Never fear, (black) Friday is here!
Greetings rugby lovers and welcome to another Friday’s Rugby News. Far too much balance and rational discussion on G&GR this week, so it’s time to tip the scales back to mayhem. Today we take a look at the case ‘for’ the Wallabies and life under St Joe with ‘As Good As New Zealand’. Before looking at the case ‘against’ in ‘WTF Was That?’. Take a gander at some British opinions in ‘The Lions Are Coming’. Roll out the welcome mat with ‘Crouching Rooster, Waiting Wallaby’. Preview the upcoming Ireland v Wallaroos match in ‘Paddy Whack!’ Before wrapping up another seam splitting rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, now hyper vigilant to ensure immigrants don’t eat my alpacas.
As Good as New Zealand: the Case For.
A cursory look at any 2024 rugby facts shows we are currently as good as the Kiwis, possibly even better when you pull apart the data. As regular readers will attest, I am a stickler for detail, and below are the undisputable facts:
- Minstrels one win, three losses 2024 TRC Campaign
- Wallabies: same
- Minstrels: consecutive defeats to South Africa 2024
- Wallabies: same
- Minstrels: one loss at home, one win at home v FISMs
- Wallabies: one win away (tick to us) and one loss away v FISMs
- Minstrels: 4 from 7 in 2024 = 57.16% win rate.
- Wallabies 4 from 7 in 2024 = same
So just exactly which Kiwi coach will be under the most pressure when these two evenly matched sides meet next week? Why, Razor of course. And rightly so.
Let’s be honest for a minute. Even I could’ve coached that Crusaders dynasty to 16 titles in a row. They had Richie somebody, Dan Carter, Kieran Read, Hodor, Codey Taylor, Princess Moánga, the whole set of 11 Barrett brothers, their cousins and second cousins together with electric backs and majestic loosies to go with props like Ann Franks’ uncles, Ben and Owen, not to mention the throat crusher, Joe Moody. Quiet simply, they had an embarrassment of riches. Nearly self-coached riches at that.
But plop old Razor into the national set-up and well, he blows chunks. Big ol’ elephant size, gas filled, chunks. So much so that even the man Kiwis were so keen to get rid of as coach, one Fozzie B Bear, had a career 70% win rate! Go figure.
Everyone, myself included, expects the Minstrels to beat our lot. But have you dared ponder, what if they don’t? Or perhaps just as bad, what if they do, but it’s unconvincing? What exactly will be the pass mark for the AB head coach? The same coach who sacked his attack coach before the Saffa series (how many tries did they score in SA again? Hmmm). The same coach who has yet to achieve anything of note at test level (they barely beat England!). The same coach who was the ‘promised one’ who would lead them to reclaim their birthright. The same one who has a 57.16% win rate.
Everybody knows that the Wallabies are on a rebuild, reset, a rugby re-awakening. So just what will be an acceptable outcome for a Kiwi coach, a Kiwi side and indeed entire rugby loving Kiwi nation, when they play us? And just imagine for a minute that they don’t win?
Scary, huh.
WTF Was That?: the Case Against.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, WTF was that?
Have our expectations as Australian rugby fans, fallen so far, that we barely rise up with a whimper, let alone with the venom, bile and anger that the Wallabies most recent performance warrants? Have we Wallaby fans become that resigned, that accepting of dog vomit being presented as vichyssoise that we are willing to swallow and accept nearly 70 POINTS scored against our national side?
Is our only response to be a daisy chain of hymn-singing acceptance, Bob Marley style, that ‘every little thing gonna be alright now‘? Can you please pass me what you’re inhaling, Rastas, cause sure as spit it must be buffalo tranquiliser. Wake up from your slumber Rugby lovers!
We just got sodomised by Argentina. You can talk till you’re blue (and white) in the face about respect and their game and all that other crud, but it’s still ARGENTINA! A nation that gave us, that gave us, ummm, some soccer guy whose main claim to fame was cheating in a World Cup and then continuously snorting coke for 40 years until he unexpectedly died! Argenbloodytina! After LEADING 20-3 (a considerable lead at that), we then conceded 64 points to our 7. Just let that hang in the air for a minute.
