Greetings and salutations. It’s Friday’s Rugby News time again, and test match rugby is back baby!
Today we call emergency services first up in ‘Fractured Fortress’. Visit every Aussie fan’s favourite second side for ‘Tahriffic Team’. Lower your voice and expand your horizons in ‘It’s a Man’s World’. Jump across the ditch to visit the nuns with ‘Fully Humble Bro’. And all aboard for ‘Friday’s Goss With Hoss’, responding to an SOS from Anna Meares to explain to our Olympic hockey players that ‘Jack & Coke’ is a drink, not a shopping list. C’est la vie.
Fractured Fortress?
Saturday, 10 August. Wallabies v South Africa. Suncorp Stadium Brisbane. 2.00pm AEST. Kick-off 2.55pm.
‘Hello 000.‘
‘I’d like to report a home invasion in Brisbane. We thought it was secure and safe, but not now. There seemed to be 23 of ’em, dressed in green and bloody big units at that.’
‘What did they do?‘
‘They spoke in some guttural German/Dutch/half chewing a kitten dialect and well, just ran amok. We couldn’t stop them. They broke into our house, trampled our young, stole some silverware and ran off with our rugby pride as well, that’s what. They ran outside, jumped into a waiting bus that had a water boy with a shit-eating grin on his dial. Send help, a few elephant guns and some stretchers now.‘
‘Tell them to ask for St Joe when they get here. Please hurry’
You get my drift right? If not, you were most likely educated in South Australia, or worse, follow the AFL (just got a shiver down my spine).
There is just no scenario where I can see our Wallabies getting anywhere near this South African side on Saturday. None. Nada. Squat. Bubcus. With over 5,000 test caps across their match day squad and and 22 World Cup winners (12 of whom are dual RWC winners) they land on our shores already a more dangerous side than that which has gone back to back Bills. Especially since Tony Brown got his filthy hobbit hands on these massive orcs. We all knew they were big, blunt, brutal instruments, but they have added a degree of subtlety and deception to their play that was hitherto unknown.
Our lot are coming off three wins on the trot. But while we all bathed in the pure radiance of a victor’s light, it was only Wales and Georgia. And to be fair, none of those victories were emphatic, ruthless or convincing, were they?
Which brings me to tomorrow arvo. Just what will be an acceptable result? Will it be results driven or, perhaps more appropriately, performance driven? What will be the signs of improvement?
For me, I would like to see more of the Irish style, short passing between forwards at the line to change the point of attack. Or that ‘out the back’, off the hip pass to a sweeping fairy (a la Jonny Sexton). That majestic move of the Orish recently used in both tests in the land of the Dutch Dirt Farmers (here at 4.00m into the clip on Youtube – sumptuous) showed that brains can indeed unlock brawn. I love the screening of the real ball recipient by the two forwards who legally shear left and right as the pass is thrown. That folks is pure rugby poetry. But are our lot at this point yet?
Perhaps the Oirish might be shite dinner guests for always crapping themselves in the cup. But, the fact that we have a former coach of theirs with some plays with their rugby DNA, can our lot throw a few counter punches and find a way?
One can only hope that the MOs ensure a fast game to bring fatigue in as a factor and the Wallabies find competitiveness at the set piece and be combative at the ruck. On that alone I am genuinely excited to see Tizzano’s performance. I’ve always liked his game. He seems slightly unhinged and that’s exactly what we’re going to need against these Bok behemoths. Someone who just shows no respect for life nor limb and just gets in there and scraps and brawls and competes for every inch.
Fearless Prediction: I’ll be inebriated and cheering loudly regardless. But unfortunately, it’s the Boks by a lot. In fact anything less than the Boks by 19 will be a moral victory to us.
Wallabies (15-1): Tom Wright; Andrew Kellaway, Len Ikitau, Hunter Paisami, Filipo Daugunu; Noah Lolesio, Jake Gordon; Harry Wilson, Carlo Tizzano, Rob Valetini; Lukhan Salakaia-Loto, Nick Frost, Allan Alaalatoa, Matt Faessler, Issac Kailea
Replacements: Josh Nasser, James Slipper, Zane Nonggorr, Jeremy Williams, Luke Reimer, Tate McDermott, Tom Lynagh, Dylan Pietsch
Springboks (15-1): Willie le Roux; Cheslin Kolbe, Jesse Kriel, Damian de Allende, Kurt-Lee Arendse; Sacha Feinberg-Mngomezulu, Cobus Reinach; Elrigh Louw, Pieter-Steph du Toit, Siya Kolisi (captain), RG Snyman, Eben Etzebeth, Frans Malherbe, Bongi Mbonambi, Ox Nche
Replacements: Malcolm Marx, Gerhard Steenekamp, Vincent Koch, Ben-Jason Dixon, Marco van Staden, Kwagga Smith, Grant Williams, Handre Pollard
Match Officials: Referee: Luke Pearce (Eng) ARs: Paul Williams (NZ) & Hollie Davidson (Sco) TMO: Ben Whitehouse (Wal)
Tahriffic Team.
