The Crooked Feed is G&GR’s occasional column of rugby tidbits and trivia, compiled by Lee Grant. It’s based on the “Non-set pieces” thread in the Rugby Discussion Forum — a repository for things seen, heard, overheard and otherwise soon forgotten, gathered at the grounds, online and over the airwaves.
Commentators
- Manly v. Sydney University, Shute Shield Round 10 — Ben Seymour banana-kicks for the line. Brett Papworth: ‘There’s a banana, that’s an excellent one.’ Steve Robilliard: ‘There’s been a bunch of them.’
- Same game: Referee James Leckie stops the clock with three minutes to go. There has to be a scrum and a player he thinks to be replacement hooker Elvis Taione is crouching down and being attended to by a trainer. Leckie walks over to see how long it’s going to take then realises it is actually centre Lui Siale who is crocked. Leckie is heard to say ‘Sorry, I thought you were Elvis’ and Robilliard quips ‘It must have been an Elvis impersonator.’
- Matt Pearce observing Coenie Oosthuizen (Cheetahs v. Sharks, SupeRugby Round 16): ‘Nice little offload between the legs. Perfectly natural for a loose head.’
- Simon Mannix in the Toulouse v. Montpellier Top14 Final: ‘They’re dominating in just about every area. I’m going to repeat it again that this is the same scenario as we saw last week in Marseilles… here we go again.’ Some nice repetitive tautological duplications there, Simon.
- Jonah Lomu, same game, on a fight that broke out just before oranges: ‘Those fights in French rugby. it’s like those pantomimes in England — “He’s behind you!” The only danger is ever going to come from a smack behind you in France, isn’t it?’
Laws
- It was a big ask for Paddy Ryan, a THP, to replace LHP Fat Cat in the Bulls v. Tahs (Round 16) game, but his subsequent injury raised the issue of uncontested scrums again. As I have mentioned before: the French got dispensation to trial the use of an extra prop a few years ago for the Top14 and it was such a success that the Magners League and Avira Premiership use the system now too. This means that there is a matchday 23, not 22, and that the props don’t have to work so many minutes in a typical game. The sooner SANZAR starts using the system the better, and if so, the IRB should change it for Test matches also. Sure, this won’t benefit Oz teams at any level, but that’s the way I see it as a rugby lover. And by the way: was not John Ulugia suitably trained to play prop?
- Lions v. Sharks (Round 17): Taute kicked the ball from his 22. Mvovo, standing in touch, reached over in an attempt to catch the ball and knocked it forward. Referee Mark Lawrence ordered the lineout to the Sharks, mentioning that the ball was already out at the time. I didn’t think it was, because to my eyes it hadn’t passed the plane of touch, but that is by the by. What would have been the ruling had the ball not passed the plane of touch? I think that it should have been a scrum to the Lions. The ball is not automatically out if a player standing in touch slaps the ball back or kicks the ball in any direction. If he holds the ball in a catch it is clearly in touch, and whether the ball passes the plane of touch, or not, is irrelevant. But if he doesn’t hold it, and the ball has not passed the plane of touch, it is play-on. A player in touch can even ground a ball in goal whilehe is outside the field of play and score a try, provided he doesn’t actually hold the ball at the time. If Mvovo had been standing in touch and he knocked the ball back before it passed the line of touch it would have been play-on. It follows that a knock forward should be treated normally also. Therefore, had Lawrence deemed the ball to have not passed the line of touch, it should have been a scrum to the Lions.
Referees
- Cheetahs v. Sharks (as above): The first scrum is at thee minutes and the Sharks’ loose-head prop John Smit puts his hand down briefly and is pinged. Five minutes later referee Marius Jonker orders another scrum and goes to check the other side of it this time. You guessed it: Smit had his hand down again, but the Cheetahs got pinged for something done where Jonker was. Anybody else notice the humorous ‘Whew – I got away with that’ grimace of Smit to a teammate?
- Most refs have no clue. One of the best scrum referees on the planet is Romain Poite; not that he has any clue either. He just throws his arm up on the vibe of it and often, first time. This means that he gets it right about 50 per cent of the time like anybody else – but why he is the best in my eyes is that he wastes less time over it.
- Jonathon Kaplan, Stormers v. Bulls (Round 17): Jaque Fourie of the Stormers tackled Zane Kirchner, held him for the briefest moment on the ground then let him go, and got to his feet to fetch the ball. Kirchner used his residual momentum to roll and stand up, then take a few steps — and got pinged for his trouble. Kaplan said to Kirchner: ‘You were brought to ground; he doesn’t have to go on holding you. He held you while you were on the ground.’ Absolutely correct, yet how many times do we see tackled players get up and run away scot free after being held on the ground briefly? If this law is not enforced it makes a mockery of the law crackdown encouraging defending players to release them first, and forcing tackled players to follow their legal options, second.
Leftovers
- The Magners League is no more. The new title sponsor of the Celtic League, which is a tournament of 12 clubs from Ireland, Scotland and Wales, will be Dutch online banker RaboDirect. The tournament will go by the unlovely name of RaboDirect PRO12 for the next four years. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?
- Brett Papworth mentioned in the Sydney v. Country game that Dave Harvey was so close to the posts when he converted his own first try that he nearly hit the crossbar. What he didn’t mention was that he hit the post – a lamp post in the street that forms the southern boundary of Coogee Oval. Wouldn’t like to live on the other side of that street. Driving down Alfreda Street would be a bit hazardous too.
- Rod Kafer on the longevity of Tony Brown in the Waratahs v. Highlanders (Round 17) match: ‘He’s been playing the game at this level since 1996. It’s like a time warp for him.’ Indeed the Time Lord did play for the Highlanders that year, the first year of the Super 12.
Using pre at start and end – but it changes fonts
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
But everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go
It followed her to school one day
Which was against the rule
It made the children laugh and play
To see that lamb at school
