Greetings, salutations and welcome back to another Friday’s Rugby News instalment. Special thanks to Yowie for stepping up last week. Comparisons are always unfair but, it’s like asking Shannon Noel to fill in for Pavarotti. Sure it’s noise, but is it really music?
We are at that awkward time of the year. Southern Hemisphere rugby is done and the northern adventures are within touching distance and, thankfully, everyone’s favourite pantomime villain helps fill the void this weekend. So let’s hook in with ‘Everybody gets a prize’. Before a rallying call to arms in ‘Not personal? My arse!’. Pay credit where none’s been due before in ‘Rank Factor’. Then spend 10 minutes* with our head coach before he jetted off for ‘Toe to toe with St Joe’. Finish up by challenging everything you thought you knew in ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss‘, now offering rare French diamonds (via crypto payment) for a steal. Email hoss@louvreliquidationsale.com.au for a buyer’s catalogue today.
Everybody gets a prize.
Japan v Wallabies at National Stadium in Tokyo on Saturday, 25 October at 4:50pm AEDT. Live on Stan.
‘Roll up, roll up and try your luck. Here’s a jersey, oh and if you’ve been a good boy, here’s the captain’s armband as well!’
Bloody hell, Gaggers. There’s ‘freshening up the troops’ and then there’s ‘drunken dartboard selection bingo’ as well. When I first saw the team yesterday I thought the rooster who sent it to me must have enjoyed a sherbert too many at lunch. I mean Nic de Crispy Charcuterie as captain, what gives there? It’s an odd call and one I have two major issues with:
- He doesn’t play for the Tahs.
- He doesn’t play for the frigging Tahs.
I mean, it’s not a bad team per se, it’s just, well, an unusual team. I can sort of understand the captain decision. I’d reckon Commissioner Gordon (who you’d reasonably expect to be captain. I mean he captains his state side and he plays for the Waratahs, so ‘tick’ and ‘tick’ there) and The Pavlova will be off at half time, replaced by Lonners and the returning Flash Gordon. Similarly, Maxwell Williams (another state captain) will likely make way for the Prey Mantis: Josh Canham. Fair enough.
As for the rest there’re a few state combos here and there. There’s the reliable Ginga Ninja at the back to coordinate the defence and some size in the pigs, and I’m real happy to see The Bulldog Tizzano get some proper game time as well.
As for the Japanese team, I note 16th generation Samurai warrior descendant Harry Hockings-san didn’t make the game day squad. However Dylan ‘Dojo’ Riley, ‘Bonsai Ben’ Gunter, ‘Kamikaze Jack’ Cornelsen and ‘Suzuki Sam’ Greene will all feature.
I know it’s essentially a glorified training run against Japan. And ‘yes’ we will beat them so badly that the events at Hiroshima won’t seem bad in comparison. This match is all about resting those who’ll play four on the bounce up north, while getting some valuable minutes into those without much game time of late who’ll likely be impact players in the days ahead.
Fearless Prediction: Wallabies by 85.
Australia (15-1): Andrew Kellaway; Corey Toole, Josh Flook, Hunter Paisami, Dylan Pietsch; Tane Edmed, Jake Gordon; Rob Valetini, Carlo Tizzano, Nick Champion de Crespigny (c); Lukhan Salakaia-Loto, Jeremy Williams; Zane Nonggorr, Josh Nasser, Angus Bell
Replacements: Billy Pollard, Aidan Ross, Tom Robertson, Josh Canham, Harry Wilson, Ryan Lonergan, Hamish Stewart, Filipo Daugunu
Japan (15-1): Yoshitaka Yazaki, Kippei Ishida, Dylan Riley, Shogo Nakano, Tomoki Osada, Seungsin Lee, Shinobu Fujiwara, Michael Leitch, Kanji Shimokawa, Ben Gunter, Warner Dearns, Jack Cornelsen, Shuhei Takeuchi, Hayate Era, Kenta Kobayashi
Replacements: Kenji Sato, Ryosuke Iwaihara, Keijiro Tamefusa, Tyler Paul, Tiennan Costley, Kenta Fukuda, Charlie Lawrence, Sam Greene.