No surprises the Monday-Thursday crapparazzi ignored possibly the biggest rugby news in the world this year: the Tahs coaching structure for 2025 has been confirmed.
Joining Chuckles at Tahland this year will be Dan Palmer. The former Wallaby (and former Tah) followed Chuckles to Leicester from the frozen pornographic tundra of the ACT and similarly has followed him back to the Tahs. DP will take on the assistant set piece coach duties, and one would think he’ll be rather excited to work with Angus Bell, Taniela Tupou, Isaac Kailea, Barge Arse Leota, Porky Porecki, Julian Heaven, Maihe Vailanu (who’d be a Wallaby if uninjured), Charlie Gamble, Ben Grant and Angelo Smith, to name but a few.
Also joining is infamous Jonah Lomu road kill, Mike Catt. Catt is a three time RWC player, including the 2003 win in Sydney, aka #wewuzrobbed. After retiring from playing, the 2003 World Cup winner has coached with London Irish, England, Italy, and Ireland. He also doesn’t rate Eddie Jones, so I like him already. Catt (who sports an OBE for services to traffic calming) will be assistant attack coach.
Continuing the Brumbies (and ex-Tah) connection, one of my all time favourite Ponies also joins in. Lachie McCaffrey will be the assistant coach for defence. I loved his aggression and abrasive manner, plus the skill he played the game with. I look forward to a bit more starch in our meat eaters next season.
The only downside, the most overrated centre to ever play the game, Tom Carter, returns as Head of Athletic Performance. The mouth from the south returns from his role with the Australian Women’s 7s program, a program that delivered exactly zero Olympic medals during his 5.5 year tenure overseeing same.
After a disgraceful 2024 it would appear the good ship Waratah has been righted, repaired, retrimmed and ready for 2025. Does a Cinderella story of last to first beckon? Could it be done? Last to first in just one season? Is it possible? Is it probable? Yes. Yes it is.
It’s a Man’s World.
Well at least in women’s Olympic boxing it is.
Now take a breath, before you go ‘yikes’ and we go careering down the gender bender path. For the record, my personal opinion is that any such decision is personal. It’s your journey, your business and your call. And frankly, I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss about it. You’re either a good person, or you ain’t. The rest is, well, just window dressing.
You could come to the Ponderosa dressed in a full body stocking, roll around the floor, suckin’ up dirt and tell me you identify as a Dyson 3000 for all I care. In fact, if you do a half decent job and get those Maltesers out from under the back bookshelf (how long do they keep ya reckon?) I’ll invite you back.
But. Should you choose to participate in a sport, especially a contact sport, that has as its central premise the infliction of bodily harm on another human for advantage (like boxing or rugby) then for mine, whatever donk you’re born with must be the only donk considered for entry into said competition.
Now, I acknowledge that’s perhaps a tad unfair on a participant, an individual participant. But it’s a whole lot fairer to the masses of other participants in that sport. With the growing science around CTE from head trauma shouldn’t the safety of the many outweigh the right to participate of the few? Shouldn’t safety be the overarching and only guiding principle?
This isn’t about blame, nor is it about gender; it’s about a person’s safety. That surely is the only topic for discussion. Besides, I think you’ll find most Australians are supporters of individual rights. Maybe not as much as the Kiwis though, who insist on calling everything ‘Trans-Tasman’.
Fully Humble Bro.
NV v Argentina. Sky Stadium NZ. 4.30pm AEST. Kick-off 5.05pm after the Hakarena and blubbering South Americans.
Apparently there’s also a game in NZ this weekend with the humble cuz chilly bros taking on the runners up to the English in the Falkland Island reality show, ‘It’s a Knockout’.
The Nearlies have a new skipper this week with the throat slitter himself Edward Scissorhands Ardie Savea to lead the team 58% dressed in black. For once I am in agreeance with KARL, not about attractive sheep but about the side generally looking pretty formidable, even though they appear a wee bit undersized in the locks.
The starting of BB at #15, the dropping of Ioane at #13 and the return of Will Jordan from the pine highway (we all forget just how bloody good he is, well except in RWC finals that is; he shat the bed there) gives the ABs their most potent attacking look this year. ALB is one of those midfield generals every side craves; he’ll bring balance, calm, defensive leadership and attacking distribution that’ll more than get the job done for the home side in this one.
Fearless Prediction: The FISMs will show plenty of passion, fight, resolve and courage. Then the anthem will finish and the minstrels will win by 30 and the FISMs to be 4th for and against on the RC ladder.
