Greetings one and greetings all and welcome to yet another Friday’s Rugby News. The wait is finally over: our Wallabies team has been announced. The Lions will arrive next week and what seemed to be so far off is finally on our doorstep. Plus we also have a SRP final to play out and so much more rugby news to cover.
So I invite you to shake off the yoke of a melancholy and grim reality and come with me on a rugby adventure instead with: ‘Apology: to the swollen generation’. Take a gander at our Wallaby squad at: ‘The prophossy of the wise’. Explore Polynesian cuisine and rugby in: ‘Hoodafuggkairs’. Search for a modicum of sense with: ‘A Moo-ving story’. Get an exclusive* insight into: ‘The Lions King’. Before farewelling the rugby week with another: ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, now with more ‘readers’ than the states of South Australia & the QPRQ combined.
And don’t forget to catch the latest Dropped Kickoff & Talkin Teams combined podcast with the guys as well. Well worth a listen.
Apology: to the swollen generation.
First, a word from our sponsor.
There’s little secret that G&GR has had some ongoing IT issues this week. It lead to regular outages and disruption for all and was caused by staff who can’t perform the simplest of functions without sustained beatings. I blame myself. It’s the Pavlov’s dogs outcome, just with the addition of a large rubber hose and frequent water boarding sessions. I’ve treated them too well and as the saying goes and as a promise to the team: ‘staff beatings will increase in frequency, until morale improves and you all do your frigging jobs’.
On behalf of Bris, Heidi & myself, our sincere apologies to all our faithful lounge-lizard readers. Equally, a huge sorry to our writers. These gents & Yowie, give of their time freely in prepping, editing and loading their articles and this week they missed out of the recognition and plaudits they deserve. With articles delayed, out of synch & crammed into a much reduced schedule. For that team, we too apologise.
In saying that, the G&GR executive sub-committee (corporate legal division working group) have spared no expense in having our ‘Sorry Ambassador’ KRUDD, prepare a formal statement of apology for you all. Indeed, for the sake of genuine authenticity and heartfelt emotion, we have invested a further $15 for the additional development of a tear as he prepared this statement from us, to you:
我们谨代表你们的G&GR领主们，就本周对这处圣地造成的干扰，向广大农民致歉。
我们理解，你们这些尘世的渣滓，在你们的生活中几乎无法带来快乐，也无法滋养你们的灵魂，你们依靠这些页面提供者的高尚智慧来维持你们空虚的生活，抚慰你们内心的空虚。
这将是我们唯一一次道歉，事实上，你们应该向我们道歉，因为你们向你们道歉了。所以，欢迎G&GR的读者们以及昆士兰的朋友们。
For the ignorant amongst you who can't read Mandorin in traditional cursive:
Wǒmen jǐn dàibiǎo nǐmen de G&GR lǐngzhǔmen, jiù běn zhōu duì zhè chù shèngdì zàochéng de gānrǎo, xiàng guǎngdà nóngmín zhìqiàn.
Wǒmen lǐjiě, nǐmen zhèxiē chénshì de zhāzǐ, zài nǐmen de shēnghuó zhōng jīhū wúfǎ dài lái kuàilè, yě wúfǎ zīyǎng nǐmen de línghún, nǐmen yīkào zhèxiē yèmiàn tígōng zhě de gāoshàng zhìhuì lái wéichí nǐmen kōngxū de shēnghuó, fǔwèi nǐmen nèixīn de kōngxū.
Zhè jiāng shì wǒmen wéiyī yīcì dàoqiàn, shìshí shàng, nǐmen yīnggāi xiàng wǒmen dàoqiàn, yīnwèi nǐmen xiàng nǐmen dàoqiànle. Suǒyǐ, huānyíng G&GR de dúzhěmen yǐjí kūnshìlán de péngyǒumen.
The prophossy of the wise.
You know something is really wrong with Australian Rugby when those on G&GR are 80.55% in alignment with the best selectors in the land. St Joe and co have named there 36 man squad to face Fiji, in gods country July 6th. And perhaps there are a few eyebrow raising selections, but hand on heart, its hard to argue with most of the choices. So much so, the Wallaby squad the G&GR faithful selected in May is a 80.55% match with that announced yesterday.
As a point of interest, here is the G&GR side selected by you in May, matching selections shown in bold:
Props (6): Angus Bell, James Slipper, Allan Alalaatoa, Tom Robertson & Zane Nonggorr, Alex Hodgman.
