday, and the Cartwrights were able to get our hands on four for the Sydney test. Naturally I had to sell off a portion of The Ponderosa to a new entity to fund said purchase, but I reckon it’s worth it. Although the new entity’s planned ‘Yowie’s Naturalist Retreat, Cousin Mating Calls & Banjo Cabins’ does have me a touch nervous. Still, it’s a FUKIRs test, so why not.
Simply Red.
Canterbury and the FUKIRs have officially unveiled the 2025 Jersey for next year’s tour with cutting edge technology and in a deeper shade of red. It’s also apparently water resistant, so the tears of BIL fans will be repelled and instead fall and gather around their crotch regions, giving the impression they have soiled themselves when the Wallabies win 2-1 in Sydney with Caitlyn Jenner scoring on the bell for a 24-23 series defining try. Of course you could buy one now for 80 quid, or wait until the Wallabies win the series and get 5 for $8 for use as doilies or emergency toilet paper. planetrugby.com has more.
That’s all for this week. Enjoy the rugby and go the Wallabies. Grand Slam, here we come!
Hoss – out.