Mostly Black: 15 Beauden Barrett, 14 Sevu Reece, 13 Anton Lienert-Brown, 12 Jordie Barrett, 11 Mark Tele’a, 10 Damian McKenzie, 9 TJ Perenara, 8 Ardie Savea (c), 7 Dalton Papali’i, 6 Ethan Blackadder, 5 Sam Darry, 4 Tupou Vaa’i, 3 Tyrel Lomax, 2 Codie Taylor, 1 Ethan De Groot
Replacements: 16 Asafo Aumua, 17 Ofa Tu’ungafasi, 18 Fletcher Newell, 19 Josh Lord, 20 Wallace Sititi, 21 Cortez Ratima, 22 Rieko Ioane, 23 Will Jordan
The Anthem Cryers: 1 Thomas Gallo, 2 Ignacio Ruiz, 3 Eduardo Bello, 4 Franco Molina, 5 Pedro Rubiolo, 6 Pablo Matera (capt.), 7 Marcos Kremer, 8 Juan Martín González, 9 Gonzalo Bertranou, 10 Santiago Carreras, 11 Mateo Carreras, 12 Santiago Chocobares, 13 Lucio Cinti, 14 Matías Moroni, 15 Juan Cruz Mallía
Replacements: 16 Agustín Creevy, 17 Mayco Vivas, 18 Joel Sclavi, 19 Tomás Lavanini, 20 Efraín Elías, 21 Joaquín Oviedo, 22 Lautaro Bazán Vélez, 23 Tomás Albornoz
Match Officials: Referee: Aussie Gus Gardner ARs: Nic ‘I dont want to be on the same land mass as that turd Erasmus’ Berry (Aus) & Andrea Piardi (Ita)TMO: Brett ‘Jus happy to be outta the house’ Cronan (Aus)
For Sale. Sold.
For sale: one home with warm beer, stodgy rugby, oh and free leather patches, good chap.
In a sign of the financial times the home of rugby, Twickers, has been sold to a dodgy insurance company and will now be known as ‘Flood cover? Check your policy details, there’s no such thing! Stadium’, or Allianz for short. Sir Clive certainly has an opinion on planetrugby.com
I must admit I’m a bit of a traditionalist at heart, a concept I’ll expand upon in next Friday’s ‘So what if you’ve lost the mortgage repayment, your family, friends, integrity and the will to live. Gambling’s fun (gamble responsibly) ‘ Bet365 Rugby News.
Pea Blower Gods.
Interesting tidbit. Should Aussie Gus and Kiwi BOK officiate as planned during the RC they will both, individually, become the most capped Test referees in their home nations. BOK will go to 47 tests, overtaking Paul Honiss of NZ. And Gus will go to 48, similarly overtaking Stu Dickinson (a blast from the past).
Say what you like, but I am a BOK fan. I like the way he lets a game play and he has a terrific demeanour and relationship with the sides. He’s also a dead set ringer for a young Elvis Presley. Love to hear him slip an Elvis reference into a decision or player chat when miced up.
As for Gus, he’s Aussie, he’s good. Well done to both gents and well deserved.
The Legend of Dirty Harry
Gunnedah turncoat (and NSW traitor) Harry Wilson, got time in the nets this week with Australian cricket team member (and second most annoying person in the world to watch bat behind ‘Super Twitch’ and Chairman of OCD Australia, OCD Australia, OCD Australia, Steve Smith) when Marnus Labbuscagney, Labbisscarnay, Marnus somebody, paid him a visit at camp Wallaby. rugby.com.au has more.
Tall tales abound about a mythical 100 Dirty Harry once scored as a schoolboy off just 35 balls. Truth be told, I’ve seen a video of that innings, and the bowling was to cricket what Wednesdays are to rugby journalism: utter, indisputable rubbish.
Stick to rugby Big H, and for God’s sake no sand papering balls. Stay fit.
Fozzie? What the, what the, what the?
Interesting and insightful comments from Hodor Whitelock this week about the ‘rescue’ of Fozzie Foster as coach in late 2022. For me, it’s the completely dispassionate, singular focus and ruthless streak in Hodor’s comments that show you exactly why the ABs were perhaps the best sporting side, of any code, in the world for 10 years from 2008-2018. stuff.co.cuzzybro has more.
Lion, turned Lion tamer.
Interesting read on planetrugby.com that Aussie Geoff Parling could potentially become the first ever former Lion to coach against the Lions next year.
Rugby Nirvana.
This weekend sees G&GR recommence the sort of coverage that made us the #1 ranked rugby site named G&GR in the world during RWC2023. We will have coverage of every TRC match. And it gets better, we’ll also cover every NH Wallaby match as well as the blockbuster matches where NZ or SA might be playing.
Bris and KARL kick us off this weekend with articles published Saturday after the matches. G&GR has you covered.
Condolences
News this week of the passing of a family member of Taniela Tupou. I hope the big man is surrounded by the love and care of his family and friends in this difficult time. From all at G&GR to the wider Tupou family, we hope the tears of sorrow will soon dry and the warmth and love of his memory will shine and live forever.
Until next week. Go the Wallabies
Hoss – out.