And it gets worse. We have back-to-back games coming up against the Minstrels, sitting across the ditch festering after being twice dusted in Rassie Land. And not festering in the way those unwashed Hobbits normally fester, but festering in a ‘I am gonna kill someone on a rugby field’ sort of way. And who do they play next up?
As confronting, humiliating and scary as that result against the FISMs was, it’s nothing compared to how humiliating and scary the lack of response has been from Australian fans. And don’t get me started on player performances. Marika is surely on a plane back to Nipponville. Bobby V surrendering in a tackle, leading to a 5m scrum, leading to a try. 7As and Slips should be looking into nursing home accommodation. The Abattoir is probably getting tired just thinking about the next game. Maybe he’s already asked to be substituted?
That Argentinian game stained the jersey. It stained the code and it stained the Wallaby name. And if that ain’t enough to make you mad as hell, mad enough to demand more, so much more, then that’s an even greater tragedy than the result.
Meek acceptance of the Santa Fe Surrender? Never.
The Lions are Coming.
On the back of the Santa Fe Surrender, the chirping has started up north regarding the near futility of the Lions touring here in 2025. And the worst part? They kinda have a point. Ben Youngs, 127 cap Soap Dodger veteran, has fired a few shots about the pending FUKIRs tour. And in fact, is calling for a quick reschedule to have the Lions tour South Africa instead. Ok, ok, we know that won’t happen. But you get his point.
Imagine for a minute a FUKIRs side containing a majority of Oirish players? Coached by the current Oirish coach? And then sprinkled with the best of the rest of the UK. Sure, there’ll ne no Welsh players and few Scots (Stuart Hogg will likely be doing 5-10 on future charges), but you sill have one or two other handy players like Maro Itoje who will feature, for example.
And yes, Youngs has never won any trophy of merit (the 6N is like a merit award for sides who can’t win the RWC). And yes, he was also part of a Pommy side who couldn’t get past the pool rounds in their own 2015 World Cup. But still, based on current form, the likely Oirish DNA of the Lions and the resultant lack of tangible growth so far (what little there was disappeared in a haze of humiliation last week), the FUKIRs will put 55 points on our Wallabies without breaking a sweat.
Youngs tells planetrugby.com “And Australia, I don’t know, I’ve been really patient with Australia because I think in Joe Schmidt they have an obviously proven very, very good coach. But Argentina just blew them away. I’m looking at and thinking the Lions are better off going to South Africa and touring there. Given that the last time they went there no fans were allowed. I don’t know, maybe we’ll just do a reunion of 2013 and we’ll just go f***ing do the business on them – get all the lads out of retirement’
Crouching Rooster, Waiting Wallaby.
Stories on multiple platforms last night that incoming $5.35m gaolball recruit, Caitlyn Jenner (Joseph Sua’ali’i) declaring ‘I know I will be on the Wallaby end of year tour’. Jenner is scheduled to play for his side the the ‘Salary Cap Stretchers’, Easts Roosters, against perennial loig heavyweights, the Penrith Poker Machine Panthers, tonight in what could possibly be his last match in the code for a few years.
You can argue all day long about the volume of money spent, the risks, the rewards blah blah blah. But I, for one, am excited. Will it work? I have no idea. Could the money have been spent elsewhere? Probably. But, so frigging what. The most recent performance and loss, plus the lame duck response from fans and media alike, will haunt me longer than the $5.35m speculated on this young man.
I would also argue that before Dusty Springfield (Izzy Folau) left our code, every time and I do mean every time, he touched the ball for the Wallabies I would sit a little more upright and breathe a little sharper, with a sense of anticipation and excitement of just what he could do on a rugby field. Many on here will bleat and moan that he wasn’t a rugby purist and couldn’t do this, or couldn’t do that. But he could and did, make rugby exciting to watch for this fan and you always felt that your side was a chance with him in it.
