It’s the morning after the mourning after and time for reflections, player ratings, the French’s Benny Hill impersonation & your ‘Fast 5 Bonus’ plus the usual dose of complete and utter Friday gibberish – enjoy, or not.
Wallabies.
(Apologies to the Swedish super group – the three ‘plain’ looking ones and the smoking hot blonde, Bjorn I think it is?)
My, myTo the Wallabies, the Tadpoles did surrender Oh, yeah
And I bet Dave Rennie nearly walked away With no trophies on the shelf
us fans are shitting ourselves Wallabies
You should be defeated, but won the war Wallabies
Were trying to love you forever more Wallabies
Why is it you always play like poo? Wallabies How do us fans get through to you?
Wo, Wo, Wo, Wo -Wallabies?
F**k it’s hard following the Wallabies. My, my
You had a crack, but France were just much stronger
Oh, yeah
And now it seems our only choice is putting up with your shite
Should be defeated, you won the war
Wallabies
Trying to love you for ever more Wallabies Knowing my fate is to be with you
Wo, Wo, Wo, Wallabies F**k it’s hard following the Wallabies.
GAGR Official Player Ratings
Patented GAGR Scoring system
1-5 Did they play? 6-7 Did what they should – whacky-doo 7.01-8 Above average 8.01 -9 Very Strong & consistent 9.01 – 10 Buy the man a beer – outstanding
1. Jimmy Slips – Solid Shift – done good. Set piece was strong. He & 7A’s often don’t get due credit for Golds set piece strength as TT gets the accolades. But Slips & 7A’s always lay a solid platform – always. 6.5
2. Lightning – Solid all round game, busy and strong at set piece. No dumb penalties and did his work without fuss or much failure. 7.00
3. 7A’s – refer Jimmy Slips comments. 6.5
4. The Bull-shitter. Line-out general and strong set piece play. I noted a few pastries around the midriff, but he was a welcome addition back in the engine room. 6.5
5. FKA. Set piece work was good, but largely innocuous around the park. When will he unleash the beast that lurks within and truly take a game by the scruff of the neck and impose his physical will on it? 5
6. Sideshow Bob. Disappointing impact and seemingly lack of general involvement. SR dominance certainly doesn’t automatically translate to Test dominance, but would like to have seen more carries and intent. 4.5
7. Lee Majors. His captaincy and calm head were outstanding – good decisions around when to go for posts & territory and solid around the park, including a ‘reverse park’ try. 7
8. Dirty Harry – my MOTM. Busy, strong on both sides of the ball and effective. Loses .50 for scrum error but this kids got game. 7.5
9. The Commissioner. Nerves, rust or channelling the spirit of The Bovine Sprinkler – either / or, he was dreadful. 3.5
10 Genesis. No doubt he needs more time, but I thought he was fairly flat and that behind a pack doing well. Needs more time in the saddle perhaps, but JOC must be #10 in Mexico. 5
11. The Exocet – delivered on everything you like about him, hard on the ball, involved, explosive and committed – can overplay the ‘quick tap’ sometimes when tackled when really the ball should go wider. He seem to imbibe the spirit of ‘Lang Park’ & the Ghost of ‘Three Knees’ from Roy & HG’s halcyon origin calling days. 7.0
12 Two-Cows. Still injured or has age wearied him? I don’t recall any meaningful impact or contribution. Bad one-on-one missed tackle that let France invade our 22 for first try – he simply got burnt for pace. Missed a few cleanouts and looks to have slowed somewhat. Poor all round game, but cream rises to the top – unless it’s curdled & past it’s ‘use by’ date…….. 4
13. The Squatter. Tried hard, too hard on occasion. Overplayed his hand with a few kicks late – not the cross field attempt, but a few that effectively just handed back possession late in the game and to be frank he got lucky we got out of jail. Hard not to like the guy though. The pre-match interview around his rugby journey and the tears in his eyes during the anthem – it means the world to him. Although any more tears on camera may need a nickname upgrade to ‘Hawkey’. 6.5
14. TBA. Must be Catholic. Didn’t see much pill and when he did he didn’t use it well. Went missing as cover D for Frogs second try – bad read or poor communication – either way he should have been cover. 4.5
15. Bastards. Just seems to lack something at this level, confidence, belief maybe? He genuinely has the skills and pace. I am keen to see what he can do over three tests. The spot is his to take…………or lose. 5
16. Uncle Fester. After a nervy start he didn’t put a foot wrong and Moses rates him as the ‘future’ of Gold #2. Certainly a big wrap and a solid start 5.5
17. The Bull. Big lump of a kid and future anchor for Gold. The kid is class. Set piece went up a notch v the Tadpole finishers as he and The Abattoir asserted smarts & dominance against their opposites. What chance both to start in Melbourne to share the workload – me thinks a near certainty. 6.5
18. The Abattoir. Did what he does best at scrum time and was involved across the paddock, loses .50 for not passing to Billy the Kid in backfield, but strong. I reckon he & The Bull start in Melbourne. 6.5
19. Lurch. Terrific debut and possibly best of all the virgins. Aggressive yet composed. Effective and went about his work like a 40 game veteran. Watch his jump in that doomed lineout- he gets up early and in front of the Frog, effectively spooking him into error. Well done that man. 7.0
20. Not that Isi. Terrific impact, real go forward, willing and his post-contact metre drive is outstanding. A starter at 6 / 8 next week with Dirty Harry swapping to 6? Suffers the ‘Fijian curse’ with the up and go (as per Exocet) that usually results in turnover pill or penalties as his supports cant get there as they are set for the ball to go wider next phase. As Kenny Rogers always said ‘you got to know when to hold ’em and know when to recycle the ball quickly’. 6.5
21. Billy the Kid. Dynamic, sharp and won us the game through his will & determination to chase the spilt French lineout. Of all times to call the fabled ‘Benny Hill’ lineout move AFTER the hooter had gone (tell me you cant hear the music in your head now. Watch the replay and hum the tune – I dare you). 7
22. Len Ikitau. His time will come. N/A
23. The Ginger Ninja. I like this young man as a player and he could be anything. Does his work to a high standard, no fuss, no histrionics but every inch a footballer. Limited time, but glimpses of what’s possible. 6
Overall team score 5.5.
