Wallaby Hoodoo Gurus?
And another thing, I’ve been wondering lately, oh victories, tell me where have you been? Now the stage is set, where’s my Bledisloe baby? Is it maybe just my Eden Park dreeeeaaaammmmm?Greetings from lockdown earthlings!
It’s THAT time of year again, when a young fan’s fancy turns eastward to a small, obscure, poxy little outcrop on the arse of the pacific. Where men are ‘real men’ and livestock are perpetually nervous. Yep, it’s Bledisloe time and where else would you hold it twice but at the graveyard of ambition, the ‘hoodoo’ of Oz Rugby – Eden Bloody Park.
This week there’s almost too much Rugby to discuss. Is ‘Rassie’ Afrikaans for ‘dickhead’, does Gatland & his ‘FUKIRS’ have an ace up their sleeve for the ill-tempered showdown in what has been a dull-as-dogshit series. And we get a rare and fascinating insight into the resident evil & darkness that is former Nearlies coach ‘Shag’ Hansen’s grey matter.
All this and Friday’s Fast 5 Bonus, the only patented 5 Piece Bonus in Oz on a Friday, anywhere in World Rugby (you’re welcome Australia)
Ya gotta love Rugby dontcha!
Reasons the Wallabies will win
– Statistically we will win sooner or later, so why not sooner – right? If maths has taught us anything, its that 100% of the time, statistically, anything is likely to happen.
– Youthful team. The history of rugby is littered with success stories of young sides on the rise or if you will, on the upward swing of their trajectory verse that of aging former greats who’s best days lay clearly behind them. I mean think back to the great young Aussie sides on the rise like the ’99 Wallabies, or the ’99 Wallabies & not forgetting the ’99 Wallabies.
– ‘Unscarred’ side, well relatively anyhow. The ghosts of hidings past aren’t as prominent with this side as former sides. You have a nucleus of young players in the Wallaby Orange accustomed to winning and like the WWB, winning is highly infectious across a group.
– Been in camp 3 months. Churchill said ‘never waste a good crisis’. With the restrictions, lockdowns, disruptions, Fijian beer nights et al, the upside has been Moses & Co have had a fair crack at improving fitness, game plans and most importantly – the culture.
– Series win v Frogs. There is NOTHING that succeeds like success.
– We have the best Kiwi coach in the land – not even the Kiwi’s can say that of theirs!
– Dan ‘Chuckles’ McKellar’s influence – for mine this is a BIGGY. There’s nothin Chuckles loves more than a physical, forward dominated scrap. His Ponies are renowned for it and have always fared well against those SR sides from Poxville. Look for his fingerprints all over our forward play on Saturday. With Chuckles resigning (as in ‘leaving’) his Ponies post after the conclusion of the 2022 SR season, to concentrate on Gold – we are in good hands. Gold dynasty anyone?
– The Nearlies got roughed-up by Fiji. That’s right Fiji. A nation of 384 people, 362 of them over 72 years old and they took it too the Nearlies in the Nearlies OWN house! If it wasn’t for some ‘home town’ calls by a ‘home town ref’ in test #1 it could have been rather embarrassing for the home side (what Kiwi refs favour the home side – I never……….). Imagine losing to a PI side on your home soil, it’s enough to cause you to block it from your memory for ever – I’d imagine.
– They don’t know who there best #10 is – make a decision already.
– Like rancid yoghurt, the culture of the ‘Nearlies’ side is off. Coach ‘Not Scott Robbo’ (NSR) & yappy falsetto TJ Paranoia duking it out in the media. Knuckles Frizzell and his assault charges, Aaron Smith’s erections every time he’s near a porcelain cubicle (you’d hate to room with him and be brushing your teeth at the sink – if he asks you to pull on a woolen crew-neck you’d best run). Yep, to quote some old Pommy playwright, ‘something is rotten in the state of Denmark.’
Reasons we may, however highly unlikely, possibly not win.
Ahhhh, The New Zealand ‘Nearly’ All Black Rugby side, how I loathe thee, let me count the ways………..
– Barrett Brothers Benched. Any side that can put Huey, Dewey and Louie on the pine must be doing alright. Princess Mounga and Jon Bon Jovi wannabe and serial red card offender Damien McKenzie getting the prized starting gig and their pace is something special and Moana’s goal kicking has been laser-like
– Big mobile on-baller’s x 3. The loose trio of the Nearlies aren’t to be sneezed at, big quick, aggressive and mobile. Look for 6,7 & 8 in the dark jerseys to be everywhere – no respite for the Orange ones at ruck and maul time that’s for sure. My tip is that here is where the game will be won or lost and it’s here that Naisarani will be missed the most (damn you forbidden nectar)
– A winning streak at Eden park dating back to Phar Laps maiden Group One win and a Bledisloe trophy that has had less Australian hands on it than an interns arse-cheeks at Parliament House.
