What this week’s horoscopes mean for the Wallabies

In the professional game teams are going to great lengths to get any sort of competitive advantage.

The outsider would think this means hours and hours of sifting through statistics, video analysis and GPS data. And there was a time where this was true – coaches such as Rod Macqueen used this information to great effect in the late 90s, and Eddie Jones went even further in the early 2ooos. But the reality is rugby has long moved past these basic metrics.

Today I am going to peel back the curtain of modern professional rugby and offer you, the humble punter, a glimpse of what goes on in coaches’ offices around the world. Where pre-match planning once involved an examination of statistics, past matches and various physical indicators of players performance, things have taken a large turn towards the supernatural, the mystic and the occult.

For the last five years the Wallabies have been employing a small cast of psychics, astrologers and tarot readers to aid with selection and tactics. As a qualified astrologist myself I have been offering a weekly report to Link on what to expect from the Wallabies in the coming weekend’s match. Here is my latest effort, looking towards the third game against the French in Sydney:

As you would well know, we are currently in a Mercury retrograde cycle. When this falls in the sign of Gemini it results in chaos and uncertainty, and as such I advised a safety first approach in my analysis last week, with an importance placed on field position and a strong set piece. I was glad to see that advice was followed. However with the transition out of Gemini and into Cancer we must again shift our approach to the game.

The game takes place on June 21st, which is the Winter Solstice. On cold, short days you should be looking for leadership from players born under an Earth sign, as their melancholic nature tends to thrive under cold and dry conditions. I am glad to see the inclusion of Taurus Will Skelton for this very reason, his workrate lifts notably in lower temperatures.

With Venus transiting into the ninth house expect a confrontational performance from the Geminis in the side- James Slipper, Wycliff Palu and Nic White. This may pay dividends physically, but this can also lead to the concession of unnecessary penalties. I would be keeping a close eye on White, who normally concedes 0.72 penalties a game under regular conditions, but that number rises to 1.44 when such astrological conditions are present.

For the next few weeks expansive Jupiter will be traveling alongside the Sun, which in rugby terms means focus on lineout execution needs to be paramount. TPN is a Leo so a steady hand is to be expected in the month of Cancer, but I worry that Rob Simmons (an Aries) will be affected by the proximity of these two celestial bodies. Play it safe and stick to the front half of the lineout.

I am also a bit worried about the defence in midfield this week, and think it should be a particularly strong focus at training. The relationship between Capricorns and Aries’ is normally solid, hence the Toomua/Kuridrani pairing has been profitable. But with Mercury transiting towards the Natal Ascendant this could become more volatile – communication becomes difficult, and good centre interplay even more so. Make sure they are aware of the others position and intention at all times.

Bernard Foley is particularly important this week, as the Pallas Athene asteroid crosses the Lunar Adjunct. Foley as a Virgo has always been tied to the movement of Pallas (the reason I predicted a quiet game from him in Melbourne), and now it has moved past this point expect him to be more confident and confrontational. Expect a big spark from Kurtley Beale (another Virgo) for exactly the same reason- maybe look to get him on to the field slightly earlier than normal.

As for you, Ewen, with the Sun solidly in the first house it is understandable that you as a Cancer turn to self-reflection. I urge you to be assertive and not to second-guess your decisions, as can happen under these conditions. Trust in your preparation, and if in doubt look for the advice of a Scorpio (considering the abundance of trans-Neptunian objects clouding the centre passage). Michael Hooper or Jim McKay would both fit the bill!

So there you have it, a rare glimpse into the pre-match preparation of our national side. Expect the Wallabies to play a more positive game, with an improved effort from Bernard Foley and a big debut from Will Skelton. As for the crowd, our Mage has been hard at work to ensure plenty are attracted to the SFS on Saturday afternoon, so expect favourable winds and a sudden drop in the price of mid-strength beer!