Hookers (3): Matt Faessler, Billy Pollard, Brandon Paenga-Amosa.
Second Row (4): Jeremy Williams, Nick Frost, Darcy Swain, Lukhan Salakaia-Loto
Loose Forwards (8): Bob Valetini, Fraser McReight, Harry Wilson, Carlo Tizzano, Nick Champion de Crespigny, Seru Uru, Langi Gleeson, Luke Reimer.
Halfbacks (3): Tate McDermott, Ryan Lonergan & Nic White.
Five Eighths (3): Tom Lynagh, Ben Donaldson & James O’Connor.
Outside Backs (8): Tom Wright, Len Ikitau, Andrew Kellaway, Joseph Akuso-Suaalii, Filipo Daugunu, Max Jorgensen, Hunter Paisami & Corey Toole.
I think some will argue at the selection peripheries of this squad. There’ll be the usual squibbles about Skelton (in Craparazzi back channels KB believes Skelton is and always should be, an automatic selection and the Wallabies are much stronger with his inclusion). But I like Happy’s take on squad selection. If you say who shouldn’t be in the side, you must also nominate who should take their spot.
But like it or lump it, this is our team now. Picked by the best coach we’ve had in a decade. Few surprises with players picked largely from the pool who toured the NH last year. A few welcome returns with Tom Hooper & Darcy Swain back into the fold. And with two new comers in de Crespigny & The Tool deserving of their spots.
For mine? Well, I’ve said all along that the squad picked will be to beat the Lions. There will be no ‘one eye on the future’ The future is now, the future is here, it bloody-well lands next week! These players have been picked to get this job done. Not the Rugby Championship. Not the Bledisloe. And not the Northern Tour. They’ve been picked to beat the Lions.
Ladies & Gents and those in between: this isn’t my wallaby team. It’s not even your Wallaby team. This is our Wallaby team
Go you good things. Do us proud.
Hoodafuggkairs.
Saturday June 21 5:05 pm AEST – Crusaders v Chiefs at Apollo Projects Stadium, on Stan Sport and the Nine Network
Hoodafuggkairs: both a Polynesian recipe involving deep fried Kiwi burgers and the attitude of Australian Rugby fans to a game of SRP still to be played in NZ today.
Ok, ok, ok, you got me, it’s a large helping of sour grapes on my part. I begrudgingly acknowledge the two best cheats sides, who also just happened to finish the regular season as #1 & #2 on the ladder are rightfully slugging it out for season ’25 honors and the title of best in show.
At least for a change, there’s an Aussie on the field taking part in the contest, who’s not a match official. With our very own JOC4.0 on the pine for the Dark Lords. And what a story both JOC’s & the ’25 Saders has been. A rudderless rabble in 2024 an a coach who hung onto his job by his fingernails, now only 80-odd minutes away from Super Rugby title #63. The same coach, largely the same squad (although not ravaged by injuries like they were in ’24), a bit of Christchurch fairy dust and voilah, here they are at the point end again. And who could bet against them? They are the Toyota Corolla’s of rugby. Always consistent, always reliable, often not very sexy, but Uber dependable and just keep on keepin’ on.
As for the Chiefs, well they’re the fully tricked WRX of the contest. The team just love getting it loose & sideways in the bends. And in a straight line they can accelerate from nought to stained undies in under three seconds. Add in the man on the wheel just happens to be D-Mac, so as a neutral viewer, I am just going to strap myself in and enjoy a thrill-a-minute ride.
There’s AB v AB match-ups all across the paddock. There’s size, skill, pace and flare to burn and then there’s that finals home ground record of the Saders. Thirty one finals match vitories at home. No losses. Sure some team, at some point is going to break that run, but will it be the Chiefs this afternoon?
The Chiefs are no slouches themselves. This season, also the last for coach Clayton McMillan is their fourth final in five years. Losing three title matches in the last 4 years. Twice to the Cantabrians in ’21 & ’22, before falling to the Blues in 2024. That’s some outfit aint it. Four finals in five years, but will this be the year they finally claim what possibly should have been there’s so often over the past four years?
Fearless Prediction: No it won’t. Crusaders by 2. JOC to kick the winning penalty after the siren and earn a call up for the Lions.
A moo-ving story.