Match Officials: Referee: Ben ‘BOK’ O’Keeffe (NZR) Assistant Referee 1: Angus ‘Young’ Mabey (NZR) Assistant Referee 2: Morgan ‘Turinui’ White (HKCR) TMO: Richard ‘Ned’ Kelly (NZR) FRPO: Matt ‘Dirty’ Rodden (HKCR)
Not personal? My arse!
I can’t recall what I said when Uncle Dave Rennie was executed mid-term and Dr Evil reappointed to the Oz coach’s role. I couldn’t be bothered looking up my original thoughts and the facts are probably lost in the digital mists of time anyway. But, let’s just assume I was against it. Actually, come to think of it, even if I was for it my end point is the same irregardless: he shits me, he shits me bad.
He took the great love of my life, the Wallabies, and sullied them. Now before you get bent out of shape, Mrs Hoss never reads this anyway, plus the kids are at that really irritating age between when they learn to talk and when they finally move out, so I’m free to discuss my true love on these pages. And my first and true love are the Wallabies. But that traitor with the shit-eatin’ grin ruined every aspect of Wallaby fandom for me: their history, their reputation their legacy. He brought the team and the code in this country to its knees. He took a giant steaming dump on the very essence of what was so special about the Wallabies for me (and I reckon near every Wallaby fan) and then for good measure wiped his arse on the jersey before handing it back while saying ‘sayonara mate’. And did so exactly when rugby in this country was at its lowest ebb EVER. To make matters worse, if all that wasn’t bad enough, he then upset and scared Nathan Williamson at an airport press conference. And nobody puts our Natho in a corner. Nobody.
I’m sorry Dirty Harry and St Joe, but this very much is personal to me. Very friggin’ personal and it most certainly is about one person. This is a grudge match and this is a chance to shove it up the clacker of one Dr Evil. And shove it up sideways at that. Maybe for good measure using wasabi as lube.
I get you don’t want to give the opposition psychological advantage with your pre-match words and blahdy-blah-blah, so chose your words accordingly. But screw all that. I want those in gold to exact no small measure of ‘up yours’ for all us Wallaby fans still with a simmering rage at Dr Evil. I want to see 95m rolling maul tries. I want to see the ball kept in scrums as you pursue pushover tries from 65m out. I want to see you eviscerate his lot. I want you to batter, bash and bulldoze them from one end of the field to the other and show no mercy. No mercy at all. When the full time siren sounds and the dust settles, I want Dr Evil to feel the abject emptiness and void that he brought to our players, our game and us fans.
Not personal? My arse it ain’t.
Rank Factor.
rugby.com.au hack and Eddie-o-phobe Nathan Williamson, has finally written an interesting article where he discusses the various permutations facing our lot as they head north, vis-a-vie world rankings and their implications for RWC2027.
Current World Rankings .
- South Africa (92.20 points)
- New Zealand (90.02)
- Ireland (89.83)
- France (87.82)
- England (87.64)
- Argentina (83.82)
- Australia (82.93)
- Scotland (81.57)
- Fiji (81.16)
- Italy (77.77)
Rather than rehash it all here, check out Mr W’s excellent article. Those who read the whole thing will also get a ‘friend request’ by Natho on Farcebook and receive a candy friendship bracelet with your name likely misspelled on it.
G&GR Godfather Sully, also provided a link to this site as well, where you can plug in the data to see real time implications for rankings. And remember, by the end of November our lot must be in the top #6 in the rankings to ensure a smoother path in our own Rugby World Cup.
Toe to toe with St Joe.
St Joe was good enough to spend 10 minutes* with yours truly before flying out to Nippon. While short in time, he was rapid fire and honest in response:
H: St Joe, welcome to Friday’s on G&GR
SJ: Pleasure’s all mine Hoss, in fact a heap of our lot want in on a Friday, the squad are massive fans.
H: Thanks Joe, they’re only human. For all the talk about ‘focusing on the game at hand’ and the BS deflection, how much do some of those burnt by Eddie, want this win badly?
