Welcome to Hugh’s Got Mail, my regular column where I delve into my inbox and answer questions from loyal G&GR readers.
Unlike last week, this week we have 100% real questions from 100% real readers. I was inundated with questions after my column last week, and I thank everyone who sent one through. If you have a question, send it to barbarian@greenandgoldrugby.com and I will throw it up here. If I didn’t get to your question this week I assure you it will arise in a future column (or in the case of a few of you who asked about the Pocock/Hooper conundrum, its own dedicated article).
Enough chat, let’s do this:
Last tour saw the Wallabies collapse behind an ineffective scrum. If we want to stand a chance against England and Wales in the Pool stages of the RWC, we will need to rectify this element of our game. Do you think we have the tools to threaten the Northern Hemisphere sides in the set piece?? Brad, Manchester.
Thanks for opening the batting today, Brad, and good to see the Northern Hemisphere getting into the spirit of the place.
Last year’s tour was a real disappointment, with results not going the way of the Wallabies despite having a real chance to win each of the four matches. The most devastating aspect of this was the scrum demolition, especially at the hands of England. It was made worse by the fact that up until that point our scrum had been enjoying a period of stability and success not seen for at least a decade. We weren’t dominating, but we were certainly holding our own, and we managed to nullify it as a weakness in big matches. But then the tour happened…
I’m hoping that was just fatigue from a long season, with James Slipper and Sekope Kepu having to put in marathon shifts due to the lack of depth in either position. I’m hoping they will be in better shape come the RWC, and will have enough fuel in the tank to really compete.
I don’t think we can ever ‘threaten’ the top NH sides at the set piece, but I do think we can hold our own. Kepu and Slipper are the two best Australian props of the last 15 years, both in their performance at the set piece and in general play. They are, unquestionably, our two most important players in terms of health and fitness (touch wood for Sekope now. No, seriously. DO IT!!!). The prospect of being without either one terrifies me, and may well single-handedly end our hopes at winning the cup (touched that wood yet?? Yeah I though so. Good).
Hi Hugh. It seems the Wallaby lock positions are wide open at the moment. Rob Simmons looks to have his hands on one of the jerseys, but the other one is still up in the air. Is Skelton good enough, or will it be Carter, or Horwill, or Jones, or Coleman??? Daniel, Perth.
I agree that Rob Simmons, if fit, will be starting for the Wallabies this season. He is easily the best lineout jumper in the country, and whilst his all-around game has never quite hit the world-class heights we had hoped, it is solid enough to see him ranked above most, if not all, of his Aussie rivals.
The second spot, though, is a tough one. Will Skelton, Sam Carter and Luke Jones all seem to be well in the running, but how do you judge them against each other week to week? It’s hard to go by stats alone, in reality the only way is to break down their every involvement in one video, showing their contributions one after the other. But no-one has the time or the energy to do that right???
WRONG! No-one should ever doubt my commitment to razor-sharp analysis…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bCFIk1esUo
Now it’s worth noting that both Jones and Carter are coming off a break, and this was their first game for a few weeks. And the Rebels/Chiefs game was a bit more open and free-flowing compared to the physical clash in Canberra. It’s also only one game, so making sweeping judgements is tempting, but ultimately unproductive.
That said, there are a few things you can take away from that video:
Skelton’s game showed his highs and lows. His ball-running and handling is clearly the best of any Australian lock – the deft offload to Latu is probably the best single play in the video. His ruck work is OK, soured by an inaccurate effort on Pocock, and his defence good enough. Mobility is getting better, and his last-play effort to support Benn Robinson was crucial (note the weak cleanout by Carter as well). He’s not the lay-down misere for the second spot that some think, he is clearly still a work in progress. But he’s a good option to have, he does have a physicality that few can match.