Now what’s worse than using starvation as a war tactic? Or indiscriminately shooting hungry parents as they attempt to get food for their children? Or the the daily bombings of innocent peoples of various nationalities? Or even a deranged orange dip-shit crowning himself King and hosting a military parade as a birthday present to himself? Why stuff.co.nz has something even more outrageous and despicable.
It seems Crusaders boss, Colin Mansbridge has had the temerity to ban Chiefs fans from bringing a ‘cowbell’ into Apollos Projects stadium. And of all the events happening around the world to generate emotion and outrage, this is the one people are choosing to nail their colours to the mast.
What started as some banter between the CEO of the two sides has turned a touch nasty with Chiefs fans threatening Mansbridge with ‘going to bury a cowbell in my head’. The Saders CEO rightfully points out that it’s essentially our house – our rules, plus the fact their home paddock is a tiny stadium of just 17000 capacity and not the huge 45,000 seat, open expanses of Eden Park or the 25,000 capacity of FMG Stadium. So the decibel impact of the Bovine bell bangers is significantly more amplified, given the smaller confines in which it radiates.
Personally I reckon the Saders have made the right call. The cow bells are bloody annoying anyway. Although having attended the 2007 RWC final and seated near a bunch of Saffa fans, the bells are hardly the most annoying thing I’ve encountered at a rugby venue. Close sure, but listening to 5 hours of what sounded like a Rottweiler choking on a kitten, the ringing of a cowbell pales in comparison. Besides, if this has Kiwi fans in a lather, they’re gonna hate the ‘no livestock in the honeymoon suite’ legislation currently in their parliaments upper house. Wedding certificate or not, their four legged fornicating favourites could be welcome no more.
The Lions King
In preparation of their arrival down under, yours truly was granted an exclusive interview* with the Lion King, Mufasa himself, Andy Farrell. As he finalises preparations for a tilt at retaining the legendary Tom Richards Cup.
H: Mufasa, thanks for your time today and welcome to the pages of Green & Gold Rugby
M: It’s great to be with you Oss, long time reader of yours I am luddy
H: Mufasa, you about to leave the frozen wasteland that is the United Kingdom and head to Argentina for a match, before arriving on our golden shores. What are you expecting from the FISM’s first up?
M: Oh aye. They be a physical team young Oss. Full of that South American vigour and swagger. But my Oirish side has them covered for size, strength and speed of play. Be a cracking hit out and good preparation for Oz.
H: You mean your ‘Lions’ side mate?
M: Oh, bugger Oss, yep, for certain that’s what I mean, but you get my drift there boy.
H: Just on that point Mufasa, if you take out the Oirish contingent and then the Soap Dodgers, your next biggest contingent were all born in the Southern Hemisphere. How does that sit with you and the criticism around the sheer numbers of SANZAR Lions members?
M: It’s a global game my boy. I am sure when they were just wee lads, they lay awake at night dreaming one day they’d be wearing the fabled jersey.
H: Yeah, of Gold, Black or Green maybe. But unless they’re commies I doubt they had visions of Red?
M: O aye Oss, but you see, the north are the great recyclers of discarded talent. We take in all comers and polish them up and make them proper British.
H: I guess that explains the German Royal family you lot have and a national dish of curried anything. A lot being made down our way about the, well, ‘less fearsome’ nature of your forward pack for this tour. Your props aren’t the grizzled hard heads of trips of yore and you seem to have gone for more mobile backrowers, perhaps in lieu of the traditional size the Lions were once renowned for.
M: Perhaps Oss, but we have picked a team full of combinations and when you get to our backs we have four who come in at more than 100 kegs each. Big boppers that lot.
H: Sure, but you must win the middle battles before the fairies see the pill. What forward combinations were important to you when you sat down to begin planning this tour?
M: Well, Oirish ones naturally.
H: But wouldn’t it be fair to say that your former side in Emerald are well & truly on the decline? The English whilst improved, have been poor for a couple of years, the Scotts are the Scotts and the Welsh, well, they’re just poo.
M: Now look ere luddy. The Oirish side St Joe left me were extremely talented. I’ve made that tall lad from England, Mario-something skipper, the Scots, well, I don’t even really know their names. A couple of them have strange & guttural accents, must be from Glasgow region. And sure we picked a few just to shut them up. And as for that Welsh lad, who’s name escapes me, he deserved to be here as we had to have one in the side or we’d never here the end of it, we just call him ‘Token’. Besides, who else are going to play those mid-week games and carry the bags for the real team?