For shits & giggles here is the SMH & FUX player ratings – interested in your thoughts below.
le regret
You nearly have to feel sorry for the Frogs dontcha?
They have the longest domestic season in the world. Travelled to OZ, straight into quarantine. Allowed to train together and then back to their own personal Siberia and eat-sleep-rinse-repeat for 14 days. You then fly to the QPRQ which is shite enough anyway to take on a gold team fresh from a few weeks break, been in camp and ready to pounce!
For ALL of that you largely feed the home team their taints as an amuse bouche, out-think them, out muscle them, out play them, out enthuse, out hustle and basically have the win at your feet and THEN………
As only the French can do they surrender. Throw to 2, tap down and roost into row 35 and its ‘bonne nuit infirmière’.
But no, the French do as only the French can and well……..
I did say ‘nearly’ feel sorry for them, not ‘actually’ feel sorry them.
Fridays Fast 5
Character revealing
Trying to convince all that his team weren’t really that shite on Wednesday night Moses has revealed he is also a closet ‘Dodgeball’ fan and rabbited on about ‘character revealing’ and stuff. Frankly I’d be happy if our team had no character and won a lot, you know, like the Nearlies. Borderline walking corpses the lot of em, like ‘Hodor’ Sam Whitelock for example, but they do have a half-decent win ratio though.
Dunny Luvva to ABc
The man who uses urinal ‘cakes’ as a mood fragrance and don’t even ask what he’s putting in the lavatory hand dryer when his done, has deservedly been named All Blacks Captain for this Saturdays test between The Nearlies & the Flying Fijians. Say what you want about the annoying, yappy, offside, fornicating fly half, but you can never say he isn’t the worlds premier #9 and deserving of the honour. Congratulations Mr Smith.
Legacy Whisperers.
Fresh back of his Sushi & Karaoke tour of Nipponville, Wallaby Captain Hoops has revealed to FUX the role that Both Kieran ‘McCaw-Light’ Read & High Chief Of Vaiala, Shag Hanson had on his view of the game in general, leadership & legacies. I’ve said before I truly hate how hard it is to hate the Kiwi’s as they seem completely, genuinely decent blokes. So I call out to scientists around the world today to research exactly what is it that infiltrates the nearly all black shirts, made using a blend of Polyester and Polyamide, with a pine leaf insignia on the left breast that turns them into complete bastards for 80-odd minutes during the colder weather months? Please also factor into any findings a modicum of spite, envy, jealously, pettiness and longing on my behalf into any potential algorithm.
Reality Bites
I was less than glowing in my immediate post match comments regarding those in Wallaby Orange Gold on Wednesday and two days later I stand by that. However, I am reminded by how much effort all involved put in and the sacrifices they and their loved ones make so that ‘never-was’ like me can holla from the cheap seats. Perhaps no more so than Mr M Koroibete who sacrificed being with his partner Emma for the birth of their third son in Melbourne, to play on Wednesday.
To Marika and Emma and their family from me and I am sure all on GAGR, congratulations and we wish you all a lifetime of love, of family and of good health. Enjoy this very special time.
Izzy turning Japanese? I really think so!
I simply couldn’t help myself.
The ‘law suit with legs’ starts a new chapter when he ‘supposedly’ moves to Japan to start playing with the ‘NTT useful fax machines and copying paper’ side in the Nippon Comp. Although rumblings are already gaining momentum as he contemplates suing the Japanese for being located in Asia and not adhering to the ‘Gospel according to Folau’. When told the nation was largely un-Christian, Izzy purportedly updated his famous twitter post to say that all ‘Fornicators, Left Handers, Adulterers, South Australians, Apple Mac users & Japanese’ would now burn in hell for all eternity.
Until next week, to the Wallabies I challenge you to be better than you think possible as – ‘La gloire est fugace, mais l’obscurité est pour toujours’
Hoss.
