Welcome to the holiest time on the calendar of the most winningest religion ever, Easter. When a young Hebrew backpacker invented chocolate, rested for a few days and then got straight back into production.
Today we kick off a discussion about exporting democracy to our neighbours in ‘Liberate Them?’ Jump aboard the Midnight Express with ‘Swanning Around’. Preview round #6 of SRP in ‘It’s a Simple Equation’. Dive into round #3 of SRW in ‘Grace Under Fire’. And close out the rugby week with another ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, now offering half priced beef for all non-believers.
LIBERATE THEM?
Gaggers, it’s about time we go full George Dubya on the Poxy Isles and liberate those poor souls. At least on a rugby level anyhow.
Last week, I had an out of body experience and agreed with an article from Paul Cully on the SMH (behind a paywall). Thankfully, this week normal transmission has resumed. You see, it seems, according to Mr Cully, that Australian rugby is only enjoying a modicum of success because NZ rugby has fallen so far. And that’s a bloody relief, as I had worried Oz sides were actually improving! Nope, thank goodness the Kiwis are so absolutely crap at rugby this year and making Oz sides look way better than they are.
Anyone can see that the south island lords have completely soiled their sheets. But I’d argue the Canes, Highlanders and Blues are vastly improved on previous years. The Chiefs are at or near a very complete rugby side. For example, I don’t ever recall seeing the Canes win five on the trot and top the table, or the Chiefs playing such consistently sumptuous rugby in 10 years? But that’s all inconsequential to Mr Cully, because us rugby plodders have risen above our station, although by default.
I’d call it a back-handed compliment, but it wasn’t even that. It was very much: ‘you’re still really shite, it’s just that we are slightly less imperious at present, so think yourselves lucky, rugby peasants’ type comment.
So from all us Aussie rugby fans Mr Cully we’ll happily test your theory and see you at finals time. Better get your lot to minn the kinnoos though, as HMAS Frigate Up Yours is headed your way soon.
SWANNING AROUND.
Ok, so not technically rugby union, but allegedly another sport involving a ball that caught my eye this week, more so for off field activities and their inconsistencies in dealing with same than any on field glories.
What’s with the AFL (Absolutely Farging Ludicrous) and their drugs policy, or, more succinctly, their lack of drugs policy? Especially when compared to sanctions and disciplines from corresponding and proper ball sports.
The SMH ran a story last week of a couple of Pens, charged in late ’23, each with possessing a quantity of Columbian baking soda. Their punishment from the everyone gets a prize code? Why complete anonymity for three months and only now, a small fine and a very stern talking to (made that last bit up!).
Now let’s compare that to, say, a large, overpaid, ex-loig turned Wallaby winger back in 2006? In that instance the large one was expelled from the code entirely for also enjoying too many Columbian sherbets. Or even more recently, the multi-month suspensions for transgressors (those who don’t identify as a binary ‘gressor’). Nope, it seems in the sport of ‘here’s a point for having a go’, you really need to be caught injecting meth into the eye of a kindergarten kid before any real punishment of any kind is imposed. Even then, one wonders if they’re not just enrolled in a first aid course to properly administer meth needles to kids anyway.
I don’t offer any moral judgement on the taking of South American snuff, for when I did a year or two at Universidad Nacional de Colombia I was known as ‘El Hosso’ and ran a lucrative little cottage industry. Well, until someone called ‘El Patrón’ strongly suggested I retire. Besides, it now just washes up on Newcastle beaches anyway and lowers distribution costs. I just find the AFL’s approach completely at odds with its cultivated image as the purveyors of purity. And completely against the same positions taken by union, gaolball and English synchronised diving.
One offence like this should not ruin somebody’s life. But surely a ‘nothing to see here’ approach isn’t right either. But, should I be surprised when the game of AFL rewards mediocrity in the first place. Can’t kick straight? No problem, here’s an encouragement award, better luck next time.
IT’S A SIMPLE EQUATION.
Round #6 is here and a long weekend to savour all the action as well. Make no mistake, seasons and careers will be decided.
Team via Happy’s Thursday News
Friday 29 March 5.05pm AEDT – Crusaders v Chiefs at Apollo Projects Stadium, Christchurch on Stan Sport
A lot of love around for the listless Saders in NZ media this week. You know ‘we feel for them’, ‘they’re not far off’ type stuff. For mine, the Saders are poo and their season in tatters. And after seven long and boring years of their total domination, long may it last.
Fearless Prediction: Chiefs to declare at halftime and still win by 30.
