There is a fair bit of depth in the Super Rugby Ugly pool and I hope that not too many players are offended about missing a spot. There’s a majority of Kiwis in this team but that’s only fair: they have a lot of really ugly fuckers over there.
Starting XV in the G&GR Super Rugby Ugly team:
1. Gurthrö Steenkamp (Bulls) Looks like Jabba The Hutt on a bad day and outclasses Wyatt Crockett and even Jamie Mackintosh.
2. Jason Rutledge (Highlanders) This position was the hardest to pick because of the outstanding depth of ugly hookers in Super Rugby, but Jason has impeccable bloodlines. His dad, Lester, an All Black flanker, was also facially challenged. Honourable mentions to Gary Botha, Andrew Hore, Aled de Malmanche, Ged Robinson and Chilliboy Ralepelle, who must be wondering what they have to do to get picked.
3. Salesi Ma’afu (Brumbies) His team nickname is “Gorilla” and it’s not because of his animal grunt on the rugby field. Guys like Werner Kruger, who has a moosh like a potato with a few slits in it, are unlucky to miss out, but Salesi is a natural.
4. Andries Bekker (Stormers) Put a couple of bolts in the neck of this ugly sonofabitch and he could star in the next Frankenstein movie.
5. Kane Douglas (Waratahs) The young bloke may have a good bod but has a head like a robber’s dog. Mentioned in despatches: Pat O’Connor and James Horwill, for obvious reasons.
6. Adam Thomson (Highlanders) A true boofhead who could not get a date off a calendar. Jarrod “Zombie” Saffy is unlucky.
7. Phil Waugh (Waratahs) Honourable mentions to Beau Robinson, Julian Salvi and Pieter Louw, but Waugh got a part-time job once as an Orc in a Lord of the Rings movie and they didn’t have to bother with makeup.
8. Nasi Manu (Highlanders) Scares small-to-medium sized kids as he walks down the street, and they shout “Boogieman” and run away crying. I know what you are going to say: what about Kieran Read, who was offered a leading role in a Saw movie? But somebody had to miss out.
9. Brendon Leonard (Chiefs) There was outstanding depth in this spot too. Januarie, Kockott and Sheehan had strong claims and McKibbin could even have got the nod, but he hasn’t started a game this year. Surely the gong has to go to a guy who shows consistency in being a truly ugly fucker week to week.
10. Aaron Cruden (Hurricanes) Outstanding talent: has a head like a busted crab yet it still has about 10 years to go getting bashed up. Could be world class by the end of his career.
11. Luke Rooney (Rebels) is so fucking ugly that his dog closes its eyes when it humps his leg.
12. Tana Umaga (Chiefs) Lots of candidates here but nobody else gets the bags under their eyes checked by Customs. Honourable mention to young Robbie Coleman, who looks like Woody from Toy Story.
13. Stirling Mortlock (Rebels) All-time great in the position and has kept his form since that wonderful banjo sequence in the Deliverance movie.
14. Bjorn Basson (Bulls) Every team has to have a bolter and young Basson is the smokey in this team. I ask you, who else looks more like an undertaker whose haemorrhoids are flaring up? Sorry Sivi, but you have to make way for a younger bloke this year.
15. Gio Aplon (Stormers) Talk about shifty eyes: ever noticed that the guys who slip a knife into your ribs every now and then look just like Aplon? Pat McCabe was a chance, but shave away the bumfluff from his face and he looks almost homely. Never mind, Pat: a few more years of running into brick walls as you do on the footy field and you could be in the Ones. What do you think of our starting fifteen? Any truly world-class ugly fuckers who missed out?
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Dylan Dowling try – Newington v Joeys Round 6
