Transcript of recording from G&GR agent “Suzy” at Cullinan Hotel foyer, Cape Town last week.
Surveillance subjects: Andrew Fagan (AF) and Jake White (JW)
AF: “Jake!”
JW: “Howzit my china, you must be Andrew.”
AF: “Indeed! Great to meet you at last. Hey, your um Springboks blazer… is really distinctive.”
JW: “Oh, this little thing hyah? Ja, I just got in the habit of wearing it – at the golf club, around the house.”
AF: “Like a coffee or something? No? OK, well let me cut to the chase. It’s simple – we’re reforming the A-Team and we want you to be Hannibal!”
JW: “Eh?”
AF: “Well, I talked to the boys, and they said you were the one, because it would be just like the A-Team reforming. You, know – the ’80s TV show?”
JW: “Ja, it’s lekker, we got that one here just now. But how is it like the A-Team?”
AF: “Well, as your agent said, if we hire you we get Eddie thrown in for nothing, so he’s obviously Mad Dog Murdoch with the twitch and shit, together with Stephen as Faceman and George as Mr T. Then there’s you as Hannibal making the plans and smoking cigars… we’ve got the A-Team back together!”
JW: “Well, there’s just one problem with that…”
AF: “I know, I know, it’s about George being Mr T, isn’t it? I told the boys that he might take offence at not really being that tall, but if the rumours are true he’s certainly got a big enough——”
JW: “No, it’s not that – myself I’ve nevah been with the Brumbies, how can this be like ‘re-forming’?”
AF: “Hey, don’t sweat the details. We’re telling a story here! We also think you’re a great fit for the Brumbies because you really understand quota systems and you see, there’s a club in Sydney called Randwick——”
(a third party approaches)
TR: “Mr Fagan! What a surprise!”
AF: “Huh, Tony? What the fuck are you doing here?”
TR: “Well, you know we’ve got a game over here, so I just popped over a little early.”
AF: “The game’s not till next fucking week”
TR: “Well, yeah. Got here early to check it all out and — whaddaya know!”
JW: “Sorry, but ah don’t think we’ve met boet”
AF: “…um, yes of course. Jake White, this is Tony Rea, acting head coach at the Brumbies.”
JW: “Oh, well pleased to meet you.”
TR: “Wish I could say the fucken same.”
AF: “Tony!”
TR: “Well, what am I ’sposed to say? You don’t take my calls, ignore my emails and texts… I have a right to know if I’ve got a shot at this thing.”
AF: “Tony, I believe we’ve discussed this – you’re just not ready. Just last week you were berating the players for not kicking on the 5th tackle.”
TR: “So have I got a chance or not?”
AF: “Mate, if you get this job it will be the biggest upset by a Rea since Steve Irwin was rolled.” (laughter)
TR: “Well that’s fucken nice, that is. What about my old job?”
AF: “Assistant coach? Look, you’ll have to talk to Jake about that. He might have a spot for you.”
JW: (laughter) “Eh, Tony boet — you can be in charge of looking aftah George’s jewellery.” (laughter, sound of cigar being lit)
TR: “Ah, get fucked, the both of you! This is Breaker fucken Morant all over again. I’m outta here – need to get Gits working on his 40/20’s.”
(third party departs)
JW: “Eh, Andrew man. If we going to be the A-Team, we got to have a brown kombi van. With the stripes and the racing wheels, you know?”
AF: “Let’s not take it too far, eh Jake? One of our sponsors has a nice Calais waiting for you.”
(subjects moving)
JW: “Ooh, Calais… that’s like a Chevrolet, eh?”
AF: “Similar, Jake, very similar. It’s all part of the (four years unless the guys don’t like you) package we’ve put together for you. So, what do you say — interested?”
JW: “Eh, myself, ah think we can talk about a deal.”
AF and JW (unison): “I love it when a plan comes together!” (laughter)