SJ: Oh shut Hoss, they want to ground his face into the dirt and wash it clean with what F-mac has described as a ‘team sprinkler’ routine.
H: I’ve seen videos of that sort of thing. What will be a satisfactory result for you in Nipponville?
SJ: Winning by 85.
H: Now we’re talking. After that your off to the land of curries, warm beers and a pre-dominantly middle eastern population, when you go to England. Any scores to settle their?
SJ: Every man and his dog knows we got stiffed by the bald Italian in the Lion series, so yeah Hossy, few scores to settle up there for sure. Besides, we are unbeaten at Twickenham under my watch.
H: You then have the Italian match?
SJ: Northern Japanese Hoss.
H: It’s then payback time for the Lions robbery when you face off against a ‘very experienced’ Oirish side?
SJ: ‘Very experienced’? That’s one way to put it. I don’t know whether to play against them, or carbon date them Hossy. Us by 40 in that one. Those ol’ farts just won’t keep up.
H: The tour finishes November 22nd with a match against the Dupont-less Frogs, surely the little generals absence tilts the scales a touch golden?
SJ: Love where your heads at Hoss. Yep, no Dupont, no French win. We will clean sweep the north.
H: Lastly, Aiden ‘The Horse’ Ross is in line for a debut this week, he’s been in camp a while, you feel he’s ready.
SJ: Yeah look Hoss, he needed some time to become accustomed to our way as opposed to the Kiwi way, but he’s ready now
H: You mean set moves, line-out calls and such?
SJ: Oh shut no Hossy, I mean getting him to understand what ‘onside’ means and how to ‘push square’ in a scrum and the concept of ‘a gate” and how it works. You forget, he’s been a Kiwi a while and they’re like faulty computers: you gotta punch the information in a few times to get it to take.
H: Of course. Go well up north St Joe and remember: it’s top 6 or bust.
SJ: We got this Hoss. Besides, if not, Les can sort it out later.
H: Yeah, there is that I guess. Toodles.
*10 minutes may not have actually occurred. Details are hazy.
Friday’s Goss’ with Hoss.
How good.
There’s plenty of good news stories around Aussies this week. Albo selling off chunks of WA to the Seppos so they can make bombs to aim at China (or maybe they could make shite EV’s by the millions and dump them on China in retaliation?) and this in the SMH about Coinsland kid done good: WR head-honcho Dr Brett Robbo. Good stuff.
Dickie decision?
England rake Luke Cowan-Dickie has had a red card decision overturned by a Match Review Committee after receiving ‘oral submissions’ from both the perp & his victim (and fellow English teammate) Tom Willis. In a unrelated happenstance, this ‘reversal’ of the red card now sees Cowan-Dickie available to face the Wallabies on Nov 02 at Twickenanz Stadium. That must have been some oral submission?
Rissolled by Razor?
The desperate and lonely plea for friendship and affection? Or a position vacant ad from NZR as yet another coach gets rissoled by Razor? This trending in NZ now: #tiredofboningsheep?
Sungle white male over fuffty seeks sumula to sheer in compunyunsheep and advuncha un a stuctly hiturro way.
Must unjoy hunging around locker rims with swutty, huff-naked min in their twuntees to thutties. Hulps if you nuva challinge orthorratee or huv any idears dufferunt to hud coach. Must also injoy working long hours wuth untunse prissure und shut pay.
Luts of bunafuts on offer. Oversiz truvull, brickdunce lussuns Munday-Wundsday. Plus uxclusiv uxcess Thursday und Fryday as the players priktuss the sprunkler dunce. Gudd sits ut rugby mitches und ixciss to thu bust rugby mind un the wuld (just usk me)
Puckeeg negotiable wuth sucksussful kinderdate. All upplications uddrissed to Razor Robbo keer of Unzid Rugby: iamthegreatestandyoubetteragree@nzr.co.nz. PS: Inn Fuster need not upply and cun just puss right off.
stuff.bro.nz has more.
Until next week. Go the Wallabies.
Hoss – out.
