It’s mate against mate, state against state, hate against hate. Do I need to say it? It’s New South Wales versus Queensland. Waratahs versus the Reds. The match itself is of no consequence, for what we all really love is The Build Up. A week to live for, and to die for. A week to leave behind the cool analysis of the video chalkboard. A week to rise up off the couch, pick up a blunt instrument and start swinging. A week to ride over thine enemies, mowing like grass their fresh-fair virgins and flowering infants. Most of all, it’s a week for some old fat blokes to get their once-a-year call up from the journos. “Who’s gunna win Buddha?” “Who’s gunna win Sam?” “Who’s gunna win Campo?”
At the Green and Gold, it’s all about the fans. So we took to the streets to find a couple of supporters so irrationally driven by their arbitrary place of birth that they had actually started to develop superpowers, like the ability to see all out of just one closed eye, or the willingness to part with money for Reds’ season tickets. After a year-long search, we have found two such men.
In the Red Corner: Noddy
And so it begins. The Reds v the Tah’ts. The media tarts. Have you ever seen a more mincing, self-preening, TV-hogging bunch of girls in your life? They’re like Sydney’s own Desperate Housewives. And I’m not even talking about that embarrassing video of the Lukie, Drewie, Mummy and co prancing around in their DTs. I’m talking about how this team of pretenders are more style than substance.
Did you see The Biggest Loser this week? Where that fitness trainer dude described them as “Some of the fittest most amazing athletes in the world!” IN THE WORLD! This is Dan Halangahangagangululu and Ben Mowen we’re talking about here! Since when did appearing on reality TV constitute pre-season training? Whilst the Reds were battering it out in the intense QLD sun, these lads were swanning around on film sets. Well how about this for a dose of reality? You’re a club side Tahs! Look at you. Tom Carter, club player. Daniel H, club player. Cam Jowitt, club player. Nothing more, nothing less. Compare them to the Reds, each and everyone supreme talents with a driving focus – Genia, Ioane, Cooper, Hynes, Horwill, Braid, Higginbottham, Hardman, Daley. Super stars.
So bring it on Tahs. Yes you, who haven’t produced a Wallaby flyhalf since Mark Ella. Yes the Tahs, who couldn’t find a hooker in Kings Cross. Polata-Nau? Freier? Fitzpatrick? Glorified flankers. Yes the Tahs. The men who labelled Jeremy Tilse the Super Prop. Pfft. You make me sick. So bring it on you latte swilling, hair gel abusing, sushi eating, Trent Nathan wearing, Oxford Street shopping, Uni of Sydney attending, BMW driving, social page seeking, glory hunting, pretty boys. Bring it on. To Queensland – where YOUR tax dollar is buying US a better place to live.
Wankers. Reds by 11.
In the Blue Corner: WaratahJesus
Recently in the Sydney papers Phil Waugh sat down and asked new recruit Berrick Barnes some questions on his move to the greatest city in the world. Phil asked how the culture was different between the teams and Berrick remarked that the NSW lads were all studying and that “on my first day there were six or seven guys mulling around a computer wondering how they were going to get an accounting exam done. That was a change. It’s good.” Perhaps NSW is just ahead of QLD in this area, after all, during the off season the Reds did send Quade out to get a computer so the boys could catch up. Thus begins my 3 reasons the Tahs will win on Saturday night.
1) SMARTS: Ask a Queenslander a general knowledge question and what do you get? if you answered “blank stare” you are correct. Ask Quade to step off his right foot at training what do you get? Half an hour wait while he and five of his team mates sit around labelling his shoes “L” and “R” with a sharpie. The Queensland team has potential, I will admit that, but it is like a lion running around without a brain or a heart, think scarecrow and the gay version of the lion from Wizard of Oz combined. Sure, you’re going to get excitement, wonder and the odd few sing-a-longs, but you’re also going to get 15 blokes confused at which way they’re running.
2) JERSEYS: Red is the colour associated with the Nazi or socialist ethos of the soviet block and Germany, under the colour millions have suffered and DIED! Blue is calming, traditional, and reminds you of beautiful day’s sky. It’s the traditional Wallaby jersey as well before Queensland got involved and ruined it for everyone. I recently took a survey ‘cos that’s something I like to do in my spare time, (I would post the actual forms but I’m not sure where I put them and I’m too busy at the moment anyway), but I surveyed 100 tourists in both Queensland and NSW and found that 187 liked the Waratahs’ colours and look better than the Reds’ look. That’s not just me making up numbers, that’s a survey of tourists, not even locals, can’t argue with that.
3) COACH: The advantage in this area is clear, Queensland have a coach that was deemed not good enough for the Waratahs and not good enough for Gay Paree. Link might be the best coach Queensland have had in years, but unfortunately he has already let his tricks out of the bag, he isn’t a backline coach and he doesn’t have anywhere near the forward strength to work with that he did in NSW. On Saturday night when the whistle blows, NSW will take to the field with direction and a game plan, while Queensland will be a group of schoolboys with a dial up internet connection downloading porn. As they run out the picture will be just above the nipple, as the whistle blows they will all be champing at the bit to get their hands on it, but when they do the excitement will be too much for them to handle. Just hope you’re not near the fence in the second half: if the connection hasn’t been lost you could well cop a spray.
Waratahs by 100 million thousand. Jesus Out.
