Friday’s Rugby News.

Greetings one and greetings all and welcome to another Friday’s Rugby News.

There’s only one story that matters this week, Test #2 between our Wallabies and the northern FUKIRS. So dust yourself off, settle in and take a rugby sojourn with me. We kick off the action with this week’s test in ‘Captain Cautious & The Cauldron of Doom‘. Take a closer look at all the team news and discuss tactics with ‘Lose Yourself’. Then, embrace your inner Japanese scientific ‘researcher’ in ‘Wales Hunting’. Ask if match officials have optical cover as part of their employment with ‘That’s a Wrap’? Ponder the notion that less really is more in ‘Binge Cringe Worthy’ before signing off another booming rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, now syndicated in 46 countries.

Captain Cautious & The Cauldron of Doom.

Our very own Captain Cautious, Joe Schmidt, has named the side for the second test to face the Lions at the great Mexican cauldron that is the MCG. While it looks much improved on last week’s side, the question is, are they improved enough?

Is it the side I would’ve picked? Nope, but then again among the exhaustive list of skills, formal and informal accreditations I have, being a successful international coach isn’t one of them, yet. Would I have picked Lukhan ‘stick that up your kilt’ Solakaia-Loto to start? In a heartbeat I would. Would I have moved JAS to the wing to accommodate Paisami at #12? Again, yes, I would. Would I have Peaches on one wing instead of the Wizard? 100% yes. Would I have been more ambitious with other aspects of the side overall? Absolutely.

But here’s the thing: when it comes to matters of Wallaby selection my opinion rightly counts for nought. It’s like some old adages we all know: one man’s trash, is another man’s treasure; or a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (never understood that one); or perhaps one man’s barren, rocky wasteland is another man’s New Zealand. We all view and shape our life through the prism of experiences we’ve had, so in this instance I’m happy to defer to the Captain and his selection team.

Few will forget the French fisting we received last time our side played in Melbourne. The smugness of the whistle and that decision will be seared into the rugby soul of every Australian fan. Let’s hope this time round that when it comes to Captain Cautious & the Cauldron of Doom, the forces of goodness and light will overcome those invaders, perennially offside, cloaked in red, the colour of evil.

Come on Cap’n, make it count.

Lose Yourself.

‘Look… If you had… one shot… or one opportunity…
To seize everything you ever wanted… one moment…
Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?
Yo‘

Wallabies v British & Irish Lions. Saturday, 26 July. Melbourne Cricket Ground 7:00pm AEST on Stan Sport and the Nine Network.

Lyrical poet Marshall Mathers III is spot on I reckon. Well might there be a Game III in this series next Saturday in Sydney, but all that matters for our Wallabies is this match in Mexico. One shot. One opportunity. Both sides have announced their XXIII for the ‘Collision at the Cauldron’ tomorrow night. And to be honest the only surprises are perhaps with the FUKIRS selections.

The Teams

The Wallabies have welcomed back world XV player, Sideshow Bob Valetini. His continuous go forward, stinging tackles and huge engine were missed beyond words last week. Simply put, he is the world’s premier loose forward. Bar none. Any side with him in it is improved by some measure. He is the most complete loosie in world rugby right now.

In other good news Big Will Skelton gets a start in the second row adding size, skill, experience and technique to the mix. As good as our scrum was last week it will be even better this week, and a weapon at that. The Lions will look to avoid rolling mauls from their own lineout as Skelton is perhaps the world’s best disruptor of opposition mauls. Yes, he rarely jumps, but with Elsa, Dirty Harry and Sideshow Bob notable lineout jumpers, Big Willy doesn’t need to. Look for him in mid-field hit ups, his sheer size attracting numerous defenders to stop him thus creating space for those running off him. Many might recall that, for a big man, he actually has very silky hands and can pop a wonderful pass or two.

Porky Porecki returns to the starting XV after suffering a concussion against Fiji. With Billy Pollard retaining his bench spot an underdone Matt Faessler misses out altogether. Clubba Langi Gleeson is back from injury and claims a spot on a 6:2 bench alongside Jeremy Williams. Last week’s debutant Nick Champion de Crespigny and Tom Hooper miss out. While on the fairies, Tate Mac and Chopper Donaldson will add some sparkle later in the match with Kellaway missing selection.