– A pedigree and a history that just can’t be ignored (yes – that’s a compliment – screenshot it and choke on it Kiwi bastards)
– Home town referees. Yep, I am getting in early as insurance. What chance a neutral impact from home town ref’s? Quick, go to your windows and look skywards, you could see pigs flocking towards the west……..
‘A soufflé doesn’t rise twice’
The ill tempered, nasty, strange, weird and ultimately exceptionally dull test series between the ‘FUKIRS’ (corrected last week as I left the ‘I’ for the Oirish component out and thankfully pointed out to me by GAGR resident oversees correspondent ‘Georgia Satellite – Georgia as in ‘piss off Vladimir’, not as in ‘man servant bring me my confederates slippers’) & Dutch Dirt Farmers comes to a, well, dull crescendo this week somewhere in South Africa where they aren’t killing each other apparently.
One tidbit from Rugby Pass this week that caught my eye and got me thinking was this from FUKIRS coach Warren Gatland and scarily I agree with the NZ born, Welsh, Hurricanes, FUKIRS mentor. Passion might work once, but I don’t reckon it will work twice (cue Dr Keating’s famous quote here) – not by a long way. Passion is good for short bursts, for generating immediate impact, grabbing peoples attention and perhaps injecting some momentum and instant results. But passion is also like fireworks, spectacular, however not sustainable and hardly solid ground to build a game plan or a series decider around.
With the DDF playing their hand already AND with no Faf De Klerk or Pieter-Steph Du Toit (why do SAFFA”s names all sound like some version of tropical crotch-rot?) I reckon the FUKIRS could ground there way to a series win and give Gatland the distinct record of going unbeaten in three series against the Southern Hemisphere’s mightiest sides & New Zealand. Not a bad CV at all.
As for the contest – Kiwi coaching seat warmer, Mr I Foster, summed it up best when he said ‘it put me to sleep’. Amen cuz.
The Friday Fast 5
Corona Virus scare in Camp Wallaby?
The Wallabies ‘beer brothers’ could be forgiven for the misunderstanding surrounding the dangers of Coronavirus whilst in Camp Wallaby. Perhaps they thought they were supposed to drink said elixir to ward off any potential infections? Whatever happened Moses’ & the leadership groups actions were swift & correct with skipper Lee Majors telling the SMH he & others in Club Wallaby are less than impressed with the ‘Brotherhood of Beer’.
Sinckler innocent but guilty
Planet Rugby reports FUKIRS prop Kyle Sinckler was found not guilty through lack of evidence on a biting charge from the second test v the DDF. One must be presumed innocent until proven guilty, but given his chequered disciplinary record that features bans for eye-gouging and swearing at a referee, the Bristol Bears front-row could have been looking a lengthy ban for an offence that carries a minimum suspension of 12 weeks. What’s the old adage of where there’s smoke there’s Sinckler holding a box of matches………
‘Oh captain, My captain’
‘O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done, The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won’Rugby’s Yoda, Mr Wayne Smith of SMH fame, writes an interesting piece and publicly apologises to to Wallaby skipper, Mr Lee Majors. Now if the rest of you will start penning your apologies and embrace what Hoop’s ‘is’ rather than what he ‘isn’t’ perhaps we can all move on. To be fair, my views of his captaincy were exactly the same as Mr Smiths, not of Hooper as a player, but of our ‘record’ with him as skipper.
Waratahs takes over national 7’s?
In a play straight out of Waratahs Boardrooms, FUX Rugby reports the failed Aussie 7’s coaches appear to have been 3 year extensions to their contracts PRIOR to the Tokyo Olympics campaign. Whilst Tim Walsh & John Manetti are not without their talent, experience & credentials SURELY as a minimum KPI, a medal or place in the semi-finals would have been one of the requirements for any contract renewal ? I understand RA are looking for continuity leading into Paris 2024 and I am not suggesting the coaches get rissolled because of Tokyo, but surely a more judicious approach should have been in place with more thorough KPI and perhaps a shorter term on the renewal to drive better outcomes for the men’s & women’s 7’s sides?
I’d love to have a beer with Duncan Hansen
Call him what you will, but I for one will be buying Shag’s autobiography, unsurprisingly titled ‘How to Mind-Phuck Wallaby Coaches’ ‘The Legacy’. A master coach and it seems also a master in the arts of psychological warfare, Shag goes into detail about his thoughts and tactics that he used to out-coach, out-think and simply outplay three successive Wallabies Coaches – Dingo, Link and Segall. For all the pain he has caused me as a Wallabies fan over the years, I can’t help but think I’d love to be across the table from him, a few whisky’s in our bellies, a pie or three and just listen to the man talk. For he took what Ted started and changed the game forever and oversaw true greatness.
That’s all for me this week & time for these Wallabies to break the Eden Park ‘hoodoo.’
Come on boys – simply just ‘get it done’.
Cheers & see you next week
Hoss