Jones had a great game, and had a hand in most good things the Rebels did. He lacks Skelton’s physical authority with ball in hand, but he still makes the gain line more often than not. Lineout work was excellent, as was his defence. Can he play in the second row at the top level? I can’t see why not, despite the fact that he played at 6 on the November tour. If he can keep that form up then he would stand a great chance of a place in the match day 23, especially when you consider that…
…Carter is in trouble. To me he comes off the worst of the three. He struggles in contact and has the lowest level of involvement (28 clips to Skelton’s 33 and Jones’ 37). He is mobile enough, but not having much impact at the breakdown in either attack or defence. Some days the ball just doesn’t follow you around, and Carter might have had one of those, but he has some ground to make up as when you stack his efforts up against Jones and Skelton.
I do like the early signs with Adam Coleman, and I will try and put together a similar video involving him, Simmons and James Horwill, who I still think is well in the hunt and not in as bad a form as some would suggest. This is one of the most important selection decisions Michael Cheika faces, and as his most trusted advisor I am going to do my due diligence on this one.
I’m just about to head down to my witchdoctor in the swamps of Southern Louisiana — I’m sure it’s just a rash, but it just won’t go away… — and I was thinking of picking up a few voodoo dolls while I’m there…With the World Cup Pool of Death beckoning, what are your suggestions for the Welsh and English players that you wouldn’t mind sticking a few pins in before they take the field against Australia?
In other words, who do you most fear? Ben, Sydney
For England, it’s pretty simple- Joe Marler, Dylan Hartley, Dan Cole. Three of the biggest, sharpest pins right through the ACLs of their dolls, please. The scrum is where our game against England will be won and lost, and the further we can get down the list of English front rowers, the better.
Wales is a bit harder, as they are powerful across the park and on paper a greater threat to the Wallabies chances, despite our long-running success against them. Where I stuck to the front row for England (literally), for Wales I am going right out the back, to George North. While only a winger, he is their talisman, and has single-handedly put us to the sword in the red colours of both Wales and the British Lions. He’s the game breaker we need to nullify, and if we do that through a voodoo doll, then I am totally fine with that.
While you’re down there, Ben, make sure you whip up a spell or two for the good health of Slipper and Kepu. I’m confortable the en masse touching of wood is enough, but you can never be too sure…
Having seen your prowess on the rugby field in person I do not want to hear any in depth analysis of actual rugby games played. I do however think you are in a position to help me settle an ongoing discussion, who would win a Royal Rumble style match between all S15 Mascots? I’ll let you pick the order of appearance. Ben, Sydney
Firstly, you obviously haven’t laid your eyes on the Kings 4th grade side this year- I’m tearing it up, and while on a trademark run through the open field a few weeks ago I swear I saw Michael Cheika up on the hill, watching on and applauding. Or it was just a fat, balding bloke. Either way he was loving it. Then I got crunched and dropped the ball, but that’s largely irrelevant.
But let’s get our teeth into this one, because it’s a great question. Firstly, some ground rules. Unlike an all-in cage match, the aim of the Royal Rumble is to simply remove your opponent from the ring. Unlike most traditional Rumbles, we have created a special oversize ring for this occasion, and it’s all in. I repeat- All. In. Last one left in the ring is our champion. It’s unconventional, but like the mascots themselves we are all about entertainment value here.
So without further ado, let’s meet the combatants:
In the top row (L-R) we have Sharkie (Sharks), Westy the Swan (Force), Mufasa (Lions), Tah Man (Waratahs), Cheetah (Cheetahs), Little Chief (Chiefs) and Rusty the Koala (Reds). In the bottom row (L-R) we have Brumby Jack (Brumbies), the Crusader Knight (Crusaders), Bull (Bulls), Bluebeard (Blues), Captain Hurricane (Hurricanes), Vic the Rebel (Rebels) and Unnamed (Highlanders). The Stormers do not have a mascot, the fun-loving rascals.
With all in the ring, the early stages will just be about weeding out the weaklings. There are a few obvious ones, and like the bloke who gets out a picture of his family in a war movie, they are the first to go. Westy the Swan?? Outta here. Captain Hurricane?? Back to the 1930s my son, you’re goneski. Bluebeard?? You look like you belong in the chorus of a community theatre production of the Pirates of Penzance. No chance you’re staying in the ring. It’s irrelevant who threw them all out.