Now to the Lions.

Injury has played its part in the Lions XXIII for Saturday. A tight hamstring sees Scotstralian Sione Tuipolotu miss selection with his spot taken at 12 by the powerful Bundee ‘N’coke’ Aki. Meaning the ‘Huwipolotu’ is now the ‘Huwaki’ (which, in a strange twist, is also the name of the Oirish NZ village Aki was born in, so that’s nice). Up front loosehead prop Andrew Porter gets a start with serial scrum offender and Soap Dodger, Ellis Genge, on the pine. Injury sees oversized Oirishman Joe McCarthy miss out, instead similarly sized Soap Dodger Ollie Chessum gets a run on spot.

Coach Mufasa has stayed with a 5:3 bench split with Alex Mitchell and Blair Kinghorn (apparently that’s his real name, not an adult entertainer’s stage name) on the pine, alongside the Venus de Milo of world rugby, Owen Farrell. Token boyo, Jac Morgan, returns to the bench in a bid to stop the whining from the Welsh public. Having been informed by resident Welsh grammar expert and rugby fan, Eloise, that the Welsh don’t have a ‘K’ in their alphabet, someone should tell them they can now stop their whining and just ‘shut the fuc up’

The match

With wet weather forecast for Mexico (10mm on match day alone) and the selection of a 6:2 bench from the Wallabies and returning size to the starting piggies, I believe they’ve laid their plans clear. More metres at the gain line to create more time and space for the backs. And creating fatigue for the bench to exploit. Perhaps even using some plays with our big boppers to create some deception and attract multiple Lions tacklers and instead feed faster Wallaby players running off the likes of Skelton, Valetini and later on, Bell.

I think the starting front row change for the Lions actually favours the Wallabies. Our own 7As won a number of scrum penalties against Porter last week and with the added bulk of Skelton in the second row I reckon the Wallaby scrum will get some advantage in the set piece battle. The return of Porky Porecki is a real bonus and Pollard was excellent from the pine.

I don’t expect to see a lot different from the Lions and frankly, why would they. For 40-50 minutes they were outstanding and clearly the better side and as a result, deserved the win. But, they did tire more than I thought they might and while their bench was ok, they weren’t as effective as the starters they replaced.

For the Wallabies, the objective is simple, they have to win, full stop, end of story. But for the Lions there are many questions yet to answer:

• Will the changes lead to some disjointedness, especially around the 10,12 and 13 attack? Usually the only time a Kiwi Oirishman gets between two Scots is to act as a translator, or to help them find their wallets when they’re up for a shout.
• Are they playing to win the series or not lose the game?, because they are two very different objectives. Can they live with the expectation from every British media outlet that they are indeed rugby gods, pre-ordained to win the three test series 5-0 against us lowly antipodeans? What happens should they lose a game? Oh dear.
• Does a 1-0 lead perhaps create some apathy? Will it be a spirited ‘fight to the end’ or might the cues be placed in the rack early if the going gets hard?
• Will Tom Curry be onside at least once during the match, hell, for the tour even? Will one of the Wallabies forwards remind Mr Curry (legally or otherwise) what side of the ruck is he is required to be on.

And lastly, will we get a referee who won’t blow chunks this time.

Fearless Prediction: Wallabies by 9. Game #3 very much alive for Sydney.

WALLABIES (15-1): Tom Wright; Max Jorgensen, Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii, Len Ikitau, Harry Potter; Tom Lynagh, Jake Gordon; Harry Wilson (capt), Fraser McReight, Rob Valetini, Will Skelton, Nick Frost; Allan Alaalatoa, Dave Porecki, James Slipper

Replacements: Billy Pollard, Angus Bell, Tom Robertson, Jeremy Williams, Langi Gleeson, Carlo Tizzano, Tate McDermott, Ben Donaldson

LIONS (15-1): Hugo Keenan; Tommy Freeman, Huw Jones, Bundee Aki, James Lowe; Finn Russell, Jamison Gibson-Park; Jack Conan, Tom Curry, Tadhg Beirne; Ollie Chessum, Maro Itoje (capt); Tadhg Furlong, Dan Sheehan, Andrew Porter

Replacements: Ronan Kelleher, Ellis Genge, Will Stuart, James Ryan, Jac Morgan, Alex Mitchell, Owen Farrell, Blair Kinghorn

Wales Hunting.

