To: Mitch Hardy, General Manager, RugbyWA.
Dear Mitch, I am writing in response to your search for a new head coach. I believe you will find my skills and experience outlined below ideally suited to this position. I am the man who will take to take the team to even greater heights, not only will we maintain our mid table position but with enough investment we could perhaps even push into the top 6.
I have 5 years experience professionally managing Fantasy Rugby teams, during which period I have consistently outperformed John Mitchell’s Western Force. In 2007 my Fantasy Rugby team came 487th out of 12,587 entrants, beating 96% of the field. This was also the Western Force’s most successful season where they finished 7th out of 14, beating 50% of the field.
I’m not all that keen on moving across the Nullabor, so we’ll be relocating the team to Brisbane. All training activities will be at Ballymore which the Reds will love cause they’re up shit creek financially. We’ll organise regular opposed training sessions with the Reds and pick Link’s brain for a game plan. Best of all the players will love it as they’ll be closer to their families.
I’ve been following this team closely for five years and I’m yet to observe any jedi mind tricks. Now is the perfect time to cut our losses on “Force”, and re-identify ourselves as an Australian team without any connections to America or New Zealand. I propose we adopt a native Australian animal, ideally a Quokka to maintain strong links with our heritage and to build on the close bond already established between the Rottnest population and Dick Brown.
I a strong believer that motivated players are players who swear at every fucking opportunity. Nathan Sharpe has been performing an admirable job promoting this behaviour, dropping the f-bomb in press conferences.
With so many Rats players in the squad it seems fitting that the Moses Western Quokkas have a Rats captain. No, not Brett Sheehan, he’s got less leadership acumen than Hoiles. I’m talking Beau Robinson! Yes, Beau is the man to lead us to future mid table mediocrity, and I reckon he’d look pretty good with a shaved head too. We’ll also be offering Van “the roller” Humphries whatever it takes, he’s got swearing skills we could build a culture around. As a marquee player I’ll be looking to sign Ma’a Nonu as he will mentor JOC through puberty with his exceptional swearing skills and TAB technique.
Third Party Sponsorship Endorsements
A mutual business associate of ours has registered a shelf company in the Hayman Islands called InfernoMuscle. He has been bottling the oil from his hair, and assures me it’s the secret ingredient to nuclear fission. while it’s not quite ready for market as yet, InfernoMuscle are focusing on building brand awareness in the medium term through heavy investment in Australian sporting teams such as the Western Quokkas.
I look forward to hearing from you and talking $$$’s.