Greetings and salutations rugby cosmos, it’s Friday, and you know what that means? It’s Friday’s Rugby News time again!
Before we start with Friday’s usual excellence, a big thank you to Yowie for filling in last week. The mythical beast really stepped up to the plate, especially as he only had 4 days, 13 hours and 83 minutes’ notice. Thanks for trying, Yowser.
Today, we don’t want to look, but can’t look away either, in ‘Like Waterboarding Bambi’. Run an eye over the Wallaby squad for the Rugby Championship in ‘Guess Who’s Back?’. Challenge the norms of decency and good taste with ‘An Unholy Alliance’. Release your inner Molly Meldrum for ‘Crap Anthems’. And wrap it all up with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss‘, now wondering if those female Chinese swimmers with beards and baritone voices may have over indulged a touch on ‘Australian meat’. Hmmmmm.
Like Waterboarding Bambi.
What just happened?
Have you ever witnessed something so traumatic, so shocking and incomprehensible, you don’t realise you’re standing there, mouth open, startled look on your face, caught in a moment of time you just can’t grasp or begin to comprehend at all? Kind of a stunned stupor, or as I like to call it, Coinslander resting face.
What just happened?
Our women’s 7s side were simply stunning, sublime and superb in their first four games. Actually, they were goddamn electric. There was sizzling pace, genuine physicality that led to impenetrable defence. Maddi Levi was scoring tries for fun. Caslick was like an orchestra conductor at the top of her game. Paki was a threat in the air, with the ball and in defence. Faith Nathan was a constant threat. Teaghan Levi was cunning and crafty and everywhere on the paddock. Surely destiny beckoned. Then the semi-finals arrived.
What just happened?
From 12-zip up against the Canucks, the game took an incredible aboot face, that somehow saw the girls both lose the match and lose any chance of gold. 21-12.
What just happened?
With their rugby souls and gold medal dreams shredded, the girls dust off to face the Seppos for the bronze. A pair of Levis combine to score and with only 30 seconds to go surely the bronze is ours right? Right? RIGHT?
What just happened?
Three missed tackles on the one player later and it’s all over. Incredibly. Unbelievably. Prematurely. Over. Who wrote the ending to this shite? That wasn’t how it was meant to be. What rugby deity did they offend? What stone had been unturned on their journey? What right did anyone have to take the pre-ordained gold that was surely deserved?
What just happened?
Fate, chance, fatigue and basic errors combined to rob our team of a destiny that we could nearly taste. A destiny those athletes deserved. A destiny us fans craved. A destiny that will forever be unfulfilled.
What just happened?
I’ll tell you what just happened. We just watched the equivalent of Bambi getting waterboarded. Head dunked, legs flailing, fighting for survival with every ounce, only to see all hope fade and seep away in a collapsed heap on the floor. Our girls’ pain was visceral and gut wrenching. It was harrowing, shocking, jarring and something I hope to never witness again. They deserved so much more than they got. But sometimes sport is just a real mo-fo.
That’s what happened.
Guess Who’s Back?
‘Guess who’s back, back again? Rassie’s back, tell Nic Bez’.
The Wallaby squad to finish third in the upcoming Rugby Championship has been announced and there are a few selection surprises, as opposed to genuine selection shocks.
There are some players returning to the squad after injury in Gus ‘The Bull’ Bell and Mad Max Jorgo. One would imagine The Bull and Mad Max are more likely to be training members only. You wouldn’t welcome Bell back by chucking him on against the Catholics first up, would you? As for Jorgensen, he hasn’t done anywhere near enough to replace any of the OBs from the Welsh series thus far.
On the fresh injury front, Fraser McPies (getting a bit chunky there F-Mac) is out after having thumb surgery (maybe he bit it while hoeing into a steak and onion maggot bag?). Captain #36 over the last 12 months Wrongaz Wright having shoulder surgery and Langi Gleeson (syndesmosis) are also both out of the RC squad.
St Joe has invited Marika ‘I hate Eddie Jones as coach’ Koroibete back into the fold, and, for me, he’s somewhat lucky to be in at all. Although he upset Saffa fans with his legal tackle in 2022 on Bok flyer Makazole ‘give the money to’ Mapimpi. Anything that irritates South Africans (like democracy, low fat yoghurt bars and quiet, understated opinions) is okay with me.
On the newby front it’s great to see Seru Uru, Luke Reimer and Carlos Tizzano make the squad. Uru looks all class and in my opinion was unlucky not to feature against Wales. Tizzano and Reimer are exactly the type of pit bulls you want to unleash against the Boks. They love the rough stuff, have a streak of mongrel in them, are great over the ball and I look forward to seeing them get a run.
One player I am rather excited to see get a run is Brumbies and 7s flyer, Corey Toole. Toole was outstanding in France and has been for the last two years in SRP. Although not a man of size, who really cares when you can gas it like he does. You just need to look at Cheslin Kolbe as an example of what can be achieved by a small flyer. Go well, Corey.
Those to make way from the squad include Alex Hodgman, Charlie Cale, Darby Lancaster, Ryan Smith (head scratcher) and David Feliuai.
Our lot take on the Saffas back-to-back across two weeks with a Saturday arvo game in Brisbane on 10 August at 2:00pm. That’s followed up by a trip to Eastern Jo’burg (aka Perth) on Saturday, 17 August.