So we are down to 11. It’s natural that the animals will stick together and turn on their human rivals, but the Royal Rumble is about more than brute strength and animal cunning. Showmanship plays a role, and both Tah Man and Vic the Rebel are born showmen. They are up on the turnbuckles, whipping the crowd into a frenzy as the animals fight below.
The next to go are the few animals that obviously can’t cope with the frenetic energy of the ring, and the atmosphere that Tah Man and Vic the Rebel have created. Rusty the Koala is not cut out for this type of engagement, and frankly did well to survive the early going. He’s hoisted out by Little Chief. Sharkie the Shark continues to grin like an idiot as the Crusader Knight thrusts his fake sword through the plush costume exterior, and launches him into the baying crowd.
The Highlanders mascot is next out. He’s lucky to even be there in the first place- he doesn’t have a name (that I could find) and what type of a mascot is a miner? The symbolic meaning evades me, but unfortunately the miner couldn’t evade Mufasa, who is beginning to dominate the ring and knocks him down with a classic slingblade mat slam, before catapulting the hapless bloke into the second tier of the stands.
But the animals can’t hold their jungle instincts back for long, and quickly turn on eachother. While Tah Man is posing on the third rail, poor old Brumby Jack is gored by Bull, who then teams up with Cheetah to double team the poor pony, with the cat whomping him with a folding chair (the classic two man con-chair-to) and then throwing him out of the ring. They then turn on Little Chief, who is also thrown out, but TAKES OUT TAH MAN ON THE WAY!! This is a shock!! The showboating Tah Man pays the price for his top-rail shenanigans, and falls out of the ring with Little Chief!
So we are then down to five- Cheetah, Bull, Mufasa, the Crusader Knight, Vic the Rebel. Bull has the upper hand here, what with his ability to shoot sparks out his horns, and he wields this power to great effect, backing poor Mufasa into a corner and barging him over the side and onto the ground below, where he is tragically trampled by a stampeding herd of Wilderbeest.
Bull is loving the roar of the crowd, but as he admires his handywork in knocking out Mufasa, Vic the Rebel comes up behind him and hoists him over the rail!!! Underhanded tactics from Vic there, but you can’t doubt its effectiveness as the Bull departs proceedings.
Vic the Rebel is full of confidence, and launches himself off the top rail onto the Crusader Knight below, pulling off a powerful flying clothesline. The crowd are on their feet, and as Vic climbs back up the rails to finish the Knight off, the Cheetah sees his chance! He’d been lurking in the corner this whole time, and he hurls himself at Vic with the full force of his feline frame… but VIC DUCKS OUT OF THE WAY!! Great evasiveness from the Rebel, and Cheetah’s unstoppable momentum sees him bounce up and over the rails, and out of the ring!!!
We are down to two now- Vic the Rebel and the Crusader Knight. Big Vic has ditched his hat, and is sweating bullets. Despite his ripped physique he is clearly battling, and the Crusader Knight is looking surprisingly fresh, considering his outfit is made with chain mail and some crude rubber-based material. It’s a classic face off (not to be confused with a classic Face/Off, which involves a significant amount of experimental facial surgery, a magnetic prison and an explosive boat chase).
The Knight throws down his sword, and gets Vic on the mat with a classic suplex. Vic is gone, there will be no plucky comeback this time… OR WILL THERE!!?! As the Knight jumps off the top rail for the diving elbow drop, Vic rolls out of the way and avoids the blow! The Knight goes down hard, and Vic sees his chance. He staggers over to the Knight, launching him over his head. The crowd screams, and deposits the Knight out of the ring.
Vic the Rebel wins, he is the first champion of the Mascot Royal Rumble.
I’m always keen for more questions, so jet them through to barbarian@greenandgoldrugby.com
See you next time.
