Dismal’s (un)Official IRB 2015 Rugby World Cup Guide

[Written some weeks ago, we’ve unearthed a unique Kiwi preview to the tournament – Ed]

Hello, and Welcome to The Official IRB 2015 Rugby World Cup Guide

Let me, your resident rugby expert (see panel pictured below, that’s me, on the far right), knowledgeably guide you through the key elements of the upcoming tournament, featuring a close-up in-depth look at all of the 19 foreign teams that are cruelly and viciously and, frankly, racistly looking to deny New Zealand their 3rd Rugby World Cup and second Rugby World Cup in succession.

Without further ado, let’s meet the teams:

Argentina

**Threat Level**:

HUGE THREAT.

NZ will have to have their shit together to beat these pricks in the group stage.

Full of beans after toppling the bokkes, now up to speed in the Tri-Nations, some NH team could get snuck up on in the quarters and mugged by these boofheads.

A quick browse through RWC history will reveal that Argentina have a sneaky habit of coming 3rd and 4th at these things.

Player To Watch: Ma’a Nonu (NZ)

He will run the midfield tiller, till the rudder, plot a course straight up the guts. Destination: Tryline. LET’S GO, NEW ZEALAND! 

 

 

 

Australia:

**Threat Level**:

All it could take is a change of wind direction, perhaps in Quade’s empty spacco vacant plot upstairs, and Australia could rain on NZ’s parade once again.

As for Australia’s “Group of Death” with Wales, Fiji and England I personally do not care what happens in this group because NZ are not in this group.

Player To Watch: Kurtley Beale

Second Player To Watch: Scott Higginbotham. 

Higginbotham, seen here arriving at Torquay International Airport for his timely “winter holidays”.

 

 

 

 

Canada

**Threat Level**:

That being, not a threat to the New Zealand national rugby team’s aspirations of hoisting The William Webb Ellis trophy at all.

Player To Watch:Brodie Retallick (NZ)

We all enjoy watching Brodie Retallick playing the game of rugby union football and, frankly, I personally think you should too.

Righto.

 

 

 

England

**Threat Level**:

These Saxon Manowar mofos hate New Zealand.

They just hate us!

NZ, with their colonial upstart agenda, took that rugger ball England gave us back in 1762 and gleefully return every November carrying the thing in readiness to punch it back up their British dates with brown filthy giddy abandon.

**WARNING TO NZ RUGBY TEAM**: please, lose to ANY OTHER TEAM before you lose to the England rugby team.

 

 

Namibia?

Fine.

Madagascar?

No problem. Had to happen some day.

Player To Watch: Conrad Smith (NZ)

Smith will want revenge for getting skinned alive on the outside by some Jonny-come-lately in about the third minute of NZ’s last encounter with England.

Second Player To Watch: Richie Mccaw (NZ)

Richie Mccaw. Eyes on the prize as always.

 

 

 

Fiji

**Threat Level**:

That being, like Scientologists, the Fijian rugby team are not really the sort of people you want to cross. Might seem nice enough, hey, hello, how you doing, but get on their wrong side and things could get ugly fast.

In previous world cups you could say the Fijian forward pack has been their downfall, not really embracing the grot work required up front. Will this again be their undoing? Locks look great in full flight but this aint no seven-a-side jog and giggle on the beach in Dubai. This is drop and groan in the gloomy mud bog piss squall and swamp of Torquay Bog and Squat Centre

Player To Watch: Dan Carter (NZ)

How will Dan go at the Rugby World Cup this time around? After 2 errant campaigns and one slightly rogered groinage sister-kisser “Winners” medal in 2011, I know I’ll be watching.

 

See part two here