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Dan Waenga, Mike Winter
Friday 29 March 7.35pm AEDT – NSW Waratahs v Melbourne Rebels at Allianz Stadium, Sydney, on Stan Sport
Some welcome news for the Tahs squad with Will Harrison returning to the match day 23 for the first time in 707 days. One can only wonder what that period must have been like. Similarly, Lol Foketi returns from a frightening training injury of a few weeks back to bolster what has been a pretty ho-hum midfield. Indeed the last time the centres looked dangerous and on song was when Harry Wilson (the NSW one) had a run.
The return of Harrison is a blessing in particular, because I can’t help but wonder if Tah #10 Tane Edmed ain’t a touch mentally cooked after some match-defining kicks didn’t quite go to plan. Indeed with Tane’s PTSD (Poorly Taken Shot at Drop) I’d expect to see left-footed Harrison get 25-30 minutes game time this week to both gently reintroduce Mr Harrison and also remove the blowtorch from the more tender areas of Mr Edmed’s.
The match very much looks like the battle of the benchers. With the Rebs slow starters one would expect the Tahs, just by better breeding and skills, to be up by 25 at half time. The Rebs will unleash some big boppers from the pine from 45m onwards. Alex Mafia, Cabous ‘The Moose’ Eloff and the million dollar, 25 minute man himself, seemingly having a substantial edge over Julian Heaven, the penalty magnet, Hayden Thompson-Stringer and James Gandolfini. Add to that the completely physical and emotionally sapping conditions and result in Fiji last week, fatigue will play a big part in the final result.
Anyway, should the Tahs falter and coach Coleman gets nailed, his career will be resurrected on Sunday won’t it?
Fearless Prediction: Won’t happen anyway. Tahs by 16.
Referee: Angus Mabey Assistant Referees: Marcus Playle, Nick Hogan
Saturday 30 March 12:05 pm AEDT – Fijian Drua v Western Force at Churchill Park, Lautoka, on Stan Sport
The Force were excellent last week in rolling the more fancied Reds side. As one of the 25 Reds co-captains said, the Force beat the Reds in ‘effort areas’ and entirely rattled them. It was one of the better performances by those out west in many a year. But, Fiji in Fiji are a different animal altogether.
Yet again the forecast is 28 degrees, 94% humidity and rain approaching 100mm in the days leading up to, plus a possible 34mm on actual game day. A heavy field, lung-busting conditions, travel and an opponent who just loves playing at home and thrives in front of their own fans!
The Force were good last week, real good, but good enough to beat Fiji in frying Fiji conditions?
Fearless Prediction: No. Fiji at home two weeks in a row, tails up and frenzied fans. Drua by 9.
Referee: Reuben Keane Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, Tex Rokovereni
Saturday 30 March 2:35 pm AEDT – Moana Pasifika v Blues at Eden Park, Auckland, on Stan Sport
Fearless Prediction: Blues too big, bold and brutal. Blues by 20
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referees: Jono Bredin, Fraser Hannon
Saturday 30 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Highlanders v Hurricanes at Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dunedin, on demand on Stan Sport
Free-flowing, fast and furious. As a neutral it should be a great game to watch. I must admit to perhaps underestimating the Canes a smidgeon this year. They’ve always been thereabouts, but like Albo’s re-election chances, there have always been significant stumbles. Not so this year.
Similarly the Landers are much improved on years past, or perhaps it’s just that the Crusadists are now complete rubbish, as Paul Cully suggests, or is that an Australian side only phenomenon Mr Cully?
Fearless Prediction: Canes by 14
Referee: Damon Murphy Assistant Referees: Jordan Way, Jeremy Markey
Saturday 30 March 7:35 pm AEDT – Queensland Reds v ACT Brumbies at Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane, on Stan Sport and Nine Network
Match of the round status again and just what a complete 180 for these sides’ fortunes. The Brumbies are starting to show that structured unstructuredness that Bernie Larkham seems to be building. They have the Brumbies DNA of set piece strength, but have now sprinkled that with some fairy dust of adventure. Chip kicks from their own 22, counter attack from anywhere. A Bernie trademark from his own playing days, perhaps.
The Communists? Well, they were outhustled, muscled and bustled last week by a better side. The Reds looked decidedly flat, off kilter and maybe a touch guilty of playing rugby by numbers and taking the Force for granted. Whatever the cause, they need to regain their mojo pronto.
What an absolute block busting game awaits us. Wallaby laden sides, packed with a combo of forward nous and young bulls looking to make a golden jersey their own. You have a loosie battle for the ages. Wright, McReight and Dirty Harry Wilson up against Sideshow Bob Valetini, Brown and Cale.
Even in the backs it’s flare, pace and ego looking at flare, pace and ego. The electric gas of Toole against the size and skill of Petaia. The bravado and ego of Lolesio contrasting with the composure of Lynagh. The diamonds and stones of John Denver at #15 for the Ponies against the underrated Jock Campbell. Everywhere you look it’s a terrific contest. Evenly matched across the paddock with the finest of margins to decide the contest. And it’s the bench that decides this one for me. One seems much stronger than the other.
