Ask Bakkies; drongo won’t take the hint

Dear Bakkies,

I’m a rugby television producer in the Auckland office of a global satellite network. One of my key responsibilities is the commentator ‘talent’. And that’s my problem.

Sure, TJ and Nisbo aren’t exactly rocket scientists, but at least their stupidity isn’t to such a level that it’s caused international incidents.

Our problem is Murray Fucking Mexted. What started out years ago as a favour to keep an ex All-Black out of special needs care, has wound up as one of the biggest albatrosses in broadcasting history.

We tried to sack him and the RSPCA put in a complaint that our Australian owner upheld for “shits and giggles”.

We tried to force him out by spray painting “FUCK OFF MURRAY” in the broadcasting box, but he’s heard it said to him so many times throughout his life that he actually thinks “fuck off” is  an informal way of saying “hello”.

Then we had a brainwave and managed to con ITV into hiring him for RWC’07 in Europe, but the reaction was so extreme that the European Union passed an act declaring him EU Persona Non-Grata. The first time they’ve ever voted unanimously on anything.

So, in desperation we managed to ship him over to South Africa last weekend for the Sharks vs Tahs game by bullshitting them it was Nisbo they were getting. They were fucked off, but let him call the match with that Pommy fuckwit (Murray even made him look like a brain surgeon). Then this happened:

The silence you hear at the end is Stransky ripping off his headset and charging up to the press box to show Murray what the receiving end of the hardest fucking kick up the arse feels like. Security just caught the little bugger at the studio door.

So now we’re fucked. He’s the world’s stupidest man still breathing for himself, we can’t fire him and both hemispheres won’t take him off our hands.

Bakkies, what should we do?

Bliksem this is a difficult one.

You know if he is  a disgrace for a Guppie like fancy boytjie Stransky, its pretty plain and simple. That Guppie lot is more in hair does and surfing, you just have to look at fatty Boer Boys like Jannie Doep  and Carstens.

Smart boys when they arrived but since they learn the art of smoking dried banana skins and to ride Durbs waves they turn into kak in no time.

Think the opposite will work for Mexted, bring him up to the Bosveldt, places like All Days and flip him in the bar. That lot will first teach him to drink Jan Groentjie and will shift a KameelDoring spoon up his arse, so anytime he talk kak over the TV, only needing someone to twist the spoon for him to change his tune.

Hope my advice is tip top,

Bakkies