This young man is 21, he is an incredible athlete and a childhood rugby player. Will that be enough? No. But it’s a great starting point to build from. And let’s be honest, exactly what have we got to lose?
Welcome, Joseph.
Paddy Whack!
Saturday, 14 September: Ireland v Wallaroos. Kingspan Stadium. Belfast. 11.20pm AEST
Saturday sees our Wallaroos take on the Irish side for the first time in seven years. The match serves as a precursor to both the WXV2 campaign straight after and as part of a run in for the 2025 RWC also to be held in the UK.
Coach Jo Yapp has shaken things up making a number of changes, including anointing a new skipper in Siokapesi ‘Cliffy’ Palu. The changes don’t stop there, with Nathan Williamson of rugby.com.au who identifies as a ‘journalist’, reporting:
The Brumbies skipper forms a new-look backrow alongside Leilani Nathan and Tabua Tuinakauvadra Tuinakauvadra replaces the inured Piper Duck at number eight whilst the elevation of Nathan back into the starting side comes as Ash Marsters moves to hooker following a finger injury to Tania Naden.
Bridie O’Gorman shifts from tighthead to loosehead prop after Brianna Hoy ruptured her ACL at training. It’s a new look halves partnership as Natalie Wright gets her first start for the Wallaroos alongside Faitala Moleka. Maya Stewart completes her return from a hamstring injury to partner Desiree Miller and Lori Cramer in the other change to the backline. On the bench, forwards trio Alapeta Ngauamo, Tiarah Minns and Lucy Dinnen are in line for their Wallaroos debut.
Go you good things.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
JOC Jumps.
News yesterday that ol’ man O’Connor, Reds spiritual leader, soothsayer and unofficial druid, has called time on his time up north and indeed, in Oz and heads for pastures unknown (at this point).
There’s certainly much to admire about the person that JC 2.0 evolved into. He was always an unquestioned rugby talent. But on top of that, the man who returned to our shores five years ago was also a very decent human being. And for me, I’ll miss both those aspects. JOC told the Reds press:
“I’m departing Queensland a better player, leader and man, and I’m so grateful to have been able to play for this team, my home. The club couldn’t be in better hands. Les and the other coaches are easily the most cohesive group I have ever worked with and I’m thankful I got to be a part of it this year. I have no doubt that there’s a lot of success to come and I’ll be watching from abroad with deep gratitude. Thanks for everything Queensland. It’s been a dream come true.”
Who could begrudge JOC2.0 topping up his super over the next few years. Go well JOC and from all at G&GR we wish you every success and happiness and would love to see you in gold again.
Gateau Law. No More.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pick the best Australian players, regardless of where they’re based. It’s time to be brave and think anew.
A Friend in Need.
A coup for the 2025 SRW Brumbies campaign with the news on rugby.com.au that Andy Friend will be their new new head coach. Widely respected across all rugby circles, this isn’t just a coup for the Brumbies women’s side but for Australian coaching stocks in general. A friend indeed.
Polar Opposites.
How good are the Saffas going when they can leave this lot at home from the Argentina tour to ‘manage player workloads’: Bongi Mbonambi (hooker), Frans Malherbe (prop), Pieter-Steph du Toit (loose forward), Sacha Feinberg-Mngomezulu (flyhalf), Damian de Allende (centre), Cheslin Kolbe (wing) and Willie le Roux (fullback).
Could we borrow some? Please.
Strike Three.
How stupid is Stuart Hogg? Not content with two arrests this year, he was arrested and charged a third time this week only a day before he was due in court to hear matters relating to his second arrest.
planetrugby.com has more.
Square Eyes.
No TRC this weekend = no problem! The Pacific Cup is nearing the pointy end this weekend. All times are AEST and live on STAN:
- Sat 4.50pm Tonga v Canada – 5th place play off.
- Sat 7.55pm Fiji v USA – SF1.
- Sun 3.55pm Samoa v Japan SF2
What odds a Fiji v Japan final!
Until next week. Good luck golden girls.
Hoss – out.