Fearless Prediction: Brumbies by 5.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referees: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw
Grace Under Fire.
Friday 29 March 5:05 pm AEDT – NSW Waratahs v Melbourne Rebels at Allianz Stadium, Sydney, on Stan Sport
Too fast, too fit and too much finesse, the Tahs look like the real deal this year. Plucka Duck is in special form. The team looks to have honed both their fitness and skill execution, especially the passing and general kicking. They are a cohesive unit and playing high quality rugby, very much shown with their points difference a whopping +76 after just two rounds.
The Rebels? This will be the first time Grace Hamilton faces off against her former teammates at the Tahs. Hamilton is back after a year in the NH and will go head-to-head against Tahs skipper and rival #8. I’m looking forward to that contest immensely. But apart from that, the Rebs are about to go 0-3.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 40.
Saturday 30 March 2:35 pm AEDT – Fijian Drua v Western Force, Churchill Park, Laukota, on Stan Sport
The Force are 2-0 this year and are showing the results of good investment and a cohesive SRW program. Will it be enough to roll Fiji in Fiji?
Fearless prediction: No it won’t. Drua by 18.
Saturday 30 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Queensland Reds v ACT Brumbies, Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane, on Stan Sport
Don’t know what to make of this one? The Reds were bullied by the Drua in round one where the Drua went route 1 straight over and through the Reds and sit at 0-2 for the year with a PD of -21.
The Brumbies are 1-1, yet with a PD of -33, so worse than the Reds and are yet to sparkle so far. The Reds are at home, dry track and are a better side than 0-2 suggests. But if the Brumbies keep it in the forwards, well…
Fearless Prediction: Reds by 6
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Constipated Shakespearian?
Tupou or not Tupou, that is the question.
Well at least for Irish powerhouse Leinster and a reported number of French top 14 sides chasing a world class #3 that is. And to be fair, there’s probably no downside in all of this. The uncertainty (near confirmed extinction) of the Rebs beyond this year, the stagnation of TT’s career and the freeing up of $1m per year for RA means that all stakeholders get a win-win.
Few on here would argue players don’t come back better after a NH stint, especially forwards. At still only 27, TT would appear to have his prime years ahead of him. He would get fitter, learn his craft, play more rugby and come back a more well-rounded prop. He may also be considered from OS by St Joe for next year’s tests, if form demands thus.
I don’t begrudge any player making the best living they can. The Rebs uncertainty is unfair to all and if he can earn a quid and improve as a player and come back later, well what’s not to like for everyone involved?
Hooper’s Honkers Hijinks.
After switching to the T20 of rugby last year, former Wallaby legend (and possibly best #7 to ever play the game), M. Hooper, will make his long awaited rugby 7s debut in Honkers World Series from April 5-7. Long renowned for his fitness and speed, I can’t wait to see Hoops’ debut.
D-Mac Flack around All Black Attack.
Snappy dresser, NZ pundit, and the ‘Kiwi Campo’ for his aversion to tackling during his playing career, Sir John somebody, has called for the ABs to build their attack around the in-form Damien McKenzie. I must admit that D-Mac has been sensational to watch this year and with those pesky buggers of Princess Mo’unga and Mr Barrett both enjoying yenfests in Nippon, he has had some clear air around him to state his case. plantrugby.com has more.
Croc & Roll Ban
Red Rose Soap Dodger Sarah Beckett has been sent to her room without her iPad for three weeks for a dangerous tackle on Sunday against Italy. The England No 8 was sent off for a crocodile roll on Italy’s Michela Sillari that left the Italian with a broken leg, 11 minutes into the Women’s Six Nations contest on Sunday (Monday NSW time) before her side romped to a 48-0 victory.
Three weeks would seem rather lenient? stuff.co.nz has more.
For Love not Money. Well, Some Money.
How I love thee. Let me count thy pays.
Seems Mad Max Jorgo loves rugby so very much he was prepared to sign a million dollar, two year deal that needs renewing before the 27 home RWC (smart) and stay with the Tahs. Scuttlebutt abounds that the rugba loig ‘what salary cap’ Roosters where chasing Mad Max for a cool two year $1.8m offer. But the lure of an inbound FUKIRs tour and a home RWC was enough to keep the young pup swooning at the feet of the grand old dame of rugby a little longer.
Money well spent? Speculate to accumulate? Investing in potential? Time will tell I guess.
Outta Time.
Scheduled a chat with Mathieu Raynal as he announces the end to his refereeing career. However, he took too long to answer, so I reversed the call instead. Stuff him.
Until next week. Go the Tahs.
Hoss – out.
