Nutta’s Noodlings – Rugby Championship ’23, Wk1

Hey Cobbers

Isn’t it funny where life sometimes plonks you down? I’ve decided to throw my shoulder behind the wheel of my friends at the RugbyDownUnder continuum. Who knows where this will go? Who knows where it may end? Who knows anything? If nothing else, it will be fun.

A new home means a new chance to frame the terroir. And while I don’t know about you, one of my greatest culinary loves in life are asian noodle soups. Tom Yum, Bihun sup, Pho, Laksa, Udon, Hong Shao Niu Rou Mian… those heady concoctions of broth, noodle, flavour, chili and spicy explosions just warm the soul, blitz the sinus, speak a certain comforting truth and frequently make hangovers bearable. So, for an aspirational title encapsulating what I would like to be in the literary sense, I welcome ye all to Nutta’s Noodlings.

For an opening pot of steamy and slurpy goodness on this burgeoning site I thought to perhaps reignite an old rugby-writers theme, but take a fresh look at it. Thus for the next few weeks of Nutta’s Noodlings, I’ll run a Nutta’s Team of the Tourney for the Rugby Championship 2023 as it serves as the appetiser, the palette d’expérimentation and, let’s be honest, the space filler on the way to the Big Show in September later this year.

Reflection on Week 1 of the 2023 Rugby Championship:

Game 1: All Blacks 41 def Pumas 12. Played with an increasingly glaring setting sun in Mendoza (why?), the AB’s simply ran rampant in the first half to set up a dominant win. In what can only be seen as a clarion call to the world rugby community, the 3^rd ranked AB’s put the veritable sword through the 8^th ranked Argies with a near flawless first half performance to go into oranges at 31-0. Despite some ruthlessly fast Argy defence in the opening moments nearly jagging a charge-down try following a fluffed Damien McKenzie clearance kick, for the other 38min of the first half even the AB’s errors turned into something good while the Argies best only hurt themselves. So the show was over at half time. Well it was over at 15min and 3 tries to blotto, but you know what I mean.

Interestingly though, the 2^nd half went 12-10 to the Pumas. And so whilst there are the usual considerations of ‘foot coming off’ and ‘the match was already won’ undoubtedly needing recognition, nonetheless there is an argument to be made that once the overseas based Pumas had a chance to get some game time together, they proved they were more than capable of making a match of it. Now to be fair, ‘making a match of it’ is a long way away from ‘beating’ anyone, let alone the AB’s. But while the Argies were well beaten in the first half, they didn’t ‘roll over’ in the second half and if the subtlety of the Argy big-men collisions and inter-passing in the 2^nd stanza did anything, it was to prove that they are capable of giving anyone a shake should they be in the right frame of mind.   

Game 2: South Africa 43 def Wobblies 12. Now before we wallow in pits of misery and fits of despair too much, let’s acknowledge a few truths. Firstly, playing South Africa in South Africa on any day in rugby history has been a big ask. To defeat South Africa at home, as the reigning World Champions, currently ranked 4^th compared to our (lucky) 7^th, when we have not won in the Republic since 2011, would have been historic in and of itself. So for the Wobblies to have won at Loftus Pretoria, where we have not ever beaten SA in 6 or 8 cracks at it over +60 odd years would have been breathtaking. And to have done it with a new coach, new systems and an unsettled team who have been ‘training well’ whilst the yarpies calloused themselves even more in either Currie Cup or up north, playing actual rugby, would have been almost enough for me to hang my hat on a peg and retire a happy man.

So am I surprised we were beaten? No. But did I expect a 43-12 pillaging? Not bloody likely. Despite scoring the first and last tries of the match, we Aussies were handed our backsides in just about every facet of the match except for that crucial KPI of ‘time spent standing behind the goal posts’. And the one place we seemed to put up any fight worth noting was in the press conference after the match. But exactly how much I should read into that loss is not entirely clear to me as-yet.

Was it bad? Yep. No hiding that.

But was it earth-shatteringly calamitous? I dunno.

Why? Well look, for where I sit, EJ only cares about 3 matches this year – the quarter-final, semi-final and final of the World Cup. And to be clear, at this point he only cares about the quarter-final. So everything between here and then is mad-scientist experimenting. And I think this week and the next are more about giving some combinations and wild-card ideas a chance to play themselves OUT of contention more than anything else. So part of me says EJ isn’t in this for the wins as yet. He’s in it for other outcomes. And so from EJ’s perspective, if we get some wins then ‘all good’. But it isn’t ‘all bad’ if not.

So, in that vein of experimentation, I think Uelese is gone even though he’s a big unit that EJ would normally love. He’s just not reliable. And while Skelton was one of the few who retained a spot with a solid game, he needs to be covered by a jumper at No6 which means Holloway or Hanigan are surely in-mind now unless EJ runs Richie Arnold with Skelton and moves Frost to 6 (my gut-tip for what EJ may try in the Argy game) which I sincerely hope he doesn’t try.

As for Backs, I think White & Cooper as a combo are under real pressure with Nic under the gun more than Quade even though Nic would have been under-orders to kick the sleeve off the ball at high-altitude Loftus. I think Hodge should be gone now given he was clearly deployed in midfield to use his big body effectively in defence and where his lack of speed wouldn’t be too exposed. And to use those thumping boots of his. But he did none of it, proven by Esterhuizen carrying for near 60 metres and multiple missed goals. And surely surely surely the Vunivalu experiment is now over, even if it hurts the pro-League marketing campaign. However the one guy who should be getting booted, but probably won’t be because ‘who else is there?’ (except for … wait for it… Hodge) is Tom Wright.   

But I’m not going to try and out-guess Eddie. Why? Because I don’t think even Eddie knows what Eddie is going to do. And watching the machinations of EJ over the coming weeks will be intriguing whilst he maneuvers to pull off the McHamish’s Ersatz World Cup Blitzkreig. I just hope those two – EJ & McHamish – remember one thing: this thing they play with, that gold jersey, is the NATIONAL jersey. It’s a thing of pride and aspiration for all us mud-truckers out here who pay the wages. So please, even in experimentation mode, treat it with some dignity whilst you experiment. And 43-12 isn’t dignified.

Enough. What’s done is done. To the battlements! Who played well and earned their jersey compared to everyone else?

Nutta’s Team of the Tourney

The rule is simple. It’s jersey versus jersey. Who played better in the (say) No4 jersey? And points awarded are likewise simple:

• 3pts if selected because you clearly ‘owned it’
• 2pts if you marginally ‘owned it’ against strong competition
• 1pt if no one else was good enough
• 1pt extra if your were my Man of the Round

Teams for Wk1:

Nutta’s Team of the Tourney for Wk1:

So there you have it folks. 8x Saffa’s, 7x Nearlies, 5x Wobblies and 3x Argies was my read for my first bowl of noodles on this fantastic new journey. Now I invite you to slurp-on and contemplate-over as you stare off into the distance and ask yourself two questions:

• Is my team of the week fair and just or am I on excessive amounts of pain killers?
• Is EJ’s carriage is on the road to glory… or not?

Feel free to comment away below and tell me the 57 reasons why I’m wrong (or… gasp… right)!