Wallaroos v Wales. Saturday, 26 July at Ballymore Stadium Coinsland. 1.40pm on STAN

The Wallabies aren’t our only golden side in action this weekend with the Wallaroos taking on Wales in the first of two tests as part of the lead in to the RWC.

Jo Yapp has named Emily Chancellor to lead the side and after eight years and 28 caps in gold she’ll be the 19th captain of our Wallaroo side, a well deserved and popular call. ‘Hammer’ (Em-C) as she is probably known, will lead the team out on Saturday. Despite not winning a game in the 2025 women’s 6N, Wales were last start winners against the Wallaroos, securing a 31-24 victory in Newport before the start of the WXV 2 series. That said, this will be the first ever test on our shores by the Welsh women’s side.

Coach Yapp has made six changes to the side beaten by the Black Ferns earlier in the month in Wellington. Yapp telling rugby.com.au:

“We’re looking forward to playing these final two Test matches on home soil before the World Cup begins. Injuries have forced our hand with a few changes for the series but it also gives opportunities to other players ahead of the World Cup. While disappointing to lose a leader like Siokapesi Palu, we are fortunate to have someone like Emily Chancellor be able to step up in her place and lead the team. Emily is a natural leader and has worked closely throughout this season with Siokapesi.”

Fearless Prediction: Wallaroos by 15.

That’s a wrap?

Ok, so it’s old news and yes, it’s a crappy image, but the incident still wrangles me.

With 37 different camera angles and 138 replays, watched by four match officials, can anyone at all seriously tell me ‘there were arms used to wrap in this tackle’? He dived across and at the legs of JAS with zero attempt to wrap. By no means was it, or should’ve been a try. But it was absolutely penalty to the Wallabies and the opportunity to score some points.

Frankly, the last time I saw a ‘wrap’ that bad, was when I was in search of a 3:00am bourbon-soaker from Kalifi’s Kebab & Mixed Martial Arts Emporium after a rather large bender.

How did they get it so wrong? And why aren’t there ever differing opinions from the four lemmings controlling the game? Is it simply ‘follow the leader’?

Binge Cringe Worthy.

Lean in for a minute. I have a secret: I am kind of a rugby snob. There, I said it. Not in a leather patches, kids named Astrid or Porsche or sipping Pimm’s from the boot of the Range Rover at polo kind of snob. But in a ‘I’m glad we haven’t plumbed the depths of gaol ball entertainment’ type snob. Well, until now that is.

I get Stan are looking to optimise coverage, or look for more ‘grist for the mill’ during this Lions tour. I get that content = eyeballs: eyeballs = sponsors: sponsors = dollars and the world keeps spinning round. Fair enough.

But, do we have to resort to ‘Footy Show’ type theatrics and contrived engagement? Shows at pubs, where one of the Stan ‘talent’ will ask someone in a Lions jersey ‘who they think will win’? Or a Wallabies fan, decked out in gold, who their favourite player is? Or the Stan team trying to generate emotions and hype in the crowd when, apart from drunken buffoonery, none actually exists. Somehow not realising that the only reason the punters are there to begin with is for a chance to be on TV and watch themselves later?

Or perhaps they should just go full ‘Simple Jack’ mode as it were, or ‘Full Footy Show’. Maybe host Big Sean Maloney could compare a live gig dressed as a rugby Ru Paul with glossy red lippy and a killer pair of Jimmy Choos. They could throw to Goog and his performance of ‘I will always love you’ while gazing into a giant, Goog sized mirror. Of course the lyrics would need to be fed through the Googtionary first to allow for general comprehension by the masses: ‘this thing we call love, this amorous, individual ecosystem, dealing on a micro level but with a macro issue, Vis-à-vis  stakeholder engagement, to find outcomes and cohesion that align for more interaction with me, myself and I on a permanent, semi-autonomous, primal, yet intimate level.’

Or perhaps they should just stick with quality outweighing quantity?