H: You mean the Oirish team? One final question before we go Mufasa. You must have been tempted to pick your son Owen for the tour, at the end of the day what held you back?
M: What nations he from Oss, ay?
H: He’s not Oirish!
M: You know, you’re not as thick as you look Oss, well apart from round the midriff anyway.
H: Mufasa that’s all we have time for today, thanks for your time and go well, but not too well.
M: Time for a Guinness while we listen to some Cranberries Oss?
H: Not today mate. Got a bit on, it’s the circle of life.
M: Gold lud. Hakuna matata.
*authenticity of interview remains dubious
Friday’s Goss’ with Hoss.
Gibbon gone.
Both a zoo keepers rollcall nightmare and news that former Wallaby prop Matt Gibbon has had to call time on his career due to a lingering knee injury. He sustained the injury in pre-season when Fraser McReights’ wallet fell and hit Gibbons knee, dislocating the kneecap.
Gibbon, 30 suffered the injury just before Christmas and despite hopes he would mend, the injury has proved career ending. Matt played 6 times for the Wallabies, making his debut in 2022 and also played over 70 caps for the Rebels, winning nearly 3 of those matches, with the club losing close to $50m in doing so.
Terrible news and a sad end for a terrific young prop. From all at G&GR Matt, go well and enjoy the challenges that future chapters offer. Including the pending arrival of child #2 on the horizon. redsrugbynews has more.
Ardie-san
Just on that, when did these hot water providers and their man buns, become ‘artisans’? Why can’t it just be coffee? Is a garbage collector now a ‘waste artisan’ or a ‘primary bio-fuel collection denizen’? Why does absolutely everything have to have an exponential ‘wank factor’?
Oh yeah & Ardie Savea is off to Japan for a sabbatical in 2026 as well. The language modulating, communication captains at rugby.com.au have more.
Brawl Aboard.
Who would have thought that the French like a good fight, despite all historical evidence to the contrary? planetrugby.com has footage of French fans fighting after the siren in the recent promotion match between Grenoble & Perpignan. A match won by Perpignan with a 77th minute penalty to suspiciously named Italian & Tom Jones devotee ‘Tommas Allan’.
Does STAN have a Fitness for Work program?
A good question, well asked. For when Lee Majors suggested on Inside Line this week that Spanners Foley should be considered for the Wallaby squad for the Lions series, I nearly choked while sipping my expensive cognac & puffing away on an imported Cuban.
Mick, buddy, WTAF? Have you completely blocked out the angst and trauma of nearly every Australian rugby fan? Do you not recall one Frog ref, one Mexican stadium and one Bledisloe victory let slip? Maybe Lee is suffering from the rugby equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome? You know, where a victim develops positive feelings for their abuser. Either that or STAN should conduct appropriate fitness for work programs (random drug screening), cause clearly that suggestion, the very thought of that shows that something just aint right.
Captain Australia? I never.
rugby.com.au spoke with likely Wallaby Captain, Commissioner Jake Gordon this week about him being ‘taken aback’ by rumours he would be captain of the men in gold agin the Lions.
Gordon said: ‘I certainly did not send Hoss a cheque for $216, a half drunk bottle of Jack and some prison gold (cigarettes) plus an image of me as Captain Australia last week so he could push my claim. I find the whole thing is a media beat up, unless of course it’s true. But then again, no one reads that rubbish on Green & Gold on a Friday anyway and I probably could have offered him much less to publish it. So I guess you could say I wasted money’
Nathan Williamson & The Cake Trolley of Destiny
In shocking news out of RA, Car Park Supremo, Cutlery Clerk, Executive in Charge of Lunch Orders and former Cake Trolley Controller, Nathan Williamson, has now been placed in charge of a person, one that doesn’t require regular inflating.
Natho has been partnered with a journalistic cadet to mentor and guide through the perils, politics and pitfalls of life at RA: one Nick Wasiliev (we believe it’s a Mexican name). Nathan is reportedly giddy with excitement as the new cadet, Nick, must stay in his company from 9.00 until 5.00pm every day and those with inside knowledge tell G&GR, it’s the longest relationship without a puncture, that Natho has ever enjoyed. Congratulations to both gents. Natho, one might expect that you should now have more free time to pursue our media accreditation with RA?
Until next week.
Hoss – Rugby Artisan – out.
