Let’s try making a rugby team out of Star Wars characters, that’s a good trick!
The Front Row
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1. Loosehead Prop
Jek Porkins – This bloke isn’t notable at all, but he’s one of the few Star Wars characters who has a sweet prop body. If that approach is good enough for Australian rugby, it’s good enough for me.
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2. Hooker
Jabba the Hutt – The bald, fatty, gormless slug look is something that rugby coaches the world over look for when they’re picking a hooker. His little arms won’t help at lineout time, but poor throws never stopped Stephen Moore, so why should it stop Jabba?
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3. Tighthead Prop
Darth Maul – He might not have a prop body, but those spikes on his head will give him an unreal advantage at tight head. Also, he was the best thing about the prequels so props (ahaha) to him for that.
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Second Row
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4. Lock
Darth Vader – Covers up for Jabba’s poor throwing technique by Force choking the ball towards him. Gets away with a lot of penalties due to his choice of all black costume.
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5. Lock
Chewbacca – Chewie adds some much need grunt to the tight five, given that grunts are literally the only thing he can vocalise. Also known as being the 2nd-ugliest lock in existence, behind Brodie Retallick.
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The Back Row
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6. Blindside Flanker
Jar-Jar Binks – Fine, make all the Dean Mumm jokes you want.
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7. Openside Flanker
The Emperor – A natural fit given that a) he’s the master of the dark arts and b) resembles Richie McCaw if you squint hard enough.
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8. Number 8
Rancor – Only slightly bigger and more vicious than Lopeti Timani, the Rancor’s a huge motherf*cker any team would love to have at the back of the scrum. Only downside is his weakness to gates, which may leave him ineffective during the breakdown.
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Halves
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9. Scrumhalf
Yoda – His composure under pressure and small stature make this little green swamp thingy a great asset to the team. Lack of Napoleon complex means he doesn’t offer your typical scrumhalf attributes, and his team talks sometimes get a bit wordy.
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10. Flyhalf
Luke Skywalker – The star player of the team slots into flyhalf, his bionic hand giving him a bit of an edge when it comes to passing. Unfortunately suffered a drop in form since finding his adoptive parents burnt to a crisp.
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Centres
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12. Inside Centre
Obi-Wan Kenobi – It’s Jedi trio at 9-10-12, with Obi-Wan bringing balance to Luke’s sometimes erratic game management. Often manages to convince video referees that they’re looking for something else.
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13. Outside Centre
Admiral Ackbar – This fish-eyed freak’s amazing ability to read attacking plays means he never gets caught in a trap when defending. So in that regard he’s better than Tevita Kuridrani. Can’t score tries upside down, though.
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Outside Backs
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11. Winger
Han Solo – A pretty boy, with a pretty boy haircut, who naturally fits in at winger. His guile and half-hearted attempts at helping out the team also stand him in good stead.
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14. Winger
Lando Calrissian – Another perfidious pretty boy, Lando makes a sweet double act with his boy Han. His uncanny resemblance to Billy Dee Williams often leaves the opposition star struck.
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15. Fullback
Boba Fett – A jetpack helps “Israel Fettlau” as he likes to be known become king of the high ball. Due to his origins from some distant, irrelevant, rugby-loving planet whose inhabitants pronounce fish as ‘fush’ and chips as ‘chups’, and bitterly post shit memes on Australian rugby sites, he is considered the most natural footballer in the Star Wars XV.
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Coach
The Disney Executive Council – Who else? Their movies might be mediocre and utterly compromised by managerial oversight, but by golly do they please those hardcore supporter with that fan service!