Forwards (19)
Allan Alaalatoa, Angus Bell, Angus Blyth, Matt Faessler, Nick Frost, Tom Hooper, Isaac Kailea, Josh Nasser, Zane Nonggorr, Billy Pollard, Luke Reimer*, Lukhan Salakaia-Loto, James Slipper, Carlo Tizzano*, Taniela Tupou, Seru Uru*, Rob Valetini, Jeremy Williams, Harry Wilson.
Backs (17)
Filipo Daugunu, Ben Donaldson, Josh Flook, Jake Gordon, Len Ikitau, Max Jorgensen*, Andrew Kellaway, Marika Koroibete, Noah Lolesio, Tom Lynagh, Tate McDermott, Hunter Paisami, Dylan Pietsch, Hamish Stewart*, Corey Toole*, Nic White, Tom Wright.
An Unholy Alliance
They said it couldn’t happen. They said it was unnatural and against common decency and the laws of nature, a vile abomination that could ruin the very fabric of society. But it’s happened anyway.
In a Friday’s Rugby News scoop I can confirm G&GR’s own dark arts and sith lord, Professor Nutta, will be joining our resident ref -Kiwi-Aussie when it suits, KARL, and two very special guests, Big Harry Jones of The Roar and rugby journo doyen (he insisted I say that, bloody prima donna) Mr Brett McKay of the ‘8-9 Combo Rugby Podcast’ for a world exclusive.
The awesome foursome will gather round the digital fireplace next week to discuss all things Rugby Championship. From squads selected, players of interest, likely tactics and fearless predictions. You can catch it all here next Wednesday for the G&GR 8-9 Combo joint podcast.
Big shout out to Harry and Brett for making time from their busy schedules to join us at G&GR for the broadcasting extravaganza.
Crap Anthems.
There’s nothing quite like a nation’s national anthem, is there?
A song to encapsulate the very essence of what it means to belong to your tribe. Whether your home be girt by sea, or you beseech an imaginary sky dwelling being, or to protect the descendants of an inbred German royal dynasty. Or you clutch your left breast and bedazzle the rockets’ red glare. Or maybe you’re one of our dearest Pacific neighbours and celebrate with ‘warm moonlight over my horizon, she’s a slice of heaven to me’. Anthems are designed to stir national pride, to gird the loins, summon deep courage and call on those bonds of belonging as you prepare to charge yonder into enemies both known and unknown.
I can feel my loins girding now.
But what happens when the delivery of said battle cry is just so awful it makes you laugh? Shouldn’t we then be upset when the fabric of what it means to be ‘X’ is so completely butchered, both domestically and on foreign shore alike? Which leads me nicely to: what’s the worst delivery of an anthem you’ve witnessed? Doesn’t have to be at a rugby game. But when did you last sit back and chuckle and go ‘well, that was a bucket of pig swill?
Here’s my three to kick you off:
- Nearlies v Fiji in San Diego July 2024 San Diego Soprano singing Kiwi anthem
- Wallabies v FISMs Argentina 2018 Advance Australia Fair in Argentina
- France playing South Africa 2009 South African ditty
What’s your favourite worst anthem?
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Brisbane Sucks.
So says former head coach who pretended not to be head coach, Rassie Erasmus, when talking about the Dutch Dirt Farmers win/loss record in the Banana Republic. A city where they’ve lost 11 of their previous 12 matches. Methinks fortress Suncorp may be in danger of losing its mystique though, with the Saffas naming a squad of 33 that includes a mere 22 World Cup winners. Yikes.
Penney Drops.
stuff.co.nz report failed Tahs coach and now failed Crusaders coach, Rob Penney has failed to be dropped after failing last year. So technically, he’s failed again. The article says an independent review came up with only 53 action items. Yep, just 53. I would’ve thought one item would suffice: ‘wen more bluddy gums cuz’. Anyone like a wager that if the Saders are 0-3 next year that coaching hids might rull early?
Japanese Paranoia.
News from planetrugby.com that TJ Paranoia is off to the land of the rising bank balance next year to chase the cabbage. TJ forced his way back into the new, mostly white jersey of the former All Black wearing jersey side this season before getting hit by friendly fire and missing a few games injured. Despite his betrayal, Paranoia remains part of Razor’s plans for the RC,
The Kiwi Collective.
The Kiwis RC squad has been named: superrugbypacific.com.au has more
Argie Bargie.
The FISMs RC squad is also out: superrugbypacific.com.au has more
Sideshow Big Show.
Congrats to Sideshow Bob Valetini for his recent win of The Brett Robinson players’ player award for the Brumbies for a second time. Biola Dawa was also named the Helen Taylor players’ player. Dawa recently made her Wallaroos debut as well, capping off a special year for the Brumby.
Barge Arse a Tah.
Former Mexican Rebel Rob ‘Barge Arse’ Leota, was unveiled this week as a Tah and don’t he look just grand in sky blue! The big man is on the recovery trail at present and will join the Tahs from 2025.
It caps a big week for the NSW side with Darby Lancaster, Angelo Smith (big fan of this young man) and Australian born Hurricane lock Ben Grant returning to the sunburnt country. Lancaster aside, there’s some size in those three signings. Ben Grant alone stands at 205cm and over 120kg.
With the imminent announcement of The Abattoir moving to God’s chosen side to join Barge Arse, Big Ben, Gus Bell, Porky Porecki, Gamble, Heaven and co, it’s great news for the Tahs and a real boon for local beef producers and butcher shops alike. That’s quiet a tight five Chuckles McKellar is assembling. Actually, I may have just dribbled a bit in anticipation. Go you blue things.
Until we next meet.
Hoss – out.