So much of the Stan coverage has been outstanding. The weekly episodes of Between 2 Posts, Lions Central, Inside Lion & Captain’s Run have been excellent. Don’t dumb it down and lose all that goodwill you’ve earnt, just to fill an extra 30-40 minutes of screen time with inane drivel. Or, if you must have content, why not the excellent Nick Phipps and Hoops (who’s been a revelation in his new role) talking tactics to rugby fans. Slow down the replays, use the technology you have to show us what’s trying to be achieved and what’s being done to counter it. Use instances from the test just played or tour games to show examples and educate the rugby masses. That would, in my opinion, be a great watch.

I accept that not all coverage needs to be serious or deep diving, I have no issues there. But perhaps we could park the 1990s ‘Footy Show’ type rubbish where it belongs. Back in the past, or at loig HQ, and help lift awareness and support for our game to new crowds, re-engage current fans and still have some fun on the way.

Now, where’s my $14.95 Aldi Pimz?

Friday’s Goss with Hoss.

What ‘sporting capital’?

You often hear the Mexicans blowing their own trumpet about how Melbourne is ‘the sporting capital of Melbourne’, but they can’t even sell out a Lions test match! Maybe next time we should just bypass the home of expensive coffee and crap street art and have it in Perth instead. Just a thought.

Fool’s gold for Reds in dem dere hills.

Stick with me here. According to the QRU, as told to SMH, somehow Jordan Petaia’s NFL defection means that the Reds have an expansion opportunity in the US of A that could yield untold wealth and katrillions of dollars for the QRU. Right.

Yep the same Jordie Petaia who couldn’t string three games together in Oz, but is doing OK in Seppo land, is the key to unlocking the vast untapped reserves of Americans just yearning to play rugby and the gold rush that will undoubtedly follow. Unless the QRU are going to hand out semi-automatic firearms at halftime and a variety of school aged children to shoot at, the Seppos are never going to engage with rugby. They’re too inward looking, too disinterested and just, well, too dumb.

I’ll say it again (add cynical upward infliction), right.

Marsters Blaster!

Big G&GR shout out to a favourite of ours, Wallaroo Ash Marsters. This weekend AM notches up 40 Caps in gold and is the first Wallaroo ever to do so. A player at home at #2 or #7, I love the way she plays the game. Tough, fair and with great skills and a big motor. Congratulations Ash, go well and go get ’em.

Perth Sucks.

This one’s a real head scratcher. 50+ caps for the Farce and two cap Wallaby, Issak Fines-Leleiwasa, has not only signed with the Drua for 2026 but has also declared his intention to play for the Fijian national side if chosen, he’ll be available for selection from October 2026. A player of real talent and experience, deprived of game time out west and now lost completely.

That’s unacceptable.

Rassie’s rabble

How good are the Boks going when you can leave dual World Cup winners, Lukhanyo Am, Faf de Klerk and Makazola Mapimp, out of the squad for their two tests against Wallabies next month! In an embarrassment of riches the rugby renegade has selected:

Forwards: Lood de Jager, Pieter-Steph du Toit, Jean-Luc du Preez, Eben Etzebeth, Vincent Koch, Siya Kolisi, Wilco Louw, Malcolm Marx, Bongi Mbonambi, Franco Mostert, Ox Nche, Ruan Nortje, Asenathi Ntlabakanye, Kwagga Smith, RG Snyman, Marnus van der Merwe, Marco van Staden, Boan Venter, Jan-Hendrik Wessels, Cobus Wiese

Backs: Kurt-Lee Arendse, Damian de Allende, Andre Esterhuizen, Aphelele Fassi, Sacha Feinberg-Mngomezulu, Ethan Hooker, Jesse Kriel, Cheslin Kolbe, Willie le Roux, Manie Libbok, Canan Moodie, Handre Pollard, Cobus Reinach, Edwill van der Merwe, Morne van den Berg, Grant Williams, Damian Willemse

Rassie Borthwick

planetrugby.com reports English plodder Steve Borthwick is a Rassie fan-boy and intends to trot out the 7:1 bench idea pioneered by the the Dutch Dirt Farmer coach when the Soap Dodger contest next year’s 6N. That’s all well and good but, looking at the depth the Frogs are building and themselves advocates of the great South African stain on the game, I’d be plotting how to stop Les Bleus who look at unbackable odds to win next year’s 6N. Perhaps Pommy Rassie might try something more innovative like an 18:1 bench, just to help.

Until next week – close the office door, turn up the speakers and Lose Yourself (you know you want to).

Go the Wallabies

Hoss – out.